White Trumpets Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

White Trumpets

A day ... bright and warm,
turns cold and menacing.
A sky bruised by buffeting clouds
backdrops a suffering soul.

Twisting, joint-rending pain
rips through a battered body,
flesh laid to ribbons ...
they crown their travesty
with plaited thorns.

Father, forgive them ...

Pleas for our salvation
echo through inky darkness
as brutal torment consumes,
and breaks His heart.

Each drop of bloody sweat
wrung from Christ's agony
bears white-robed apostles of hope;

consider the lilies ...

trumpeting His Promise
of life everlasting.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright April2006

[Guest_Billydo_*]

Hi Cathy

I enjoyed this as a poem and for the clever use of symbolism. Story has it that lilies grew where Christ's sweat fell to the ground at Gethsemane.

I also associated the trumpet image with the trumpets of the soldiers as well as the promise of the dies irae.

Powerful.

Cheers

Mike

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Mike,

It's nice to see you!

Hi Cathy

I enjoyed this as a poem and for the clever use of symbolism. Story has it that lilies grew where Christ's sweat fell to the ground at Gethsemane.

That's where the idea came from.  I had trouble pulling this one together and I'm still not happy with it.

I also associated the trumpet image with the trumpets of the soldiers as well as the promise of the dies irae.

Not to mention the trumpet shape of the lily~  *smiles*

Powerful.

Thank you~

Cathy

[moon_shadow'...]

Hello Cathy,

It's been a very long time since I did a crit, so bear with me.

A sky bruised by buffeting clouds
backdrops a suffering soul.

The imagery is terrific, and the alliteration is well done.  However, I'm not sure if "suffering soul" is really accurate.  If your referring to the soul of Jesus, it wasn't really suffering at all, as he knew why he was there and that his Father had plans for him (not starting a theological debate, just stating my interpretation  :)  ).  It was only his body that was suffering.  Maybe something like "reconciled", or "submissive".  Just pondering.

Twisting, joint-rending pain
rips through a battered body,
flesh laid to ribbons ...
they crown their travesty
with plaited thorns.

I like "Twisted" in place of "Twisting".  Changes the meaning slightly, but alludes to a sickness in the hearts and minds of the tormentors.  I love the last two lines of this stanza.  Great.

Pleas for our salvation
echo through inky darkness

Again, personal interpretation here.  Suggest something like "Heaven's golden halls" ( yeah I know, cliche) in place of "inky darkness".  Just something to convey that the pleas are meant to be heard by God and not neccessarily man.

Each drop of bloody sweat
wrung from Christ's agony
bears white-robed apostles of hope;

Wonderful stanza.  Very powerful.

You've attempted to portray one of the most powerful stories in history and done a good job.  A very difficult task and not one I'd care to try.  These are only my opinions of course.  Toss anything you don't like.

Dan

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Dan,

It's nice to meet you!  Welcome to MM!  *smiles*

Hello Cathy,

It's been a very long time since I did a crit, so bear with me.

No problem ... I've been critting for some time and I still worry about how they come across.

Quote  
A sky bruised by buffeting clouds
backdrops a suffering soul.  


The imagery is terrific, and the alliteration is well done.  However, I'm not sure if "suffering soul" is really accurate.  If your referring to the soul of Jesus, it wasn't really suffering at all, as he knew why he was there and that his Father had plans for him (not starting a theological debate, just stating my interpretation    ).  It was only his body that was suffering.  Maybe something like "reconciled", or "submissive".  Just pondering.

I realize all that but I still think he may have been 'suffering'.  After all, at the time, He was human just like us.  Even though He knew what and why this was happening I think He may still have been sad that it needed to be.  Accepting ... yes, but content and joyful ... I doubt that.  I will give your thoughts consideration when working on the revision though.  Thanks!

Quote  
Twisting, joint-rending pain
rips through a battered body,
flesh laid to ribbons ...
they crown their travesty
with plaited thorns.  


I like "Twisted" in place of "Twisting".  Changes the meaning slightly, but alludes to a sickness in the hearts and minds of the tormentors.  I love the last two lines of this stanza.  Great.

I like your idea of 'twisted' for this line.  It works quite well in this scenario ... thanks!

Quote  
Pleas for our salvation
echo through inky darkness


Again, personal interpretation here.  Suggest something like "Heaven's golden halls" ( yeah I know, cliche) in place of "inky darkness".  Just something to convey that the pleas are meant to be heard by God and not neccessarily man.

I see what you mean.  I will work on it and see what I can come up with.

Quote  
Each drop of bloody sweat
wrung from Christ's agony
bears white-robed apostles of hope;


Wonderful stanza.  Very powerful.

Thank you!

You've attempted to portray one of the most powerful stories in history and done a good job.  A very difficult task and not one I'd care to try.  These are only my opinions of course.  Toss anything you don't like.

Thanks Dan!  I'm not sure I'm content with it yet myself.  *smiles*  Thanks for dropping in and taking the time to comment!  Much appreciated!

Cathy

[moon_shadow'...]

Hi Cathy.

A sky bruised by buffeting clouds
backdrops a suffering soul.  


The imagery is terrific, and the alliteration is well done.  However, I'm not sure if "suffering soul" is really accurate.  If your referring to the soul of Jesus, it wasn't really suffering at all, as he knew why he was there and that his Father had plans for him (not starting a theological debate, just stating my interpretation    ).  It was only his body that was suffering.  Maybe something like "reconciled", or "submissive".  Just pondering.

I realize all that but I still think he may have been 'suffering'.  After all, at the time, He was human just like us.  Even though He knew what and why this was happening I think He may still have been sad that it needed to be.  Accepting ... yes, but content and joyful ... I doubt that.  I will give your thoughts consideration when working on the revision though.  Thanks!

Actually, I agree with you.  And it helps give the impression that he was really more "human" than we realize.  I just thought I'd throw out the "opposite side of the fence" point of view for comparison.

Good luck,

Dan

[Guest_Cathy_*]

*smiles*

It's nice to know that I'm not alone in my thinking~

I will still think about what you said though.  I'm never averse to change if I can find a better way to describe something so we shall see.

Cathy