To Rainy, a pantoum Options

[Cyn]

For Rainy

Died in my arms, born to my hands,
those are the words I’ve come to know.
Your head lies heavy in my hands.
It’s time, I know, to let you go.

Those are the words I’ve come to know.
Please leave, I pray, don’t stay for me,
it’s time, I know, to let you go,
please leave me now, go peacefully.

Please leave, I pray, don’t stay for me,
your suffering deserves to end.
please leave me now, go peacefully.
my shadow, my dog … constant friend.

Your suffering deserves to end;
your head lies heavy in my hands.
My shadow, my dog … constant friend,
died in my arms, born to my hands.

© Cynthia Neely


original
To Rainy

Died in my arms, born to my hands,
those are the words I’ve come to know.
Your head lies heavy in my hands.
It’s time, I know, to let you go.

Those are the words I’ve come to know.
Please leave, I pray, don’t stay for me,
it’s time, I know, to let you go,
would that you go, now, easily.

Please leave, I pray, don’t stay for me,
your pain deserves to see an end.
Would that you go now, easily
my shadow, my dog…constant friend.

Your pain deserves to see an end,
your head lies heavy in my hands.
My shadow, my dog, constant friend,
died in my arms, born to my hands.

© Cynthia Neely

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cyn

A well constructed pantoum and a very sad poem.  You must miss your dog a lot.

Nina

[Cybele]

Hi Cyn,

A very touching story of the life and death of your best friend. I thought the first line very telling.

Died in my arms, born to my hands

[Cyn]

I raise dogs, but Rainy was one in a million. Not only was he an American, Canadian and International Champion he was MY dog, and he never let me forget it. I miss him every day. Every scuff mark on the wall and claw mark in the door reminds me of him. He died almost 3 years ago.
The Rainbow bridge story is well known, but so too are the words born into my hands and died in my arms, and these words are what I based the Pantoum on. And he was born into my hands and he did die in my arms. It is never easy to let them go.
Cyn

[Merlin]

Hi Cynthia,

I enjoyed your using the pantoum, even on a subject that tugs the heart.

Kids and dogs have generally always flocked around me - that's some sort of endorsement.  I was touched.

Merlin

[JustDaniel]

I've already offered my crit of this, Cyn...

so let me here merely offer my condolences.  You've spread your tears through out this piece with a wonderful possessive pride.  Strange that this is the kind of activity that allows us to let go!

deLightin' in your writin', Daniel  :sun:

[Cyn]

You are exactly "write" daniel

[Siren]

Hello Cynthia,

This form, I know, takes some effort to make it work and read smoothly. You have accomplished that and gave us, your readers, the bonus of feeling your loss, too.

A sad pantoum, but very well written.

Dani

[Cyn]

Thanks Dani and everyone. This is a tough one for ME to read. I cry every time.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Cyn good pantoum, on such a sad subject , I hshall have to try harder to write one now....
Steve

[AMETHYST]

Hello Cyn,

First let me commend your use of the form. I have only 2 completed Pantoums, both of which are not nearly as strong and well written as this. It isn't an easy form to accomplish but when it does come all together, it is something to be quite proud of.

The subject and the grief is probably what led the words to such a successful completion. It is ironic, our love for our pets. My dog Pal was almost 22 years old when we had to put him to sleep. Since then, I have lost my mother, my father, my aunt of which I was very close, my first and forever love and soulmate, as well as recently my god daughter and my grandaughters father. Yet, I still cannot think of Pal without rying hysterically and heeving such deep sobs from so deep down in my heart missing him, and truly feeling the full concept of mourning him. He was, as you versed, my constant friend.

Well in hopes of a valuable critique, let me leave some thoughts for your consideration...

Wishing you the best, Liz

To Rainy

Died in my arms, born to my hands,
those are the words I’ve come to know.
Your head lies heavy in my hands.
It’s time, I know, to let you go.

The word 'to' is so powerful that it makes the line break into the readers mind. It makes every difference and I wanted to compliment you on such a choice! Good word working!
This stanza is quite powerful. Each line reveals the depth of grief and leaves the reader imagining and/or relating to their own losses, be them family members. L1, immediately brought to mind a child. And not until S3 does the change come through which again, I thought was absolutely powerful. I also felt the sonics sprinkled about adds a pleasant experience read aloud.

Those are the words I’ve come to know.
Please leave, I pray, don’t stay for me,
it’s time, I know, to let you go,
would that you go, now, easily.

L4, is the only nit I felt could use a little more attention. I like what it is saying, but feel there is a much better way to say it. Much of the line felt meter driven. Perhaps...

it's time, I know, to let you go,
Proceed to leave here peacefully,
would you depart, now easily
escape the pains, lie peacefully

These are only thoughts...


Please leave, I pray, don’t stay for me,
your pain deserves to see an end.
Would that you go now, easily
my shadow, my dog…constant friend.

If you choose to go with "Proceed to leave now peacefully" or anything that will repeat leave from the first line, that can be easily avoided...

Depart, I pray, don't stay for me,
your suffering deserves an end.
Proceed to leave here peacefully,
my shadow, my dog...constant friend.


Your pain deserves to see an end,
your head lies heavy in my hands.
My shadow, my dog, constant friend,
died in my arms, born to my hands.

Would suggest for L1,
your suffereing deserves an end.

[Cyn]

Thanks for your critique Liz
There are afew things you said which have sparked some changes, posted above. I actually really like how I have repeated leave in the current version, as I was pleading for just that.
Cyn

[Guest_poeticpiers_*]

A well chosen form to reflect on your loss and loneliness .M' lady The pantoum to me seems supremely suitable to express sadness.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cyn.

What a touching piece!  :wolf:

This form truly does fit well with your message. No nits, only admiration.

Well done!
~Cleo  :pharoah2

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Cyn,

An excellently written pantoum for an attaboy.

First line piqued my curiousity, which demonstated it to be a good grabber beginning.  The remainder filled in the blanks.

The haunting aspects of this subject are ideal for pantoum format.

I've yet to find something haunting enough to write a successful pantoum.

Don

[Cyn]

Thanks for your words Don. I still miss him  :(