My Spring- Revised, Times Ten Challenge for March 20/ 2010 Options

[Siren]

Revised... TY Larry, Sylvia, and Steve

I see Spring in his eyes;
an amber sheen
misted by frames
of a rocky future
persuaded forward.

I tread his meadows'
undulating slopes,
watch lush greens
turn soft pastel,
then gather its harvest
with my embrace.

His road is traversed
where dreams and desires
flounder between shared
giggles and tears.

Uncertainty is written,
etched on his forehead,
and I reach deeply into
wisdom and serve it up to him.

He is Spring
tearfully gazing
into the Winter of my eyes.



Orinigal

I see spring in his eyes;
an amber sheen
misted by frames
of a rocky future
he persuades forward.

I tread his meadows'
uneven slopes,
watch its lush greens
turn pastel,
then tie its hay
with my embrace.

His road traverses;
where dreams and desires
flounder between shared
giggles and tears.

Uncertainty is written;
scribbled on his forehead,
and I reach deep into
wisdom and serve it up to him.

He is the spring
that tearfully stares
into the winter of my eyes.




Words used.
sheen- pastel- mist- written- road- traverse- meadow- giggle- spring- amber

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Dani, Awe this was just beautiful, even if it did make me shed a tear or two. It feels very warm and close and as if you opened your heart to give us a peak. Lovely lines and lovely words. A nit or two.

His road is traverse;
where dreams and desires
flounder between shared
giggles and tears.

Shouldn't it be
His road traverses
between dreams and desires
they flounder in shared
giggles and tears. Just my two cents

Very well done.

Steve

[Siren]

Hey Steve,

Thanks for the input. It was a pretty silly mistake but in my defence I wrote this after 4 a.m.

I made the change.

Dani

[Larry]

Hi Dani,

I got the email from you forwarded by Lori. Since the Challenge Forums are not for crits, I'm glad to see you posted "My Spring" in Seren's. I see that Steve saw the "traverse" mistake and you corrected it per his suggestion. Well, since you asked for my insight, I have a few suggestions which you may take or toss as you please.

S1/L1: Capitalize Spring
S1/L5: Delete "he has to" and use "persuaded forward." for L5

I see Spring in his eyes;
an amber sheen
misted by frames
of a rocky future
persuaded forward.

S2L2: Sub "undulant" for "uneven".
S2L4: Sub "transform into soft" for "turn".
S2L5: Sub "harvest" for "hay".

I tread his meadows'
undulant slopes,
watch its lush greens
transform into soft pastel,
then tie its harvest
with my embrace.

S3L1: Use "traversed"

His road is traversed;
where dreams and desires
flounder between shared
giggles and tears.

S4L2: "Scribbled" denotes messy, illegible and generally untidy writing. Try "etched" instead.
S4L3: Add "ly" to deep (deeply)
S4L4: "serve it up" sounds like something a waitress would do in a "Greasy Spoon" establishment.
Would you consider using "minister" in its place?

Uncertainty is written;
etched on his forehead,
and I reach deeply into
wisdom and minister to him.

S5L1: Capitalize Spring once more.
S5L2: Sub "melts" for "stares"
S5L3: Delete "into", Capitalize "Winter" and Sub "soul" for "eyes"

He is the Spring
that tearfully melts
the Winter of my soul.

I know that all this is a bit much to take in but it's the best suggestions that came to me after numerous reads. Hope I didn't offend.

Larry

[Psyche]

Dear Dani,
This is a lovely, rather sad poem. You have great imagery here, as well as original analogy between a lover and Spring. That's the way I understand it, correct me if I'm wrong!

May I make a few suggestions to T or T?
Very few, some to do with punctuation as well.

I see spring in his eyes;<<<<<<< capitalize Spring in this case, otherwise it's like a verb. Maybe a colon at the end of this line.

an amber sheen <<<<<<< lovely!
misted by frames
of a rocky future
he persuades forward. <<<<<< I'm not sure I understand L5

Maybe:

I see Spring in his eyes:
an amber sheen
framed by the mist
of a rocky future
impelled forward.

Just trying to understand! Stupid me...



I tread his meadows'
uneven slopes, <<<<<<<< I like Larry's 'undulant', or maybe 'undulating'

watch its lush greens
turn pastel,
then tie its hay <<<<<< then gather its harvest
with my embrace.

His road traverses; <<<<<<<< you don't need the semi-colon here.
where dreams and desires
flounder between shared
giggles and tears.

Uncertainty is written; <<<<<<<<< I think a comma would be better here.

scribbled on his forehead, <<<<<<< 'etched' is good.
and I reach deep into
wisdom and serve it up to him.

The above S is intriguing, I like it!

He is [the] spring <<<<<<< Capitalize Spring and perhaps remove 'the'?

[that] tearfully stares <<<<<<< tearfully gazing?
into the winter of my eyes.

He is Spring
tearfully gazing
into the Winter of my eyes.

Such a melancholy finale! Truly a delicately woven poem.
Please toss out my suggestions at will!

BTW, remember that once in the forums, you don't have to follow the challenge's rules.

Hugs, Syl***



Words used.
sheen- pastel- mist- written- road- traverse- meadow- giggle- spring- amber

[Siren]

Hey Larry,

Your help is valued. I did feel a bit off around this and the mistakes were silly but my excuse is the complicated surgery my son underwent this past wednesday.

Thank you so much and I hope you check in on the revision.

Smiling
Dani

[Siren]

Hey Sylvie honey,

Thanks so much for the help and the insight. I revised it per all your suggestions and what worked for me and I hope you check on the revised version.

First off, the poem is written for my son who is struggling with his university studies and is pushing himself forward. He underwent a complicated knee surgery and this was written in the eve of that day.


I used "persuaded" in L5 to identify one charateristic of a procrastinator.

Thanks so much for the help

Dani