Ugh?, Wizard and Crown Jewels Award Winner Options

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

An idle daydream that came to me yesterday.

Crown Jewels Award

Celtic Castle Designs


*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs


UGH?

I have a confession to make: I'm a competition winner. I won the acclaimed Buckingham Lakes Short Fiction Competition last year.

I was a little surprised at the result, as well-established writers normally win it. However, I took a scientific approach to the competition, carefully studying the rules and criteria for submissions. My analysis revealed that the key word in 'short fiction' is 'short'. So, taking it to its logical conclusion, I submitted my one-word entry, the word being 'Ugh?'.  Two of the three judges were immediately impressed. "Great command of dialogue," said one. "Marvellous characterisation," said another.

The third judge was a shade more reticent. "Perhaps a little more attention could have been paid to plotting," he said. Maybe, but I still won.

With the prize money I bought a new computer, a copy of the Shorter Oxford, and some new ear buds for my Walkman.

When I saw the Manning Plains Poetry Competition advertised, it occurred to me that my prose composition lent itself readily to adaptation as a poem. After all, isn't poetry about expressing something profound with absolute brevity? However, I was faced with a dilemma: should 'Ugh?' be entered as a fixed form or free verse work? After some thought, I decided to enter it in both categories and (you guessed it) it won them both.

The combined prize money was less than that of the prose competition but it was sufficient for me to buy a DVD player and a copy of a good thesaurus.

I was pleasantly surprised – I must admit to some understatement here – when I received a call a few weeks later from a Hollywood producer with a string of box office successes to his name. Our confidentiality agreement precludes my revealing who he is, but if I were to mention 'Indiana somebody' or 'Jurassic something'…well, I'm sure you'll get my drift. Anyway, he'd heard of my multi-award-winning piece and wondered if I would be interested in selling the film rights. He was phoning from Los Angeles Airport and would "just happen" to be in Australia the next day.

I suppose I could have held back. An auction with each studio outbidding the other was certainly an attractive prospect, but I'm a down-to-earth sort of bloke with modest ambitions and I agreed to proceed with said Hollywood producer. His only condition was that I wrote the screenplay, to which I readily agreed.

So here I sit in my spacious office in the well-known studios that I can't mention, pondering an appropriate Hollywood ending to 'Ugh?'.

I'm stumped for the moment, as the outcome depends on whether Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp plays the lead (they've both been approached and have offered to perform at union rates if that's what it takes to get the nod). On the other hand, I can't help feeling the role is better suited to a strong female actor, preferably with an Aussie accent. Now, where did I put Nicole's number?

Perry

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Perry,

Most amusing!

Just a few points...

a comma before "but" is not usually necessary ("prospect, but"). May be a typo.

Secondly, you didn't say what form "Ugh?" was entered as in the poetry (form) competition. Makes the haiku look profligate with words.

Thirdly, who did produce those films? Same person? I didn't twig who you meant. (Seen about ten minutes of each and gave up on both, so I obviously don't like their films). (Oh yes and, sorry, Nicole ??) I think we can blame my sheer hate of 99%++ of films and ignorance of celebs for this puzzlement - not your poem. I should think many other people know the answers... do they?) NB I have actually heard of Bradd Pitt - he's mentioned in a Shinia Twain song - but Johnny Depp??? Is that a real name? I could go Googling but it looks like I'd have vast amounts to look up and, aside from your poem, it's of no matter.

Fourthly, No radio version or magazine serialisation? (Week one: U; Week Two g etc).

Well done, James.

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Thanks for your comments, James.

a comma before "but" is not usually necessary ("prospect, but"). May be a typo.

No, it was deliberate. I use commas before connectives when I'm not hurrying the pace.

Secondly, you didn't say what form "Ugh?" was entered as in the poetry (form) competition. Makes the haiku look profligate with words.

True. I assumed just the two types of poetry. This reflects my ignorance of these comps...and haikus.

Thirdly, who did produce those films? Same person? I didn't twig who you meant. (Seen about ten minutes of each and gave up on both, so I obviously don't like their films). (Oh yes and, sorry, Nicole ??) I think we can blame my sheer hate of 99%++ of films and ignorance of celebs for this puzzlement - not your poem. I should think many other people know the answers... do they?) NB I have actually heard of Bradd Pitt - he's mentioned in a Shinia Twain song - but Johnny Depp??? Is that a real name? I could go Googling but it looks like I'd have vast amounts to look up and, aside from your poem, it's of no matter.

What can I say, James? To be unaware of Johnny Depp and only marginally cognisant of Brad Pitt suggests a hermit-like existence, but I can reveal that they are highly paid and highly fanciable (according to my female family members) Hollywood actors. Nicole is Nicole Kidman, a well-known actress and Australian.

The producer is Steven Spielberg, now one of the wealthiest filmmakers in the world. He has produced and/or directed ET, Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones, Gremlins, The Color Purple, Empire of the Sun, Back to the Future, Jurassic Park, Schindler's List, Saving Private Ryan, Shrek, and on and on.

Clearly, you could not truly have appreciated how I must have felt when I got his breathless call from LA. Ah well, c'est la vie.

Fourthly, No radio version or magazine serialisation? (Week one: U; Week Two g etc).

After the call from Stevie baby...

Thanks again.
Perry

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Perry,

If only!

This had me chuckling: well carried. Your very measured prose works so very well for this humour, and I like the details (ear buds for the walkman, and then a thesaurus, lol! ) which bring it to life.

There is so much more you could do with this, too, but you have carefully kept it tightly controlled. I know you don't like abstract art, but I could imagine some very trendy artist producing some installation 'inspired by' the story. And what about all the copy-cat stories to follow? Would the narrator need to sue the author of 'Ugh!' for plagiarism? Would it be popular on the school syllabus?

James, I think the 'names' are very well known indeed (well, even I've heard of them) and for a current story they are fine, very much adding to the feel. (Nicole Kidman used to be married to Tom Cruise. Don't fancy Brad Pitt, meself, but Johnny Depp is kinda cute.) Perhaps in twenty years time they will be forgotten (although I somehow doubt Spielberg will be) but by then Perry will - like all of us - be a famous author and his story will be researched and annotated with footnotes.

A super - succinct - read.

Fran

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Thanks, Fran, for those encouraging remarks. But what are we going to do about James?  :)

Perry

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Well, I don't think not liking popular culture is a criminal offence (yet) so unless you are planning to pop over on your private jet to drag him to the cinema (an interesting tustle: might be worth a script in itself since the pair of you could easily argue all four legs and the tail off an entire flock of donkeys), I suggest we leave him in peace.

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Spoilsport!

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Perry

This was a very entertaining read, just the right length to keep it interesting.  It does take minimalism in to another level.

I'd go with Jonny Deppe for the screenplay.  He is far cuter than Brad Pitt.

Nina

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Thanks, Nina. (I'll give Mr Depp a call in the morning.)

Perry

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Perry, Fran, Nina, et al...

Perry thanks for your kind and helpful reply. I hope you tie-up the serialisation deal soon.

Spelberg - yes I have heard of him! And some of the films you mention (though I could not have said which he produced, except ET I seem to remember and Schindler's Ark (List). I've tried to watch some of those films but not lasted longer than 5-10 mins with any, I'm afraid. (Still it's better than my Disney-tolerance record!). "The Colour Purple" was on my school's 'A' Level study list, so I tried to read it so that I could discuss it with my VI Form classes (in Economics but we oft digressed) - couldn't hack the book either I'm afraid.

Kidman - I have heard of her as a film star, sure I have. Probably assumed she was American, sorry. I shall now think of her in the same light as Rolf Harris-Boomerang (his career keeps coming back) and Dame Barry Humpheries.

Hermit-like existence - you mean I'm crabby? Or are you saying that I side-step issues?

I do a little, I suppose. Never watch tv soaps, reality shows or anything with "Celebrity" in the title - even the quiz "Mastermind" - usually reasonable dips with Celeb editions. Actually, I do sometimes see that and Celebrity Who Wants To Be A Millionaire." creeps through too. I use a radio and tv schedule software - not one of those paper magazines - and I can highlight progs to listen / watch - and put a red cross against those not to consider. So I can filter whole groups easily.

Take a look at Haikus in Karnak’s (MM - Poetry) - they are wonderful little critters. Nothing against Mrs Depp Pitt (is that right?) but I think you’d enjoy haikus more. No? oh well...

Fran thanks for your kind support. (As Alan says, “I’m wearing it now.”) I go to the cinema every 2-3 years to see the new Bond film usually. However, the reports said the last one was  very noisy so we waited for the DVD. Wonderful! All that circular, gleaming silverised-plastic. Most enjoyable.

Tom Cruise, I have heard of (though didn’t know that he had a wife, who is Kidman, who is Aussie. I’ve seen Top Gun and I know he was playing Michael Parkinson in “Interview With A Vampyr,” - see, I know some films. (Hey I do watch Parkie and he interviews Celebs - but I do pick which show to watch, depending on the guests. Though if he had no guests, I’d always watch... the questions are brilliant; the replies often less so).

(Parkinson - UK tv chat show top man and Aussie-ophile).

I’ll drink Perry to the pear of you being remembered in a couple of decades.

“Ugh” would be popular on the school curriculum - especially the underground versions which would be sure to follow. (GHU - very violent and HUG - very sexy)

Flock of Donkeys - has to be a poem in that! Brill phrase!

emm... Bradd Pitt is cute and Johnny Depp cuter? What is wrong with Sir Winston Churchill? All these trivial film stars!

Good luck with the serialisation, Perry.

Uniform Unicorns Usually Undo Umbrellas
Ghastly Ghosts Grab Gremlins’ Goolies
Hectoring Humourless Haikus Helen Held

There you are - loads more ideas...  you can make a new film for each star and still have enough letters remaining to serialise corn flakes.

All the best (have to go now, the men have come for me - removing me to a place of cinema). James.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,

I love the way you can somehow mention Nicole Kidman and Dame Barry in the same breath.

Sorry, but had to read Sir Winston's memoirs for 'O' level English and it put me off him for life - not in the least sexy.

>>I’ll drink Perry to the pear of you being remembered in a couple of decades.

ROFL! Grew up not far form the 'Babycham' factory. (For those that don't know, Perry is fermented pears, in the same way that cider is fermented apples.)

>>Hermit-like existence - you mean I'm crabby? Or are you saying that I side-step issues?



Perry, apologies for leaping in on your thread. Can't think why ... I'm not the talkative argumentative type.

Cheers,
Fran

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Fran, you're welcome to leap into my threads anytime (no pun intended).

James, Australia's disowned Rolf Harris, and Kylie's not far behind (again, no pun intended).

Perry

[Guest_Jox_*]

Perry!

They're your biggest exports.

And my local cricket team have even given Shane Warne a home - he's our Captain at present.

So would you please take Kylie back???

James.

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

James

So would you please take Kylie back???

Only if we can return Max Bygraves and Warren Mitchell.

Perry

[Guest_Jox_*]

Ah! You have me there!

OK, quits!

James.

[Siren]

Hello Perry,

Commendable title. One goes "hmmm... wonder what this "Ugh?" is all about?" :)

I enjoyed the read and your style is refreshing.

Enjoyable read.
Daniah

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Thanks, Daniah. Your comments are appreciated.

Perry

[Aggiel]

Perry,

This is quite an amusing and enjoyable piece of work. Just the tilte itself will make you wonder what it is all about.

I think you have put across effectively with no awkwardness anywhere too.

But I may have missed some of the humour because of the few unfamiliar names and details .

Best wishes



Aggiel

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Thank you, Aggiel. I can't claim to be that knowledgeable about the film industry and I just assumed the names would be more familiar. I'm glad you enjoyed it nevertheless.

Perry

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello!

Just a quick note to say I have printed this one out to read during vacation.

Hope to be abck with comments real soon...

:)