An Autumn Ruse Options

[Michelle]

***With edits - thank you Alan & Dove


O’ Autumn, why abandon nature’s flow,
elope with summer’s lunacy in June,
neglectful of the merit that is due
in decomposing death to feed the new?

A span of murky gray succumbs to blue,
in radiance the frost protracts as dew
and glistens on the foliage still confused
as semi-supple brown attempts to grow.

The morning dawns upon a southern skew;
no twitter greets this mocking summer day,
but honks from airborne geese, arrowed away,
undaunted by the ruse of Autumn’s stray.

A lukewarm breeze supplants fall’s crispy blow;
the feel of spring without the scented show.
Wry musk of sun-baked mud and sludge billows
from thirsty bogs, for wetlands dry as clay.

An apple cider jug ensnares the sun,
to steep a nectar stewed in amber glare.
I give a toast, and mouth a silent prayer
to soften winter for those unprepared.







***I realize that 'billows' isn't iambic  - is the bump too much?***

[AMETHYST]

Hello Michelle


This is beautiful! If you don't mind, I have copied and pasted to look over it with a more closer eye. Although, just now I cannot see anything other than compliments for a fresh and smooth poem's view!

As for 'billows", it didn't interrupt my read at all. I happened to think it added that slight break in meter that often enhances the read.

Will be back as soon as I can with further thoughts. A beautiful, beautiful poem!

Sincerely, Liz

[Guest_Dove_*]

this was an absolutely soothing and beautiful piece!you used such wonderful words that i felt like i was sitting on step, drinking cider and watching all of this...no matter to the time length it took to pass.

there was only one thing that i had to question and it may be totally not worth bothering with.

1. "A lukewarm breeze supplants fall’s crispy blow;"

did you mean Fall here, as in the season? and if you did (and i'm not sure of this because aspostrophe's were always my downfall) than shouldn't it read:

"A lukewarm breeze supplants Falls' crispy blow;"

or did you just mean the fall of leaves, where then, i think, it should still be possessive. again i'm quite sure, but just a thought.

this was utterly sublime...and made me glad in a way that autumn is here..even early as it is, and even more rainy than i would like it to be. although the past few days have been your splendid words in motion.

-dove

[Arnfinn]

Hi


O' Autumn, why abandon nature's flow,
elope with summer's lunacy in June,
neglectful of the merit that is due
in decomposing death to feed the new?


The opening......reminds me of the first line of an Ode........Ode to Autumn
Shelley, 'Ode to the West Wind'
I like the metaphore........elope with summer's lunacy
Passion in the first stanza

A span of murky gray succumbs to blue.
In radiance the frost protracts as dew
and glistens on the foliage still confused
as semi-supple browns attempt to grow.

Hmmmmm.....perhaps a comma, after dew :)



The morning dawns upon a southern skew.
No twitter greets this mocking summer day,
just honks from airborne geese arrowed away,
undaunted by the ruse of Autumn's stray.

Nice imagery here......airborne geese arrowed away
back to the subject in last line


A lukewarm breeze supplants fall's crispy blow;
the feel of spring without the scented show.
Wry musk of sun-baked mud and sludge billows
from thirsty bogs. The wetlands dry as clay.

'scented show'.......to me seems a bit mundane.......some flowers dont show scent.........'floral show'........hmmm...maybe not
didn't notice "billows".... as the word billows 'flows on' to......from thirsty bogs. Ok by me


An apple cider jug ensnares the sun,
to steep a nectar stewed in amber glare.
Beneath a toast, I say a silent prayer
to soften winter for the unprepared.

Like the last stanza.........gives the reader the impression that the subject is going to make the good use of the weather.


Very enjoyable read.
Lovely.

These of course are my thoughts...........about your piece. They could be  awry.......

Kind regards,


John

[Eisa]

O’ Autumn, why abandon nature’s flow?
possibly a question mark at the end of line 1
elope with summer’s lunacy in June,
neglectful of the merit that is due
in decomposing death to feed the new?

A span of murky gray succumbs to blue.
In radiance the frost protracts as dew
and glistens on the foliage still confused
as semi-supple browns attempt to grow.

The morning dawns upon a southern skew.
No twitter greets this mocking summer day,
just honks from airborne geese arrowed away,
undaunted by the ruse of Autumn’s stray.

A lukewarm breeze supplants fall’s crispy blow;
the feel of spring without the scented show.
Wry musk of sun-baked mud and sludge billows
IMO `billows' does hamper the iambic meter
from thirsty bogs. The wetlands dry as clay.

An apple cider jug ensnares the sun,
to steep a nectar stewed in amber glare.
Beneath a toast, I say a silent prayer
to soften winter for the unprepared.






***I realize that 'billows' isn't iambic  - is the bump too much?***

Hi Michelle

This is a pleasure to read and produces clear images in my mind. I am however puzzled by your rhyme shceme, which does not seem to me to follow a pattern...?

I'll call by again
Snow

[Michelle]

Hi Liz,

I don't mind at all if you take a copy.  I look forward to your insights.  Thank you so much for your kind words.  They are encouraging.



Michelle

[Michelle]

Hello Dove,

thank you for stopping in and commenting.  You are very correct with 'fall'.  My intention is for the season, and since I have capitalized 'Autumn', I should be consistant.     I appreciate your keen eyes.

Your kind comments have added a smile to my day.  
I find that as we get used to each other two things happen:
first we become less sensitive to the beauty in each other's poems
and we are more able to give sound advice.  

I have been awe-struck by some of the poems that I've read here.

This is a wonderful group of poets.  I'm glad you are here.

Thank you. again.



Michelle

[Michelle]

Hi John,

thank you for taking the time to go through the poem.
I appreciate it.  

I have never used 'O in a poem other than this one.  
I really can't say why I did here, other than it felt right.  

I don't usually use commas before 'and'.
I'm not sure what the grammatical rules are,
but I like to use puntuation as a poetic tool -
trying not to over-use so that when I do
use a comma or semi-colon or period, it will
carry greater weight.

In this poem, I have to incude the five senses,
the 'scented' stanza is my olfactory stanza.  

Thank you very much for commenting on this one.

You are very kind John.


Michelle

[Michelle]

Hi Snow,

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and offer comment/suggestion.

Well, the only rhyme scheme that I used is that I have made three of the lines in each stanza rhyme, while the fouth unrhyming line I have placed in alternating positions.  If I were to do this again, the unrhyming lines would all rhyme with each other.      I am a maverick at times, I suppose.  I enjoy experimenting in all facets of poetry.

In S1, the question mark is at the end of the stanza for it is all one sentence.

Thank you for commenting on 'billows', I am particularly interesting in the response of the reader.

You are very kind and I appreciate your honest appraisal and comments.

Thank you again, Snow.



Michelle

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Michelle; good to see another posting of yours

Shall I be boring for a moment, if it helps...

Grammatically there is no comma before "and" since that word is a conjunction and therefore replaces any comma - at least in prose. (No comma after "and" either except for a sub-clause). However, you mentioned its use as a poetic tool... in which case you can do anything at all that seems right.

As regards “Fall“, here in the UK we do not use the word in this context - we only use "Autumn". However, since it is the name of a season it should be capitalised. The possessive apostrophe... In the contest of a singular ownership - e.g. one dog - it is dog's bowl; more than one dog - it is dogs' bowls. Autumn / Fall is singular so it is Fall's. If it were talking about the winds of many years of Autumns - it would be Falls' winds.

As regards billows - well you very well know my total disregard for form and, as the word worked for me, I thought it enhanced the poem.

Ok, the poem!

Well, for some reason I seem to have come a little late to this - though I see it was only posted yesterday so all the crits do you credit - people are agog to read your latest offerings!

This was intellectually an interesting poem - as well as having great emotional appeal. It discussed a climate change (at least within the year, if not a trend) which is important.

O’ Autumn, why abandon nature’s flow,
elope with summer’s lunacy in June,
neglectful of the merit that is due
in decomposing death to feed the new?

The mention of disturbing nature's flow and failing to decompose death are great references to this.

The morning dawns upon a southern skew.
No twitter greets this mocking summer day,
just honks from airborne geese arrowed away,
undaunted by the ruse of Autumn’s stray.

What is a Southern Skew please. To me the word “skew” means eccentric; off line; not square - what definition am I missing?

I liked the contrast between the comforting, warm “twitter” and the uncomfortable, cool “honk“. Well done.

Wry musk of sun-baked mud and sludge billows
from thirsty bogs. The wetlands dry as clay.

I’ve never smelt wetlands before - I did not know they had a distinct odour. Thank you for the info! However, what really strikes here is the “wetlands dry as clay”. Well expressed.

An apple cider jug ensnares the sun,
to steep a nectar stewed in amber glare.
Beneath a toast, I say a silent prayer
to soften winter for the unprepared.

Now you’ve made us all thirsty. However, the really impressive thing here is the emotional-intellectual concept of Autumn having failed to prepare us for a severe Winter so the narrator’s prayer that Winter will also be mild. An excellent reminder that the traditional seasons do have a natural flow (hey presto! back to verse one - great circularity).

Ok...

In closing, an excellent poem about the seasons in relationship to mankind. The use of the prayer and the cider reminds us that nature does not exist in a vacuum and that it has profound effects upon us. It is rare to see a poem which works both on the emotional and intellectual levels I mentioned (dammed hard to write one!) yet I think yours does. In my analysis I have deliberately left the emotional aspects as I think others have covered them well - but they are most certainly there and very strong.

I enjoyed this poem very much, Michelle; thank you again.

[Michelle]

Hi Jox.

You are always such a delight.  Thank you for reading and leaving such wonderful comments.  I feel as if I am greatly beholding to you.  You freely give your time and energy - I cannot thank you enough.  

Oh, 'skew'.  My definition as a noun is that of 'an oblique position'.  I am using it to describe the position of the sun in the sky - whereas it is far to the south during Fall/Winter - oblique from the north pole.  lol  

I am so glad that you like this poem.  Your opinions are so dear, to me.

Thank you, so much.



Michelle

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Michelle,

By the way, you are not beholden at all - we all offer each other crits (you are more generous than your fair share too!) - and we all appreciate each other. I have been spending quite some time on MM of late; I won't always be able to do so much as I do at the moment. Thank you, though.

Thanks for your comments and explanation. I would agree with your definition of skew - similar to my attempts. I did not realise it was direct sunlight you meant. Here dawns are usually somewhat hazy so no direct sun in that way; it usually appears from everywhere (if it bothers to turn up at all). However, we do sometimes have a strong morning shadow so I do now understand

And, yes, I like your poem a great deal.

J.

[Guest__*]

Dear Michelle

I have read your poem, and the whole thread, and learned a lot. The discussion helped me understand the poem better. So I won't repeat what others have raised, but I have a few diff viewpoints.

O’ Autumn, why abandon nature’s flow,
elope with summer’s lunacy in June,
neglectful of the merit that is due
in decomposing death to feed the new?

-Forgive, but that O' seems awfully twee, poss because that "old-fashioned" is not apparent elsewhere in the poem. I think you could leave it out, or perhaps "Dear Autumn" ? or even "Now, Autumn, why ..." as you do seem to be remonstrating a little !

A span of murky gray succumbs to blue. (. is too much "stop", should be
In radiance the frost protracts as dew
and glistens on the foliage, still confused - add comma
as semi-supple browns attempt to grow. (brown attemptS ? is smoother to read)

The morning dawns upon a southern skew. ( I think ; ?)
No twitter greets this mocking summer day,
just honks from airborne geese arrowed away, (move , to geese,) (not "just", but is better ?)
undaunted by the ruse of Autumn’s stray.
-Autumn's stray I know is correct, it is a noun too, but here it jars - stray what ? play ?

A lukewarm breeze supplants Fall’s crispy blow;
the feel of spring without the scented show.
Wry musk of sun-baked mud and sludge billows
from thirsty bogs. The wetland's dry as clay. (add ' for "wetland is")
-(took me 3 reads to even FIND billows - yes it wrecks iambic, but fits perfectly into the poem and flow)

An apple cider jug ensnares the sun,
to steep a nectar stewed in amber glare.
Beneath a toast, I say a silent prayer
to soften winter,* for those* unprepared. (poss add , and those not the ?)
-"Beneath a toast" I feel is clumsy. "I give a toast, I mouth a silent prayer ?)

You are very welcome to not give a toast for my opinions ! Use any you like, ignore the rest. Critting this has raised my appreciation of your work, I enjoyed. If anything I have said helps polish up the facets, I'll be pleased.

Love
Alan

[Cybele]

Good Morning Michelle,

Having arrived here a little late I see that all your friends have been busy, as James said so well, rushing to read your new piece. A great compliment in itself.

I too have copied this as a very good example of Autumnal description.

No crit from me Michelle. My favourite lines are

An apple cider jug ensnares the sun,
to steep a nectar stewed in amber glare.

In itself a perfect description of Autumn


These will be added to my file  entitled "I wish I'd said that!" Every time
I find lines which move me greatly - in they go so that I may enjoy them forever.  :read:


Love

Grace

[Michelle]

Alan, your critique is magnificent.
You are "The Man" of critique.
Thank you sir.
I believe I've used
all but two of your suggestions.


I'm keeping 'O because 90% of poetry in this modern day
is written in free verse - so the rhyme and meter gives
any poem a 'classical' - sometimes antiquated feel.
(this is not my personal feeling - but I have been to
many websites and read poems by currently acclaimed
poets).  Secondly, I most likely will never use 'O in any
other poem.  lol  (ok - that's not a logical reason - but
I'm a woman  lol )

I am also going to keep 'strays' over 'plays'
because my vision is of the season straying
more than playing.

I cannot thank you enough.  (Big hug)


Michelle

[Michelle]

Grace,

Thank you so much for you kind words.
I have not thought to keep these lines
I find in others' work.  Great idea!
I have found many that I say
"I wish I would have written that"

I am truly honored by your praise.

Thank you so much.  Again you make me smile.


Michelle

[Guest__*]

Dear Michelle

"Alan, your critique is magnificent.
You are "The Man" of critique.
Thank you sir."

Thank YOU for that ! (Blush smiley, where are you ?)

BUT -----

You forget one magic ingredient without which I cannot even start any kind of crit, good, mediocre or downright awful - the poem on which I am priviledged to work !

Pleased you liked my ideas enough to use, and yes, you MAY chuck the other two. LOL

Love
Alan

[Guest__*]

So many enlightened critiques for a thing of beauty. There are numerous phrases here that render this poem as out of the ordinary. I would hesitate to add anything that might risk damaging the flow. The only improvements I would dare to suggest are to abandon the rhetorical question in the first line and adjust the punctuation. Thus.

Oh Autumn!  Why abandon nature’s flow ?
Elope with summer’s lunacy in June
neglectful of the merit that is due
in decomposing death to feed the new.

Gives a more dramatic effect.

As a formality, the initial rhyme scheme should be maintained, but your variance is delightful. There is always room for artistic experimentation.
I tend to agree with Jox regarding skew. The nearest word we have for that is askew which means something completely different.
All that remains is to open that jar of cider and meditate on the golden reflection

A.

[Michelle]

Alan, your are so kind.  Thank you,

for the ok.  


You are grand!


Michelle

[Michelle]

Oh Great One,  :bowdown:

Thank you for your omnipresence.

I fear your suggestion would make the remaining
lines of the stanza be an implication to behave in such
an unseasonal manner.  Reading the rest as its own
sentence seems almost a directive.

Thank you again, A.  I appreciate your most precious time.


Michelle