Crocodile Dreams, Dream Sequence 1 Options

[Guest_Nina_*]

Crocodile Dreams (revised thanks James, Fran)

Dream Sequence 1

I am standing by the side of the road when a sleek black car, with tinted windows, pulls up.  The rear passenger door slides open.  Curious, I peer inside.  The driver is a well-known wealthy businessman with a reputation for ruthlessness.  He smiles coldly at me, flashing a row of perfect white teeth.

“Get in,” he orders.  I glance at the back seat, hesitating for a moment.  Then I notice a baby crocodile, not much bigger than a daddy longlegs, scampering along the black, leather neck rest.  Reluctant, I look at the passenger sitting behind the driver.  He is urging me to get in.  I turn back to the businessman, ready to say “no thank you, I’d rather walk,” when I catch sight of a second, larger crocodile being held and petted by him.  The words freeze in my mouth.  I gulp, trying to suppress my fear as I look at the menacing, green, scaly creature.  Its eyes are fixed hungrily on my face, huge jaws wide open, exposing a set of vicious, sharply honed teeth; pink tongue moving from side to side, salivating.

Terrified, shaking, I spin round and start running. Desperate to distance the car, I head down the first side road - heart thumping in my chest, a stitch in my side, I force myself to keep running. Looking back I can see the black car closing. I can’t outrun it! I race down a narrow alley, grateful the car is too wide to follow. Panting heavily, I struggle to keep going, not daring to rest. I take  different paths, arriving at the docks: a dead end. I sense the car not far away. Panicking, I take a right turn down another alley, running parallel to the sea. Glancing down, I notice pot-holes up the centre of the road. Crouched in each hole is a small, sleepy crocodile. I slide past each as quietly and quickly as possible. Hugging the side wall, I hope not to disturb the creatures, not daring to take my eyes off them. They snap at my heels as I pass - but stay in their holes.


I am relieved to have come through unharmed  - though I seem to be in a dead end.  Exhausted, tears of frustration streaming down my face, I stand there, bent forward, hands on thighs, trying to get my breath back.  I daren’t go back but what can I do?  Then I realise that I’m at the back of a vaguely familiar pub.  I remember the heavy black door.  I race over to it, pulling at the handle.  It is unlocked and opens easily.  I slip inside, trying to look as calm and casual as possible and walk through to the bar.  Perhaps I can hide here for a while, till it is safe to go back outside?  Maybe the car will give up and leave me alone?  I look around for a seat in a secluded corner to huddle into when the door opens.  Cold air rushes into the room. I shiver as the driver and his companion walk through the door, heading towards me.  There is nowhere to run.







------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crocodile Dreams (original)

I am standing by the side of the road when a sleek black car with tinted windows, pulls up next to me.  The rear passenger door slides open.  Curious, I peer inside.  The driver is a well-known wealthy businessman who has a reputation for being ruthless.  He smiles coldly at me, flashing a row of perfect white teeth.
“Get in the car,” he orders.  I glance at the back seat, hesitating for a moment.  Then I notice a baby crocodile, not much bigger than a daddy longlegs, scampering along the black, leather neck rest.  Reluctant to get in, I look over at the passenger sitting behind the driver.  He is urging me to get in.  I turn back to the businessman ready to mouth the words “no thank you, I’d rather walk,” when I catch sight of a second, larger crocodile being held and petted by him.  The words choke in my mouth.  I gulp, trying to suppress my fear as I look at the menacing green, scaly creature.  Its eyes are fixed hungrily on my face, huge jaws wide open, exposing a set of vicious looking, sharply honed teeth, its pink tongue moving from side to side, salivating.

Terrified and shaking, I spin round and start running, desperate to get as far away from the car as possible.  I head down the first side road I come across.  Heart thumping in my chest, a stitch in my side, I force myself to keep running.  Looking back I can see the black car getting closer and closer.  I can’t outrun it.  Then I spy a narrow alleyway.  I race down there grateful that the car is too wide to follow me.  Panting heavily, I struggle to keep going, not daring to rest, taking different paths, till find myself at the docks, a dead end.  I can sense the car not far away.  Panicking, I take a right turn down another alleyway, running parallel to the sea.  I glance down at the ground and notice pot-holes all the way up  the middle of the road. Crouched in each hole is a small, sleepy crocodile.  I slide past each hole as quietly and as quickly as possible, hugging the side wall, hoping not to disturb the creatures, not daring to take my eyes off them.  They snap at my heels as I pass but stay in their holes.

I am relieved to have managed to get through unharmed only to find there is no way out of the alley.  Exhausted, tears of frustration streaming down my face, I stand there, bent forward, hands on my thighs, trying to get my breath back.  I daren’t go back down the alley but where can I go from here?  Then I realise that I’m at the back of a vaguely familiar pub.  I remember the heavy black door.  I race over to it, pulling at the handle.  Thankfully it is unlocked and opens easily.  I slip inside and trying to look as calm and casual as possible, walk through to the bar.  Perhaps I can hide here for a while, till it is safe to go back outside.  Maybe the car will give up and leave me alone.  I look around for a seat in a secluded corner to huddle into when the door opens.  Cold air rushes into the room.  I shiver as I see the driver and his companion walk through the door and come towards me.  There is nowhere to run.

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Nina,

Wow I wouldn't want to be caught in your dreams!  This was a very vivid accounting.  I winced everytime I thought of the crocs snapping at your heels.  

I am standing by the side of the road when a sleek black car with tinted windows, pulls up next to me.  The rear passenger door [swings]{slides} open.  Curious, I peer inside.  The driver is a well-known wealthy businessman who has a reputation for being ruthless.  He smiles coldly at me, flashing a row of perfect white teeth.
“Get in the car,” he orders.  I glance at the back seat, hesitating for a moment.  Then I notice a baby crocodile, not much bigger than a daddy longlegs, scampering along the black, leather neck rest.  Reluctant to get in, I look over at the passenger sitting behind the driver.  He is urging me to get in.  I turn back to the businessman ready to mouth the words “no thank you, I’d rather walk,” when I catch sight of a second, larger crocodile being held and petted by him.  The words choke in my mouth.  I gulp, trying to suppress my fear as I look at the menacing green, scaly creature.  Its eyes are fixed hungrily on my face, huge jaws wide open, exposing a set of vicious looking, sharply honed teeth, its pink tongue moving from side to side, salivating.

Terrified and shaking, I spin round and start running, desperate to get as far away from the car as possible.  I head down the first side road I come across.  Heart thumping in my chest, a stitch in my side, I force myself to keep running.  Looking back I can see the black car getting closer and closer.  I can’t outrun it.  Then I spy a narrow alleyway.  I race down there grateful that the car is too wide to follow me.  Panting heavily, I struggle to keep going, not daring to rest, taking different paths, till [I] find myself at the docks, a dead end.  I can sense the car not far away.  Panicking, I take a right turn down another alleyway, running parallel to the sea.  I glance down at the ground and notice pot-holes all the way up  the middle of the road. Crouched in each hole is a small, sleepy crocodile.  I slide past each hole as quietly and as quickly as possible, hugging the side wall, hoping not to disturb the creatures, not daring to take my eyes off them.  They snap at my heels as I pass but stay in their holes.

I am relieved to have managed to get through unharmed only to find there is no way out of the alley.  Exhausted, tears of frustration streaming down my face, I stand there, bent forward, hands on my thighs, trying to get my breath back.  I daren’t go back down the alley but where can I go from here?  Then I realise that I’m at the back of a vaguely familiar pub.  I remember the heavy black door.  I race over to it, pulling at the handle.  Thankfully it is unlocked and opens easily.  I slip inside and trying to look as calm and casual as possible, walk through to the bar.  Perhaps I can hide here for a while, till it is safe to go back outside.  Maybe the car will give up and leave me alone.  I look around for a seat in a secluded corner to huddle into when the door opens.  Cold air rushes into the room.  I shiver as I see the driver and his companion walk through the door and come towards me.  There is nowhere [left] to run.

And that's the end???  What did they want with you?  I could imagine you being the croc's supper.  The other passenger was meant to be and that's why he was urging you to get in the car.  If the croc ate you then he was spared!  LOL

Very enjoyable!
Cathy

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

Wow I wouldn't want to be caught in your dreams!  This was a very vivid accounting.  I winced everytime I thought of the crocs snapping at your heels.

LOL, I don't particularly like being caught in my dreams either and I have written this pretty much as I dreamt it.

The rear passenger door [swings]{slides} open.

in my dream the door slid open, like in some of the smart black people carriers that celebs use.

There is nowhere [left] to run.

I'm not sure if "left" is really necessary.

And that's the end???  What did they want with you?  I could imagine you being the croc's supper.  The other passenger was meant to be and that's why he was urging you to get in the car.  If the croc ate you then he was spared!  LOL

At that point I frightened myself awake, LOL

Thanks for being brave enough to read this and comment
.
Nina

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina

This is such a scary story. Did it really come from a bad dream? If so I'm particularly impressed - I'd be very hard pressed to get any of my dreams onto paper (though I suppose they may influence my darker writing).

I'm not sure what kind of crit you are after, but I have been very fierce because I think that the images are there, and quite terrifying, but perhaps a bit obscured by some extra wording that could be trimmed. Perhaps you (and others) will disagree - and it is your story, so please ignore my comments if they are not helpful.

As usual: [add] {omit} comment

{I am standing by the side of the road when a}[A] sleek black car with tinted windows, pulls up next to me at the curb.  I think the para could be rearanged so that the door opens at the  end... The rear passenger door slides open.  Curious, I peer inside.  The driver is a well-known {wealthy} businessman who has a reputation for being ruthless.  He smiles coldly at me, flashing a row of perfect white teeth. para break extra line ?
“Get in the car,” he orders.  I glance at the back seat, {hesitating for a moment.  Then I notice} [noticing] a baby crocodile, not much bigger than a daddy longlegs wonderful comparison image - very scary, scampering along the black{,} leather neck rest.  {Reluctant to get in, }I look over at the passenger sitting behind the driver.  He is urging me to get in. I'd like a description of the passenger - however brief: what is he? Who is he?  I turn back to the businessman {ready} to {mouth the words}[say] “no thank you, I’d rather walk,” when I catch sight of a second, larger[,]crocodile {being held and petted by him} [that he is petting].  The words choke in my mouth.  I gulp, trying to suppress my fear as I look at the menacing[,] green, scaly creature.  Its eyes are fixed hungrily on my face, huge jaws wide open or open wide? , exposing a set of vicious {looking}, sharply honed teeth{, its}[;] pink tongue moving from side to side, salivating. I feel quite terrified reading now!

{Terrified and s}[S]haking, I spin round and {start running}[run], desperate to get {as far} away from the car {as possible}.  I head down the first side road I {come across}[see].  Heart thumping in my chest, a stitch in my side, I force myself to keep running.  Looking back I can see the black car [following], getting closer and closer [, gaining on me].  I can’t outrun it.  Then I spy a narrow alleyway.  {I race down there grateful that t}[T]he car is too wide to follow me.  Panting {heavily}, I {struggle to keep going, not daring to} [dare not] rest, {taking different paths,} till [I] find myself at the docks{,}[:] a dead end.  I can sense the car not far away.  {Panicking,} I take {a right} turn down another alleyway, {running} parallel to the sea.  {I glance down at the ground and notice}[There are] pot-holes all the way up  the middle of the road. Crouched in each hole is a small{, sleepy} crocodile. If they are sleepy why are they snapping?  I {slide past}[pass] each hole as {quietly and} as quickly as possible, hugging the {side} wall, hoping not to disturb the creatures, not daring to take my eyes off them.  They snap at my heels {as I pass} but stay in their holes.

I am relieved to {have managed to} get through unharmed {only to find}[but] there is no way out of the alley.  Exhausted{,} tears of frustration stream{ing} down my face, I stand there, bent {forward, hands on my thighs}[double], trying to get my breath back.  I daren’t go back down the alley but where can I go from here?  Then I realise that I’m at the back of a vaguely familiar pub{.}[:]  I remember the heavy black door.  {I race over to it, pulling at the handle. } Thankfully it is unlocked and opens easily.  I slip inside and try{ing} to look as calm and casual as possible, walk[ing] through {to} the bar.  Perhaps I can hide here for a while, till it is safe to go back outside.  Maybe the car will give up and leave me alone.  I look around for a seat in a secluded corner to huddle into when the door opens.  Cold air rushes into the room.  I shiver as I see the driver and his companion walk through the door and come towards me.  There is nowhere to run.

Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

This is such a scary story. Did it really come from a bad dream? If so I'm particularly impressed - I'd be very hard pressed to get any of my dreams onto paper (though I suppose they may influence my darker writing).

It really did come from a bad dream, described pretty much as I remember it.  

Thanks for your very extensive crit.  I'm a bit too tired now to give them the consideration they deserve, so I'll look through it carefully tomorrow.


Thanks for the hard work you put in and sorry to give you such a scary story to read on your birthday as well.  Hope you had a good day.

Take care

Nina

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Hi, Nina.

I fully endorse Fran's suggestions for this piece (unfortunately, I've run out of 'Endorsed by Perry' stickers to attach to her crit).

This is a very well rendered nightmare and had me glued to the screen all the way through. My one criticism is that there is an implied 'and then I woke up' ending, which is banal and the piece deserves much better.

Given the power of your imagination, why not continue the story and see how it turns out? You could develop it as a Kafka-esqe allegory, perhaps, or maybe a tale of alienation and paranoia. Are they really crocodiles or just figments of her tortured psyche? Is the businessman a businessman or really a benefactor or a doctor?

Anyway, it's your call but I'd love to see it become something more than it is.

Perry

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Perry

This is a very well rendered nightmare and had me glued to the screen all the way through. My one criticism is that there is an implied 'and then I woke up' ending, which is banal and the piece deserves much better.

I hadn't really thought about taking it further but I shall give it some thought.  I had only thought about keeping the story true to the dream itself and of course at that point I scared myself awake.  

Thanks for popping in and reading

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Suggestions: [+]{-}(comments)

Crocodile Dreams

I am standing by the side of the road when a sleek black car[,] with tinted windows, pulls up[.] {next to me}. The rear passenger door slides open. Curious, I peer inside. The driver is a well-known wealthy businessman {who has}[with] a [ruthless] reputation {for being ruthless}. He smiles coldly at me, flashing a row of perfect white teeth.

("with tinted windows" is a sub-clause, hence needs to be surrounded by commas)
("next to me" seems axiomatic from the foregoing)

(line gap here)

“Get in {the car},” he orders. I glance at the back seat, hesitating for a moment. Then I notice a baby crocodile, not much bigger than a daddy longlegs, scampering along the black, leather neck rest. Reluctant {to get in}, I look {over} at the passenger {sitting} behind the driver. He is urging me to get in. I turn back to the businessman[,] ready to mouth the words “no thank you, I’d rather walk,” when I catch sight of a second, larger crocodile being held and petted by him. {The words choke in my mouth} (cliché - try re-phrasing). I gulp, trying to suppress my fear as I look at the menacing green, scaly creature. Its eyes are fixed hungrily on my face, huge jaws wide open, exposing a set of vicious looking, sharply honed teeth, its pink tongue moving from side to side, salivating.

("ready to mouth the words “no thank you, I’d rather walk," is another sub-clause, hence again needs commas)
(I'm not sure if the last two sentences apply to the businessman or the croc! LOL)
(I love the above paragraph - wonderful image)

Terrified and shaking, I spin round and start running, desperate to get as far away from the car as possible. {I head} down the first side road {I come across.}[-] Heart thumping in my chest, a stitch in my side, I force myself to keep running. Looking back I can see the black car {getting closer and closer}[closing]. I can’t outrun it. {Then} I spy a narrow alleyway. I race down there grateful that the car is too wide to follow me. Panting heavily, I struggle to keep going, not daring to rest, taking different paths, till find myself at the docks, a dead end. I can sense the car not far away. Panicking, I take a right turn down another alleyway, running parallel to the sea. I glance down at the ground and notice pot-holes all the way up the middle of the road. Crouched in each hole is a small, sleepy crocodile. I slide past each hole as quietly and as quickly as possible, hugging the side wall, hoping not to disturb the creatures, not daring to take my eyes off them. They snap at my heels as I pass but stay in their holes.

(Avoid waffle and small words in the above para in particular, as they slow the chase)
(avoid "get", "got" and "getting" whenever possible (vague, meaningless words) - in speech ok)

(Suggested re-phrasing of above para to speed it up etc…)

Terrified, shaking, I spin round and start running. Desperate to distance the car, I head down the first side road - heart thumping in my chest, a stitch in my side, I force myself to keep running. Looking back I can see the black car closing. I can’t outrun it! I race down a narrow alley, grateful the car is too wide to follow. Panting heavily, I struggle to keep going, not daring to rest. I take  different paths, arriving at the docks: a dead end. I sense the car not far away. Panicking, I take a right turn down another alley, running parallel to the sea. Glancing down, I notice pot-holes up the centre of the road. Crouched in each hole is a small, sleepy crocodile. I slide past each as quietly and quickly as possible. Hugging the side wall, I hope not to disturb the creatures, not daring to take my eyes off them. They snap at my heels as I pass - but stay in their holes.

(I have lost a nett of 27 words (197 to 170- about 13%) from your paragraph - but I hope I haven't changed the meaning?)

I am relieved to have {managed to get} [come] through unharmed [- though] {only to find there is no way out of the alley}[I seem to be in a dead-end]. Exhausted, tears of frustration streaming down my face, I stand there, bent forward, hands on {my} thighs, trying to get my breath back. I daren’t go back {down the alley} but {where can I go from here}[what can I do]? Then I realise that I’m at the back of a vaguely familiar pub (I often have that feeling!). I remember the heavy black door. I race over to it, pulling at the handle. {Thankfully} it is unlocked and opens easily. I slip inside[,] {and} trying to look as calm and casual as possible, [and] walk through to the bar. Perhaps I can hide here for a while, till it is safe to go back outside{.}[?] Maybe the car will give up and leave me alone{.}[?] I look around for a seat in a secluded corner to huddle into when the door opens. Cold air rushes into the room. I shiver as {I see} the driver and his companion walk through the door[,] {and} come[ing] towards me. There is nowhere to run.

(By using q-marks lat in this para we see the qs going through your mind)

Biggest fault: too many small words - especially "and"
Imagination: 10/10
Execution: Very good indeed. This wrapt me. I quite like monologues and, with extra pace and showing more your thinking / experience, this works very well. thanks for the read, Nina.

J.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi J

Thanks very much for the extensive crit, it was very helpful. I have a lot to learn about writing prose. Looking at your and Fran's suggestions, I have a lot of work to do on this piece to improve it which I will try to do perhaps at the weekend.

J>Biggest fault: too many small words - especially "and"

yes, I agree.  I'll have to work on it and try and remember for the next nightmare I try to put down on paper  :grinning:

>J>Imagination: 10/10

thanks

>J>Execution: Very good indeed. This wrapt me. I quite like monologues and, with extra pace and showing more your thinking / experience, this works very well

I think monologues are my favourite way of writing prose, though I do need to learn how to write from other POV and improve on dialogue.

Thanks

Nina

[Guest_Nina_*]

I have revised this now, using most of  James' suggestions and some of Fran's and I hope it reads better.

Nina

[Guest_Andrew_*]

Oooh, creepy, Nina.  Creepy.  I had a dream last night about having an overdue library book.  Honestly, I did.  Want to swap?

I'll be back in a bit with a 'proper' crit. :)

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Andrew

I had a dream last night about having an overdue library book.  Honestly, I did.  Want to swap?

LOL, I'll gladly do a swap with you.  I work in the library so don't have to worry about overdue books, much better than my nightmare.  Having said that I have had many dreams about books usually when I've had a busy day at work.

I'll be back in a bit with a 'proper' crit

OK thanks

Nina

[Guest_Andrew_*]

It's a crackingly reported dream, is this.  It must be easy for the sense of terror that you'd feel when you were actually experiencing this kind of thing to be lost in the transition onto 'paper', but that's certainly not the case here.  Genuinely frightening, and I'd love to see this as something longer.  I think Perry's quite right: what there is down there already, is excellent, but it necessarily suffers from the ending being "And then I woke up.  It was all a dream."  Have you thought about trying to dream up part 2?     Apparently, if you concentrate hard enough on what you want to dream about before you go to sleep (think about crocodiles, jagged teeth, leathery skin, slow moving, carnivous eye....), then there's a good chance that's just what'll happen.

Anyway, if that fails, I'd still like to see more.  It's fabulously rendered, and it really deserves a more substantial plotline being wrapped around it.

I notice the 'SPAG stuff' has been done in some detail already, so I've just got a few questions, really.

I am standing by the side of the road when a sleek black car ...

I don't know the answer to this, but ...
There are a fair few places where you have two adjectives before a noun (in this case sleek and black before car).  I wonder whether there should be a comma after sleek?

I wondered how the businessman was able to drive a car while having a fully grown crocodile on his lap.  I know.... it was a dream.  For the purposes of the story, perhaps the businessman could be in the passenger seat?  He's quite likely to have a chauffeur anyway, I guess.

Desperate to distance the car

Not a phrase I'm familiar with.  Since no one else has commented, I guess it's fine (I would have put "Desperate to distance myself from the car").

I notice pot-holes up the centre of the road.

I knew what you meant, but the idea of having pot holes running up the road jarred for me.  I'd be tempted to substitute 'up' for 'running along'

Anyway, good piece.  Thanks for the read.  :grinning:
Andrew.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Andrew

Thanks for returning and commenting on my story.

It's a crackingly reported dream, is this.  It must be easy for the sense of terror that you'd feel when you were actually experiencing this kind of thing to be lost in the transition onto 'paper', but that's certainly not the case here.  
thank you  :grinning:


Genuinely frightening, and I'd love to see this as something longer.  I think Perry's quite right: what there is down there already, is excellent, but it necessarily suffers from the ending being "And then I woke up.  It was all a dream."  Have you thought about trying to dream up part 2?  

I took note of Perry's comment and it is interesting that you feel the same.  Obviously from the title and the surreal presence of the crocodiles this is clearly a dream, however I'm a bit bemused as to how:

I shiver as the driver and his companion walk through the door, coming towards me. There is nowhere to run.

means and then I woke up.  It was all a dream.  Surely all it says is that the MC is cornered by the driver and his companion with no escape they have caught me.

I did consider continuing the story but felt in some ways it would be either an anti-climax or I'd end up murdering myself - a path I'm not sure I want to go down.

Apparently, if you concentrate hard enough on what you want to dream about before you go to sleep (think about crocodiles, jagged teeth, leathery skin, slow moving, carnivous eye....), then there's a good chance that's just what'll happen.

ooer I'm not sure I want to dream about it again.  I frightened myself awake last time LOL.

Anyway, if that fails, I'd still like to see more.  It's fabulously rendered, and it really deserves a more substantial plotline being wrapped around it.

my aim for this was really only to put down my dream on paper and part of me wants to keep it that way.  If I feel I can find a good enough plotline that doesn't come across as weak in comparison then I may continue the story.

Thanks for your comments and I'll give your other suggestions on wording some thought as well.

cheers

Nina