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Senryu, Japanese form: 5-7-5 or less |
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Oct 19 04, 04:04
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
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From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Oct 19 04, 05:03
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Group: Gold Member
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From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
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Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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delightful image here, Grace... Note, however that your last line perhaps needs a hyphen, since it's not the fly-cloud that hops, but the fly that cloud-hops, I assume? ... and I think that distracted needs a semicolon rather than a comma? contraction... iamble far to often I suppose deLightingly, Daniel
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Oct 19 04, 05:35
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Oct 19 04, 05:45
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 19,130
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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de tension... when your behind must stay put for attention
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Oct 21 04, 03:49
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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QUOTE de tension... when your behind must stay put for attention
Priceless Daniel!
moonshine; I follow turtle tracks across deserted beach
Love Grace
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Oct 21 04, 07:42
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 19,130
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Thanks, Grace... you know I couldn't resist that one... any more than I could resist this to your neat little heads-up package:
moonshine: cop losing turbo's tracks on rocks deserting beach
deLightfully, Daniel :sun:
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Oct 22 04, 05:09
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
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From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Oct 22 04, 06:28
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 19,130
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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umm... uhhhh... I bet you weren't expecting this, no matter how straight you keep your face:
frigid mourn in Nam; taste a slippery omelet called a cat's meow in a frigid Light, Daniel
Perhaps this, however may be more tasteful?
tender silvered blades genuflect to usurper; Jack Frost spreads his robe still frigid, but perhaps in a better Light, Daniel :sun:
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Oct 22 04, 06:52
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Group: Gold Member
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From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hi Daniel :sun:
QUOTE frigid mourn in Nam; taste a slippery omelet called a cat's meow
Sorry Daniel, I only understand the first line of this but suspect the rest is rather unpleasant? Alluding to poor food supplies?
QUOTE tender silvered blades genuflect to usurper; Jack Frost spreads his robe
This is so beautiful Daniel.
loosed by Winter’s bow skein of Canada Geese heading south; feathered arrows
Love
Grace
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Oct 22 04, 11:19
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Group: Gold Member
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From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
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Yipee, :dance: Snow's come out to play,
Lovely to see you here Eisa.
QUOTE tears can bathe the soul; cleansing rivulets will heal, life’s dirt washed away.
deep scars may remain where festering sores have burst; time will overcome.
You know that both pieces have touched my heart Eisa, beautiful!
Love Grace
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Oct 24 04, 22:23
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 19,130
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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wounds may disappear with tender love’s oversight; healing takes its time
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Oct 25 04, 00:16
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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[b]Good morning Daniel,
QUOTE wounds may disappear with tender love’s oversight; healing takes its time
Thank you for the lovely thought. First thing I saw this morning.
blind beggar; stick tapping on stones worn by its touch
Love
Grace
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Oct 25 04, 02:18
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 19,130
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Thank you, my friend!
QUOTE blind beggar; stick tapping on stones worn remember his touch ... and I feel this piece painfully clearly, but try as I might, I cannot see the meaning of the last line...tap, tap, tap ???
Fine Lady, he yields, me worn old rememberer feels numbed by your lines Lightly, Daniel
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Oct 25 04, 03:39
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Oct 25 04, 06:31
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 19,130
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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I KNEW there must have been something amiss, Grace. Thank you for substantiating further my confidence in your clarity! Now you can share with me the nuance of specifying one Bizet? I'm sure that's special in some way. K? Here's my impressionistic follow-up: dazed by trazodone, grey cheeks mirror cold window; breakfast with EileenLightly unshaven, Daniel
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Oct 25 04, 07:40
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Group: Gold Member
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From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hello Daniel,
dazed by trazodone, grey cheeks mirror cold window; breakfast with Eileen
This is oh, so poignant Daniel. Is it based on truth? It speaks to me of a very tender love for Eileen. Hauntingly beautiful.
Now to Georges Bizet. I love opera Daniel and I have a CD of Bizet's 'Carmen' with my favourite singer Placido Domindo singing the lead role of Don Jose. My sons built me a summer house in my minuscule back garden and on sunny mornings I love to sit in the sunshine drinking coffee and listening to that glorious voice. The summerhouse faces due East so I am bathed in sunshine from about 6am onwards. It is my haven of peace.
Singapore monsoon; barefoot in the garden I wash my hair
Love
Grace
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Oct 25 04, 08:14
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 19,130
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Thank you so much, Grace. Yes, it was the very moment as I was writing, just before moving into the kitchen to actually see my unshaven face in the window while eating a cheese omelet with wheat toast and apricot preserves, while Eileen had her raisin bran. We had apple juice... and I generally don't drink coffee at home, but am in charge of the coffee pot at work. Your 'summer house' sounds enchanting. Might I assume that it is not what we'd call a 'house'? Whatever it is, it sounds downright enchanting! ... and your Sing-a-pour piece is even more enchanting. I think you've almost slipped quite wonderfully into haiku... as I believe you did a few senryu back. Whether you did or not, it's a beautiful piece of poetry... and the form is identical! donning Army greys he stares down a brisk fall wind; window keeps him warmsLightly snug, Daniel
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Oct 26 04, 12:40
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hello Daniel,
QUOTE donning Army greys he stares down a brisk fall wind; window keeps him warm
I am intrigued by this piece Daniel. I see this as someone getting into uniform and staring out of the window before venturing into the cold day ?
Do I assume you are in what we call over here the Territorial Army (or Army Reserve i.e a week-end soldier?)
African village: child carries the moon home in a rusty bucket
Love
Grace
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Oct 26 04, 14:26
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 19,130
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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<font color='#000000'>Thank you for the response, Grace. I'm glad that the piece engenders that picture as well as the one that I intended... only slightly different. The Army greys are the workout or PT (Pysical Training) uniform. I find it quite comfortable to wear about the house, so I had donned the long-sleeve set and was portraying myself as though I was literally staring down the wind ready to head into it on a run... but actually staring at it through the warmth of a window... kind of as in your summer house... and going nowhere. Here in the US there is the Regular or Active Army, the Army Reserve, and the Army National Guard. The latter, though part of the "One Army" system is also capable of being activated by each state at the will of the governor for State Active Duty... which often happens during disasters, floods, etc. Over 3000 from our NJ Army National Guard, however, are presently serving on Active Duty in places like Iraq, Eastern Europe, Afghanistan and the Sinai, plus here guarding bases and such in the U.S. I am the only NJ Army Guard chaplain stateside from NJ at present besides one who serves on "Title 10" Active duty at Ft. Dix nearby. The others are with their troops overseas or training to go there. We're a bit stretched, honestly. I've not been eligible to do PT for the past two years, but I was medically cleared to resume it a few months ago... which also makes me eligible to be deployed, the medical officer reminded me! QUOTE African village: child carries the moon home in a rusty bucket Your excellent piece (somehow) brought this image to my twisted mind: alcoholic home; dad trips over son’s toy pail, then kicks the bucketLight hugz, Daniel </font>
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