Lightning Bolt... (changed title and finale), Three tweaks 31st. August 2009. Options

[Psyche]

Thank you Eisa and Leo for your crits, and all who gave thumbs up to this piece.



First Revision.

Thank you, Snow, for the nomination. And for all your help. And for everything...everybody.I've changed the title, but have about 24 hours to read further suggestions....

Lightning Bolt...

In a flash,
voracious walls
of weaving flames
swallow coniferous forests.

Fireballs arching
over brooks and waterfalls
ignite woodsheds, barns, homes.
Goats agonize
in russet glades,
their coats burning bright
under orange heights.

Darting flares
trigger new conflagrations,
whistling through
brittle undergrowth
cowed by enduring drought.

Ravens swoop
over towers of smoke,
gauging nature’s insatiable guts.

Hydroplanes hover
above the holocaust,
resembling paper projectiles
flung by fools.

Midget mortals
defying the inferno
retreat from their trenches.
Goliath gobbles
buttress and bulwark,
sandbanks and hoses,
bolts over black belted roads,
ultimately succumbing to Patagonia's
chain of mountain lakes.

A colossus has drowned
but will be reborn
in arcane arcs
over time’s infinite flow.

Moon sheds serpentine rays
on leagues of smoldering Andean
slopes and valleys.

A child cries.
Its mother prostrates herself
on warm cinders of her home.

I wander in frenzied silence
as tears sear my heart,
a bulk of pungent pine cones
coddled in my hapless hands.

A bolt of lightning...
or a tossed cigarette butt?

By Psyche

Changes: Added 'the' to holocaust. <<<<<< Thank you, Snow. Some articles are needed!
'...ultimately succumbing to Patagonia's' <<<<<< Thank you, Snow.
'wander' instead of 'perigrinate', penultimate stanza. <<<<<<< Thank you, Lori.

© Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2009.


ORIGINAL


Cigarette Butt

A voracious wall
of weaving flames
swallows coniferous forests
in a flash.

Fireballs arching
over brooks and waterfalls
ignite woodsheds, barns, homes.
Goats agonize in razed
ruby glades, their coats
burning bright under orange heights.

Darting flares
trigger new conflagrations,
whistling through
brittle undergrowth
cowed by enduring drought.

Ravens swoop
over towers of smoke,
gauging nature’s insatiable guts.

Hydroplanes hover
above holocaust,
resembling paper projectiles
flung by fools at infernos.

Midget mortals
retreat from their trenches;
Goliath gobbles
buttress and bulwark,
sandbanks and hoses,
bolts over black belted roads,
ultimately succumbs to Patagonian
chain of mountain lakes.

A colossus has drowned
but will be reborn
in arcane arcs
over time’s infinite flow.

Moon sheds serpentine rays
on leagues of smoldering Andean
slopes and valleys.

A child cries.
A mother prostrates herself
on warm cinders of her home.

I peregrinate in frenzied silence
as tears sear my heart,
a bulk of pungent pine cones
coddled in my hapless hands.

A tossed cigarette butt…?

By Psyche

© Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2009.

[Sekhmet]

Good Afternoon Psyche - Your poem depicts most vividly, a modern Dante's Inferno; full of fire and the stench of burning flesh. Your scenario rightly demands some startling images, and you give them to us aplenty.

I was particularly taken by the description of ...
Hydroplanes hover
above holocaust,
resembling paper projectiles
flung by fools at infernos.

I offer two suggestions for your consideration.
I can see why you would chose to use a red typeface - but it is stressful to the eye of the reader.
But then, my eyes are elderly; younger eyes would possibly love the flame brightness. If you wanted to use print to show something of the devastation - maybe a dark, charred ash grey typeface might be effective.

I have re-arranged the words of the last three lines of your second verse: It seems to flow a little smoother that way - but only you can judge.

Goats, in razed ruby glades,
agonize - their coats
burning bright under orange heights.

I am unused to 'critting' another person's work - so please ignore anything that displeases.
A good vibrant poem!
Leo

[Eisa]

Hi Syl

What a vivid picture you have painted here. When I first started reading, the bush fires in Australia came to mind.

On this read I can see nothing I would suggest to change, but I'll have to return to take it in. I love your words - many play together very well.

Hydroplanes hover
above holocaust,
resembling paper projectiles
flung by fools at infernos

Midget mortals
retreat from their trenches;
Goliath gobbles
buttress and bulwark,
sandbanks and hoses,
bolts over black belted roads,
ultimately succumbs to Patagonian
chain of mountain lakes.


I have also learned a new word 'peregrinate'

I like your ending which gets the reader thinking while asking that all important question.

Great stuff!!
Hugs
Snow

[vessq]

Hello Sylvia,

Not much help here. You are one of those writers whose work seems to suit me fine.

I will make a suggestion when I feel it might provide a material improvement.

Most of the time I am content to enjoy your poems.

Thanks for the poem. Write on.

Vess

[Psyche]

Dear Leo,

First things first: I have changed the irritating red font to a dark, ashy gray! I always write everything in blue or maybe green, even e.mails, with large font. My eyes are not much younger than yours, and I'm grateful that you pointed this out, since many people of all ages can have eye-trouble in this era of technology. I used red on some stupid impulse...sorry there!

I'm relieved that my poem is 'startling'. It was my intention. Fires devastate large areas of Argentina, it's so very sad. Reasons include vandalism, carelessness, children playing with matches, or flashes of lightning. Made far worse by the prolonged drought we're experiencing now.

Good Afternoon Psyche - Your poem depicts most vividly, a modern Dante's Inferno; full of fire and the stench of burning flesh. Your scenario rightly demands some startling images, and you give them to us aplenty.

I was particularly taken by the description of ...
Hydroplanes hover
above holocaust,
resembling paper projectiles
flung by fools at infernos.

Thank you, Leo. I'm not sure whether I should have used 'holocaust' and 'inferno' in this one S. This poem was written in a hurry. Do you think it's OK? I would like to use both terms, but in separate Ss.

I offer two suggestions for your consideration.
I can see why you would chose to use a red typeface - but it is stressful to the eye of the reader.
But then, my eyes are elderly; younger eyes would possibly love the flame brightness. If you wanted to use print to show something of the devastation - maybe a dark, charred ash grey typeface might be effective. DONE!!!

I have re-arranged the words of the last three lines of your second verse: It seems to flow a little smoother that way - but only you can judge.

Goats, in razed ruby glades,
agonize - their coats
burning bright under orange heights.

Yes, I was not happy with those lines. I think your suggestion is highly tempting..lol...I'll wait to see whether I get more comments before posting my rev.


I am unused to 'critting' another person's work - so please ignore anything that displeases.

Leo, please crit away to your heart's content. You write extremely well (I just saw your lament in the Short Story forum...will explain later), so your suggestions will be highly valued at MM. Keep in mind that poets are free to just say a polite "thank you"...!!!

A good vibrant poem!

A sincere thank you!
Psyche-Sylvia

Leo

[Psyche]

Hello Eisa!

Thank you. It's a real tragedy. Australia gets more press than Argentina, but we have bush fires, forest fires, prairie fires and even dance-hall fires in the cities, same as Australia & many other countries, the U.S. included. I believe Australia had/has a 2-year ongoing drought. I hope ours will 'only' last one year.

Paradoxically, we've now had torrential rains in some hilly areas, which have caused tragic mudslides that coverered a whole town, called Tartagal. I'm sure the details can be googled. The real reason is deforestation by huge corporations avid for our precious wood. But authorities deny it all and provide little help.

Hi Syl

What a vivid picture you have painted here. When I first started reading, the bush fires in Australia came to mind.

On this read I can see nothing I would suggest to change, but I'll have to return to take it in. I love your words - many play together very well.

Thank you, Eisa. Your return will be highly welcome.


Hydroplanes hover
above holocaust,
resembling paper projectiles
flung by fools at infernos

Midget mortals
retreat from their trenches;
Goliath gobbles
buttress and bulwark,
sandbanks and hoses,
bolts over black belted roads,
ultimately succumbs to Patagonian
chain of mountain lakes.


I have also learned a new word 'peregrinate'. <<<<<<It's quite usual in my country...lol...I knew it would cause wonder...

I like your ending which gets the reader thinking while asking that all important question.

Should I leave the question mark at the end? I had also thought of leaving it in suspension...

Great stuff!!

Tankee, as Lori would say!

Hugs
Snow

[Psyche]

Hi Vess!
It's great to know that one's work suits some people fine! Thank you. Do make suggestions if you feel they would improve anything at all.

I'm glad you enjoy my poems.
Thanks for the motivation.
Syl***

Hello Sylvia,

Not much help here. You are one of those writers whose work seems to suit me fine.

I will make a suggestion when I feel it might provide a material improvement.

Most of the time I am content to enjoy your poems.

Thanks for the poem. Write on.

Vess

[Psyche]

Hi Vess, again!

I just took a proper look at your profile and I want to say that I'm thoroughly impressed by your life-story. And how lucky we are that you decided to take up writing, for whatever reason. You give us a whole new vision from your neck of the woods, please keep 'em coming!

And yes, I understand the 'keep moving' bit. I have FMS and my own private rule is 'move...move...move...'. Wish I could go back to live in Patagonia, where I grew up, free as a bird... but things were tough, too....

Many hugs, Syl***

[Eisa]

Hi Syl -- I'm back!!!

Yes - the new colour is easier on the eyes! LOL!

I've just read your reply to my comments & have to agree that it is always Australia that is in the new with bush fires, but we hear very little about other areas. Nature can cause havoc, but I really liked your title Cigarette Butt as this throws out another explanation.

Here are a few more thoughts for you to consider - not necessarily better than what you have written, just food for thought!
Cigarette Butt

A voracious wall
of weaving flames
swallows coniferous forests
in a flash.

A wonderful opening stanza,giving a vivid picture. I'm just wondering if it might have more impact if the last line came first.

In a flash
a voracious wall
of weaving flames
swallows coniferous forests

Fireballs arching
over brooks and waterfalls
ignite woodsheds, barns, homes.
Goats agonize in razed
ruby glades, their coats
burning bright under orange heights.

I am interested in Leo's comment on the ending here & would like to offer another alternative.

In razed ruby glades,
goats agonize,
their coats burning bright
under orange heights.

Darting flares
trigger new conflagrations,
whistling through
brittle undergrowth
cowed by enduring drought.

Ravens swoop
over towers of smoke,
gauging nature’s insatiable guts.

Hydroplanes hover
above holocaust,
resembling paper projectiles
flung by fools at infernos.

Midget mortals
retreat from their trenches;
Goliath gobbles
buttress and bulwark,
sandbanks and hoses,
bolts over black belted roads,
ultimately succumbs to Patagonian
chain of mountain lakes.

A colossus has drowned
but will be reborn
in arcane arcs
over time’s infinite flow.

Moon sheds serpentine rays
on leagues of smoldering Andean
slopes and valleys.

A child cries.
[A] Its mother prostrates herself
on warm cinders of her home.

I peregrinate in frenzied silence
as tears sear my heart,
a bulk of pungent pine cones
coddled in my hapless hands.

A tossed cigarette butt…?

I cannot answer your question as to whether you leave the question mark at the end or remove it as I feel it would work either way, Syl

I hope something I've left might be of some help

Hugs
Snow

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Sylvia, am glad to see you've regained your muse. Usually the only forest fire we hear about are the ones in California, as they seem to get the bulk of them in the US. I had heard about the Australian ones, but you are correct in that I have heard no mention of Argentiana. You piece is very vivid, as I have fought a couple of small forest fires when I was younger. I have a very great fear of being burned. I will have to come back later with comments on specifics as I have been awake now for over 24 hours... had some trouble sleeping, had a lot on my mind, had a talk with my pulmanary doctor yesterday and didn't get very good news, so that is weighing on my mind. Clear cutting forest is a terrible thing especially when recycling is so low, sure seems a waste. I will be back, take care for now.
Steve

[Psyche]

Hi Steve,

It's very kind of you to comment here, Steve, in spite of your shaky health situation, for which I'm terribly sorry. Perhaps if you get some sleep, you'll see things in a better light tomorrow. 24-hour waking-stints are not favourable to any one, I know from experience.

Yes, I read about your fear of fire in, I believe, Pandora's Box challenges. You went into some deep reflections on life & death there, but I was unable to join in the discussion at the time.

Now I wrote to you separately when I read what you wrote in my thread here.

Yes, human beings are devastating the planet. It seems to me plain common sense to "take care of our garden", whether we believe in natural cycles and/or humanity's destructive bent. What humanity does is so evident, that even if there's the slightest doubt about the causes of climate change, we should still change our greedy ways, FAST.

I wish you all the best, Steve! Enjoy your wonderful family and take care of yourself a lot, even if it means leaving other duties aside for a while.
Hugs, Syl***

[merle]

Hello Syl - Over here in the USA we have devastating fires destroy thousands of acres of forests in the hills of California every year. Your poem vividly described every last burning ember. I don't have any crits but couldn't pass by this writing without giving you a thumbs-up.

Robin

[Psyche]

Hi Eisa!
Thank you for returning to comment. I believe I have enough material to post a rev. as soon as I have the time!

Hi Syl -- I'm back!!!

Yes - the new colour is easier on the eyes! LOL!

I've just read your reply to my comments & have to agree that it is always Australia that is in the new with bush fires, but we hear very little about other areas. Nature can cause havoc, but I really liked your title Cigarette Butt as this throws out another explanation.

Here are a few more thoughts for you to consider - not necessarily better than what you have written, just food for thought!
Cigarette Butt

A voracious wall
of weaving flames
swallows coniferous forests
in a flash.

A wonderful opening stanza,giving a vivid picture. I'm just wondering if it might have more impact if the last line came first.

[b]An interesting proposition. I'll certainly take this into account.

In a flash
a voracious wall
of weaving flames
swallows coniferous forests[/b]

Fireballs arching
over brooks and waterfalls
ignite woodsheds, barns, homes.
Goats agonize in razed
ruby glades, their coats
burning bright under orange heights.

I am interested in Leo's comment on the ending here & would like to offer another alternative.

In razed ruby glades,
goats agonize,
their coats burning bright
under orange heights.


Yes, this is a good version as well. I wasn't pleased with my own phrasing.

Darting flares
trigger new conflagrations,
whistling through
brittle undergrowth
cowed by enduring drought.

Ravens swoop
over towers of smoke,
gauging nature’s insatiable guts.

Hydroplanes hover
above holocaust,
resembling paper projectiles
flung by fools at infernos.

Midget mortals
retreat from their trenches;
Goliath gobbles
buttress and bulwark,
sandbanks and hoses,
bolts over black belted roads,
ultimately succumbs to Patagonian
chain of mountain lakes.

A colossus has drowned
but will be reborn
in arcane arcs
over time’s infinite flow.

Moon sheds serpentine rays
on leagues of smoldering Andean
slopes and valleys.

A child cries.
[A] Its mother prostrates herself
on warm cinders of her home.

Yes! Important correlation. Will do.

I peregrinate in frenzied silence
as tears sear my heart,
a bulk of pungent pine cones
coddled in my hapless hands.

A tossed cigarette butt…?

I cannot answer your question as to whether you leave the question mark at the end or remove it as I feel it would work either way, Syl

I hope something I've left might be of some help.

Yes, you've left excellent suggestions, Eisa. I shall have to deal with the finale on my own, if nobody else pops in!

Thank you very much, hugs, Syl***


Hugs
Snow [/b]

[Psyche]

Hello Robin!

Thanks for the thumbs-up! Yes, I always read about the forest fires in California. They're terrible.

In Argentina, this year we even had big fires in Tierra del Fuego. That's not so usual. So sad... The drought extended the whole length of our country, for an entire year.

I appreciate your visit,
cheers, Syl***

[Maggie]

Hi Sylvia,

This hits home for me for I am a life-long smoker. I'm very, very careful with the cigarette butts both inside and outside the house. I am sure you know there are numerous causes for forest fires, cigarette butts being less the cause than lightening strikes here in the US.

I am puzzled that cigarette smoking has become so tabu in the last ten years while cigar smoking has become quite an eletist fad. And pipe smoking still seems to be the mark of an intellectual or a Sherlock himself. Firewood sales seem to be holding too so not everyone objects to smoke inside the house.

Just a point or two to ponder.

Peggy

[Siren]

Syl,

I truly enjoyed reading this and the way the picture clears as the flames kick into full speed.

Need to come back for a more detailed comment.

Hugs
dani

[Psyche]

Hi Siren!

So glad to hear from you! Look forward to any nits you may have. Meanwhile, I shall be posting a 1st. rev.
Hugs, Syl***

[Psyche]

Hi Peggy,

You have a point about the cigar fad. A burning cigar thrown down carelessly would probably constitute a worse danger than a cigarett butt. Cigars burn for longer, don't they?

And yes, lightening strikes are a natural cause of forest fires, maybe the most frequent one. Nonetheless, vandalism is rampant in my country, Argentina, as well as carelessness. People enjoy barbecues in places where they should not even be allowed, but lawlessness abounds. And stupidity....I better not continue!
It's too sad.

It's all so complex, since even the prolonged droughts might be caused by man.

Thoughts to ponder, yes...

Hugs, Syl***

[Eisa]

Hey Syl

I like your revision, especially the change to 'russet glades' in St 2 - much more concise.

Hugs
Snow

[Psyche]

Thank you, Snow, what a relief. I felt that 'ruby' was overdoing it, and there's also such a thing as too much alliteration, I feel...

At the moment I'm trying to find out the English names of the trees that were burned down. I put coniferous just to get by, but apart from 'araucaria' (monkey puzzle tree), I don't find the others in the dictionary. I just thought I could fit some autoctonous species in some line or other...

Sadly, this week a new forest fire is burning hundreds of hectares in our Lanín National Park, a wondrous area with a perfectly cone-shaped volcano that can be seen from the freeways leagues away. The Lanín volcano looks just like an ice-cream cone, with snow on its peak the year round. Impressive.

Hugs, Syl***