The Kingdom of Cleos, a metered attempt... Options

[Cleo_Serapis]

The Kingdom of Cleos

Imagine a world where Wizardry reigns;
Noble Kings crowned with comical names.
In this very realm, fairy godfathers fly;
protecting Cleos, just one stride from Nye.

King Poopee, in his kingdom, doth decree;
“To woe is forbidden! This is my plea!
Those who choose not to abide this one law;
go south to the land of Evil One’s Claw!”

“There’ll be no shouting, name calling in vain!
No tears of sorrow, no reason for pain!
Bliss is for you, in my kingdom you’ll find,
King Poopee believes, Tis best for Mankind.”

Knight’s shields of Cleos worn bravely with pride;
Moats surface dragons defending outside.
Wizards scrutinize the moods of the crowd;  
Foo dust is sprinkled from fairies in clouds.

Bequest Foo dust, toss your troubles aside;
catching them, Good Fellas bring them to Nye.
Fair Maidens bequeath tender nurturing love,
Dungeons hold ‘happy thoughts’ ne’er disposed of.

Imagine a world where no sin exists,
emotions restrained by blessings of bliss.
Proclaim regal rights bestowed upon thou,
In the Kingdom, Cleos, Kindness abounds.

© Lorraine M Kanter  

[Guest__*]

Dear Cleo

I like your idealised world - it should be so !

Before I crit the poem, I need to know if the various names etc are from your extensive knowledge of mythology etc.

Cleos ? Poopee ? Nye ?

I think I know where Cleos comes from .....

Love
Alan

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Cleo

I like your idealised world - it should be so !

Before I crit the poem, I need to know if the various names etc are from your extensive knowledge of mythology etc.

Cleos ? Poopee ? Nye ?

I think I know where Cleos comes from .....

Love
Alan

Alan!  :laugh:

No - I made these names up....at least I I made them up?  :guitar:

Yeppers, Cleos was the easy part....tee hee!

Cheers!
Cleo  :pharoah:

[Eisa]

The Kingdom of Cleos

Imagine here's a world where magic reigns;
true Kings are nobly crowned with comic names.
Wherein this fairy realm, God father's fly;
protecting Cleo's, one stride from old Nye.


[Imagine a world where Wizardry reigns;
Noble Kings crowned with comical names.
In this very realm, fairy godfathers fly;
protecting Cleos, just one stride from Nye.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

King Poopee in his kingdom, doth decree;
To woe's forbidden...this my heartfelt plea!
For those who choose they won't abide this law;
go south to Island of the Evil Claw.


[King Poopee, in his kingdom, doth decree;
“To woe is forbidden! This is my plea!
Those who choose not to abide this one law;
go south to the land of Evil One’s Claw!”]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There'll be no shouting, calling names in vain!
No tears of grief or reason to have pain!
My kingdom will be blissful, you will find
King Poopee trusts it's best for all mankind


[“There’ll be no shouting, name calling in vain!
No tears of sorrow, no reason for pain!
Bliss is for you, in my kingdom you’ll find,
King Poopee believes, Tis best for Mankind.”]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knight's sheilds of Cleo's bravely worn with pride;
as dragons of the moats, defend outside.
so Wizards scrutinize the moody crowds;
Foo dust is sprinkled from the fairy clouds.

[Knight’s shields of Cleos worn bravely with pride;
Moats surface dragons defending outside.
Wizards scrutinize the moods of the crowd;  
Foo dust is sprinkled from fairies in clouds.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bequest Foo dust to toss your cares aside;
and catch them fellas...bring them here to Nye.
Fair maids bequeath your tender nurt'ring love,
While dungeon's happy thoughts are felt above

[Bequest Foo dust, toss your troubles aside;
catching them, Good Fellas bring them to Nye.
Fair Maidens bequeath tender nurturing love,
Dungeons hold ‘happy thoughts’ ne’er disposed of.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Conceive a world where sin does not exist;
restrained emotions blessed with joyous bliss.
Proclaiming legal rights that may astound.
Cleo's Kingdom's has kindness all around.

[Imagine a world where no sin exists,
emotions restrained by blessings of bliss.
Proclaim regal rights bestowed upon thou,
In the Kingdom, Cleos, Kindness abounds.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
© Lorraine M Kanter  

Hi there Cleo  


Well done with your meter  As you mentioned meter I thought I would concentrate on that to start. All I have done is rearranged your words to fit the meter a little better. ( but remember I'm no expert!) I feel once the meter is smooth you can then think about word adjustments. Sorry I have not concentrated on following your punctuation.    

Well just my thoughts...use as you wish.

By the way, I love the message this poem of yours is giving      

Souds like a wonderful kingdom that I will thoroughly enjoy  

* Hugs *

Snow

[Guest__*]

Dear Cleo

I know Snow has done a detailed crit, but I read it several days ago, hence mine might overlap a little. Cleos sounds like an ideal place. Most of my suggestions are for beat/meter, some puncs, one or two rhymes seemed forced, or dare I say it, ungrammatical. Please take anything you like, ditch the rest !

Love
Alan

Imagine a world where Wizardry reigns,*
and* Kings are* crowned with comical names.
In this very realm, fairy godfathers fly,*
protecting Cleos, just this side of*  Nye.

King Poopee, in his kingdom, issues* decree :* (Can you amend Poopee - sounds like a child's word for youknowwhat)
“To woe is forbidden! This is my plea!
Those who will* not to abide by* this * law;
go south to the land of Evil One’s Claw!”

“There’ll be no shouting, name calling in vain!
No tears of sorrow, no reason for pain!
Bliss is for you, in my kingdom you’ll find,
King Poopee believes, tis best for our* kind.” (MANkind too grand ?)

Knight’s shields of Cleos,* worn bravely with pride,
dragons defending moats'* surface, outside,* (words rearranged for flow ?)
Wizards scrutinize the moods of the crowds*;  (both plural)
Foo dust is sprinkled by* fairies in clouds.

R*equest Foo dust, toss your troubles aside;
catching them, Good Fellas bring them to Nye.
Fair m*aidens bequeath tender nurturing love,
Dungeons hold ‘happy thoughts’ ne’er disposed of.

Imagine Cleos,* a world where no sins* exist*, (for meter)
emotions restrained by blessings of bliss.
Proclaim regal rights bestowed all around*,
In the Kingdom of* Cleos, Kindnesses* abound*. (for beat)

My only other Q is the use of CAPS for words like Kindness, Maiden.

Without edit marks :

Imagine a world where Wizardry reigns,
and Kings are crowned with comical names.
In this very realm, fairy godfathers fly,
protecting Cleos, just this side of Nye.

King Roopee, in his kingdom, issues decree :
“To woe is forbidden! This is my plea!
Those who will not to abide by this law;
go south to the land of Evil One’s Claw!”

“There’ll be no shouting, name calling in vain!
No tears of sorrow, no reason for pain!
Bliss is for you, in my kingdom you’ll find,
King Poopee believes, tis best for our kind.”

Knight’s shields of Cleos, worn bravely with pride,
dragons defending moats' surface, outside,
wizards scrutinize the moods of the crowds;  
Foo dust is sprinkled by fairies in clouds.

Request Foo dust, toss your troubles aside;
catching them, Good Fellas bring them to Nye.
Fair maidens bequeath tender nurturing love,
Dungeons hold ‘happy thoughts’ ne’er disposed of.

Imagine Cleos, a world where no sins exist,
emotions restrained by blessings of bliss.
Proclaim regal rights bestowed all around,
In the Kingdom of Cleos, Kindnesses abound.

[Cleo_Serapis]

The Kingdom of Cleos

Imagine here's a world where magic reigns;
true Kings are nobly crowned with comic names.
Wherein this fairy realm, God father's fly;
protecting Cleo's, one stride from old Nye.

[Imagine a world where Wizardry reigns;
Noble Kings crowned with comical names.
In this very realm, fairy godfathers fly;
protecting Cleos, just one stride from Nye.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

King Poopee in his kingdom, doth decree;
To woe's forbidden...this my heartfelt plea!
For those who choose they won't abide this law;
go south to Island of the Evil Claw.

[King Poopee, in his kingdom, doth decree;
“To woe is forbidden! This is my plea!
Those who choose not to abide this one law;
go south to the land of Evil One’s Claw!”]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There'll be no shouting, calling names in vain!
No tears of grief or reason to have pain!
My kingdom will be blissful, you will find
King Poopee trusts it's best for all mankind

[“There’ll be no shouting, name calling in vain!
No tears of sorrow, no reason for pain!
Bliss is for you, in my kingdom you’ll find,
King Poopee believes, Tis best for Mankind.”]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knight's sheilds of Cleo's bravely worn with pride;
as dragons of the moats, defend outside.
so Wizards scrutinize the moody crowds;
Foo dust is sprinkled from the fairy clouds.

[Knight’s shields of Cleos worn bravely with pride;
Moats surface dragons defending outside.
Wizards scrutinize the moods of the crowd;  
Foo dust is sprinkled from fairies in clouds.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bequest Foo dust to toss your cares aside;
and catch them fellas...bring them here to Nye.
Fair maids bequeath your tender nurt'ring love,
While dungeon's happy thoughts are felt above

[Bequest Foo dust, toss your troubles aside;
catching them, Good Fellas bring them to Nye.
Fair Maidens bequeath tender nurturing love,
Dungeons hold ‘happy thoughts’ ne’er disposed of.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Conceive a world where sin does not exist;
restrained emotions blessed with joyous bliss.
Proclaiming legal rights that may astound.
Cleo's Kingdom's has kindness all around.

[Imagine a world where no sin exists,
emotions restrained by blessings of bliss.
Proclaim regal rights bestowed upon thou,
In the Kingdom, Cleos, Kindness abounds.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
© Lorraine M Kanter  

Hi there Cleo  

Well done with your meter  As you mentioned meter I thought I would concentrate on that to start. All I have done is rearranged your words to fit the meter a little better. ( but remember I'm no expert!) I feel once the meter is smooth you can then think about word adjustments. Sorry I have not concentrated on following your punctuation.    

Well just my thoughts...use as you wish.

By the way, I love the message this poem of yours is giving      

Souds like a wonderful kingdom that I will thoroughly enjoy  

* Hugs *

Snow

Hi Snow!

Thanks for giving such care into the critique here! You are funny!  :jester:  :StarWars3:

I will definitely consider your ideas when I do my revisions (at some point in the future)

My muse actually turned the pen to paper here when I had been reading some shall we say 'depressing' things at another place in another time. I wanted to send a 'message' and this was the result....

Yes - wouldn't it be lovely to live in a world of no sins....

:love:
~Cleo  

[Cleo_Serapis]

Dear Cleo

I know Snow has done a detailed crit, but I read it several days ago, hence mine might overlap a little. Cleos sounds like an ideal place. Most of my suggestions are for beat/meter, some puncs, one or two rhymes seemed forced, or dare I say it, ungrammatical. Please take anything you like, ditch the rest !

Love
Alan

Imagine a world where Wizardry reigns,*
and* Kings are* crowned with comical names.
In this very realm, fairy godfathers fly,*
protecting Cleos, just this side of*  Nye.

King Poopee, in his kingdom, issues* decree :* (Can you amend Poopee - sounds like a child's word for youknowwhat)
“To woe is forbidden! This is my plea!
Those who will* not to abide by* this * law;
go south to the land of Evil One’s Claw!”

“There’ll be no shouting, name calling in vain!
No tears of sorrow, no reason for pain!
Bliss is for you, in my kingdom you’ll find,
King Poopee believes, tis best for our* kind.” (MANkind too grand ?)

Knight’s shields of Cleos,* worn bravely with pride,
dragons defending moats'* surface, outside,* (words rearranged for flow ?)
Wizards scrutinize the moods of the crowds*;  (both plural)
Foo dust is sprinkled by* fairies in clouds.

R*equest Foo dust, toss your troubles aside;
catching them, Good Fellas bring them to Nye.
Fair m*aidens bequeath tender nurturing love,
Dungeons hold ‘happy thoughts’ ne’er disposed of.

Imagine Cleos,* a world where no sins* exist*, (for meter)
emotions restrained by blessings of bliss.
Proclaim regal rights bestowed all around*,
In the Kingdom of* Cleos, Kindnesses* abound*. (for beat)

My only other Q is the use of CAPS for words like Kindness, Maiden.

Without edit marks :

Imagine a world where Wizardry reigns,
and Kings are crowned with comical names.
In this very realm, fairy godfathers fly,
protecting Cleos, just this side of Nye.

King Roopee, in his kingdom, issues decree :
“To woe is forbidden! This is my plea!
Those who will not to abide by this law;
go south to the land of Evil One’s Claw!”

“There’ll be no shouting, name calling in vain!
No tears of sorrow, no reason for pain!
Bliss is for you, in my kingdom you’ll find,
King Poopee believes, tis best for our kind.”

Knight’s shields of Cleos, worn bravely with pride,
dragons defending moats' surface, outside,
wizards scrutinize the moods of the crowds;  
Foo dust is sprinkled by fairies in clouds.

Request Foo dust, toss your troubles aside;
catching them, Good Fellas bring them to Nye.
Fair maidens bequeath tender nurturing love,
Dungeons hold ‘happy thoughts’ ne’er disposed of.

Imagine Cleos, a world where no sins exist,
emotions restrained by blessings of bliss.
Proclaim regal rights bestowed all around,
In the Kingdom of Cleos, Kindnesses abound.

Oooopsies!  :speechless: I hit "Edit" post instead of "Quote" post - and wondered where my reply just went????
All fixed now....  :dunce:

Here I go again.... :piggy:

Hi Alan.  :StarWars1:

You've also given me some great ideas to ponder when I can clear the 'to-do' and sit for the re-write. Yes - If I ditch the "comical" name part, then I will ditch "Poopie" which I did intentionally at the time..... ....


Thanks again!
:love:
~Cleo  :pharoah:

[Eisa]

Hi Lori

I just want you to know that I still love the ideas you have portrayed here

Snow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Hi Snow!

Thanks for giving such care into the critique here! You are funny!     Hehe!!...I am aren't I?

I will definitely consider your ideas when I do my revisions (at some point in the future)

My muse actually turned the pen to paper here when I had been reading some shall we say 'depressing' things at another place in another time.

I know just what you mean      

I wanted to send a 'message' and this was the result...

Well your message touched me .

Yes - wouldn't it be lovely to live in a world of no sins....

sure would!!
~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Lori

I just want you to know that I still love the ideas you have portrayed here

Snow

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Hi Snow!

Thanks for giving such care into the critique here! You are funny!     Hehe!!...I am aren't I?

I will definitely consider your ideas when I do my revisions (at some point in the future)

My muse actually turned the pen to paper here when I had been reading some shall we say 'depressing' things at another place in another time.

I know just what you mean      

I wanted to send a 'message' and this was the result...

Well your message touched me .

Yes - wouldn't it be lovely to live in a world of no sins....

sure would!!
~Cleo

Thanks Snow!

I'll have to come back and revisit this one!  :knight:

Hugaroooos!
~Cleo