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Guest_bombadil1247_*
post Aug 25 10, 13:51
Post #1





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A-Listed


Curvaceous as a writhing snake,
with Champs-Elysées legs,
she never makes her old mistake
of courting mankind’s dregs
but always picks a chaperone
to match the limelight’s latest tone.

Her hair is always perfect now,
her clothes are custom made;
tight make-up shows designers how
to master nature’s shades;
the tints and textures round her eyes
are meant to tempt and tantalise.

She hasn’t always looked this good
for not so long ago
a skinny kid with attitude
frequented fashion shows
in Oxfam shoes and backcombed hair:
she’s lucky that I found her there.

Amendedments 5 September 2010
S3,l1 - 'didn't' changed to 'hasn't'
S3, l5 - 'worn down heels' changed to 'Oxfam shoes'
 
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Alan
post Aug 25 10, 17:46
Post #2


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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,446
Joined: 16-October 06
From: UK
Member No.: 298
Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends



Dear Jim,

Shades of "Where do you go to, my darling" ?

Can't stop for details now, but I feel there will be revisions that you want !

Love
Alan


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merle
post Aug 26 10, 01:03
Post #3


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Joined: 4-February 09
Member No.: 756
Real Name: Robin DeWalt
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Winning Writer's web site



Hi Jim -

I really enjoyed this write on the perfect facade of the A-Listers and the ego-maniacs who discover them.

My only suggestion would be to find a substitute for 'in worn down heels' since it's rather cliche.

Robin


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Guest_bombadil1247_*
post Aug 26 10, 14:30
Post #4





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QUOTE (Alan @ Aug 25 10, 23:46 ) *
Dear Jim,

Shades of "Where do you go to, my darling" ?

Can't stop for details now, but I feel there will be revisions that you want !

Love
Alan

Hi, Alan,

I'm sorry that you have to read so much 'old material' at the moment, still catching up here after a long absence. This was spawned by Mal's reference at BP to Mickey Spillane dialogue of course.
Jim
 
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Guest_bombadil1247_*
post Aug 26 10, 14:43
Post #5





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QUOTE (merle @ Aug 26 10, 07:03 ) *
Hi Jim -

I really enjoyed this write on the perfect facade of the A-Listers and the ego-maniacs who discover them.

My only suggestion would be to find a substitute for 'in worn down heels' since it's rather cliche.

Robin

Hi, Robin,

thanks for stopping by, always appreciated. The line you mention is the direct allusion to the head-to-toe transformation so has to include those references. On cliches generally, I don't have any great objections to their use; seems churlish to refuse a phrase that says exactly what you mean just because someone else thought of it first. I always cite the toolbox analogy at this point - you wouldn't dream of refusing to use a screwdriver to drive home screws just because that's how it's always done, would you? Similarly, I believe that poets should use every tool in their box, even those borrowed from a neighbour.

That said, I'm always open to suggestions, perhaps something like 'Oxfam shoes' would work there and offer a little 'green' message too? I'll have a think and wait for other comments/crits before editing though,
Jim
 
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merle
post Aug 27 10, 01:24
Post #6


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Posts: 262
Joined: 4-February 09
Member No.: 756
Real Name: Robin DeWalt
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Winning Writer's web site



Hi Jim -

On the contray, I sometimes bypass the screwdriver and use the butter knife instead. :) I do like the idea of a 'green message' to show the innocence before the rise/fall to fame.

Robin


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AMETHYST
post Aug 29 10, 22:10
Post #7


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Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



Hey Jim...

I love this! Strong from title to ending line. The 1st stanza nicely works a strong descriptive of the subject for the reader - intwining both inner and outer motivations. At poem's end, I was surprised at the narrator and thought it was a nice punch for this reader. Your use of words like curvaceous is applaudable. Puts an extra intensity on the image painted. Each stanza could actually stand well on its own, and yet blends so comfortably as a follow through into the next -

The only stumble I had was in S3, L1 and L2- I kept wanting to say "She hadn't always looked this good..." or L2, it wasn't long ago ... I think moreso, if L1 was revised a tinge, L2 would pick up the strength in offering the reader the time span for her transition from skinny kid, into glamored model -

I have to say not another nit at all ... this is a keeper - powerful on several levels. It shows so much about the subject and as mentioned, a nice surprise unveiling the narrator at the end.

Hugs, Liz ...





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Guest_bombadil1247_*
post Sep 5 10, 06:04
Post #8





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QUOTE (merle @ Aug 27 10, 07:24 ) *
Hi Jim -

On the contray, I sometimes bypass the screwdriver and use the butter knife instead. :) I do like the idea of a 'green message' to show the innocence before the rise/fall to fame.

Robin

I forgot the butter knife option. magictongue.png Have gone with 'Oxfam shoes' on that line anyway,
Jim
 
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Guest_bombadil1247_*
post Sep 5 10, 06:09
Post #9





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QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Aug 30 10, 04:10 ) *
Hey Jim...

I love this! Strong from title to ending line. The 1st stanza nicely works a strong descriptive of the subject for the reader - intwining both inner and outer motivations. At poem's end, I was surprised at the narrator and thought it was a nice punch for this reader. Your use of words like curvaceous is applaudable. Puts an extra intensity on the image painted. Each stanza could actually stand well on its own, and yet blends so comfortably as a follow through into the next -

The only stumble I had was in S3, L1 and L2- I kept wanting to say "She hadn't always looked this good..." or L2, it wasn't long ago ... I think moreso, if L1 was revised a tinge, L2 would pick up the strength in offering the reader the time span for her transition from skinny kid, into glamored model -

I have to say not another nit at all ... this is a keeper - powerful on several levels. It shows so much about the subject and as mentioned, a nice surprise unveiling the narrator at the end.

Hugs, Liz ...


Hi, Liz,

thanks for stopping by, always appreciated. Have changed s3,l1 to 'hasn't always looked' as per your suggestion - had to keep the tense for narrator's benefit though. Glad you enjoyed, that last line was only partly tongue in cheek.
Jim
 
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AMETHYST
post Sep 5 10, 22:48
Post #10


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



Hey Jim...


I enjoyed another read of this piece and give a thumbs up! I see your intent with the tense purposes and to my ear, it reads like a dream!

Looking forward to your next masterpiece -

Hugs, Liz


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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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anaisa
post Sep 18 10, 00:33
Post #11


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Posts: 138
Joined: 11-May 10
From: california
Member No.: 1,120
Real Name: karen
Writer of: Poetry



Hi Jim,

Nice poem and very entertaining. Oxfam? Isn't that a UK thrift store?
I had to chuckle because that's what came to mind, anyway....and sort of a clever play on oxford shoes.
I enjoyed reading this!

K


QUOTE (merle @ Aug 26 10, 02:03 ) *
Hi Jim -

I really enjoyed this write on the perfect facade of the A-Listers and the ego-maniacs who discover them.

My only suggestion would be to find a substitute for 'in worn down heels' since it's rather cliche.

Robin


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Sekhmet
post Nov 13 10, 09:05
Post #12


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Posts: 743
Joined: 3-February 09
From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK
Member No.: 754
Real Name: Leonora Wyatt
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:No one at all



Hello Bombadil - I don't think we have exchanged views before, but I am newly returned from a long sojourn in a fallow field. Makes me sound like a neglected donkey, but so what?
I thoroughly enjoyed your verses about the young, 'celeb' - and how the puppet master pulled all her strings together to make a red carpet star.
I can just see the gawky kid in Oxfam shoes - but then I fell over the thought of, 'tight' makeup. Is that a techie term from the cat walk?
Anyway, I'm off to read more of your work.
Leo


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