The Repentant Adulterer (Final Draft/Altered Title ), free verse Options

[Maggie]

The Repentant Adulterer (Final Draft)

After her question
he lifted his forearm up
from off the chair
as he bowed his head.

Eyes closed tightly
and brows furrowed,
he rested his head
on his hand,
the bridge of his nose
squeezed tightly
between thumb and index finger.

He said nothing.

Then resolutely
he sat up
with shoulders squared
and in obvious agony
met her eyes.

"I'm so sorry. . . ."


Peggy Carpenter Harwood





The Adulterer (New Title- Revision 2)

After her question
he lifted his forearm up
from off the chair's arm
as he bowed his head.

Eyes closed tightly
and brows furrowed,
he rested his head
on his hand,
the bridge of his nose
squeezed tightly
between thumb and index finger.

He said nothing.

Then resolutely
he sat up
with shoulders squared
and looked her
in the eyes.

"I'm very sorry..."
he began
with profound regret.

Peggy







The Gesture (Revision 1)

After her question,
he bent his forearm up
from off the chair's arm
bowing his head.

With eyes closed tightly
and brows furrowed,
he rested his head
on his hand,
the bridge of his nose
squeezed tightly
between thumb
and index finger.

He said nothing.

Did he think
her question
had the wrong answer?

His gesture said he did.





The Gesture (tweaked)

He bent his forearm up
from off the chair's arm
as he bowed his head.

Closing his eyes tightly
beneath furrowed brows,
he rested his head
on his hand,
the bridge of his nose
squeezed tightly
between thumb
and index finger.

He spoke no words,
but his gesture spoke
volumes.

Did he think
that some questions
have the wrong answers?

His gesture said so.


Peggy Carpenter Harwood

[Eisa]

Hi Peggy - this is an interesting one.

One nit is that you have used 'his' 5 times in the 1st 2 stanzas ('he' is used quite a bit too) I often find it difficult to find an alternative way of saying things in such circumstances, but let's see if I can think of anything.
A few thoughts --

With bowed head,
he bent his forearm up
[from] off the chair's arm.
[as he bowed his head.]

[Closing his] Eyes tightly closed
beneath furrowed brows,
he rested his head
on [his] one hand,
the bridge of his nose
squeezed tightly
between thumb
and index finger.

He spoke no words,
but this gesture spoke
volumes.
that some questions
have the wrong answers.

------------------------------
[Did he think
that some questions
have the wrong answers?]

His gesture said
that some questions
have the wrong answers.]


I hope something I've written might be of some use.

Snow

[AMETHYST]

Hi Peggy,

This has me a drawn in, and yet confused as I seem to be having a problem making connection - of his gesture and the ending of the poem. Of course this is probably me as I'm just getting back into reading and reviewing poetry after a long absence.

I like many of the thoughts Snow has left; her suggestions for weeding out makes the images more intensified to help the reader 'feel' the moment in the subjects movements and expressions. I too perfer less he/his etc ...
I've a few of my own, however I hope they compliment your intention for the endings meaning.

Best Wishes and Happy New Years! Liz

The Gesture (tweaked)

He bent his forearm up
from off the chair's arm
as he bowed his head.

Elbow bent, held
above the chair's arm
and head bowed.

Closing his eyes tightly
beneath furrowed brows,
he rested his head
on his hand,
the bridge of his nose
squeezed tightly
between thumb
and index finger.

I would also suggest connecting this second stanza into stanza 1

Eyes closed tight,
brows furrowed, and head
resting on open palm.
The bridge of his nose
squeezed between thumb
and index finger -

He spoke no words,
but his gesture spoke
volumes.

Did he think
that some questions
have the wrong answers?
His gesture said so.

With no words spoken,
his gesture spoke volumes-
Did he think
some questions held the wrong answers,

His gesture said so -


Still I am not sure what this means, I do hope you can come back to give me a little insight into the meaning, as I mentioned I KNOW it is me and my disconnection to poetry as of late and I need a little help from my friends to get back into the sway of things...

Hugs, Liz

[Maggie]

Hi Snow and Liz,

Thank you so much for your excellent critiques and thoughtful comments!!! I can see I need to do some work on this. I have a couple ideas and will post a revision when their execution is a bit clearer to me.

Thank you again so much!!!!

Peggy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Peggy,

I may be repetitive, so I'll hold off until your revision - are you planning one anytime soon?

Lori

[Maggie]

Hi Cleo,

Thanks for stopping by. I don't really know when I'll get any time to do any thinking about this poem in the near future. I'm waiting for biopsy results and just can't tackle a poem of my own right now. The decision for a biopsy was a sudden thing and that's about all I can think about right now. Thanks for the offer of a critique! I wouldn't have posted the poem for critique if I'd known this medical problem was going to crop up. Keep me in your prayers.

Peggy

[Cleo_Serapis]

Oh boy - I know what you are going through. The wait is the worst part for the psyche.

Hopefully it'll be good news and you'll be up and about. I'll be wishing you well and praying for your diagnosis to be a good and simple one.

Take care and be well.
~Cleo

[Maggie]

Hi Cleo,

Thank you for your kind thoughts and prayers!!

I added a first line and got rid of a few of the "his" usage. Any better?

Peggy

[AMETHYST]

Keeping you in my prayers Peggy ... Please keep us posted on the results and always know we're here for you. As for the revisions, perhaps after you get Great news, and it settles the worry and billions of thoughts that are going through your mind - you will be able to look at ths poem with a clear mind and do what is best for you and the poem... Don't worry we will all be here for you.

Best Wishes, Liz

[Maggie]

Hi Liz,

Thanks so much for your prayers and words of support! They're certainly appreciated!

Peggy

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Peggy, Sorry to hear of your health problems, I know how nasty they can be, and that your mind can't concentrate on things. I hope all turns out all right. I understood what you are tryint to get at with 'the gesture' , you really need to trim those 'he' and 'his' out, I think both Snow and Liz have given you some good pointers on the way to go. I will come back to reread, when your ready with a newer revision.
Steve

[Guest_Dan Culleton_*]

Nice. I always like poems that show us ourselves (or myself).
Might I suggest:
"rested head on hand"?
And:
"Did he think her question
sought/led to/required/needed/wanted a wrong answer"?
A word more active than "had".
Or does the line mean:
"Did he think her question
could have a wrong answer?"?
Cheers,
Dan

[Maggie]

Hi Dan,

So good to see you joining right in and again welcome!!

Thanks for the great insight into "had." I'll have to ponder the available options.

Again, welcome and thanks!

Peggy

[vessq]

Hello Peggy,

I liked the tweaked version. Like the poem.

All I would suggest is removing that and the from the next to last stanza and dropping the last line. The poem showed me without the last line.

Vess

[Maggie]

Hi vess,

Have I welcomed you to Mosaic Musings yet? If not, let me make amends and say that it's great to have you with us!!!

Thanks for your reply! It is much appreciated!! I'm inclined to like the "tweaked" version best myself. I'll cogitate on that last line.

Again, WELCOME!!!

Peggy

[Eisa]

Nice revision Peggy and I'll see if I can think of any more suggestions later.

I know just how you must be feeling awaiting for your results. I recently had to have a scan & I spent much of the time beforehand feeling like a nervous wreck! It's difficult to think of anything else. Do let us know when you here - we are always here to offer support.
I'll remember you in my prayers.

Snow

[Maggie]

Hey Snow,

Thank you so much for reading and wishing me well!! The doctor said the all the test results show no signs of cancer!! Yippee!!! Thanks so much for asking!!!

Peggy

[Eisa]

Oh Peggy!!! that has brought tears to my eyes and a smile to my face. I am so pleased!!!!!!!!!

Snow

[Arnfinn]

G'day Peg,


Here's how I see it.


The Gesture (Revision 1)

After her question,
he bent his forearm up
from off the chair's arm
bowing his head.


After her question,
he lifted his forearm
from the chair's arm--
bowing his head.





With eyes closed tightly
and brows furrowed,
he rested his head
on his hand,
the bridge of his nose
squeezed tightly
between thumb
and index finger.


Eyes closed tightly,
brows furrowed,
he rested his head
on his hand; his nose
squeezed tightly between
thumb and index finger





He said nothing.

Did he think
her question
had the wrong answer?

His gesture said he did.



Nothing, was said...

Did her question
have the wrong answer?

His gesture said he did.





I've given you a few ideas.

I thought pruning a few twigs from the tree
might lighten things up a bit.


Regards,


John

[Maggie]

Hi John,

Vast improvement I think!!! Thank you so very much!!!!

Peggy