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Ali zonak
Posted on: Dec 5 19, 09:55


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Joined: 22-June 17
From: Arizona, USA
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Knight Tannhauser and Venus (After a legend. All comments and sugestions are welcome.)

Canto I
Narrator:
“Oh noble knight and troubadour
why dost thou through the darkness creep
as though you were a common thief
intending harm on those asleep?”

Knight:
“It is the entrance to a cave I seek,
where I among the naiads whiled
and drank the wine of one so fair;
from her sweet presence I was exiled.

“Venus is the one of whom I speak;
I gladly sank to any depth,
and pledged my very soul to her,
my honor, dignity, life’s breath.

“I now desire to gain her love
once more, melt into arms that blest,
embraced me with her love divine
as wanderer and welcome guest.

“Those tousled locks of flame-red hair,
that skin of alabaster white,
her tempting smile and open arms
enchanted me, the lovelorn knight.

“We loved, but then I wished to see
the human world and hear the flutes
there played by unsoiled shepherd boys,
and eat again sweet earthly fruits—

“but she grew full of wrath and spoke:
“Remorse will gnaw you at each turn,
no love shall cheer you, fickle man;
soon humbled, then you shall return.”

“I dream now of her locks cascading--
oh, memories so slowly creep
through my tormented, spellbound mind!
No peace--except in death or sleep.”
Cantos II
(The knight’s reminiscence)
Venus seduces the Knight Tannhauser

Rest here with me, thou weary knight.
Take off thine armor, sheath thy sword.
Am I a monster thou wouldst smite?
I am but Venus, much adored

by gods and mortal men alike.
Thy songs have well preceded thee;
I heard of thee, O troubadour,
and now at last thou came to me.

If thou hast ever longed for love,
then enter freely this enchanted
cave; nymphs invite thee to gay dance,
All these pleasures shall be granted.

Horned fauns and sibyls dance to tunes
by god Pan himself; hear his pipe?
Come, join us in a madrigal.
Why hesitate? The time is ripe.

O dearest knight, now nears the night,
the night of love that smiles upon
our pleasures. Sweeter than the day
are thou, O night of love! The dawn

must call an end to tenderness,
therefore, do not waste fleeting time
that should be used for sweet caress
and freely given love sublime.

Reach out for me; embrace me now;
Thy passion will become the fire
that sear me. Give me thy kisses!
O night, that fills us with desire.

Canto III
Tannhauser responds to Venus’ Temptation


O Goddess, remove thy garment
of gossamer. Strip down to nothing
so I can see thy nakedness.
Thy weblike gown is coarsest clothing

that only mars thy lovely form;
shall I remove it, Goddess fair?
I long to press my manly chest
against thy godly bosom bare

Purse thy lips, complete our oneness--
allow probing tongues to touch
in deep erotic kisses. We grope--
like vines we twist, now lips on lips. . . .

Canto IV

Narrator:
Oh, noble Knight, unhappy man!
your tale of Venus in her cave
is more than just a wild phantasm
that soon may take thee to thy grave...

but tell me, Sire, what art thou called?
Hast thou no loving wife nor kin
to give thee comfort and new hope?
Have faith, the Lord remits all sin.

Tannhauser:
I am ashamed to speak my name
that once rang true and was well known
throughout this land and far beyond,
I sung before the royal throne.

My name? Tannhauser. Cursed it be!
A maiden once spoke it out loud;
with love it pealed from paling lips--
too soon concealed by death’s dark shroud.

A love I had . . . Elizabeth,
so pure and faithful unto death;
to my forever lasting shame--
for me she took her final breath.


I wandered far through woods and plains,
until I rested at this place
where I now stand to tell my tale
of how I saw that wondrous face--

I met the goddess—nay--temptress
who took my heart and swooning mind,
made me her vassal—nay, her slave,
until her love for me declined.

An all-consuming opiate
she hath become to me; each kiss
hurled me toward hell’s flames, into
the gaping, sneering fiend's abyss.

Alas, the goddess, tired of me,
told me to leave her fair domain,
return to my crude upper world
to never see her face again.

I spoke these words as though they would
bring me relief in my despair.
“Rejoice, oh man! I thank Thee, God!”
Still, how can I forget her hair,

enticing locks, that frame her face?
No hope! I can not deny the charm
she cast upon my mind--the demon
who came to cause me utter harm.

Canto V
Tannhauser Abandons Love

Love was my assailant, the trickster
that had disguised itself as pure;
but now my heart is skewered
by passion that I will not endure;

Shall I give in or fan the flames
that rage through this man’s savage breast?
No! Cupid, take thine erring sting
the arrow; though thou didst thy best—

Thou couldst not hit a wide barn door,
yet, thou didst manage to wound me.
How deep and wide? It will suffice
to leave a mark, thanks to thee.

The moon grows pale, my spirit sighs;
I play my harp with certitude,
coaxing melancholic notes
from it that subdue my sullen mood.

As a mirage I now can see thee
once again, Goddess, O, so fair,
how pure moonlight doth become thee
as it adds brightness to thy hair.

But, as for you, my Aphrodite,
today’s love pain will soon become
a bitter memory, I hope–
To Thee-- I shall no more succumb.

Fini

  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #151944 · Replies: 0 · Views: 3

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 10 18, 13:06


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Posts: 92
Joined: 22-June 17
From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325


Hello Bev, and thank you for liking my poem. I haven't been on this site or any others in ages. Parkinson's has caught up with me at the ripe old age of 84, which slowed me down quite a bit. Still, I'll try to appear here on this site when I can. Meantime, thank you very much for your pleasant visit, Ali
  Forum: Poetry Exhibition -> Plato's Pearls of Wisdom · Post Preview: #150951 · Replies: 4 · Views: 21,061

Ali zonak
Posted on: Oct 5 17, 14:24


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QUOTE (Psyche @ Oct 1 17, 02:42 ) *

Very amusing, dark humor, Ali.
I had myself a good laugh.
Bring 'em on!
Best wishes,
Syl*** butterfly.gif


Thank you, Sylvia;
I'm glad my story of Wrangler Bill amused you. I'm sure Bill would have a good laugh himself, alas he is 6' under, and I'm not sure he is allowed to laugh where he presently resides--or is he? Thanks again for appreciating my "darker" side, Sylvia.
Take care, charliebrown.gif Ali
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148679 · Replies: 2 · Views: 1,627

Ali zonak
Posted on: Oct 5 17, 14:12


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From: Arizona, USA
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QUOTE (Psyche @ Oct 1 17, 03:22 ) *

Hi Ali,
I've come over for a visit after a long time.
And I've been fortunate in finding this lovely painting, as well as what appears to be a true love poem.
Beautifully achieved, both of them.
The ending sounds sad, I don't know whether "asleep" may mean that this beautiful lady has passed away... After all, she would awaken and could be painted then.

Never mind, I've probably opened my mouth and put my foot in it. Please forgive.

So glad you shared these two sentimental works of art with us.

Best wishes,
Syl*** butterfly.gif


Pleased to see you again, Sylvia'
yes, I wrote that poem in one of my sentimental moments--or should I say, a moment of deepest appreciation of my wife and the many joyful years we have spent together. We both are well--although I just got out of the hospital due to a complicated upper respiratory infection from which I'm recovering splendidly. Thank you for your lovely comment, Sylvia.
Ali
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #148678 · Replies: 4 · Views: 2,312

Ali zonak
Posted on: Sep 18 17, 07:21


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Posts: 92
Joined: 22-June 17
From: Arizona, USA
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[quote name='Larry' date='Sep 15 17, 08:11 ' post='148532']
This was written over 20 years ago, a week or so after the paparazzi caused the wreck which took Diana’s life in Paris. I figured, seeing as how all the television specials aired a tribute to her, I would like to add my two cents. This might be considered a ballad or a “Stretched Sonnet” in iambic tetrameter; whichever you like.





Ode to Princess Diana

Grief flows from souls! A molten stream
falls down upon a world-wide wreath
as anguished wails rise like a dream
to God from mourners’ hearts beneath.

Her shortened life, romance and fame
was ended as from fears she fled;
though mother of two kings, the same.
Earth’s fragrant flower now lies dead.

Great deeds achieved with more to give
the sick and poor; brought hope's bright rays.
Plucked from life's path where she could live;
the long night fell upon her days.

Bright streams of flowers, laid with care,
The whole world paused in silent prayer.

Hi Larry;
your poem is just fine, but by changing the last quatrain into a couplet (see above) you also have a sonnet. And now I should bite my tongue, lol. I never cared for royalty; and I certainly never cared for the woman whose lifestyle was a bit on the fast side--although the press tried to overlook her conduct that, in my opinion, was less than princely. Just the biased opinion of a guy who believes in non-boozing fairy-tale princesses. Sorry, Larry.
Ali
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148549 · Replies: 6 · Views: 1,995

Ali zonak
Posted on: Sep 13 17, 15:48


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Posts: 92
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From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325


QUOTE (Larry @ Sep 12 17, 08:04 ) *
Hey Ali,

I really wish you hadn't removed the poem you had posted here under your wife's painting. I had worked for two weeks with a critique even though I seldom come to this forum. I'm a dyed-in-the-wool R&M kind of guy but "Ragnarok" was not only an interesting piece but also a very good ancient history lesson.

I just dumped my critique! Oh well, my first thoughts on seeing the painting was that of an immense scaled dragon peering at the world through one eye.

I enjoyed your poem while it was up. Thanks for your insight and for sharing.

Larry



Hi Larry,
I appreciate your own effort of writing a critique and realize that things are moving slowly on this site. But jeepers, after some twenty days of no-comments on my free-verse I had to assume that it had failed to pass muster. The fact is, from time to time I write horrible garbage that I then throw against the wall just to see what will stick. I'm glad you liked my verses while they were up. Most certainly, Lynda will be tickled at your interpretation of her painting. The Sun-devouring dragon works for me, indeed. Thank you, Larry. Ali and Lynda
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #148531 · Replies: 2 · Views: 1,814

Ali zonak
Posted on: Sep 5 17, 07:28


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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 92
Joined: 22-June 17
From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325


QUOTE (Larry @ Sep 4 17, 21:31 ) *
Hello Ali,

Thanks for clarifying the name thing. I did check the member list and you are still on the list as JerryK. Don't know what the problem with signing on under that name. Why don't you try it again.

Larry


Thanks for checking, Larry,
but no matter what I try, the message remains the same. It's something about an error in the name or password. Actually, I'm quite content with "Ali" as in Ali Baba, lol. See you soon, Ali
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148493 · Replies: 11 · Views: 3,467

Ali zonak
Posted on: Sep 2 17, 06:43


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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 92
Joined: 22-June 17
From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325


QUOTE (Larry @ Aug 19 17, 21:36 ) *
Hi Ali,

I am so pleased that you and Lynda liked my answer to the picture challenge. It took me a few days to construct but the first phrase popped into my mind while looking at the picture for the first time.

I love a good challenge!

Larry
(this is my real name)



Good Morning/Day, Larry;
once again I thank thee, kind Sir, and I know that Larry is thy rightful name; never had any doubt, lol. As to my real name--well, I confess to having played the chameleon. I think about a year ago I found myself banished from this site--at least I think I was, for I could not log on by my name "JerryK., which stands for Jerry Kemp. Recently I decided to change my alias to Ali, and . . . Bingo! Here I am. Well, now, after this revelation, I can only wait for the other "Boot" to drop as I wonder whether or not I will be "booted" off this site for no real reason that I can think of. Meanwhile, thank you, Larry.
Jerry
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148481 · Replies: 11 · Views: 3,467

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 20 17, 07:38


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Painting by Lynda Lu
Attached Image


The Solar Eclipse 2017
Baldur the Sun-god is reborn.


Text removed 9-11=16
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #148331 · Replies: 2 · Views: 1,814

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 20 17, 06:31


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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 92
Joined: 22-June 17
From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325


QUOTE (Larry @ Aug 19 17, 21:40 ) *
Hey Ali,

If you will notice in the stanza above "Miasma", I used the word fog which is what Websters' defines as a murk, miasma, thick haze, etc.. Not wanting to be redundant, I used a different word. Besides, it matched the metrical flow of the sonnet.

Glad you enjoyed.

Larry



Hi Larry;
actually, in the given context "miasma" does work quite well. As said before, no nits. I wonder where our friend Eagle-eye Daniel might be these days? Greetings to him and all the other absentees. Take care, Ali
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148330 · Replies: 9 · Views: 3,782

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 18 17, 16:55


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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 92
Joined: 22-June 17
From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325


QUOTE (Larry @ Aug 18 17, 09:05 ) *
Ali, here is a Sonnet "to boot"!


The Shrine

One boot was in the stirrups when he fell
while rounding up some strays that needed brands;
the other one was lost along the trail.
It followed near the bluffs above the sands

and sediment from raging river’s bed
that shaped the land; depositing its silt.
The mouth and delta formed a nice homestead
so that is where his house and ranch were built.

Sunflower seeds were planted in one field
for drying and to feed his little herds
of sheep and cows. He always had good yield
so there was extra seed to feed the birds.

His horse came back, that boot still lodged in place
so it is now a shrine; a meagre trace.


Larry, wow! What a marvelous monument to Lynda's boot you have built. Plenty of Sunflowers to rival the number of poppies in Flanders' fields She loves it; made her day! On a similarly tragic note, I posted a photo shot and poem about Wrangler Bill who died in the saddle. I think I had it published in The Australia Times under my real name. Thanks, Ali
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148309 · Replies: 11 · Views: 3,467

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 18 17, 16:40


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Gate to Ali's/Lynda/s Homestead in Arizona
Attached Image


The Rock’n “S” Ranch and Wrangler Bill's Demise

It happened some five miles from home,
the Rockin’ S Ranch in the vale;
Old Wrangler Bill died on his horse,
he was as dead as a doornail.

His ol’ Nell brought him home at dusk,
one hand still holding tight the rein,
the other clutching his mare’s mane;
he was beyond all earthly pain.

We heaved him from the saddle which
by no means was an easy chore,
for here’s the doggone, honest fact
I had not thought of much before:

His pair of legs in chaps were shaped
much like the split-down letter “O”,
he’d rode them horses for so long--
on ground he walked bowlegged--like so: ( )

Each leg looked like a hunting bow,
just as behooves a buckaroo,
but now he’s dead. When all was said,
it’s better him than me or you.

We buried him on top Boot Hill
right next to his old pardner Dave.
We hung a bridle on a cross
and whizzed upon that cowboy’s grave.

We said some words to fit the bill,
then raised a glass of some vile swill
and drank a toast to him and went
to see what he’d left us in his will.

Well, that night we had El Niño
a-comin'-down. That flood we get
about ev’ry so many years—
it rained and rained and all got wet,

and mud came sliding down the hill—
and so did Bill who didn’t pause
till he had reached the bunkhouse porch--
half-buried in the mud he was.

Though muddy, wet, old wrangler Bill,
he did arrive at heaven’s gate;
St. Peter looked him up and down,
and asked, “How come you are so late?”

Well, Bill then hemmed and hawed, told tales
about the saintly life he’d kept
and some such lies to beat the band,
until St. Peter sobbed and wept,

and let him join the heaven’s host.
In lieu of harps, he plays guitar
and jangles both his rusty spurs.
At times, you hear him from afar

a-singing ‘bout his rugged life
down at the ranch called Rockin’ S
and his beloved a-RI-zo-NA,
then bitchin’ about me, I guess.

Happy Trails, Pardner Bill.



  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148308 · Replies: 2 · Views: 1,627

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 17 17, 14:33


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QUOTE (Larry @ Aug 16 17, 14:56 ) *
and on a more serious note...


Sentinels

An ember gleams upon horizon’s lip (horizon's lip is a great metaphor)
when sighted through the fog on stormy seas
and slowly, it becomes a fingertip (same with fingertip)
that points from rocky promontory’s keys

to safer shores. An alabaster spear ( great image)
will pierce the darkest night. Miasma’s heart (unsure about Miasma. As in " miasma of fear"?
is torn asunder like a sailor’s fear
that dissipates with light and will impart

a sense of ease. This stolid knight will stand
on guard, dressed in his comic uniform
of candied stripes. On every shore his band
will warn of danger, keeping all from harm.

A sentinel and shrine for those who brave
the ocean’s depth; a shield from briny grave.


A fine sonnet, Larry. I'm not sure about Miasma's heart. I love what the stolid knight's colored stripes signify. Pressed on time, I'll need to come back. Offhand, except for Miasma's heart (sounds like a proper noun, which you may have intended, lol,) I find no nits. Ali
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148288 · Replies: 9 · Views: 3,782

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 16 17, 18:37


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[quote name='Larry' date='Aug 16 17, 14:58 ' post='148276']
City Boy

Howdy, Larry: I don't usually write mixed meter verses because I hate being called on the carpet for an unevenness, but every once in a while I practice what an old sage (who shall remain unnamed) had told me: "Variations are allowed in metric verse. Iambs and trochees may be interchanged in alternate lines; even an unaccented word is permitted like a musical grace note played on the piano. However, the dominant foot should be there to justify the name given to the verse. Yet, without some fluctuation, the constant “ta TUM ta TUM” would make the reading of a poem monotonous." That's why composers stick grace notes into their compositions.
And that is why I can appreciate your Sonnet. Well done, actually. Take care,
Ali
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148277 · Replies: 2 · Views: 1,713

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 13 17, 17:29


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-------------- DAS BOOT-----------VERSUS ----------- THE BOOT
Attached Image
------
Attached Image


“Das Boot versus The Boot”

“Das Boot” I wore for riding--
I would not ever wear plain shoe;
one time it had a rusty spur.
I gave the boat to Lynda Lu

who cleaned it up with saddle soap.
I told her, “Get that speck of &%*&...,”
She said, “Go put a sock in it,
Gawd’s sake, you just don’t ever quit!”

“Das Boot” was caught up in a war;
A submarine is called a ”Boat”
but the German says, “It’s a Boot,”
as I, of course, was quick to note,

Shown here is one oil-painted “boat,”
but where the other one might be--
I could have sworn I had a pair--
I guess THAT boot was lost at sea.

(Did I make myself quite clear?) No,huh?
charliebrown.gif
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148246 · Replies: 0 · Views: 1,157

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 11 17, 19:24


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QUOTE (Larry @ Aug 11 17, 16:06 ) *
for the lighthouse painted like a barber pole


Folks don’t come for a haircut or shave
to this house that’s tucked into a nave
of a rocky coastline
but I think it’s divine
to save most from a watery grave.



Love it, Larry! heheheh

My own meager effort might be:

This painter had white paint and red;
Let’s paint up a lighthouse he said.
Red stripes on pure white,
The beacon flashed bright,
“Get shave’n haircuts, two bits per head!”
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148233 · Replies: 9 · Views: 3,782

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 11 17, 14:31


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QUOTE (Eisa @ Aug 11 17, 15:04 ) *
Hi Ali,

I am presuming that you painted the beautiful portrait? You are so talented!

On first read I can see nothing much to nit-pick in your lovely poem, which is a great match to the picture..


Your hair is soft. Gossamer would feel coarse
against my cheeks. Your locks, splendidly fine,
would throw fair Venus into fits of jealousy
By daylight, when you are awake, I must
attempt to paint your portrait in oil, but I know
that once again my skills shall fail me.
Do I render this flower in radiant colors to achieve
such lovely bloom? Still, I should have failed Perhaps 'still' could be deleted for conciseness?
to do you justice. Paint those parting lips?
Ah! I must touch them and look into your eyes—
eyes that enhance your features, like the stars
that serve to beautify heaven. But you are asleep.

I found the ending a little abrupt (but not in a bad way) Perhaps change to 'A pity you are asleep'

Take or toss, Ali - that might just be me. A beautiful poem & picture. I enjoyed.

Eira



Hi Eira;
I like your suggestion "A pity . . . ."
For me, creating a perfect ending is about as difficult as adding the final touch to a painting--which in this case was my signature. I took a photo of my old painting before even adding my signature to it. Yes, it's mine, only one of several. It is of sentimental value to me. Thank you for reading my poem and your suggestion. charliebrown.gif Ali
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #148222 · Replies: 4 · Views: 2,312

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 11 17, 06:35


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From: Arizona, USA
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QUOTE (Psyche @ Aug 11 17, 00:01 ) *
butterfly.gifHi Ali,
I've moved your lovely lighthouses over to Acropolis as well, for the weekly MM challenges.
I've left them in Hermes, because I don't know whether you wish them to remain.
Please let me know, so that members know that the challenge is set up.
Best,
Psyche butterfly.gif


Thanks, Psyche;
yes, this is perfectly fine. I hope other members are up to the challenge. charliebrown.gif Ali
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148219 · Replies: 9 · Views: 3,782

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 9 17, 19:35


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Attached Image


Attempting a Portrait

Your hair is soft. Gossamer would feel coarse
against my cheeks. Your locks, splendidly fine,
would throw fair Venus into fits of jealousy
By daylight, when you are awake, I must
attempt to paint your portrait in oil, but I know
that once again my skills shall fail me.
Do I render this flower in radiant colors to achieve
such lovely bloom? Still, I should have failed
to do you justice. Paint those parting lips?
Ah! I must touch them and look into your eyes—
eyes that enhance your features, like the stars
that serve to beautify heaven. But you are asleep.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #148196 · Replies: 4 · Views: 2,312

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 5 17, 11:34


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QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Aug 5 17, 04:58 ) *
Thank you for the wonderful, well constructed sonnet, Ali. Thank you also for the information about the Minot Ledge Light. I did a bit of reading on in, inspired by your sonnet, and discovered that it is the most expensive lighthouse ever built in the US.

One thing I don't understand, though I read it again in my research, what the flashing sequence means. HOW does it flash that sequence. I can't yet wrap my mind around what it would LOOK like to me if I were on a ship or on shore seeing the sequence. Please explain.

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel sun.gif




Hi Daniel, and thanks for the nice comment.

Goodness, how can I best explain your question? It’s about as difficult as explaining to my grandchildren why the sky is blue and not green—and believe me, I have tried that . . . .

Many lighthouses are still set up with the Fresnel lens that flashes its light in a particular sequence as an identification of the specific lighthouse to let the navigator or captain know where the ship would be. There are numerous sequences or codes for various lighthouses. Usually a lighthouse displays a group of flashes at 10 or 20 second intervals. Minot Ledge Lighthouse is rated as a group-flashing lighthouse, with a pause in between groups of flashes. Well, romantic couples were quick to adopt the signal as the personal message “I - l-o-v-e - y-o-u ----“ I haven't heard of any one changing it to I Hate You.
The signal of Minot’s Ledge Lighthouse flashing cycle 1-4-3, was adopted in 1894, and as said above, it’s flashing sequence is often referred to as “I Love You,” because the number of flashes correspond with the number of letters in that phrase.
I Love you.
1 Flash - 4 flashes - 3 flashes pause
1 letter 4 letters 3 letters

I hope this help? Thanks Daniel; I appreciate your comment very much. charliebrown.gif
Ali
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148159 · Replies: 5 · Views: 2,441

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 5 17, 11:24


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 92
Joined: 22-June 17
From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325


QUOTE (Larry @ Aug 4 17, 16:22 ) *
Hi Ali,

Very nicely done. A painting and a sonnet, both of which are beautiful. Thank you for sharing your talents.

Larry


Hi Larry;
I'm delighted that you approved of my painting and the Sonnet. I have more paintings that I will post at the appropriate time. Thank you very much, Larry. charliebrown.gif
Ali
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148158 · Replies: 5 · Views: 2,441

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 4 17, 19:32


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 92
Joined: 22-June 17
From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325


QUOTE (Larry @ Aug 4 17, 17:22 ) *
Hi Ali,

Very nicely done. A painting and a sonnet, both of which are beautiful. Thank you for sharing your talents.

Larry


Thank you, Larry;
it may strike you as odd that an old desert rat like me should be in love with the sea. I spent many years on the water, but then, marriage and the desert called me away. I'm glad you like both, Painting and Sonnet. charliebrown.gif Ali
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148147 · Replies: 5 · Views: 2,441

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 4 17, 14:53


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 92
Joined: 22-June 17
From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325


Lovers' Lighthouse (Inspired by my Oil Paintings)

A light for those in peril on the seas,
this lighthouse stands upon a ledge to warn
away the erring ship. At night one sees
its sequence, flash—dark—flash, until the morn,
but sweethearts know, this structure built on reef
notes all their secret words divulged at night.
Though interspersed with gloomy darts of grief,
it carries Cupid’s smile on beams of light,
and should a love feel threatened by cold haze,
the lighthouse proves receptive to one’s plea.
Its beacon, bound to heartless rock, will blaze
and cast its rays of hope across the sea
in ever constant sequence, 1—4—3,
which, every lover knows, means: “I—love—thee.”


Note: Minot’s Ledge Lighthouse —known by south shore locals as the “I Love You Light” for it’s 1-4-3 flash signature.
  Forum: Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -... · Post Preview: #148136 · Replies: 5 · Views: 2,441

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 4 17, 14:39


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 92
Joined: 22-June 17
From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325


QUOTE (Psyche @ Aug 3 17, 23:49 ) *
Thank you, Ali, for your kind comments. Falling is bad!
I think I'll post something now. In Hermes.
All the best and enjoy life and poetry,
Psyche butterfly.gif


Thank you, Psyche,
and yes, I just commented on your interesting poem. My very best to you, dear lady, charliebrown.gif
Ali
  Forum: Introduce Yourself · Post Preview: #148135 · Replies: 8 · Views: 22,883

Ali zonak
Posted on: Aug 4 17, 14:29


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 92
Joined: 22-June 17
From: Arizona, USA
Member No.: 5,325


QUOTE (Psyche @ Aug 4 17, 01:17 ) *
I've posted this poem here because it has end rhymes. Not all perfect ones.
I'm mostly interested in a few suggestions to give the lines some sort of fixed form, perhaps changing some words to achieve that. I don't want a complete re-write of my poem, so if it's too complicated don't take the trouble!
Thanks a lot!

PATAGONIA LOST

In many ways I’ve left behind the dreams and loves
I cherished most, and yet as years go by the word
adios still binds me to the coos of turtledoves;
the glare of Austral skies, where a circling bird

swoops to snatch a creature fleeing in the brush.
Of trails Tehuelche braves stalked in bygone days,
or nomad’s camps safe from the Holy Grail rush;
before winka sliced the steppes with railways

forged by slaves to traffic Remingtons, or purged
the patterned prairies of jaguars and ñandues.
Concrete dams and buzzing pylons emerged
on cactus lands, carcasses shed lucent hues

on llanos swept anhydrous by the wailing winds.
Thus memory is laced with fuzzy images
of childhood pastures… heartstrings
my thoughts will not let go despite the ravages

of time and loss. So to the present day I smile
at all my lost or wayward worlds -red horizons
receding in a cone of plangent light- meanwhile
spirits summon me from crowded pantheons

of Patagonian lore. Captive of the fading
tones that grip my heart or force an odd grimace
cling to phantom walls, I cannot rouse the swaying
poplar trees, nor speak to you, caress your face.

by Psyche.






Hello Psyche,
you are right, there are a few near-rhymes (such as grimace/face) contained in your poem, but I have a tendency to ignore those, especially if a story line is as good as yours. I would suggest that you set your poem in iambic pentameter, meaning five metric feet, ta TUM / ta TUM / ta TUM / ta TUM / ta TUM. The reason being that your lines are already long--for the most part, and the Iambic foot is the most common in the English language (see Shakespeare's Sonnets). For proper hyphenation, for the sake of syllable count and accentuation, I would consult Merian Webster's dictionary.
Sorry, I'm not the greatest critic, especially since I just had fatty tissue removed; the anesthesia's after-effects--well, that's something else to write about, lol. It's great to see you write again, Psyche. Ali
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