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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ A-Listed
Posted by: bombadil1247 Aug 25 10, 13:51
A-Listed
Curvaceous as a writhing snake,
with Champs-Elysées legs,
she never makes her old mistake
of courting mankind’s dregs
but always picks a chaperone
to match the limelight’s latest tone.
Her hair is always perfect now,
her clothes are custom made;
tight make-up shows designers how
to master nature’s shades;
the tints and textures round her eyes
are meant to tempt and tantalise.
She hasn’t always looked this good
for not so long ago
a skinny kid with attitude
frequented fashion shows
in Oxfam shoes and backcombed hair:
she’s lucky that I found her there.
Amendedments 5 September 2010
S3,l1 - 'didn't' changed to 'hasn't'
S3, l5 - 'worn down heels' changed to 'Oxfam shoes'
Posted by: Alan Aug 25 10, 17:46
Dear Jim,
Shades of "Where do you go to, my darling" ?
Can't stop for details now, but I feel there will be revisions that you want !
Love
Alan
Posted by: merle Aug 26 10, 01:03
Hi Jim -
I really enjoyed this write on the perfect facade of the A-Listers and the ego-maniacs who discover them.
My only suggestion would be to find a substitute for 'in worn down heels' since it's rather cliche.
Robin
Posted by: bombadil1247 Aug 26 10, 14:30
Shades of "Where do you go to, my darling" ?
Can't stop for details now, but I feel there will be revisions that you want !
Love
Alan
Hi, Alan,
I'm sorry that you have to read so much 'old material' at the moment, still catching up here after a long absence. This was spawned by Mal's reference at BP to Mickey Spillane dialogue of course.
Jim
Posted by: bombadil1247 Aug 26 10, 14:43
I really enjoyed this write on the perfect facade of the A-Listers and the ego-maniacs who discover them.
My only suggestion would be to find a substitute for 'in worn down heels' since it's rather cliche.
Robin
Hi, Robin,
thanks for stopping by, always appreciated. The line you mention is the direct allusion to the head-to-toe transformation so has to include those references. On cliches generally, I don't have any great objections to their use; seems churlish to refuse a phrase that says exactly what you mean just because someone else thought of it first. I always cite the toolbox analogy at this point - you wouldn't dream of refusing to use a screwdriver to drive home screws just because that's how it's always done, would you? Similarly, I believe that poets should use every tool in their box, even those borrowed from a neighbour.
That said, I'm always open to suggestions, perhaps something like 'Oxfam shoes' would work there and offer a little 'green' message too? I'll have a think and wait for other comments/crits before editing though,
Jim
Posted by: merle Aug 27 10, 01:24
Hi Jim -
On the contray, I sometimes bypass the screwdriver and use the butter knife instead. :) I do like the idea of a 'green message' to show the innocence before the rise/fall to fame.
Robin
Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 29 10, 22:10
Hey Jim...
I love this! Strong from title to ending line. The 1st stanza nicely works a strong descriptive of the subject for the reader - intwining both inner and outer motivations. At poem's end, I was surprised at the narrator and thought it was a nice punch for this reader. Your use of words like curvaceous is applaudable. Puts an extra intensity on the image painted. Each stanza could actually stand well on its own, and yet blends so comfortably as a follow through into the next -
The only stumble I had was in S3, L1 and L2- I kept wanting to say "She hadn't always looked this good..." or L2, it wasn't long ago ... I think moreso, if L1 was revised a tinge, L2 would pick up the strength in offering the reader the time span for her transition from skinny kid, into glamored model -
I have to say not another nit at all ... this is a keeper - powerful on several levels. It shows so much about the subject and as mentioned, a nice surprise unveiling the narrator at the end.
Hugs, Liz ...
Posted by: bombadil1247 Sep 5 10, 06:04
On the contray, I sometimes bypass the screwdriver and use the butter knife instead. :) I do like the idea of a 'green message' to show the innocence before the rise/fall to fame.
Robin
I forgot the butter knife option.
Have gone with 'Oxfam shoes' on that line anyway,Jim
Posted by: bombadil1247 Sep 5 10, 06:09
I love this! Strong from title to ending line. The 1st stanza nicely works a strong descriptive of the subject for the reader - intwining both inner and outer motivations. At poem's end, I was surprised at the narrator and thought it was a nice punch for this reader. Your use of words like curvaceous is applaudable. Puts an extra intensity on the image painted. Each stanza could actually stand well on its own, and yet blends so comfortably as a follow through into the next -
The only stumble I had was in S3, L1 and L2- I kept wanting to say "She hadn't always looked this good..." or L2, it wasn't long ago ... I think moreso, if L1 was revised a tinge, L2 would pick up the strength in offering the reader the time span for her transition from skinny kid, into glamored model -
I have to say not another nit at all ... this is a keeper - powerful on several levels. It shows so much about the subject and as mentioned, a nice surprise unveiling the narrator at the end.
Hugs, Liz ...
Hi, Liz,
thanks for stopping by, always appreciated. Have changed s3,l1 to 'hasn't always looked' as per your suggestion - had to keep the tense for narrator's benefit though. Glad you enjoyed, that last line was only partly tongue in cheek.
Jim
Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 5 10, 22:48
Hey Jim...
I enjoyed another read of this piece and give a thumbs up! I see your intent with the tense purposes and to my ear, it reads like a dream!
Looking forward to your next masterpiece -
Hugs, Liz
Posted by: anaisa Sep 18 10, 00:33
Hi Jim,
Nice poem and very entertaining. Oxfam? Isn't that a UK thrift store?
I had to chuckle because that's what came to mind, anyway....and sort of a clever play on oxford shoes.
I enjoyed reading this!
K
I really enjoyed this write on the perfect facade of the A-Listers and the ego-maniacs who discover them.
My only suggestion would be to find a substitute for 'in worn down heels' since it's rather cliche.
Robin
Posted by: Sekhmet Nov 13 10, 09:05
Hello Bombadil - I don't think we have exchanged views before, but I am newly returned from a long sojourn in a fallow field. Makes me sound like a neglected donkey, but so what?
I thoroughly enjoyed your verses about the young, 'celeb' - and how the puppet master pulled all her strings together to make a red carpet star.
I can just see the gawky kid in Oxfam shoes - but then I fell over the thought of, 'tight' makeup. Is that a techie term from the cat walk?
Anyway, I'm off to read more of your work.
Leo
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