~ In Silent Disbelief ~ (Strong Content), 9/11 Options

[Guest_Taita_*]

revised yet again

Truth flew in from the blue like a Great-White.
A nation staggered, thinking “What the f**k?"
Just movie scenes— but then another struck
in twin terror, that gave proof to the light.
In distant anguish, tiny figures leapt,
and plummeted to piteous relief
from searing heat. In silent disbelief
and impotence we watched them fall-- and wept.

We rule the skies and scan the people-scapes,
exterminating Evil where it dwells.
Will waging war on Terror only swell
the ranks of martyrs-- dying to escape?
Osama's opened all our eyes-- it's true!
Now freedom's not the shade that we once knew.

revision

Truth flew in from the blue like a Great-White.
A nation staggered, thinking “What the f**k?"
Just movie scenes— but then another struck
in twin terror, that gave proof to the light.
In distant anguish, tiny figures leapt,
and plummeted to piteous relief
from searing heat. In silent disbelief
and impotence we watched them fall-- and wept.

The skyline's changed, we scan the people-scapes
with pessimistic hearts. Since that defeat,
the realization, Evil walks our streets
is something only youthful minds escape.
Osama's opened all our eyes-- it's true!
Here, freedom's not the shade that we once knew.


revision

Truth flew in from the blue like a Great-White.
A nation staggered, thinking “What the f**k?"
Just movie scenes— but then another struck
in twin terror, that gave proof to the light.
In distant anguish, tiny figures leapt,
and plummeted to piteous relief
from searing heat. In silent disbelief
and impotence we watched them fall-- and wept.

We rule the skies and scan the people-scapes,
exterminating Evil where it dwells.
Will waging war on Terror only swell
the ranks of martyrs-- fueling, God-veiled, rapes?
Osama's opened all our eyes-- it's true!
Now freedom's not the shade that we once knew.


Truth flew in from the blue like a Great-White.
A nation staggered, thinking “What the f**k?"
Just movie scenes— but then another struck
in twin terror, that gave proof to the light.
In distant anguish, tiny figures leapt,
and plummeted to piteous relief
from searing heat. In silent disbelief
and impotence we watched them fall-- and wept.

We rule the skies and scan the people-scapes,
determined to meet Evil where it dwells.
Will waging war on Terror only swell
the ranks of martyrs-- fueling, God-veiled, rapes?
Osama's opened all our eyes because,
now freedom's not the shade that it once was.

[Eisa]

Hi there -- it's Daniel isn't it? (this is Snow )

I recognise your poem and as I haven't had time to crit it elsewhere, I'll do it here  

This is strong stuff -- full of potential -- a great read.


Truth flew in from the blue like a Great-White.
A nation staggered, thinking “What the f**k?"
Just movie scenes— but then another struck
in twin terror, that gave proof to the light.
In distant anguish, tiny figures leapt,
and plummeted to piteous relief
from searing heat. In silent disbelief
and impotence we watched them fall-- and wept.

I feel the swear word is acceptable here, because of the awful circumstances.

I like the way you liken the event to the movie scenes -- so true.

twin terror -- nice description.

Your excellent vivid descriptions here are bringing that day right back to me -- and I could weep. Very good work.


We rule the skies and scan the people-scapes,
determined to meet Evil where it dwells.
Will waging war on Terror only swell
the ranks of martyrs-- fueling, God-veiled, rapes?
Osama's opened all our eyes because,
now freedom's not the shade that it once was.



I love the term `people-scapes'

the ranks of martyrs-- fueling, God-veiled, rapes?

The end of this line feels awkward meter-wise and is also a bit unclear in meaning.

now freedom's not the shade that it once was.

I feel this line is a weak ending to a very powerful poem -- perhaps not so much in content, but ending on the word `was' I know you will find something better.

Very powerful -- and only a few tweaks needed I would say.

Well done!

Snow

[Guest_Taita_*]

Hey, Snow thanks for lending your thoughts to this one...I appreciate it as this one's giving me lots of trouble.

By "Will waging war on Terror only swell
the ranks of martyrs-- fueling, God-veiled, rapes?"

I'm trying to ask whether waging war on terror is going to perpetuate a problem...ie these people feeling wronged and seeking retribution ala 9/11.

I think there are plenty of iambs in that line.

I'd sure appreciate your thoughts on this knowing my thoughts.

Thanks,
Daniel.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Dan.  

You've positioned a tough to take topic for many with some strong imagery here in this piece. I'm not a fan of swear words so I'd like to offer a slight re-wording for you to take or toss. I understand the message may not seem as potent without the swear, but I do think you can still maintain your message just the same. I still can't talk about that horrific day and the months since without getting choked up, but it is up to us as writers to keep the message loud and clear in the limelight.  

Here goes:

Truth flew in from the blue like a Great-White.
Here, I can't make the correlation of 'flew' with a shark, since sharks swim - so how about:
Truth dipped in from the blue like a Great-White. instead?
A nation staggered, thinking “What the f**k hell?"
Just movie scenes— but then another struck fell
in twin terror, that gave proof to the light.
Here I think the iambs need a slight tweaking:
in terror twinned, that proved a loss of light.(multiple meaning, as the debris was strewn all over making it hard to see AND a loss of light to mean 'a loss of faith'.

In distant anguish, tiny figures leapt,
and plummeted to piteous relief
from searing heat. In silent disbelief
and impotence helplessness, we watched them fall-- and wept.
Excellent stanza!

The skyline's changed, we scan the people-scapes
with pessimistic hearts. Since that defeat,
the realization, Evil walks our streets
is something only youthful minds escape.
Osama's opened all our eyes-- it's true!
Here, freedom's not the shade that we once knew.
In this closing stanza, I would make it two to mimic the sonnet closing (message) couplet. In addition, a few more thoughts:

The skyline's changed, we scan the people-scapes
with pessimistic hearts. Since that defeat,
the realization: Evil walks our streets   *colon
is something only youthful minds escape. *I don't agree that youthful minds escape evil, many children have suffered more than adults in terrorists' hands IMHO, I almost want to read it as 'virgin minds', or 'unblemished' minds or something along those lines to mean 'untainted'?

Osama's opened all our eyes-- it's true!
Here, freedom's not the shade that we once knew.

In the closing couplet, since this piece is specific to 9/11, I guess Osama is OK, you could also expand by not singling him out by saying,
Extremists opened....

Just some thoughts to take or toss.
Cheers!
~Cleo  

[Guest_Taita_*]

Thanks, a bunch cleo....you made some valid points. I very much appreciate your suggestions and the time you took in sharing your thoughts...couldn't meet you all the way but I hope this is an improvement. Thanks again.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Taita,

This is a very good poem indeed, full of useful ideas and well-expressed. I see you have made revisions to it and I do not think I can build on the advice already offered; especially Cleo's careful analysis.

The only point I would take up is more intellectual than poetic - so apologies for that. "exterminating Evil where it dwells..." is that meant to be ironic or taken at face-value? If the former that's fine. However, if the latter then it seems to base itself upon the assumption that evil does exist in a particular place amongst particular people. Sure, some acts are evil and people do commit evil acts. However, is there not evil in varying degrees in all of us? Maybe this is what you meant - eliminating the evil within people, as opposed to evil people? I should be interested to hear you views.

Best wishes.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Your poem is both sad and beautiful.  What happened that day was tragic for sure and I'm sure it will never be forgotten.  This piece does a great job of expressing the emotions that I'm sure everyone was feeling as they watched the horror.  Let's hope there's not another tragic event that can be written about.

Cathy