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Ephiny
Posted on: Nov 11 12, 17:05


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Hi Eisa,

I haven't been here in a long time but read this and really, really enjoyed this. I think the beauty of it is that so many of us have similar childhood memories...that silence and hush when someone is ill or dying.... the reverence of the room, Grandad "a shadow" and the child noticing the difference in his appearance. Grandma "gathered me in" is a beautiful line and the finish is just poignant and lovely..the child now playing with a friend in the room...the love evident in the "woven willow stool".

The only slight suggestion, and it is slight, is that maybe "gaunt" isn't a word that the child might use, since we are seeing the scene through her eyes. Then again, it well could be. It just struck me slightly. I thought "when his kidneys were invaded" was a perfect description, it sounds like something the child might have overheard and not completely understood, maybe wondered about.

Really, really beautiful..I could "see" and feel the whole scene

Lucie xx
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #129252 · Replies: 11 · Views: 3,043

Ephiny
Posted on: Jun 24 10, 05:22


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Hello Snow,

I really loved this..that last line just took me breath away and as I read, I could not only picture the scene of the shopping mall and watching the shoppers but then have this wonderful glimpse into a treasured memory and it's such a testament to your writing that you can share such a personal and important memory and allow the reader to "see" so clearly, not just the memory but your thoughts about it now. I think it's beautiful. I put in a few suggestions and they're only small so please feel free to ignore!!



Familiar Warmth

Parked on the padded chairs
at the window table
we are pleasured by refreshments;
bulging shopping bags
weigh against the wall. (I wondered about using "weighted" as so often the more shopping we have, the harder to keep the bags sitting upright?! Only a tiny detail though)

I recall , lunching here with her, (do you need "I recall"..just a thought..)
munching chicken & salad bagels;
we gazed through the glass
as bargain hunters cram
their trunks with treasure. (should "cram" be "crammed"?)

After our rummage through the shopping mall
we relished time for energy renewal
drinking cups of gossip
to quench curiosity.
Her laughter, a gurgling geyser,
often erupted to drench me. (brilliant and lovely image)

Today, I perch opposite my husband (how about "today, perched opposite my husband?")
Mam’s sitting here with us - (as such a powerful line..would this work in itallics? or even standing alone above the stanza then going on to the line with your husband?)
my stare dares him not to sneer.
Peering up from the Daily News
his closed mouth smile indulges me. (so well described..)

Is it the sunrays embrace
through the window
- or the mug of steaming Yorkshire tea
-or just this old haunt? … but

years after her departure
that familiar warmth we shared,
radiates from my core
until even my fingertips tingle.

I adore these last two stanzas..wouldn't change a think about them and that final line..such a beautiful way of showing the extraordinary in a routine event shared with someone so special..this is really marvellous and I'm so glad I read it xx
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #122087 · Replies: 16 · Views: 5,806

Ephiny
Posted on: Jun 24 10, 05:11


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Hi Lori!

Thanks so much for your response and sorry about the delay in replying. I really like your suggestion about "harshest" rather than "hardest" because that really does pin things down to the weather which was what I was aiming for..it's occurring to me that without the names of the seasons that line could have been even more obscure so that will be a good start with that:) I'm really glad you liked it and thank you so much for your wonderful comments.

Hi Sylvia!

I must say...I'm tending to wonder about putting the seasons back in but can't decide! Somehow I think the poem might need them..so I'm really interested to hear what you said! I'm going to "play" with it for a little while and see what people think. I definately agree with Lori and you about "harshest"..I like that change of word and what it implies.
Thank you so much xxxx
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122086 · Replies: 15 · Views: 5,471

Ephiny
Posted on: Jun 24 10, 05:07


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Hi Steve,

I really love this and the responses show that it has everyone thinking and responding beautifully too...very deep thinking...this poem really stays with you (in a good way!)

I love how you move from the "metaphysical concepts" to the everyday sights and sounds that are parts of all of our existences and really love how you end it...excellent twist:)

I enjoyed this a lot:)
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #122085 · Replies: 10 · Views: 3,270

Ephiny
Posted on: Jun 14 10, 12:21


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Thanks so much everyone..

Alan, that's a great suggestion about not needing to name the seasons..I think I'll give that a go and maybe have the title as "seasons" and see how it looks? Thank you very much

Hello Snow, thank you so much for your lovely, thoughtful and understanding comments. I really appreciate them

Steve, hello and thank you so much for your comments. It's really great to know how it reads for other people and I think the suggestions I've gotten will really help to make things clearer. Thank you again
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #121948 · Replies: 15 · Views: 5,471

Ephiny
Posted on: Jun 11 10, 14:07


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Hello Alan, thank you so much and I really like your suggestion about tweaking the title instead of what I have been doing..I like the thought of "Seasons"..and thank you very much for your kind words

Robin, thank you so much for your lovely and encouraging comments and a huge thank you for the nomination..I'm honoured and I appreciate what you said and understood so much and I like your point about the title too..thank you

Sylvia, thank you so much for your thoughts and comments and kind words...you interpreted it all beautifully and yes, that line about 1963..it was this winter gone by..a very harsh one for us and apparently the worst since that year..in one sense it kind of went over our heads at the time but everything just looked and felt so different with the extreme weather (extreme for us anyway!) As always, I really appreciate all you said and I know that you understand xx
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #121895 · Replies: 15 · Views: 5,471

Ephiny
Posted on: Jun 10 10, 06:30


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Anaisa,

Thank you so much. I really appreciate your comments and yes, that's what that line is about. It was my mother's funeral and the poem is about last summer onwards which she first became ill. Thank you for "visiting"..really appreciate your encouragement.

Alan,

Thank you for your comment and no..you're not being too pedantic at all! That's a point that I'm wondering if there might be a better way of expressing. I've played around with the ending for quite a while now.

Kimi,

Your interpretation is exactly right..thank you so much for your lovely and encouragaing comments.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #121869 · Replies: 15 · Views: 5,471

Ephiny
Posted on: Jun 9 10, 10:12


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Hi Sylvia,

It's so good to be reading your poetry and I'm really happy to be "back" here and dipping my toes in, so to speak:)

I must say..I love the revisions you've made to this and I think the title is terrific. I'm usually not too good at coming up with suggestions..your original (since my first reading of this was with your revisions) would have impressed me terrifically too but I do think the work you've done has enhanced it beautifully.

I think there's no harm in keeping older versions of poems and pieces of writing..I do the same sometimes..it can be that the older versions can remind us more so, at times, of what we thought about as we wrote the piece..or there can be images or lines that might suit another work better..that's just my thinking but I definately wouldn't discard anything..especially when you're in two minds about it..I say play safe and keep them!

Really well done xxxx
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #121860 · Replies: 25 · Views: 11,417

Ephiny
Posted on: Jun 9 10, 10:07


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Seasons (revision)

The long evenings helped
to make sense of it in daylight.
Flowers hurt; night-scented
remnants from another life.

Orange and black; candlelight.
The day you walked unaided to the garden gate.
Flowers curled back to ground; we retreated indoors.
Glowing air; hot drinks; camped
around your bed, we talked in firelight.

Harshest since 1963.
The hospital drive through snow, each day, to you.
Frozen trees; branches gnarled in ice and shadow.
That sunlit Monday you stopped traffic,
strangers held my hands at the gate.
Lowered heads, foggy streets and silence.

First snowdrops.
Shadows lengthen.
Pale, intangible sunlight.


Original

Life in three seasons

Summer
The long evenings helped
to make sense of it in daylight.
Flowers hurt; night-scented
remnants from another life.

Autumn
Orange and black; candlelight.
The day you walked unaided to the garden gate.
Flowers curled back to ground; we retreated indoors.
Glowing air; hot drinks; camped
around your bed, we talked in firelight.

Winter
Hardest since 1963.
The hospital drive through snow, each day, to you.
Frozen trees; branches gnarled in ice and shadow.
That sunlit Monday you stopped traffic,
strangers held my hands at the gate.
Lowered heads, foggy streets and silence.

Spring
First snowdrops.
Shadows lengthen.
Pale, intangible sunlight.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #121859 · Replies: 15 · Views: 5,471

Ephiny
Posted on: Jun 9 10, 04:14


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Hi Steve,

This is so beautiful and so absolutely right...the child's voice is just perfect. You give a lovely insight into her world and the poignancy of that place where the worlds of the child and the adult touch.

Yellow flowers in front of a red house,
with a bee as big as a hummingbird.
(brilliant...I love the way children portray little things as big in their drawings)

and this is wonderful:

Our house isn't red...

That's OK, I put smoke coming out
the top, but we don't have a fireplace.


I also love how you ended it...again, that clash between worlds and a quiet, peaceful end where the adult is soothed and strengthened by the vision of the child...that's a simplisitic way of putting it, I know but I really liked it.

I can't think of any suggestions for you but I really enjoyed this (and love your title) xx
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #121857 · Replies: 20 · Views: 7,362

Ephiny
Posted on: Jun 9 10, 04:08


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Hello,

I really love how you end this..it's just perfect and really fitting. Your wording is great...everything just fits very well with the languid and sensual tone of the poem. I love:

Moses in the desert,
breaking plates, screwing rules.

I like Alan's suggestion about the title..I think it would fit really well.

Really enjoyed this xx
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #121856 · Replies: 9 · Views: 3,437

Ephiny
Posted on: Jun 5 10, 14:51


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Hi Eisa, I came "visiting" and wondering if I'd ever be able to get back into the habit of commenting and knowing what to say but when I saw the brilliant work here I knew I could and this is just an amazing poem. I read both versions and think your revisions are excellent.


The predator nibbles at recollections
scattering his leftovers.
(this is such a powerful image..it takes my breath away)

I saw your father last night (and this line...somehow even without the explanation this line says everything it needs to..although I think the explanation is really well written and important too..the earthquake image is so powerful, as is "in a tremor of aftershock"

The images of everyday things..the cap, the brooch and the photos say so much. You have really skillfully been able to show us the significance of items deeply important and personal to you.


I scrutinize their wedding photo,
all eyes smiling, lips saying Cheese.
His dark waves were intact
… yes, he was handsome.
(I love this)

I think he might take me back

When their marriage fractured
a tug of war stretched me
until I split into pieces.
Although middle-aged, I was a child.
(such a poignant and beautiful line)

And you finish it in, again, a poignant line...a sense of loss..every line and indeed, word in this poem is doing an important job and showing us, far more than the present situation, but the snapshots of lives and loves.

You did a marvellous job with this and I'm sure it wasn't easy..I'm really glad I read it xxxx
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #121779 · Replies: 13 · Views: 4,818

Ephiny
Posted on: Jun 5 10, 14:41


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Hi Sylvia!

Bet you didn't expect to see me here..it's been a while and I came visiting today and saw this..wow!

Straight away, my first impression is of your brilliant phrase "awesome becomes awful"..it's superb and really says so much. Just as when disasters such as this strike..we're shocked at the terrible consequences but also fascinated by the sights of nature truly unleashing itself (well, when we're watching on a tv screen.) and by turn back to sheer horror at what is happening..and that's likewise in this magnificent poem..I'm captivated by your marvellous depiction of what is happening:

Concealed ‘neath placid seas,
the monster thunders and rumbles,
molding majestic tidal waves rushing landward,
illumined by marine radiance,
twinkling stars.

and then you skillfully remind us of the terrible effects:

indifferent to prayers,
ignoring panic in children’s eyes,
the screams of women, resignation
in old men’s countenances.

your capture the sheer fury and relentless of the movement and the mercilessness of the situation

it dallies for days in lunatic spurts
of chthonic fury.(wow..what a brilliant line)

before showing us the aftermath..the child's sandal, the "heaps" of bodies and this poignant question

Are the deadliest swipes
aimed at the feeblest,
in blind Darwinian fashion?

I loved how you finish and this poem is just a work of art..I'm so glad I read it xx

  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #121778 · Replies: 25 · Views: 11,417

Ephiny
Posted on: Dec 22 08, 10:20


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Wishing everyone here a very peaceful and happy Christmas and hope 2009 brings hope and happiness to all,

Love,

Lucie Balloons.gif
  Forum: Member Announcements -> Basilica · Post Preview: #112361 · Replies: 3 · Views: 2,801

Ephiny
Posted on: Dec 20 08, 15:37


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Hi Steve,

I was right there with you as I read this poem...I could feel very bit of the breeze and the sense of wonder and freedom that it is really only possible to appreciate, sadly, when the time has gone! I enjoyed this so much, will be back to read over and over.

My only small suggestion (and feel free to ignore) is in line 8..I felt that maybe you might like to say "like birds" or something similar rather than "free as birds".

I love the fact that you have no stanzas, just lines after each other because it conveys the sense of movement and release, as do lines such as "Kicking up dust from a barely graveled road" and I think these lines are superb

Our dandelion parachutes
float on breezeless
scorched mornings

They give a sense of "anything is possible"!

Love your last three lines too...there's magic, nostalgia and pure memory there.

As you can see, I really enjoyed this poem!
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #112307 · Replies: 12 · Views: 2,956

Ephiny
Posted on: Dec 6 08, 07:20


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Hello Sylvia rainbow.gif

This is so beautiful; it really captures every inch of the magic of Christmas and reminds us what it's all about..in this commercial age, I think it's easy to forget. I really enjoyed it wizard2.gif
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> MMHC (Holiday Classic) -> Hal... · Post Preview: #112030 · Replies: 3 · Views: 3,232

Ephiny
Posted on: Dec 4 08, 13:04


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LOVE this..it's brilliant!! I'll see if I can think of a stanza but won't be able to top what's there writersblock.gif
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> MMHC (Holiday Classic) -> Hal... · Post Preview: #111986 · Replies: 3 · Views: 3,331

Ephiny
Posted on: Dec 4 08, 13:03


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You summed up the spirit and beauty of Christmas Day wonderfully:)
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> MMHC (Holiday Classic) -> Hal... · Post Preview: #111985 · Replies: 3 · Views: 3,053

Ephiny
Posted on: Dec 4 08, 13:01


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What a beautiful story..I really enjoyed it..a real treat:)
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> MMHC (Holiday Classic) -> Hal... · Post Preview: #111984 · Replies: 7 · Views: 4,475

Ephiny
Posted on: Dec 4 08, 12:16


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What a great poem for all five senses!! I loved this!! Particularly the Youtube line!! Really enjoyed it:)
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> MMHC (Holiday Classic) -> Hal... · Post Preview: #111982 · Replies: 7 · Views: 5,180

Ephiny
Posted on: Dec 4 08, 12:13


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Hello!

I loved reading this poem, as well as the explanation and quote at the end..the wording is just wonderful and it tells a story as well as giving some beautiful images.

My only small suggestion (and feel free to ignore) would be maybe to use "the" instead of "those" in the first line...it seems (and this could be just me) to read easier that way? Also maybe to put a question mark after that line and turn the next, "An Eden gone" into a new sentence.

Love the word "unremembered" as opposed to "forgotten"..really powerful

And I adore these lines

'Tis here those plains whose spirit was,

once lost to time,

yet found embedded in,

upon and of the weathered stone

that lives beneath an ancient sun


This is such a beautiful poem..I really enjoyed reading it:)
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #111981 · Replies: 11 · Views: 3,147

Ephiny
Posted on: Dec 4 08, 12:10


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Home for Christmas

A single candle in the window.
Spare room lit
and pressed-blank
as if waiting for a foreign stranger
with unknown customs.

In the tree lights’ shadow;
well-worn stories; a beloved fairy
threadbare at the top.

The old magic remains;
crumbs, on lovingly prepared plates.
A faint sound of bells
and flame-framed laughter.

It’s immediate;
this clashing of worlds.
Volcanic and back-lighted,
they lie atop each other.
Each Christmas,
one layer above the rest.

School friends head home, dressed
as adults.
A town glistens; full
of last minute shoppers.
Shelves begin to empty.

First hush
of gently falling shadows.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> MMHC (Holiday Classic) -> Hal... · Post Preview: #111980 · Replies: 4 · Views: 3,324

Ephiny
Posted on: May 13 08, 09:59


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Hello!

I think this is a beautiful poem, from the fabulous title right down to the last lines. I also think the two revisions work really well and the present poem is now really tight, allowing the images to jump out at the reader. I think

Only the lull of a bass resuscitates
the heart beat of her forgotten child;
the one who used to soar upon
others melodies and grew to breathe
her own.

is a wonderful stanza..the career or perhaps the life of the music maker is told in these lines and I think you were right to keep the two ivorys because it seems to signify the importance of the instrument, and as you said, I've often noticed, when watching someone talented play the piano, that person and instrument almost seem to merge, in the performance, both are the same and one is as important to observe as the other, if that makes sense. And you've told and shown this in this poem.

I'm sorry, I haven't any suggestions for you..though if anything comes to mind, I'll return. But I wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading this and you've done great work with the revisions.:)
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #108150 · Replies: 9 · Views: 4,095

Ephiny
Posted on: May 13 08, 06:49


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Hi Lori and everyone,

Just had a little suggestion to add. There's some great ideas on this thread and of course, to put all of them into action at once would be a lot of hard work!! And it might be hard to know at the beginning, which ones to put the work into. So how about a sort of questionaire to members, or at least to active members, with ideas and get people to indicate which ones interest them, or what they think; and then based on the replies, it might be easier to know which things are worth going ahead with? I would be really happy to give a hand with this if it was something you wanted to do. Just a thought anyway!! I thought the points made above about this site compared to Vanity sites was so true and interesting. Before I found here, I went to quite a few!! And couldn't understand why all people wanted was praise. I got into terrible trouble at one point for trying to make a suggestion!! Since I came here, I feel I've learned so much that has benefitted my writing and the lovely thing is that anytime I'm given constructive feedback, it's always done in such a helpful and respectful way and I can see the point of it immediately. I don't think I've ever even disagreed slightly with a suggestion I've been given. And in turn, I know if I comment on anyone's work, I will get a reply and that in turn has taught me a lot about critiquing and given me loads of enjoyment with the added opportunities for interaction and getting to know people. So please remember Lori, what you've created here, is just so marvellous and even though times like this must be disheartening, your acheivements here are absolutely wonderful:)
  Forum: General Site Information -> Scribe's Stylus · Post Preview: #108146 · Replies: 34 · Views: 18,542

Ephiny
Posted on: May 5 08, 02:18


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Hello Lori and everyone,

I got your email and decided to email you back though I feel very guilty about my not-so-recent absences from MM. Anyway, I promise to begin to remedy that.

I joined MM in 2003 and of all websites I have ever visited/joined/frequented, it has so many good memories and positive learning experiences for me and that's why I feel bad that I have so lax about it in the past year.

I'm not sure if perhaps there might be other members in the same position as me but I thought I'd share my thoughts with you and see if there may be many possibilities here. I think since last year when studies took up so much of my time, I kind of got out of the habit of doing the more enjoyable things I had been doing online and haven;t really gotten back to normal! In that time, of course, MM has changed a lot. I do continue to visit quite often and don't recognise so many faces or haven't yet caught up with all of the different forums. I don't see many of the people I remember from there, although there are still quite a few I know. This is no excuse..I know all I have to do is start posting and I will get to know everyone again; MM has always been so friendly. I wondered would there be any things we could do as a group though; getting to know you things..looking at which members might be interested in getting involved in certain activities etc., maybe even sort of discussions/threads etc to see what people might like to set up or participate in. I say this of course, not wanting to create more work for you at a time when you feel disheartened..maybe there are things that those of us who get involved could help with. If members had suggestions of anything they'd like to see happening, we could take an active role. I don't mean to imply, by the way, that there needs to more happening because that's certainly not the case. What I've always enjoyed so much about MM is that there was always something new each time I visited. But perhaps a collection of thoughts in a survey or discussion form might shed light on things or be useful in some way.

Lori, in my case, it really just has been that I got disorganised with somethings and have found it hard to catch up again. But this issue has given me a push I really will begin to get involved again. My other "excuse", which perhaps could be the case for others is a severe case of writers block!!!! But things like the monthly challenges have always helped me with that so I'm going to give that a go first when I begin to post again.

I've probably lost track of quite a lot going on at the moment, and maybe plenty of this is happening already but another thing I always thought was great in MM was the challenges, like members choice etc. where people voted, and the Pandora challenges when they worked that way as well..they all created a gerat atmosphere, not of competitiveness (is that even a word!!) but of fun and participation.

They're just some of my thoughts and they probably make no sense as I'm just typing as I think!! But I'm so sorry that this has all made you feel so disheartened after the marvellous work you put into the site. I think it's important that you know what a brilliant place you have created and continue to create, and at the same time, please don't feel bad for wanting to do your own stuff as well; that is completely understandable and as things pick up, which I have every confidence they will, more participation might take the pressure off you as well.

Lori, again I send huge apologies for not being around more and I will do my very best now to "re-discover" MM and am looking forward to it! I hope you are well and that everything is going well for you; despite this small set-back. If we all pull together, I'm sure things will be back on track in no time.

Take care and let me know anything I could do to help and Sylvia, really looking forward to visiting your blog:)

Hugs,
Lucie xx
  Forum: General Site Information -> Scribe's Stylus · Post Preview: #107937 · Replies: 34 · Views: 18,542

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