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> Separation (III)
Adhamh MacAodh
post Nov 12 15, 22:25
Post #1


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Real Name: Adam Hughes
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Referred By:Eira



Tonight my prayers
are a house built
with the bones of birds.

Tonight the stars roar
their gravity somewhere
beyond our ears.

Tonight the wind
is louder than God
has ever been.

I never see the dew fall
but every new sunrise
my feet are wet.
 
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K.S. Lenk
post Nov 13 15, 13:26
Post #2


Babylonian
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Real Name: Krista van der Steen
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I read this poem before you edited it.
I miss the wet feet ending, although the alternative is ok.

The repeating beginning of stanzas 1-3 is attractive and after each 'Tonight', one does expect a thought provoking statement. I think you have mostly succeeded in this.

My suggestions would be to rethink the ending once more, mostly to capture the whole theme and see what it looks like witout all the 'the's' ( the bones, the stars, the wind, the dew)

Very soft and brittle work, in a good way.

 
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Adhamh MacAodh
post Nov 13 15, 13:38
Post #3


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Real Name: Adam Hughes
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Hi Krista, good to see you here. I think you're right about the wet feet line. I was concerned about its clarity but I was partial to it. So I put it back in. For now. Thanks for taking a look.

-A-
 
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K.S. Lenk
post Nov 13 15, 18:37
Post #4


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I always enjoy your work.

This poem captures, rather vulnerably, the fragility of life and how we have little control.

Prayers built of bones of birds.
Stars that are too far to reach.
The power of nature that can intimidate
and even something inconsequential like dew that can affect us.

I love the lost connection here, the scary new beginning.
Above all, it is about realisation and the metaphors you used for this, in combination with your title, come across wonderfully well.
 
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Eisa
post Nov 15 15, 19:02
Post #5


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From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
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Referred By:Lori



Tonight my prayers
are a house built
with the bones of birds.



What a wonderful start to a poem. I just love this stanza.

I'll have to return tomorrow as it's late here but feel this deserves my full attention.

Eira


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Eisa
post Nov 16 15, 18:46
Post #6


Mosaic Master
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Group: Praetorian
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From: Birmingham, England
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Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



I'm back to have another look at this. It is truly beautifully written.

To tighten up you could leave out some words - suggestions in brackets


Tonight my prayers
are a house built
with [the] bones of birds.

Tonight [the] stars roar
their gravity somewhere
beyond our ears.

Tonight [the] wind
is louder than God
has ever been.

I never see [the] dew fall
but every new sunrise
my feet are wet.

Deep & powerful. Enjoyed!
Eira



·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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