Love: A Moment in Time [Revised 04 Aug], A piece about timeless love Options

[Guest_princessdreams_*]

Before I post this, I just want to say that this all a learning curve for me. I don't write in any form because i don't know it well enough. Although saying that, I sometimes write in rhyme but I prefer free verse and I haven't been writing poetry that long so critiques would be greatly welcomed. Thank you.


This is my second edit. Thanks to all that helped with suggestions. I have taken them and used most of them! Cheers.


Love: A Moment in Time.


The half light
of a lowering sun
unveils claret lips,
strawberry stained,
glistening with promise.


Your breathe on my neck
elicits a shiver
guiding goosebumps
and I shake
as you evoke
forgotten feelings


Fingers trail a heated
path along my arm,
strong hands pull me down
onto sun blessed sands.
Heat makes me languid,
blessed by delirious desire.


Lips close my eyes
planting soft kisses
like seeds upon
sultry skin
while waves create an endless
cycle up the shore


This love is powerful,
more than Nature's beauty-
more endless than eternity,
more timeless than infinity.


This foundation built
with laughter and tears,
happiness and fears-
until death...
but even then
it is only a veil between us
until forever again.






1st Edit.


The half light of
the lowering sun
reveals blood red lips
strawberry stained
glistening with promise
Your breath raises the
hairs on my neck and
goosebumps
delicious,
and I shiver and shake
Fingers trail a heated
path along an arm
pulling me down upon
sands blessed by the sun
Lips close my eyes
planting kisses soft
like seeds upon my skin
as the waves make their
endless cycle up the shore
This love is more powerful
than Nature's beauty
more endless than eternity
more timeless than infinity
laughter and tears
happiness and fears
built upon a foundation
until death but even then
it is only a veil between us
until forever again




Original.



The half light of
the lowering sun
reveals blood red lips
strawberry stained,
glistening with promise.
Your breath raises the
hairs on my neck and
goosebumps,
delicious,
and I shiver and shake.
Fingers trail a heated
path along an arm,
pulling me down upon
sands blessed by the sun.
Lips close my eyes
planting kisses soft
like seeds upon my skin,
as the waves make their
endless cycle up the shore.
This love is more powerful
than Nature's beauty;
more endless than eternity,
more timeless than infinity.
Laughter and tears,
happiness and fears,
built upon a foundation
until death, but even then,
passing is only a veil between us
until forever again.

This post has been edited by Cleo_Serapis: Aug 4 07, 14:48

[Maggie]

Hi Princess,

I don't know why, but for some reason the one kissing the speaker sounds like a child. What did you intend?

I think the poem would be helped by standard punctuation. Without it, sentences seem to run together.

In the lines below, the correct pronoun is "there," not "it."

but even then
it is only a veil between us
until forever again

I like the idea of death being a veil! Very interesting!! Nice poem!!

Peggy

[Peterpan]

Before I post this, I just want to say that this all a learning curve for me. I don't write in any form because i don't know it well enough. Although saying that, I sometimes write in rhyme but I prefer free verse and I haven't been writing poetry that long so critiques would be greatly welcomed. Thank you.


The half light of
the lowering sun
reveals blood red lips
strawberry stained
glistening with promise
Your breath raises the
hairs on my neck and
goosebumps
delicious,
and I shiver and shake
Fingers trail a heated
path along an arm
pulling me down upon
sands blessed by the sun
Lips close my eyes
planting kisses soft
like seeds upon my skin
as the waves make their
endless cycle up the shore
This love is more powerful
than Nature's beauty
more endless than eternity
more timeless than infinity
laughter and tears
happiness and fears
built upon a foundation
until death but even then
it is only a veil between us
until forever again

As a 'mature reader' (not experienced poet)...I dont want to necessarily age myself...But, I loved the poem. It was me and my boyfriends when I was 16 years old, on the beach at holiday time...Thanks for reminding me. The funny thing is that I see some of the boys I kissed and they have kids and I have kids and we are all married to different partners and...well life goes on...after teenage romances...isnt life strange? hee hee. In the short and tall, even I can relate to your poem. Loved every word.

especially these:

more endless than eternity
more timeless than infinity
laughter and tears
happiness and fears

thanks for posting

PP

[Guest_princessdreams_*]

Thank you both for your comments. Peggy, I didn't intend for it to sound like a child no but that's an interesting angle. You're right about the punctuation. It would improve it. Thank you.

Peterpan, I'm glad that the words inspired nostalgia in you. Yes, I understand exactly what you mean. After the heady stuff of being a teenager in love, life sometimes seems quite boring!

Thanks again and I look forward to reading some of your work too.

[Peterpan]

Hi ~

I was not negating your emotions, or your age. Please forgive my comments if you thought them critical. I really enjoyed your poem, and it is significant, now and then. I will be back with more comments.

Sincerely~

PP

[Thoth]

Hi Theresa,
I loved this , especially the last few lines. Shame on you PP, "Love is as perennial as the grass" I had forgotten my teenage years until recently, but now I fully agree that "love like youth, is wasted on the young" yes, evocative!
Nit wise, I agree about the punctuation but to me the rest is super!
Hugs, Wally

[Guest_princessdreams_*]

Hi PP, I didn't find your words critical at all. Far from it and I'm glad you liked it!

Wally, thanks for your comments. I'm going to edit it soon, the poem, not your comments! I'll take on board all your suggestions.

[Orion]

Hello Theresa,

Aw, first love feelings!

First of all, I really enjoyed your poem, which to me embraces many intense feelings known to us during 'those first times' with love. Yes, we do remember those times with sheer excitement. I've played with your poem with some shifts in thought. I hope you realize these are ideas only, not directions for change. Those decisions are strictly yours. I just wanted to play with reworks for a few new thoughts as you possibly think of redirections for this poem. Like I said earlier, I really enjoyed your poem. Edit options belong to you.

Let's look at this:

The half light of
lowering sun beams
reveals blood-red lips,
strawberry-stained,
glistening promises.

Your breath raises
hairs on my neck,
guiding goosebumps,
all delicious.

I shiver and shake;
fingers trace
a heated path
along an arm,
pull me down
upon sultry sands
blessed by delirious desire.

Lips ever-close,
eyes close, too,
kisses plant, soft, anew,
seeds upon skin
as waves make their
endless cycle up shore.

This love,
more powerful
than Nature's beauty,
more endless than eternity,
more timeless than infinity,
reigns.

This love,
driven by
laughter and tears,
happiness and fears,
is built upon a foundation
until finality, until death -
even then is only a veil
between us again
reigning forever full.

~~~~

Again, I just played & enjoyed tossing a few ideas. Use or simply lose.
Take care.
Jan

[Peterpan]

Hi, not concentrated on Jan's comments. I will tomorrow.They looked good and supporting. I have no doubt they were constructive.

PP

PS How great to be in the same time margin? hee hee, Bev

[Guest_princessdreams_*]

Hey, thanks for that Jan! The revised version is a definite improvement and I will take on board your changes and decide what to use. I especially liked the second verses, 'guiding goosebumps' is a much better line.

Thanks for the suggestions..

[Orion]

Hello there, PD,

You must know that I love your poem. Please note that what I suggested was merely that: suggestions. I had a fun time editing & playing with your poem in that manner. Usually I shy away from telling any writer what to do. I hope you feel confident with your decisions regarding any changes. Your poem stands strongly in many areas. I just gave it a "word cut", sort of like hairdressers give haircuts.

Feel good about your work here. It's got a lot going for it.
Regards,
Jan

[JustDaniel]

Just a note:

It's less confusing (for those of us prone to confusion) to place the REVISION above the ORIGINAL, so that it's easy to see what you're wanting comment on NOW. Just a suggestion for uniformity sake ?

Thanks so much... and welcome aboard. I'll be back; I just used up my pre-work time figggerin' out which was which... sorry!

Lightly for now, Daniel

[Neo]

Most of this is cliche and maudlin. May I suggest some advice for better writing? The concepts to which you wrote have been written so much, and it's time for change, time to think outside the box. When we write poems, we find our thoughts and feelings and write them down, but because we all share life and being human, most of it has been written about. The whole point of poetry is to be new and refreshing, otherwise you are just unknowingly copying ideas from another poet.

About the concept of timeless love is untrue. Truth is timeless, but love is conditioned to time, it's a passing emotion, whereas, truth well be around, and when it's found, it will be waiting.

Neo

[Guest_princessdreams_*]

Thanks for being honest Neo. I agree that its important to try and be original especially when a subject like love is written about. I think though that I was aiming more for that point in time; two people on the beach, heat, love, combining to bring about an atmosphere of those feelings. I will, however take your points on board. My revision will be posted soon. Thank you.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Neo.


Welcome to MM, I hope Theresa doesn't mind my query to you in her thread...

I can't help but wonder if you are a member we already know? Your commentary has a familiar ring to it?

Here at MM, we ask that when a member has commentary to offer, that they consider offering ideas that will help the author improve through the workshopping process. Something as simple as relating the title to the content is one approach. Does the message of the work make sense, and does the imagery fit the message?

Do you have some specific ideas to offer with regard to the content/message of her poem without coming off as so insensitive?

~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hi Theresa,


Although I might agree with some of Newbie Neo has mentioned, I do think it could be said a lot friendlier and with more helpful direction. As I said, 'some' and not all. Yes, everything, especially about love and the such has been done and over done. However, that is not to say we shouldn't write about these things anymore, but rather try to find a new way to say it. I think your poem has many fresh images and ideas that give it a good foundation and offers great potential to shape into something unique.

I read your formention of free verse and wanted to first offer some tips to consider when writing a free verse poem. Remember, these are just my own guides I use when writing and that doesn't make them 'the right way' to write, but might help to enhance some of your wonderful images.

1. Try to avoid ending lines on words such as 'the, and, of,' Keep an eye on strong words to end your lines on.
2. The use of sounds and blending and bouncing sounds off of one another gives a pleasing experience to the reader.
3. When using a word that you might feel has been over-used in a theme, make good use of our best friend, the Thesuraus!
4. Use of punctuation helps to lead the reader through the poem. Offering intentional pauses that allow the reader to get the 'feeling' the narrator is conveying.
5. Stanzas help to give some time to the reader to contemplate and take in the images and ideas the poet is expressing.

Keeping these things in mind, I would like to go through your poem with you and use examples of where you might put some extra consideration for revision. I do like the story it tells. What I liked most about it was it edges toward sensual, but doesn't cross the line, keeping the reader on the edge of the emotional value. I think you really did well to teeter totter between the two.

Forever

Although the title isn't bad. It can be something more - Something that reveals a detail about the lovers that is not included in the poem perhaps... Or perhaps, a time that this occured - or the information of where or why they will return to forever. Perhaps giving some thought to the lovers and the moment - Was this time on the beach a chance meeting? or a discreet getaway? You see what I mean... use those little hidden, honest thoughts that hide from the readers view to create an extension of your title.

The half light of
the lowering sun
reveals blood red lips
strawberry stained
glistening with promise

These first few lines I would suggest it becoming your first stanza. In L1, the image of 'The half light' to me is a strong opening image and if you bring down 'of' to L2, it gives the reader that immediate sense of intensity in this image of a half light, then opens the view a little wider come L2. Perhaps substituting 'the' in L2 with a lowering sun-

L3, Blood red lips, is a bit cliche' and here's where a poet's best friend the Thesaurus comes in handy. Some alternatives you might consider could be -

• claret
• roseate
• blood thick lips

Or you might want to pull up 'strawberry stained' and omit the blood red.

Reveals to me is weak. perhaps - something that enhances the idea of the lips, like as whispered secrets might come from lips ... thinking along these lines, maybe divulge or unveals ...

An example of what it might look like -

The half light
of a lowering sun
unveals claret lips,
strawberry stained,
glistening with promise.

I made use of claret in my example because I love the idea of deep red wine being implied but not stated and to my own mind, enhances the strawberry stained image.

Your breath raises the
hairs on my neck and
goosebumps
delicious,
and I shiver and shake

The next lines, I might suggest you reconsider putting both hairs raising on the neck along with goosebumps, and the word delicious seems awkward here, as it seems to say that the goosebumps are delicious - perhaps delightful, but delicious seems something more fitting with the kiss - the taste of love ...

Perhaps ...

Your breath against my neck
arouses a shiver
of goosebumps and shake.

Fingers trail a heated
path along an arm
pulling me down upon
sands blessed by the sun

I like the sensuality that this conveys, however I do believe it can be enhanced with some more clarity.

Fingers trail a heated
path along my arm -
strong hands pull me down
onto sun blessed sands.

Lips close my eyes
planting kisses soft
like seeds upon my skin
as the waves make their
endless cycle up the shore

Again, this image is very nice, but could use some weeding out of unnecessary words... Perhaps considering condensing the image to a tighter, yet striking image.

lips purse against closed
lids, planting soft kisses,
like seeds upon sultry skin,
while waves create an endless
cycle up shore.

This love is more powerful
than Nature's beauty
more endless than eternity
more timeless than infinity

I think the word 'more' before powerful isn't necessary... I thought "This love is powerful' adds a bit of a commanding statement, defining the intensity in the narrators belief in it, more as matter of fact, gives it a stronger punch.

Perhaps ...

This love is powerful,
more than Nature's beauty-
more endless that eternity,
more timeless than infinity.

laughter and tears
happiness and fears
built upon a foundation
until death but even then
it is only a veil between us
until forever again

This ending can be improved - The list of laughter/tears/happiness/fears might do well as ...

A foundation built
in blends of laughter and tears,
happiness and fears -
until death ...
even then
it is only a veil between us
until forever again.


I hope something I left helps! Either way, I did enjoy the loveliness of the poem and soft voice it offers.


Best Wishes, Liz

[Guest_princessdreams_*]

Thank you Liz for taking the time to go through my poem. I have taken into consideration all the suggestions offered to me in this thread and will be posting a revised version this afternoon.

I'd just like to say that I have learnt a lot so far and some really great ideas have been provided and good constructive critiques.

Neo, I have to agree with Lori. While I respect your opinion, I do feel that you could have worded it in a slightly friendlier way. My poetry will never set the world alight but with constructive help, it could be improved. Thank you.

[Terocon101]

Hi Princess

I certainly hope you are not put-off by those crass comments. In my short time here, that is the first time I have witnessed such a blunt and cold-hearted reply. The hypocrisy and irony is that that particular reply was clinched and unoriginal in itself

Your writing in prose and poetry is more than promising for a beginner, in my humble opinion. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

On your poem:

The half light of
the lowering sun
reveals blood red lips
strawberry stained
glistening with promise(.)
Your breath raises the
hairs on my neck and
goosebumps
delicious,
and I shiver and shake(.)
Fingers trail a heated
path along an arm
pulling me down upon
sands blessed by the sun(.)
Lips close my eyes(,)
planting kisses soft(,)
like seeds upon my skin
as the waves make their
endless cycle up the shore(.)
This love is more powerful
than Nature's beauty(,) lol, I'm guessing your using capital on nature to personify god, this is quite a controversial line and I love it.
more endless than eternity(...)
more timeless than infinity(...)
laughter and tears(,)
happiness and fears(,)
built upon a foundation
until death(,)but even then
it is only a veil between us
until forever again Nice ending

Some punctuation would accentuate certain parts of your poem and make the reader pause and consider what being said. It also whould help with the pace of your poem, which, given the theme, is quite important.

Hope that was useful to you. Much enjoyed and I look forward to more from you.

Terry

[Guest_princessdreams_*]

Thanks Terry for your suggestions and the time you spent on the critique. Much appreciated. I have just posted the 2nd edit and I hope its improved!.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Theresa,

Back to look over your edits. You've made great strides with this, especially the title. Love: A moment in Time is a lot stronger than Forever. It gives us the information that this unexpected lover's experience was a fateful moment, that is stilled in that moment, but only for that moment. I think that is powerful.


Some thoughts on the revised draft...

Best Regards, Liz

Love: A Moment in Time.


The half light
of a lowering sun
unveils claret lips,
strawberry stained,
glistening with promise.

I do like that detailed image. Nice opening.

Your breathe on my neck
elicits a shiver
guiding goosebumps
and I shake
as you evoke
forgotten feelings

Perhaps in L1, Your breath against my neck (for sonics value and the word against adds a more active image.) I loved your use of elicits, the blending of sound with shiver/guiding is wonderful. It then seems to bounce nicely with the alliterative value of evoke. Good choice words. Also another good addition is 'forgotten feelings' adding some more indepth information to the reader about the ssubject/ narrator.

Fingers trail a heated
path along my arm,
strong hands pull me down
onto sun blessed sands.
Heat makes me languid,
blessed by delirious desire.

As I read the ease of this stanza, I was reconsidering 'pull' and perhaps you might consider draws me down, adding to the gentleness of the image as a whole; while also adding some inner rhyme.
The repeat of heat and 'blessed so close here seems redundant. Perhaps ...
its warmth makes me languid,
baptized in delirious desire. (maybe?)

Lips close my eyes
planting soft kisses
like seeds upon
sultry skin
while waves create an endless
cycle up the shore

Perhaps ... Lips close my lids/planting soft kisses/like seeds / upon sultry skin/...

This love is powerful,
more than Nature's beauty-
more endless than eternity,
more timeless than infinity.

I really do think this is a strong turn toward the twist in the ending.

This foundation built
with laughter and tears,
happiness and fears-
until death...
but even then
it is only a veil between us
until forever again.

Great Ending.

Best Regards, Liz