 Winnie the Pooh and Christopher Too ~ Revised 5/24/08 TY Everyone, Wizard Award ~ Spensarian Stanza |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Nov 19 07, 09:12
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#1
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter  |
 ~~~~~~~~Fourth Revision~~TY Lori and Snow~~~~ Winnie The Pooh's View ... The years went by so fast. I wonder could it be...you truly have forgotten me? They sold off every acre of the wood from where the Woozles weren't to my tree, then Eeyore's gloomy place - where might he be? You left me sitting on the windowsill and promised to return by count of three. I have awaited your return, but still no you, though in my heart, I know one day you will. Chrisopher Robin's point of view ... I miss you silly pooh and if I could go back in time, I'd carry you with me. When father took me flying from the wood -- attending school, far from the Sanderz tree, it was too quick to say goodbye. A bee buzzed by and teased outside my window sill inviting me to stay. I'm grown, with three kids of my own who haven't met you; still don't fret, I've left you to them when I wrote my will. ~~~~~~~Third Revision~~~~~~~~~~~ Winnie the Pooh And Christopher Too Winnie The Pooh's View ... The years went by so fast. I wonder could it be...you truly have forgotten me? They sold off every acre of the wood from where the Woozles weren't - to my tree, then Eeyore's gloomy place; where might he be? You left me sitting on the windowsill and promised to return by count of three. I've counted ten so many times and still no you. But in my heart, I know one day you will. Chrisopher Robin's point of view ... I miss you silly old Pooh! If I could go back in time, I would take you with me. Yet father flew me...far, far from the wood to school. He pulled me from the Sanderz tree, so quick I couldn't say goodbye. A bee buzzed by today, outside my window sill reminding me I've grown up now with three kids of my own; they haven't met you - still don't fret - I've left them our lagacy in my will... ~~~~~~~Second Revision~~~~~~~~~~ Winnie the Pooh And Christopher Too Winnie The Pooh's View ... So many years have passed; I wonder could it be...you truly have forgotten me? They sold off every acre of the wood from where the Woozles weren't - to my tree, then Eeyore's gloomy place; where might he be? You left me sitting on the windowsill and promised to return by count of three. Although you didn't look behind, I still continue to believe that one day soon you will. Chrisopher Robin's point of view ... I miss you silly old Pooh! If I could go back in time, I would take you with me. Yet father flew me...far, far from the wood to school. He pulled me from the Sanderz tree, so quick I couldn't say goodbye. A bee buzzed by and teased outside my window sill it beckoned me home. I'm grown now with three kids of my own; they haven't met you - still our legacy lives - I've left them you in my will! ~~~~~~ First Revision ~~~~~~~~~~~~ Winnie the Pooh And Christopher Too Winnie The Pooh's View ... The years had passed so fast. I wonder could it be, you truly have forgotten me? They sold off every acre of the wood from where the Woozles weren't, to my tree and Eeyore's gloomy place. Where might he be? You left me sitting on the windowsill and promised to return by count of three. Although you didn't look behind, I still continue to believe ... one day you will. Chrisopher Robin's point of view ... I miss you silly old Pooh. If I could go back in time, I would take you with me. Yet father flew me...far, far...from the wood to school. He pulled me from the Sanderz tree, so quick I couldn't say goodbye. A bee had buzzed and teased outside my window sill beckoning me; stay. I'm all grown up with three kids of my own. They may not know you; still don't worry - I've left them you in my will! ~~~~~ Original Draft ~~~~~~~ Winnie the Pooh And Christopher Too Winnie The Pooh's View ... The years had passed so fast. I wonder could it be, you truly have forgotten me? They sold off every acre of the wood from where the woozles weren't, to my tree and eeyore's gloomy place. Where might he be? You left me sitting on the windowsill and promised to return by count of three. Although you didn't look behind, I still continue to believe ... one day you will. Chrisopher Robin's point of view ... I miss you silly old pooh. If I could go back in time, I would take you with me. Yet father flew me away from the wood to tend to school, far from the Sanderz tree, so quick I couldn't say goodbye. A bee had buzzed and teased outside my window sill beckoning me; stay. I'm all grown up with three kids of my own. They may not know you; still don't worry - I've left them you in my will! ·······  ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner           |
  
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| Guest_Don_* |
Nov 19 07, 10:31
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#2
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Hi,
Should the names like "eeyore" and "pooh" be capitalized? Happy Thanksgiving prolific one. Don |
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| Guest_Xanadu_* |
Nov 19 07, 14:17
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#3
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How sweet is this?!! Very enjoyable!
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Nov 19 07, 14:40
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#4
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 862 Joined: 25-June 04 From: Ohio, USA Member No.: 70 Real Name: Susan Eckenrode Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Merlin |
Hi Liz,
These are a delightful pair of Spen-stas! I'm short on time but just wanted to say how much I enjoyed reading you again. I'll be back with a few comments on the meter... which does meander a bit in a couple of places. Sue ······· ······· |
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Nov 19 07, 22:02
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#5
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 2,085 Joined: 24-May 04 From: Time, Immoral Member No.: 66 Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Liz,
Delighted that you're venturing into the Spenser realm. One important regulation is that the last line is an Alexandrine, named for Alexander the Grape. It needs 6 iambs. As Don sed, names should be capped. Pooh ol' me got stumpted on Igor. As Sue sed, the meter is a bit wonkee in places, but can be sandpapered. As Xan sed, how sweet it is. Merlin ······· ······· |
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Nov 20 07, 06:54
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#6
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Liz,
Yes, I feel the meter bumps moreso in the second stanza and will also be back soon to comment specifically. I'm  off to work at present but am glad to see you jumping into the volley. Perhaps others (and myself) will rejoin the party?  Hmmm, which characters...BBS ~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner   |
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| Guest_Don_* |
Nov 20 07, 07:52
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#7
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Hi Merlin,
Are we certain it isn't "Eyegore?" Don |
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Nov 20 07, 09:28
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#8
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Don, Xanadu, Sue, Merlin and Lori -
Yes, there should be CAPS on names, and surely Pooh and eeyore would be doodoo and what an eye sore ... so I will take care of that now. Come on back to rip it up, I caught several area's where the meter fumbled and hope to have some more points of revision. Ever since Sue and Merlin did the volley of Spen-stans I sat in awe and tried so hard to write one of my own ... once this came to mind (and there is much I would like to change) I was hooked... So Lori come on down and pick a Duo and let your creative juices flow ... Hugs you all ... Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner |
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| Guest_Don_* |
Nov 20 07, 09:51
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#9
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Dear Liz,
What are Spen-stans? |
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Nov 20 07, 15:20
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#10
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 2,085 Joined: 24-May 04 From: Time, Immoral Member No.: 66 Writer of: Poetry |
Spenserian Stanza:
8 lines of iambic pentameter followed by a 9th line, Alexandrine (6 iambs). Rhyme scheme abab bcbc c without spaces. We shortened the formal name to Spenstas, sometimes. Spenser did his Faerie Queene in this style. It was dormant for a couple hundred years until resurrected by Byron, Keats, and a few more, to come back into popularity. A few of us began writing them to break a sonnet cycle, and it has caught on again among us. Merlin ······· ······· |
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| Guest_Don_* |
Nov 20 07, 15:25
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#11
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Thanks Merlin,
Spensta sounds like rap. Don |
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Nov 20 07, 18:59
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#12
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
I'll be taking you up Liz on your challenge, course you know I already did one - the Lara Croft/Indie Jones one, When Raiders Collide, LOL!
I'm tied up with the design work on the SQ book, but hope to be writing again soon - maybe next month? Happy Thanksgiving!    ~Cleo ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Nov 21 07, 09:31
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#13
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Eric,
Thank you for the background, I absolutely adore the momentum it creates and the wonder of the rhyme scheme I find the hook. .. and Lori, yes I remember your Indie one, for the moment I replied I had forgotten - wouldn't it be great for our next Form Book could be the Spen-Sta's (PS I AGREE WITH DON, SOUNDS LIKE A RAP BAND ... OR SOME GANG) Hugs, and start dusting your Spen-sta's off, perhaps we'll go to battle (poetry battle, that is ...) and have a spen-sta contest~ Anyway ... Thank you everyone for the thoughts ... Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner |
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Nov 21 07, 14:44
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#14
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Yeah, that could be one of them - I was thinking maybe Rondeau for the next one...
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Nov 21 07, 17:46
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#15
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 862 Joined: 25-June 04 From: Ohio, USA Member No.: 70 Real Name: Susan Eckenrode Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Merlin |
Hi Liz...
You've already fixed some of the meter matters that concerned me. The main that remain are that you need the last line of each stanza to have 6 stressed sylls. Suggestions for further adjustments to stanza 2: I miss you silly old Pooh. If I could This line still bumps. suggest you leave 'old' out and end with 'and if I could'. go back in time, I would take you with me. Slightly off meter and 'would' so close to 'could' is distracting. Try something like--" go back in time, I'd carry you with me" Yet father flew me...far, far...from the wood to school. He pulled me from the Sanderz tree, so quick I couldn't say goodbye. A bee ... suggest using 'fast' since grammatically 'quick' should be 'quickly' had buzzed and teased outside my window sill beckoning me; stay. I'm all grown up with three ...I get too many stresses here. How about "and bade me stay" kids of my own. They may not know you; still don't worry - I've left them you in my will! I hope I've offered something you can use. Have a happy Turkey Day! Sue ······· ······· |
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Nov 22 07, 09:59
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#16
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,802 Joined: 24-April 04 From: Connecticut Member No.: 58 Real Name: Ron Jones Writer of: Poetry |
Dear Liz,
No time now to go into depth but I'll be back and my muses,(I think) are planning to come out of hiding with a "Spen-sta". Both La and Il enjoyed Winnie when mere musettes. I overheard them planning and have already prepared the dash/slash/rhyme scheme format in which they can place the words. Just one comment now, I believe the pooh's name is Winnie. Thus Winnie gets capitalized but pooh doesn't. I hope we three, La, Il and me, make an appearance before the weekend ends. Cheers, Ron jgd (I used "me" instead of "I" because my PL permits it) ······· ······· |
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| Guest_Don_* |
Nov 22 07, 10:14
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#17
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Oh pooh, his name is Winnie. Thanks for straightening that out.
Read in local newspaper that Canadians are shopping more in the U.S. due to our weakened dollar compared to their Loonie. Now that is a reversal for a change. Happy Thanksgiving Don |
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Nov 22 07, 10:18
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#18
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 862 Joined: 25-June 04 From: Ohio, USA Member No.: 70 Real Name: Susan Eckenrode Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Merlin |
Hi Liz...
I just stopped by to reread this charming pair and had a thought to share for the last line of stanza 2 in order to make an Alex. and to tie it to in the last line of S1. Also a suggestion to make line 8 a little less choppy... change 'they' to 'who'. kids of my own. They may not know you; still "don't worry, 'cause I promise you, someday they will." have a wonderful Thanksgiving. I've gotta get cooking. Sue ······· ······· |
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Nov 25 07, 09:06
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#19
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Lori
Ah yes and there are a lot of Ron-Does (as Merlin would call them) I would enjoy that too... Hugs, Liz QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Nov 21 07, 14:44 ) [snapback]104447[/snapback] Yeah, that could be one of them - I was thinking maybe Rondeau for the next one...
······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner |
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Nov 25 07, 09:29
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#20
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Sue,
Thank you so much for the excellent suggestions that smooth out many points that I wasn't too happy with. I especially like your use for 'bade' that line, I was going to make a change from stay to home ... as I think a bee at his window now, would be inticing him home not to stay... Another change suggestion I felt is perfect was ' ... I'd carry with me' Excellent change. Hugs, Liz Thank you again for the fix its... ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner |
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