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Posted by: K.S. Lenk Nov 27 15, 13:09

Household

The relish of silence,
of quiet furniture in wait
before the act of violence
occurs, a fate

that cannot be absolved.
A use, a switch flicked,
a force to be involved
in which they feel tricked

into participation
of existence, of a share
in accommodation,
a nerve laid bare

as unspeaking, they serve.
In grace they curve.

Posted by: greenwich Nov 27 15, 17:56

I find rhyming not liberating. It stymies the flow, making for jumps in context / connection. It feels vintage. Meanwhile Violence at Christmas time needs spelling out, moving furniture, crackers sounding off etc. Alluding with pre-set poetry is not your impactful self.

Posted by: K.S. Lenk Nov 27 15, 18:04

I mostly agree with you, Greenwich. I find rhyme limiting.
This poem, however, was not about Christmas.

I challenge myself from time to time with a rhyming piece of work and try to avoid old- fashionedness and cliché.

It remains a challenge still :)

Thanks for reading.

Regards,
K.

Posted by: Luce Nov 28 15, 23:21

Not sure what this was all about. Does it have to do with the minor or major upheaval of a household when you have out of town guests? For example, there's the moving of furniture from its usual spot.

I may be projecting here. I had some out of town relatives come over for Thanksgiving. I had to move/add furniture to accommodate them.

I saw that you used end rhymes. Yes, it can be very limiting when you use such a restrictive thyme scheme - but therein lies the challenge.

Luce

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 29 15, 17:20

Hello Krista,

Since this poem has a set rhyming pattern, would you mind if I move it into our rhyming forum?

Please let me know.

Thanks!
~Cleo

Posted by: K.S. Lenk Nov 29 15, 17:27

Hi Cleo,

No of course I don't mind. I didn't myself, because I felt inadequate in giving feedback to other entries and I know this is a requirement for posting. As I write mostly FV myself, I'm not sure how to approach the rhyming ones. I do love them though and often read them with a slight touch of envy :) I make rare attempts myself, just don't feel I've found a tone or voice in it yet.

Thank you.

Regards ,
K.

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Nov 29 15, 19:48

Hi Krista,

Ok - I've moved your poem into the rhyming forum. Do not concern yourself too heavily about critiquing other R&M poems in this forum - even if you focus on your initial reaction - does the title convey the content that you expected? Do the rhymes fit well, does the rhythm jar or is it smooth? The metrics of specific form are a bit tougher like the sonnet for example - but you can always ask the poet for help there, and we are here too (although I haven't been offering many crits yet as I'm stuck on admin duties at present, but I'll be along as soon as able.

Please let me know if you have any other questions.
Cheers,
~Cleo

Posted by: AMETHYST Nov 30 15, 14:04

Hi K.S. Lenk,

Good to meet you. I will get to your poem separately but wanted to reply to something you said here that brought back such warm and amazing memories. I remember when I first started years ago - on Poem Kingdom, where many of the old timers here at MM met, bonded and have been critical to each others learning. Critique forums are for learning and growing. When I first started I had no education, no previous knowledge of rhyme, rhythems, forms. I only knew what sounded right to me, what made me feel and what pleased me, made me cry or inspired me. Your work is very good. As all of our poetry needs tweaking so does this, but I wanted to share that so you know ... just because you aren't sure of yourself with forms, rhyming and formal poetry, you possess one thing that makes you more than adequate to reply to others ... you know what you like, you have feelings and emotions and you are willing to learn and grow. :)

I hope to get to know more of your work and grow with you...

Best Regards, Amethyst

Posted by: Eisa Dec 1 15, 19:00

Hi Krista,

I'm glad this has been moved over here as I feel you may get more useful suggestions in this forum.

I've read this a number of times and like Luce, I am still not sure what it's about, so first thing I feel is to make your meaning clearer.

You have used some interesting rhyme words, which is refreshing, as most people who are new to rhyming stick to safer words.

I have a feeling that longer lines here might be a good thing 1: to expand the meaning 2: to help the flow.

I'm sorry I cannot be of more help ate the moment. If I knew what it was about that might help.

I'll be back!

Eira

Posted by: Psyche Dec 2 15, 03:21

Hi Krista,

I've been reading over your lines several times. What comes to mind -for me- is the ominous silence before some huge disaster. It makes me fear that a terrible quarrel is about to ensure. Between a wife and husband, maybe brought to a standstill by the arrival of guests.

I'll tell you why these thoughts ensured, tho' I may be way off topic. When you say 'switch', the term 'switchblade' comes to mind. And then there's violence and a fate that cannot be absolved. One of them may be feeling a temptation to take out a knife from his/her pocket and switch it open, fast!

I happen to have a switchblade myself! It used to belong to my hubby, most likely for defence purposes should thieves get into our household. He never threatened me with it...LOL. And when his mind went, I hid it away, of course...

'...a nerve laid bare...' Hmmm....


And then people arrive.

I get the impression that they pull themselves together to proceed with the act of serving their guests, unspeaking...in grace they curve...Wow, what a dense atmosphere must have reigned at that reunion! Hope some red wine and then champagne, along with the food, cheered everyone up! Tho' alcohol can lead to the exact opposite, wherein the foresaid disaster comes in.

Krista, I agree with Eisa that lenghtening the lines would give you more scope to fill in the parts we don't understand, at least a little.
I've simply been guessing and having fun, since you've used great rhymes as well as enjambing the stanzas nicely.

Tx for sharing, I'm off to bed.
Syl***

Posted by: K.S. Lenk Dec 2 15, 12:18

Hello Eisa and Psyche,

Thank you for your feedback and positive reactions.
I don't often wander over to the rhyming side or formal forms, but challenge myself every now and again.

I will contemplate lengthening to aid meaning...I do love a bit of a mystery and tend to be staccato :).
I like the fact that you, Psyche, picked up the darker undertones. However, no physical violence to humans is intended here.
I was alone and sat pondering over things as my eyes followed the furniture, chairs, lamps, sofas, switches etc and my mind started to run with it a bit. I recognised how elegant things are in silence. My little boy always 'pretends' that toys magically move from one place to another...like in Toystory: the minute people leave the room, they come alive. I took this thought and considered how they must 'think' and 'feel' while we're still there.
They are our servants, whether they like it or not.

:)

Thanks again!

Regards,
K.

Posted by: Psyche Dec 3 15, 16:02

Krista,

Many thanks for sharing your thoughts with us, the ones you were thinking when you wrote the poem.
I can't see the poem right now, maybe because it has been moved here. I guess I'll see it once I've posted this.

Hey, when I was a child there were story books about toys moving around when people slept! Various sorts, some quite tragic, such as the paper ballerina who danced off the shelf and fell into the fire...

Children also flew out the window...LOL...as in Peter Pan. And The Blue Bird...
Loved them!

Tx for telling us your thoughts. Still, I think your poem needs just a few more 'hints' for the reader to capture the original ideas you were tossing around in your mind as you wrote. Because your ideas are truly interesting and would seduce your fans!

Congrats on this one, Syl***

Posted by: Larry Dec 4 15, 00:21

Hi Krista,

Welcome to MM and I'm glad Lori moved this to the R&M section for critique. It has the form and rhyme pattern of the sonnet but I have my doubts of anyone being able to embellish each line to make it metrically even. You would have to try utilizing a mixture of trochaic, dactylic and/or anapestic patterns and probably a tetrameter format.

I loved the anthropomorphic connotations you have given inanimate objects (are they really?) and the punishment the human body might inflict on chairs and couches and other furniture in general. I especially enjoyed your ending couplet and in my mind's eye can picture a chair curved obeisantly in deferential courtesy for someone to have a seat.

If you wish it, I'll try to offer some suggestions in fleshing out your "Household".

Thanks for the new perspective,

Larry

Posted by: K.S. Lenk Dec 5 15, 05:08

Hi Larry,

Thank you so much for your thoughts.
I am very, very new to rhyme and have only just learned about the sonnet, iambic pentameter....and still struggling with its mathematics :)
This work is by no means an attempt to write formally, i just had the last line in my head and decided to stick with rhyme for a change.
The other formats you mention I have never even heard of, this is how uninformed I am.

I will try to lengthen lines, bearing a solid rhythm in mind. It goes against my natural instinct of writing short and somewhat obscure. I like riddles, what can I say ? :)

I would appreciate any suggestions you may have for it, but please don't feel you must.

Regards,
K

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 5 15, 08:59

Hi Krista! I'm going to pirate Larry's words and add to them for clarification. I'm sure he won't mind!

And by the way, I want to also agree with and underscore Liz's words about having been educated at Poem Kingdom. When I entered there I was fairly good with rhyme, but for the most part the only meter that I felt was the typical hymns that I knew from church... and I had no idea what the various metrical form names were, or for that matter ANY of the poetical terms. When helpful folks mentioned them, it only confused me more!

One of the writers there taught me that "iambic pentameter" simply meant daDUM daDum daDUM daDUM daDUM [ Well, duh! I said; how come none of my English teachers ever told me that!? ] and then walked me through and understanding of what a quatrain is, what a couplet is and then the fact that an English sonnet = three quatrains and a couplet, and then introduced me to various rhyme and format schemes for other kinds of sonnets. It is an ongoing education, and all of us have little pieces of the big picture to share with each other... including our various and differing perspectives.

Welcome to some life-long learning!

deLightingly, Daniel

Posted by: JustDaniel Dec 5 15, 10:12

Krista, here is one of a thousand ways in which your words might be "expanded" as has been suggested. What I share here is by no means thoroughly in a smooth meter, since I've been restricted by the specific rhyme words that you've chosen, but I want you to try to feel the attempt at a metrical pattern in portraying what you described in your explanation AND in your poem. This is NOT a suggestion of what your piece should say and how to say it. It's merely an example of ONE way that your ideas can be expanded... and a challenge for you to enter into the adventure of doing the same kind of exercise:

Household Secrets

Here I bask in the relish of silence
of the furniture quiet in wait
before play in a dark secret violence
when the humans walk out; it's a fate

that's unknown, so cannot be absolved.
Imagine new use as the switch flicked,
or what force on this day is involved
in which any old item is tricked

into willing nouveau participation
in a transformed existence - a share
in some communal accommodation
with every-day nerves now laid bare.

Watch their unspeaking ways that they serve,
turn in grace in strange ways as they curve.

deLighting in anticipation of your adventure, Daniel

Posted by: K.S. Lenk Dec 5 15, 10:30

THANK YOU, Daniel, for your wonderful explanation and attempt at showing me what it could look like in my own work.
Very helpful.

I am mostly familiar with the daDum rhythm, but always, always seem to end up with DAdum :)
Now I know that is simply called a different meter.

I will rework Household over the next few days and hopefully apply the meter correctly whilst upholding a sensible and interesting piece.

Thanks again for all this effort. Hugely appreciated.

Regards,
K.