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A Visitation to Valor, Free Verse |
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Aug 15 03, 10:30
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Mosaic Master
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A Visitation to Valor - Revised Jan 16 2005
Sunset breezes calm chaotic surroundings.
In my outdoor haven, nature’s melodies enhance a visitation to valor.
Drifting on clouds of my own creation, I succumb willingly to welcome daydreams.
~ ~ ~ ~
The drawbridge lowers welcoming citizens to the king’s castle.
Oak-smoked aromas tantalize a ravenous convergence of knights.
Fair maidens flirt flamboyantly, eager to mesmerize a prospect pairing.
Flutes flutter and drums dance to renaissance rhythms.
“Would you care to dance, m'lady?” asks the victorious champion.
Elated, I reply, “It would be my honor, kind sir knight.”
I close my eyes to carry on this wistful reverie and smile.
© Lorraine M Kanter
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest__*
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Aug 15 03, 17:33
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Guest
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Dear Cleo
I knew there was something :
A visitation is something you RECEIVE.
I think you mean plain and simple VISIT ?
Love Alan
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Aug 16 03, 07:34
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Mosaic Master
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QUOTE(Alan @ Aug. 15 2003, 18:33) Dear Cleo
I knew there was something :
A visitation is something you RECEIVE.
I think you mean plain and simple VISIT ?
Love Alan :knight:
Hmmmm- I went with visitation cuz in my Oxford dic, it describes it as: "an official visit or tour"...
In daydream world, this seems to fit to me? Making a visit to valor? I will think on this a bit more....
Thanks for stopping in! Cheers... Cleo :tut:
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Aug 16 03, 07:37
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Mosaic Master
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Aug 22 03, 08:56
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QUOTE(Cleo_Serapis @ Aug. 15 2003, 10:30) A Visitation to Valor
Sunset breezes calm chaotic scenery. In my outdoor haven, Nature’s melodies enhance a visitation to valor.
Drifting on clouds of my own creation, I succumb benignly to subservient daydreams.
~ ~ ~ ~
The drawbridge lowers welcoming citizens to the King’s Castle.
Aromas of hickory smoked banquets tantalize a ravenous convergence of Knights.
Fair Maidens flirt flamboyantly, eager to mesmerize a prospect pairing.
Flutes flutter and drums dance to the rhythm of renaissance.
“Would you care to dance, M'lady?”, asks the victor of the joust.
Elated, I reply, “It would be my honor, kind Sir Knight.”
I close my eyes to carry on the dream in sleep, and smile.
© Lorraine M Kanter Hey Cleo~
I enjoyed reading you imaginative medieval tale of valor and dance, as it flows with such creativity.
Awesome job, Lori.
In love~ Aphrodite (Lindi)
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Aug 23 03, 07:03
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Mosaic Master
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QUOTE(Athena @ Aug. 19 2003, 04:52) Lori, Lori, lori,
What an "surprising" delight!
Of course I jest as your subject matter is most expected and your wee tale is a delight! I enjoyed every word. Hmmmmmm maybe more of us should invest a bit of time in writing poems and stories about people who lived in ancient times.
Of course I jest in aluding to your poetry, which is always sooo good! This is another one, gal! A super dooper one!
A good read! Thanks for sharing!
Blessings, Athena/Dolly Why hello Athena! :lovie:
Tee hee :blush: :blush: :blush: :blush: :angel: You are such an Angel! Thankies! :dance: :jester:
Glad you got into this one - this was actually one of the first I wrote at PK whcih gave me the idea to research more of the "ancient cities and peoples".....
I had planned to re-create this one into a short story, just haven't as of yet..... A good project, yes?
HUGS! ~Cleo :pharoah:
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Aug 23 03, 07:07
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Mosaic Master
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jun 19 04, 08:52
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Mosaic Master
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*bump*
Hoping to receive NEW crits on this one....
Thanks! ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jun 19 04, 10:10
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Hello Cleo,
I ought to disqualify myself from commenting on free verse – it is an area I haven’t explored, only dabbled in. Therefore, I’m not a good judge of the form.
I’d like, nonetheless, to make a coupla observations. Foist, re the title – I went with the first comment, checked my dictionary and found that it is, in fact, a correct noun, even having humorous overtones when applied. My thoughts for revision were replaced by thoughts of keeping it intact.
In V1, I believe that “scenery” is not the best choice of word to go with “chaotic”. The two are almost opposed, and a substitute would not take anything away from the imagery. “Surroundings”, for example, would fit since we are not concerned with meter.
“Nature’s” doesn’t rate a capital here; if so, then at least another half dozen or more words should have equal billing. (valor, visitation, melodies, etc.)
On to V3, “King’s Castle” doesn’t rate caps unless it is a place name, at which time “the” is superfluous. Unless it is King John’s castle, “king” is just any old king… no cap. Ibid in V4 for “Knights”. Ibid for “Maidens”, V5.
V4, I’m wondering if a hyphenated “hickory-smoked” would eliminate the thought of a “smoked banquet”?
In V6, you could easily eliminate “the + of” to go with “renaissance rhythm” and still pass muster.
V7, no cap for "M’lady" unless that is her name. No comma after the ? either. Ibid in V8 for “Sir Knight”. It would be interesting here to have a name for the jouster.
V9 is the one I would get the tool chest out for. “carry on the dream in sleep”… as opposed to _ _ _ It’s a daydream; to become a dream would require sleep. A modifier could really bring life to the sentence. The floating dream, the wishful dream, this wistful dream… or… even nightmare, vision, fantasy, reverie, castle in the sky, trance, - or if the banquet was really smoked out – hallucination!
I enjoyed your reverie. Had I not, I would not have commented. Please feel free to discard any of the above that does not apply to your style.
Best
Merlin
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Jan 12 05, 17:24
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Mosaic Master
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Hello Merlin and apologies for such a tardy reply!
I enjoyed reading all your thoughts and suggestions for this piece, at the time - I believe it was only my second free verse atempt (the first one called "Snowfall").
I have incorporated all your suggestions and feel you've made this one a tad smoother and more punctually accurate.
Thanks so much kind sir.... :knight:
Cheers! ~Cleo :cheer:
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_Jox_*
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Jan 12 05, 17:39
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Guest
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Hi Lori,
This is interesting - must be one of the first things which you posted on MM.
I'm still thinking about it. Certainly the wording is beautifully tight - no problems there. Just trying to understand some things.
Perhaps you'd explain this, please:
I succumb benignly to subservient daydreams.
An interesting oxymotron but I'm a little stumped?
Cheers, James.
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Guest_Toumai_*
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Jan 13 05, 02:54
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Guest
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Hi Cleo,
Summer daydreams to soothe us in the middle of our winter bleakness: lovely. I feel all warm and mellow ... until I open my eyes again.
I'm not sure why
I succumb benignly to subservient daydreams
is necessarily an oxymoron, James. I read it that the narator is content to be drawn into dreaming - drifting on clouds of my own creation; perhaps
I succumb willingly to subservient daydreams
might make that more obvious?
There is some flabulously flirtatious alliteration Fair maidens flirt flamboyantly, eager to mesmerize a prospect pairing
A couple of nits:
Hickory-smoked aromas
sounds - to me (a Brit) - like an American barbecue cook-out. Knights and fair maidens would be more European and (she whispers, cos she might be wrong) I don't think they have/had hickory as such. We do often have 'oak-smoked', though, which has nice alliteration.
the victor of the joust
is a bit of a mouthful and might shorten to
the victorious champion
since (if I remember my history) each lady would choose a "champion" and bestow her "favour" (perhaps a colored ribbon) on him. In a modern variation, last time we visited Warwick Castle, there was a fabulous jousting display (coreographed, of course, so no one is going to get killed) and the "good" knight rode around the edge of the "lists" and ladies in the crowd bestowed their favours and he seemed to be riding around with a few bits of underwear danging from his lance ... more like a rock concert, I guess. Thanks for the summer breezes, Fran
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Guest_Jox_*
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Jan 13 05, 02:58
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Guest
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Hi Fran.
Oxymoron because how can one succumb to something which is subserient?
If one succumbs, the thing to which one succumbs cannot be subservient, ipso facto, can it? It has then taken a dominent role, surely?
That's also why I could not understand this.
That's all.
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Guest_Toumai_*
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Jan 13 05, 03:02
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Guest
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Hi James, But if you are willing to submit, would that be different? We shall have to let Cleo decide, lol. Cheers, Fran
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Guest_Jox_*
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Jan 13 05, 03:08
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Guest
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Hi Fran, I disagree.
If one submits to something - whatever the motivation - then surely that something becomes dominent?
Whatever Lori meant is aside of that - the reason I didn't understand what she meant was that it seemes to me to be an oxymoron. Now Lori can say what she likes, of course, but I cannot see the words as given mean what you suggest she means - even if you're right about her intentions.
J.
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Jan 13 05, 06:28
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Mosaic Master
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Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE(Jox @ Jan. 12 2005, 17:39) Hi Lori,
This is interesting - must be one of the first things which you posted on MM.
I'm still thinking about it. Certainly the wording is beautifully tight - no problems there. Just trying to understand some things.
Perhaps you'd explain this, please:
I succumb benignly to subservient daydreams.
An interesting oxymotron but I'm a little stumped?
Cheers, James. Hello James!
To answer your question:
Drifting on clouds of my own creation, I succumb benignly {gently} to subservient (acquiescent) daydreams.
Does that help you?
Cheers! Cleo :pharoah:
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jan 14 05, 06:23
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
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Real Name: Lori Kanter
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Referred By:Imhotep
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QUOTE(Toumai @ Jan. 13 2005, 02:54) Hi Cleo,
Summer daydreams to soothe us in the middle of our winter bleakness: lovely. I feel all warm and mellow ... until I open my eyes again.
I'm not sure why
I succumb benignly to subservient daydreams
is necessarily an oxymoron, James. I read it that the narator is content to be drawn into dreaming - drifting on clouds of my own creation; perhaps
I succumb willingly to subservient daydreams
might make that more obvious?
There is some flabulously flirtatious alliteration Fair maidens flirt flamboyantly, eager to mesmerize a prospect pairing
A couple of nits:
Hickory-smoked aromas
sounds - to me (a Brit) - like an American barbecue cook-out. Knights and fair maidens would be more European and (she whispers, cos she might be wrong) I don't think they have/had hickory as such. We do often have 'oak-smoked', though, which has nice alliteration.
the victor of the joust
is a bit of a mouthful and might shorten to
the victorious champion
since (if I remember my history) each lady would choose a "champion" and bestow her "favour" (perhaps a colored ribbon) on him. In a modern variation, last time we visited Warwick Castle, there was a fabulous jousting display (coreographed, of course, so no one is going to get killed) and the "good" knight rode around the edge of the "lists" and ladies in the crowd bestowed their favours and he seemed to be riding around with a few bits of underwear danging from his lance ... more like a rock concert, I guess. Thanks for the summer breezes, Fran Hello Fran! :rainbow:
Thanks so much for your feedback! :sun:
Yes - I like your choice here of:
I succumb willingly to subservient daydreams - now if I can find a word possibly that starts with 'w' to replace 'subservient'?
Oak-smoked it shall be along with victorious champion methinks. :pharoah2
Thanks again! :cloud9: ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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