The Hauntings ~ Part I, "Set Me Free ..." Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

The Hauntings ~ Part I

Set Me Free ...

I placed my hand against the cold, mossy stone wall.  As I passed my fingers across the words Set me free ... a vision flashed into my mind, instilling terror to my very core.  Lying on a mottled platform was a pulsating heart, dripping blood.  Bright red teardrops would form, hang in suspension, then drop; the surface beneath stained mahogany.  

I clutched my hand to my chest as though I'd been burned, still feeling the heated sensation as I rubbed my flesh.  Sensing a presence I glanced around and realized that anyone could be hiding in this remote spot of the cemetary.  This particular stone was set in a corner of the property and was almost completely obscured by maples, pine trees and various shrubs.  The ground was a thick bed of fallen needles that blanketed all sound and there was a cool dampness in the air that seeped into my clothes, caused by the denseness of the foliage.  I wasn't even sure what had drawn me to this place, especially today of all days - October 31.  

I couldn't hear anything but I still had the feeling that someone or something was nearby, in distress.  The lighting was dusk-like, you know, the time between when the sun first goes down and when it gets really dark.  I turned my attention back to the stone edifice in front of me, frightened yet curious as to the vision I had seen.  What did it mean?  I didn't even know this person and yet here I stood.  

Swallowing hard, I reached out; hesitantly drew back, then reached further.  Taking a deep breath, I placed my fingertips upon the inscription again.  

Choking and gasping for air I stumbled back about three steps.  Words being whispered ... Set me free - set me free - set me free ... became a mournful chant, their rhythm matching the frantic pounding in my chest.  The trees began shaking ... but there was no wind.  No wind!  Suddenly I heard a vicious grating - stone against stone - and realized that the lid of this "coffin" was moving, slowly being pushed to the side about to reveal its contents.  The stench was horrendous, making me want to heave.  Everything turned pitch-black; sky, trees, ground, even my hands; the darkness was so profound. The chant became louder as though drawing nearer and I turned to run.  

Damn if I didn't get caught in prickly arms and low-hanging branches; pine needles and twigs catching at my shirt and scratching my arms.  I squeezed my eyes shut tight fearing what was next.  The words became louder and louder, until I realized that I was screaming them while trying to get free!  A hand touched my face ...

I opened my eyes to mom and dad holding me down on the bed, shirt loose and torn from my struggles, someone on the radio singing Set Me Free ... and pine needles clinging to my shoes!

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Sept2005

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

Ooh a scary Halloween story and I thought my nightmare was bad.  Creepy graveyard happenings and the question was it a dream or not and if so how did her clothes get torn and the pine needles on her shoes.  How did she get back into bed if it wasn't a dream?

A few suggestions

[add] {delete} (comment)

HAUNTED

Set Me Free ...

I placed my hand against the cold, mossy stone wall (was it a wall or a gravestone?).  As I passed my fingers across the words Set me free ... a vision flashed into my mind, instilling terror to my very core.  Lying on a mottled platform was a pulsating heart, dripping blood.  Bright red teardrops would form, hang in suspension, then drop; the surface beneath stained mahogany (this doesn't quite make sense.  Do you mean staining the mahogany surface below?)  

I clutched my hand to my chest as though I'd been burned, still feeling the {heated}[seering] sensation as I rubbed my flesh.  Sensing a presence I glanced around and realized that anyone could be hiding in this remote spot of the cemet{a}[e]ry.  This particular stone was set in a corner of the property and was almost completely obscured by maples, pine trees and various shrubs.  The ground was a thick bed of fallen needles that blanketed all sound and there was a cool dampness in the air that seeped into my clothes, caused by the denseness of the foliage (can dense foliage cause a dampness in the air?).  I wasn't even sure what had drawn me to this place, especially today of all days - October 31.  

I couldn't hear anything but {I} still had the feeling that someone or something was nearby, in distress.  The lighting was dusk-like, you know, the time between when the sun first goes down and when it gets really dark.  I turned my attention back to the stone edifice in front of me, frightened yet curious as to the vision I had seen.  What did it mean?  I didn't even know this person and yet here I stood.  

Swallowing hard, I reached out; hesitantly drew back, then reached further.  Taking a deep breath, I placed my fingertips upon the inscription again.  

Choking and gasping for air I stumbled back {about} three steps.  Words being whispered ... Set me free - set me free - set me free ... became a mournful chant, their rhythm matching the frantic pounding in my chest.  The trees {began shaking}[shook] ... but there was no wind.  No wind!  Suddenly I heard a vicious grating - stone against stone - and realized that the lid of this "coffin" was moving, slowly being pushed to the side about to reveal its contents.  The stench was horrendous, making me want to heave.  Everything turned pitch-black; sky, trees, ground, even my hands; the darkness was so profound. The chant became louder as though drawing nearer and I turned to run.  

Damn {if I didn't get caught}[I got caught up] in prickly arms and low-hanging branches; pine needles and twigs catching at my shirt and scratching my arms.  I squeezed my eyes shut tight fearing what was next.  The words became louder and louder, until I realized that I was {screaming }[shouting] them while trying to get free!  A hand touched my face (perhaps here you could add  I screamed as no doubt one would if having a hand touching one's face) ...

I opened my eyes[.] {to m}[M]om and dad [were]{ holding me down}[restraining me] on the bed{,}[.] [My] shirt [was]loose and torn {from my struggle, someone on the radio [was] singing Set Me Free ... and pine needles {clinging}[clung] to my shoes! (was she still wearing her shoes in bed?)

thanks for the read.  A story to be told in the half light on halloween

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Cathy,

Great to see you posting in prose!

HAUNTED

Set Me Free ...

I placed my hand against the cold, mossy stone wall. As I passed {my} fingers across the words Set me free ... a vision flashed into my mind, instilling terror {to my very core}(cliché). Lying on a mottled platform was a pulsating heart, dripping blood. Bright red teardrops would form, hang in suspension, then drop; the surface beneath stained mahogany.

(Wow brill first para (save the small cliché) - great stuff!)

I clutched my hand to my chest as though I'd been burned, still feeling {the heated} [a] sensation [of heat] as I rubbed {my flesh}. Sensing a presence[,] I glanced around and realized that anyone could be hiding in this remote {spot}[area] of the {cemetary} [cemetery]. {This particular}["My"] stone was set in a corner[,] {of the property and was} almost {completely} obscured by maples, pine trees and {various} shrubs. The ground was {a} thick [with] {bed of} fallen needles that {blanketed}  [smothered] all sound[.] {and} there was a cool dampness in the air {that}[which] seeped into my clothes, caused by the denseness of the foliage (sentence structure incorrect - please see below). I wasn't {even} sure what had drawn me to this place{,}[;] especially today of all days - October 31.

("complete" is an absolute - can't be "almost completely" - anyway unnecessary)

Suggestion for above para:

I clutched my hand to my chest as though I'd been burned, still feeling a sensation of heat as I rubbed. Sensing a presence, I glanced around and realized that anyone could be hiding in this remote area of the cemetery. "My" stone was set in a corner, almost obscured by maples, pine trees and shrubs. The ground was thick with fallen needles that smothered all sound. There was a cool dampness in the air, caused by the denseness of the foliage, which seeped into my clothes. I wasn't sure what had drawn me to this place; especially today of all days - October 31.

=======

I couldn't hear anything but I still had the feeling that someone or something {was nearby,} in distress [was near]. The lighting was dusk[y]{-like, you know,} the time between when the {s}[S]un first goes down and when it {gets} really dark. I turned my attention back to the stone edifice in front of me, frightened[,] yet curious as to the vision I had seen. What did it mean? I didn't {even} know this person[,] {and} yet here I stood.

(First sentence again has structural problems. Don't interrupt the point you're making to make another then return to it if you can avoid such. If you have to do it use a sub-clause. In the above case "was nearby" is different information - make the distress point then the proximity point.)

("You know" is dreadful speech, let along writing. It was a phrase beloved of Tony Blair (UK PM) before they managed to stop him. Avoid it!)

(Avoid "get", "got" and "getting" - and "gotten" in the US - all horrid, generalist, useless  words)

(dusk-like: yuk - dusky far better)

(Avoid "and" unless really necessary or it will break out like measles)

Suggestion for above para:

I couldn't hear anything but I still had the feeling that someone or something in distress was near. The lighting was dusky - like the time between when the Sun descends and when it is really dark. I turned my attention back to the stone edifice in front of me, frightened, yet curious as to the vision I had seen. What did it mean? I didn't  know this person, yet here I stood.

==

Swallowing hard, I reached out; hesitantly drew back, then reached further. Taking a deep breath, I placed my fingertips upon the inscription again.

Choking and gasping for air I stumbled back {about} three steps. Words being whispered ... Set me free - set me free - set me free ... became a mournful chant, their rhythm matching the frantic pounding in my chest. {The} trees began shaking ... but there was no wind. No wind! Suddenly I heard a vicious grating - stone against stone - and realized that the lid of this "coffin" was moving, slowly being pushed {to the side}[aside] {about} to reveal its contents. The stench was horrendous, making me want to heave. Everything turned pitch-black{;}[:] sky, trees, ground, even my hands; the darkness was so profound. The chant became louder as though drawing nearer and I turned to run.

(V good - best para so far)

{Damn if I didn't get} [I was] caught in prickly arms {and}[of] low-hanging branches; pine needles and twigs catching at my shirt and scratching my arms. I squeezed my eyes shut {tight} fearing what was next. The words became louder and louder, until I realized that I was screaming them while trying to (get free}[escape]! (split paragraph for impact) A hand touched my face ...

I opened my eyes to {m}[M]om and {d}[D]ad holding me {down} on the bed{,}[;] shirt loose and torn from my struggles, someone on the radio singing Set Me Free ... and pine needles clinging to my shoes!

(Great ending)

N.B. You have extensively used exposition here (tell) and you may find that producing a second draft in the third person (she did this etc) will enable you to show her reactions more. It can well be done in the first person, too. Here is my (weak) attempt at doing that with one of your paras...

I felt the prickly arms of low-hanging branches ensnare me, ripping at my shirt and then again at my arms. I saw my flesh bloody and tear, though I feet nothing but fear. Pine needles and twigs caught in my torn shirt and scratched those few areas of skin which survived the first onslaught. I squeezed my eyes shut, terrified at what would be next. The words became louder, taking-over all my thoughts. Suddenly! I realized it was I screaming them, trying to escape!

A hand touched my face ...

-----
Well done Cathy; I enjoyed this. Your prose style is very good - just a few technical aspects to look at. Thanks for the read. Next?

J.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Nina,

Ooh a scary Halloween story and I thought my nightmare was bad.  Creepy graveyard happenings and the question was it a dream or not and if so how did her clothes get torn and the pine needles on her shoes.  How did she get back into bed if it wasn't a dream?

Hmmm... I wonder?

A few suggestions

[add] {delete} (comment)

HAUNTED

Set Me Free ...

I placed my hand against the cold, mossy stone wall (was it a wall or a gravestone?). It's a rectangular stone something or other that covers the casket above ground.  I don't know what it's called!  As I passed my fingers across the words Set me free ... a vision flashed into my mind, instilling terror to my very core.  Lying on a mottled platform was a pulsating heart, dripping blood.  Bright red teardrops would form, hang in suspension, then drop; the surface beneath stained mahogany (this doesn't quite make sense.  Do you mean staining the mahogany surface below?)  Mahogany was used as a color describing the blood stains on the stone surface

I clutched my hand to my chest as though I'd been burned, still feeling the {heated}[seering]I like! sensation as I rubbed my flesh.  Sensing a presence I glanced around and realized that anyone could be hiding in this remote spot of the cemet{a}[e]ry. OOOOPS! This particular stone was set in a corner of the property and was almost completely obscured by maples, pine trees and various shrubs.  The ground was a thick bed of fallen needles that blanketed all sound and there was a cool dampness in the air that seeped into my clothes, caused by the denseness of the foliage (can dense foliage cause a dampness in the air?).I should drop that part.  I wasn't even sure what had drawn me to this place, especially today of all days - October 31.  

I couldn't hear anything but {I} still had the feeling that someone or something was nearby, in distress.  The lighting was dusk-like, you know, the time between when the sun first goes down and when it gets really dark.  I turned my attention back to the stone edifice in front of me, frightened yet curious as to the vision I had seen.  What did it mean?  I didn't even know this person and yet here I stood.  

Swallowing hard, I reached out; hesitantly drew back, then reached further.  Taking a deep breath, I placed my fingertips upon the inscription again.  

Choking and gasping for air I stumbled back {about} three steps.  Words being whispered ... Set me free - set me free - set me free ... became a mournful chant, their rhythm matching the frantic pounding in my chest.  The trees {began shaking}[shook] ... but there was no wind.  No wind!  Suddenly I heard a vicious grating - stone against stone - and realized that the lid of this "coffin" was moving, slowly being pushed to the side about to reveal its contents.  The stench was horrendous, making me want to heave.  Everything turned pitch-black; sky, trees, ground, even my hands; the darkness was so profound. The chant became louder as though drawing nearer and I turned to run.  

Damn {if I didn't get caught}[I got caught up] in prickly arms and low-hanging branches; pine needles and twigs catching at my shirt and scratching my arms.  I squeezed my eyes shut tight fearing what was next.  The words became louder and louder, until I realized that I was {screaming }[shouting] them while trying to get free!  A hand touched my face (perhaps here you could add  I screamed as no doubt one would if having a hand touching one's face) ... Good idea! Thanks!

I opened my eyes[.] {to m}[M]om and dad [were]{ holding me down}[restraining me] on the bed{,}[.] [My] shirt [was]loose and torn {from my struggle, someone on the radio [was] singing Set Me Free ... and pine needles {clinging}[clung] to my shoes! (was she still wearing her shoes in bed?)  Strange ... isn't it? LOL

thanks for the read.  A story to be told in the half light on halloween

Thanks for the help Nina!
Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi James,

Great to see you posting in prose!

Thanks!

HAUNTED

Set Me Free ...

I placed my hand against the cold, mossy stone wall. As I passed {my} fingers across the words Set me free ... a vision flashed into my mind, instilling terror {to my very core}(cliché).  :cop: LOL Lying on a mottled platform was a pulsating heart, dripping blood. Bright red teardrops would form, hang in suspension, then drop; the surface beneath stained mahogany.

(Wow brill first para (save the small cliché) - great stuff!)

Thank you!

I clutched my hand to my chest as though I'd been burned, still feeling {the heated} [a] sensation [of heat] as I rubbed {my flesh}. Sensing a presence[,] I glanced around and realized that anyone could be hiding in this remote {spot}[area] of the {cemetary} [cemetery]Oooops. {This particular}["My"] stone was set in a corner[,] {of the property and was} almost {completely} obscured by maples, pine trees and {various} shrubs. The ground was {a} thick [with] {bed of} fallen needles that {blanketed}  [smothered] all sound[.] {and} there was a cool dampness in the air {that}[which] seeped into my clothes, caused by the denseness of the foliage (sentence structure incorrect - please see below). I wasn't {even} sure what had drawn me to this place{,}[;] especially today of all days - October 31.

("complete" is an absolute - can't be "almost completely" - anyway unnecessary)

Suggestion for above para:

I clutched my hand to my chest as though I'd been burned, still feeling a sensation of heat as I rubbed. Sensing a presence, I glanced around and realized that anyone could be hiding in this remote area of the cemetery. "My" stone was set in a corner, almost obscured by maples, pine trees and shrubs. The ground was thick with fallen needles that smothered all sound. There was a cool dampness in the air, caused by the denseness of the foliage, which seeped into my clothes. I wasn't sure what had drawn me to this place; especially today of all days - October 31.

=======

I couldn't hear anything but I still had the feeling that someone or something {was nearby,} in distress [was near]. The lighting was dusk[y]{-like, you know,} the time between when the {s}[S]un first goes down and when it {gets} really dark. I turned my attention back to the stone edifice in front of me, frightened[,] yet curious as to the vision I had seen. What did it mean? I didn't {even} know this person[,] {and} yet here I stood.

(First sentence again has structural problems. Don't interrupt the point you're making to make another then return to it if you can avoid such. If you have to do it use a sub-clause. In the above case "was nearby" is different information - make the distress point then the proximity point.)

("You know" is dreadful speech, let along writing. It was a phrase beloved of Tony Blair (UK PM) before they managed to stop him. Avoid it!)

(Avoid "get", "got" and "getting" - and "gotten" in the US - all horrid, generalist, useless  words)

(dusk-like: yuk - dusky far better)

(Avoid "and" unless really necessary or it will break out like measles)

Thanks for the English lesson.  I could use a refresher course! LOL

Suggestion for above para:

I couldn't hear anything but I still had the feeling that someone or something in distress was near. The lighting was dusky - like the time between when the Sun descends and when it is really dark. I turned my attention back to the stone edifice in front of me, frightened, yet curious as to the vision I had seen. What did it mean? I didn't  know this person, yet here I stood.

==

Swallowing hard, I reached out; hesitantly drew back, then reached further. Taking a deep breath, I placed my fingertips upon the inscription again.

Choking and gasping for air I stumbled back {about} three steps. Words being whispered ... Set me free - set me free - set me free ... became a mournful chant, their rhythm matching the frantic pounding in my chest. {The} trees began shaking ... but there was no wind. No wind! Suddenly I heard a vicious grating - stone against stone - and realized that the lid of this "coffin" was moving, slowly being pushed {to the side}[aside] {about} to reveal its contents. The stench was horrendous, making me want to heave. Everything turned pitch-black{;}[:] sky, trees, ground, even my hands; the darkness was so profound. The chant became louder as though drawing nearer and I turned to run.

(V good - best para so far)

Thanks again!

{Damn if I didn't get} [I was] caught in prickly arms {and}[of] low-hanging branches; pine needles and twigs catching at my shirt and scratching my arms. I squeezed my eyes shut {tight} fearing what was next. The words became louder and louder, until I realized that I was screaming them while trying to (get free}[escape]! (split paragraph for impact) A hand touched my face ...

I opened my eyes to {m}[M]om and {d}[D]ad holding me {down} on the bed{,}[;] shirt loose and torn from my struggles, someone on the radio singing Set Me Free ... and pine needles clinging to my shoes!

(Great ending)

Thanks!

N.B. You have extensively used exposition here (tell) and you may find that producing a second draft in the third person (she did this etc) will enable you to show her reactions more. It can well be done in the first person, too. Here is my (weak) attempt at doing that with one of your paras...

I felt the prickly arms of low-hanging branches ensnare me, ripping at my shirt and then again at my arms. I saw my flesh bloody and tear, though I feet nothing but fear. Pine needles and twigs caught in my torn shirt and scratched those few areas of skin which survived the first onslaught. I squeezed my eyes shut, terrified at what would be next. The words became louder, taking-over all my thoughts. Suddenly! I realized it was I screaming them, trying to escape!

Much more descriptive than mine!  Ok I have some work to do.  :pumpkin:

A hand touched my face ...

-----
Well done Cathy; I enjoyed this. Your prose style is very good - just a few technical aspects to look at. Thanks for the read. Next?

Thank you James; for the compliments and the in-depth crit.  Your suggestions have helped tighten it up and gave me some ideas for revision so I'm off to work.
Cathy

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Cathy,

You're very welcome, my pleasure.

"Thanks for the English lesson.  I could use a refresher course! LOL"

Sorry! :) - once an English teacher, always an English teach, I suppose! (Though I still often make errors or am in ignorance, myself).

Cheers, J.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Oh that's right, you were a teacher!  I had forgotten that!  LOL

I'm ready to take this one back to the workshop for repairs.

Back later!
Cathy

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Cathy,

What a wonderfully spooky and scary story; glad I read it first in the daytime (though now it is a dark and stormy night, lol).    

The story is very strong and I see Nina and James have given you some suggestions for honing the phrasing a little.

Hmm ...
There was a cool dampness in the air, caused by the denseness of the foliage, which seeped into my clothes
(No wonder the MC is uncomfortable with that dense foliage seeping into her clothing, James)

I'm a bit wary of your ending ("it was all a dream") but you get away it because of the pine needles on her shoes

Fran

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Fran,

What a wonderfully spooky and scary story; glad I read it first in the daytime (though now it is a dark and stormy night, lol).

Thank you!  Just don't go into any cemeteries!  LOL    

The story is very strong and I see Nina and James have given you some suggestions for honing the phrasing a little.

Yep, they've been very helpful!

Hmm ...
There was a cool dampness in the air, caused by the denseness of the foliage, which seeped into my clothes
(No wonder the MC is uncomfortable with that dense foliage seeping into her clothing, James)

I don't know what this is about but I'm working on that line. LOL

I'm a bit wary of your ending ("it was all a dream") but you get away it because of the pine needles on her shoes

Makes ya wonder doesn't it? LOL

Thanks for the read and comments Fran!
Cathy