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Dee
Posted on: Apr 2 12, 15:11


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I do get it. :o) You didn't sound a bit preachy! I have a fondness for fae and the like, so perhaps I want more. lol It seems like only a piece of a greater story. Always leave them wanting more, they say. Hmmmm. Sometimes I don't like them. lol

Interesting you were "chief critic". For how long did you hold that title? Or was it more informal than that? And are you writing new stuff? (Haha See what you started?? ;oP)
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #127111 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,797

Dee
Posted on: Apr 1 12, 22:06


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It's difficult to comment and not critique. Comments tend to turn into critique anyway, altho it's usually to the positive side as the more "critique-y" comments do not get posted.

That said, I do like the feel of this poem. ;o)
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #127093 · Replies: 8 · Views: 5,797

Dee
Posted on: Oct 23 11, 18:30


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What a heartbreaking story.
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #125686 · Replies: 16 · Views: 5,754

Dee
Posted on: Jun 6 11, 12:57


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I have felt this way before. I love the way you put it. Interesting. :o)
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #124760 · Replies: 3 · Views: 3,940

Dee
Posted on: Jun 6 11, 12:51


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Perhaps "the ground moved" since you used "Earth" in your first line. Nice piece!
  Forum: Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren'... · Post Preview: #124759 · Replies: 3 · Views: 4,894

Dee
Posted on: Aug 5 09, 11:59


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I admit I haven't done a full read, but...

First thing that jumps out at me is the title... It's you're, not your in this case.

I'll be back later for a complete read and comment.

Until then...

Dee
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #116951 · Replies: 6 · Views: 4,611

Dee
Posted on: Aug 5 09, 11:57


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I like it. Simple. True.

Just a couple suggestions...

I would leave out "sometimes". You really don't need it and it loses power (I think). Also, the ending is somewhat redundant, since you suggest "before now" with the "should have". Perhaps an ending of...

I
should
have.


Just my two cents. Enjoyed.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #116950 · Replies: 8 · Views: 3,268

Dee
Posted on: Aug 3 09, 16:25


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John,

Thank you for stopping by to read and comment. biggrin.gif I appreciate your time.

Dee

  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #116893 · Replies: 6 · Views: 2,677

Dee
Posted on: Jul 25 09, 14:39


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Thanks (again), Steve!!

I really appreciate you taking time to stop by and comment. :)
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #116636 · Replies: 6 · Views: 2,677

Dee
Posted on: Jul 25 09, 07:47


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A challenge poem. Tear it up! *Grin.*

Eccentric Vision



Long hair wild and unbound, clothes disheveled
Slip hanging haphazardly below her hemline
The woman seemed unaware of the rumble
As the train barreled down the track toward her
Her lopsided step carried her into the oncoming light
A broken heel dangled from one stiletto, chased her path
Two strangers watched the eccentric vision
City noise meets malaise in untethered irony
Eyes widened, mouths open in preparation to scream
But when contact happens, there is no blood, no sound
Shock turns to astonishment as realization dawns
In the absence of a blaring horn from the locomotive
And the disappearance of the limping apparation

... a ghost
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #116627 · Replies: 6 · Views: 2,677

Dee
Posted on: Jul 25 09, 07:44


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Nice read. Sounds like a story I would be very interested in reading... were it a longer story and not a poem. *wink*
I'm not sure it captures the title completely, however, I will comment on the poem as written.


The Initiation of the King

Unseen wolves were howling from the hills
beyond the tower, the trees howled too,
each branch in the wind a voice
calling to me. Much they had to teach. <--I'd lose the last line of this stanza. It distracts.

I threw off my robes and heavy boots
to run naked through the moon bright snow. Like "moon bright snow"
Leaping and howling through tall pines,
nostrils iced with blown snow, <--This sounds like a reference to cocaine. Intentional? Also, it is a repeat of snow in a previous line same stanza.

I was a wolf, ghost gray with demonic eyes
and frantic jaw, snarling with lips curled back. I like "frantic jaw". Could you get more creative with "lips curled back?" Seems a little weak after the "frantic jaw" to me.
Blood was frozen to my beard and chest
when at dawn I returned to the tower.

My eyes were the eyes of one
who had been ravening wild in darkness
and had seen the beauty in it:
now I am ready to rule. Nice finish.

I somehow find myself wanting this to be a movie. lol When are you writing the screenplay??
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #116626 · Replies: 4 · Views: 3,075

Dee
Posted on: Jul 25 09, 07:35


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I enjoyed this read. It is very dramatic... I'm an invisible bystander. The repeating lines were not a distraction for me... Perception is very subjective that way. Anyway... some suggestions below...

Just us.


No-one here but us.
No-one to see us remove our clothes.
No-one to scold as we walk into the water.
Just us.
The water is warm against my toes.
Gentle, enticing.
Your hand is cool within my hand.
Firm, determined.
Nothing said.
Nothing to be said.
No-one to hear.
Just us. <--- Don't think this is needed.
The fight is done.
Their arguments irrelevant. <-- I love this line. So been there.
I am yours - forever.
You are mine - forever.
What else matters now?
One last kiss.
One last, eternal embrace.
If this be sin, the sea will wash it clean. I like the previous suggestion for this line...
We are here.
Just us.<---I believe this loses power here.
This time is ours.
They cannot take it.
They cannot touch it.
Let them have tomorrow,
if they still want it.
We won’t be here to care. I love the last 5 lines. Very simple. Nice.


© GdeY. 2009.


Very gripping read. Look forward to the revision. :-)
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #116625 · Replies: 4 · Views: 2,983

Dee
Posted on: Jul 25 09, 07:16


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The good news is... you have pulled forth some deep responses with this one. *wink*

I wonder if it would be worth a discussion thread... poetry vs the science of poetry.

Could be interesting...
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #116624 · Replies: 25 · Views: 9,255

Dee
Posted on: Jul 19 09, 11:12


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I very much enjoyed this read. It has the elegant beauty I appreciate in poetry.
However, there are a couple nits... one has already been addressed. The 3rd stanza suggestions that have been made... I agree with those. The other nit is in line one. It's the colon. Maybe it's just me, but I feel it interrupts the flow. Being the first line of the poem, no interruption of flow should occur here at all. The simple remedy is to just transpose the words "yellow" and "splashes". Then the first line would read: Sunlight splashes yellow atop the sea
This would give you better flow because it will remove the pause that follows the colon. As I said... could just be me.
Again, enjoyed the imagery in this piece.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #116466 · Replies: 25 · Views: 9,255

Dee
Posted on: Oct 6 08, 11:07


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Difficult, maybe. Impossible? No. Get yourself a Poet's Market and look for someone to submit to post haste. You are a photographer, right? I can suggest a publisher to you...

Let me pm you... make sure you check your messages.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #111037 · Replies: 14 · Views: 5,088

Dee
Posted on: Oct 5 08, 18:41


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Poetic prototypes. *grin* Interesting explanation. I like it.

However...

You do have a graceful talent here and I would highly recommend you commence with the publishing! I want to buy a book!! *smile*

Dee (aka a fan)
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #111025 · Replies: 14 · Views: 5,088

Dee
Posted on: Sep 28 08, 22:32


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I like this one. As is. Powerful. Sad tho, but so many emotions are.

Dee
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #110830 · Replies: 8 · Views: 6,814

Dee
Posted on: Sep 28 08, 22:28


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The message is clear and it's a good one, one in our subconscious daily, I suspect.
I just have one nit... and that's the repeating "our". Perhaps you could change it to "the quest". Just a suggestion.

Decendents

Decendents, our hope
for our immortality
in this mortal world.

Peggy Carpenter Harwood


...

Decendents, the quest
for our immortality
in this mortal world.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #110829 · Replies: 22 · Views: 14,263

Dee
Posted on: Sep 28 08, 21:49


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Well, I just love this piece! Truly. It is beautiful.

I only have one question...

Why the use of bovine? I talked with a coworker and after she explained it to me, I understood it better, but it's still awkward to me in reference to a storm.

Other than that little trip-up, the poem is perfect as far as I'm concerned. And... since I'm the only one that mentioned it, you should probably leave it. lol

Just so you know, I'm fast becoming a huge fan of your work. Do you have anything published??

Dee

PS It so cool how you include the pics!
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #110828 · Replies: 14 · Views: 5,088

Dee
Posted on: Sep 28 08, 17:31


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First, let me say I usually don't even take the time to read long pieces because I usually find myself bored to tears before I'm even close to the end. However, I read yours through and enjoyed it very much. It is interesting and fun and completely pulls me in. It also make me want to share it... to nudge my neighbor and say, "Hey, read this!" I just have a few nits and comments which I put in bold inside the quote below. Perhaps some of what I say will be useful to you.

QUOTE (Thoth @ Aug 20 08, 09:32 ) [snapback]109992[/snapback]
For over forty years, I have wanted to tell this story but have lacked both the courage and skill. Youth is strange, I only realized years later (to my horror) that my old iSangoma guide and friend, had actually been blind all along. I would love for you to elaborate about what a iSangoma guide is. Maybe you already have somewhere. If so, just direct me to the thread and I'll read about it there.

I hope you enjoy it. W

Shrine of the Red Hornet Queen It was your title that initially attracted my attention.

In the dappled half shade of a Bhumbula tree
at the foot of a great granite hill,
lived a Wizard in rags who enchanted me
with his voice that was cracked and shrill.

Eyes agleam in the dusk as spirits grew bold
scurried soft while the smoke swirled round;
from his dry withered lips spilled stories of old
and the tales of lost battle ground.
In the camp fire glow on the sand he would kneel
with a body all broken and frail,
till a throw of the bones in the dust would reveal
to the crone what the ancients bewail.
[left] "If you cross the five hills going east from the graves
to the land maLindzimu ignored;
follow me to the south where the bones of slaves You use "bones" twice closely.
fed the flames when the smelt furnace roared.
[/left]
[left] Where the great bellows huffed amid smoke sweat and blast
till the eye of the forge shimmered green, LOVE this imagery!!
where the spear heads birthed and the bronze shackles cast
for the guard of the Red Hornet Queen.

Sweep your eyes to the ridge as you search for a slit;
for a cleft in that grey granite wall;
through a thorn chaparral where the rock has split,
cross a bridge with its stern sentry tall.

Do you see where these boulders were rolled to the side;
hide a path to the nest of the Queen?
Now we edge past the ledge where the wasp-men would hide; I'd leave out the "we" here.
it is clear their defense was supreme."
[/left]
Strange clouds swirled grey in the old man's eye
as the visions welled up from the past,
and a thousand summers or more flashed by
when the bones once again were cast.
[left] "Over here are the pits where the slaves were restrained,
it was done so that none may oppose
that Cannibal Queen who was thus entertained,
and imbibed of the blood of her foes.

From the caravans rich there was loot for the bold
on the road to King Solomon's mine,
they would raid for the ivory, slaves and the gold
for their Queen and the Red Hornet Shrine.

As a pack on the scent chased troops of the King
while the Wasps would look down from on high.
The assault would begin and the war-cries ring
'till the death-stones rained from the sky.

Each attack was repulsed and Solomon's men
would retire to the mines for a rest.
The lieutenant chastised and threatened again
should he fail to annihilate the nest.

Well the Hornets grew rich, with their arrogant Queen
every year in their fortress of stone,
and the crew of the mines and the tribes grew lean
for the wrath of their King to atone"
[/left]
[left] iSangoma of old, with a mystical smile
stroked softly the gray granite wall,
the Ancestral spirits to coax and beguile
then he rose with his staff proud and tall.
[/left]
[left] "I can see, that at last 'twas a weakness revealed
in a cipher received by the Chief.
Betrayal for the price of a curse was concealed
by a plan that was bold and brief.

Like a beast of the night, came Solomon's curse,
past the guards as a humming of bees. LOVE this line, especially on the heels of the title.
Sheer face of the rock but an easy traverse,
as it entered the sanctum with ease. You have "easy" and then "ease". Perhaps a synomym for one of them?

No-one said what befell, not a soul would re-tell
what became of the Red Hornet clan,
It was rumored by some they eventually fell
the result of this treasonous plan.

They were all disemboweled, every man, woman, child
and their cruel Queen impaled on a spear,
just a Forge-Master's boy escaped to the wild
where he lived out a lifetime in fear.

If you scratch at your feet among shards in the dust I'd leave out the "at".
you may find a small clue or a sign
but the Ghosts of this tomb keep a secret in trust;
it's the gold in a Grey Granite Shrine" Love this line.
[/left]
Then the trees bowed down to a roaring breath You've used roaring before... perhaps a synonym?
while the Sun turned away in his shame,
for my blind Wizard's eyes stared white in his death
and I fled like a buck from the flame.

The ancestral blood runs no-more in his veins.
yet his story's still told at the feasts,
it is oft' whispered down from the hills to the plains;
finds a voice in the howling of beasts.
_
The graves of Cecil John Rhodes (maLindzimu) and other founders of Rhodesia lie on a famous sacred hill in the Matopos. The area is steeped in legend and African Myth, and many things still remain unexplained. As a child I grew up here and spent a great deal of time exploring the granite wilderness.


Again, I really enjoyed this piece. You are fortunate to have such a lovely experience to look back upon. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Dee
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #110821 · Replies: 15 · Views: 7,548

Dee
Posted on: Sep 23 08, 13:51


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Shelly,

Welcome. This is a pretty cool place to hang out. I know you will enjoy yourself here.

I look forward to reading your work.

Dee
  Forum: Introduce Yourself · Post Preview: #110708 · Replies: 10 · Views: 6,658

Dee
Posted on: Feb 4 08, 13:30


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I agree... this is one that needs to be told.

I don't have alot of time right now to do a crit (I'm at work), but I will come back later.

One quick comment I would like to make is in regards to your first line. I read and reread it and for some reason it was tripping me up. I finally realized it is because you really go from past to present in that stanza, but as it is written, it is present, present. I think if you change the "begin" to "began" it will fix the problem.

More later!
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #106333 · Replies: 14 · Views: 4,697

Dee
Posted on: Jan 30 08, 13:43


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Wow. I really like this.

The only thing I would question would be the use of "our" in line 4. It's the only use of such a word and I wonder if "the" wouldn't allow for better flow.

Otherwise, I have no nits. At the risk of being redundant, I really like this piece.

Dee
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #106150 · Replies: 11 · Views: 3,896

Dee
Posted on: Jan 29 08, 15:13


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Oh... and just mho, I really like line 2 as "of all her days". To me, it lends clarity. Sometimes we snip words thinking we are being more concise, but should leave them in. I like that flow, but that's just me. ;-)

Dee
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #106134 · Replies: 28 · Views: 10,618

Dee
Posted on: Jan 29 08, 13:41


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Hey there! I really like the concept of this poem. I do have a few nits... see below.

She wears the pockets
of her days,
once empty and new,
now full and ragged. <-- for some reason, I think this would flow better as " full and ragged now
Years of treasures
stuff her sagging coat,
as blue as her childish eyes. Just leave off the line about the eyes... you don't really need it. If you decide to keep it, reword, because as it is now, it sounds like the treasures are blue like her eyes.
Every possession
sheltered there,
to be touched
by her loving hands,
no one else`s baubles
but her own I think this last part (last 6 lines) could be simplified and still carry the same message... Every possession sheltered there lovingly, her own precious baubles

Just my two cents. Take or leave as you wish. :)
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #106131 · Replies: 28 · Views: 10,618

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