I Plant Daises -- (Hopefully last rewrite!), Wizard Award ~ more changes Options

[Eisa]

I think one of the problems I have had here is the interlinking of 2 stories which has made the poem difficult to follow. After much thought, I've decided to cut it right back so that the story of the child is just one stanza -- after all this poem is about a pet gecko that is lost, and the child missing is just a reflection on how much worse it would be for a child to be missing. I feel this works better -- hope you do too.



I Planted Daisies (latest rewrite 4/02/07)


Wide-eyed, she peered
from the squalid vivarium,
hunger exposing her bones.
I paid the high price at All Pets
and brought her home.

Nurtured, Daisy plumped up,
often creeping onto my hand
then into my affection.

Excitement tied me inside,
collecting cold-blooded pets
from their holiday shelter;
shock flattened me
-- Daisy had vanished.

My heart hammered --
lungs battled for breath
as I rummaged through substrate,
but she was not hiding.

Perhaps she’d been tucked
into a pocket on Open Day,
or her guardian forgot
to draw the door.

The monsters I imagined
mauling or devouring her,
taunted me by day, then
haunted sleepless nights.


DAILY NEWS:
GIRL NOT RETURNED FROM SCHOOL
Is she’s trying to find her birth mother?
Police have traced this woman,
but her daughter has not been found.
They are fearful for her welfare.
Parents grapple in turmoil


Still bruised, I plant daisies
on my gecko’s vacant grave,
flinching to picture those parents,
battered far worse than me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Planted Daisies (6th revision-- 21st Jan '07)


Hunger haunted the eyes
that peered at me
from her squalid vivarium.
I paid the price at All Pets
then brought her home.

Nurtured, Daisy blossomed,
saturating my affection.

In Scotland, a barren couple
glimpsed a mirage
in their perpetual desert.
Adoption became an oasis;
they doted on the girl.

I was flattened by disbelief
when my favourite gecko
vanished from Reptile Hotel.

Northern News Report:
Girl did not return from school,
no clues found ...
parents grapple in turmoil
as hope surges to the skyline.

Was she purloined,
or did her guardian forget
to draw the door?
While I yearn for her return,
emotions snarl uncertainly.

Did curiosity drive her
to discover the mother
who delivered her as a gift?
-- or was she snatched
by a demon who ruined her?

Anguish was suffocating --
the outcome of my gecko
remains a mystery.
I topped her vacant grave
with daisies; alabaster petals
now unfurl in remembrance.

Yet, torment would cut deeper
if my child was unfound.

I wonder if they planted flowers.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Without Trace (5th revision --10 Jan '07)

Planted in reminiscence,
the cluster flourishes
as alabaster petals unfurl
into memories ...

Tucked in a gloomy corner
at All Pets, she watched me,
large eyes peering
through plastic foliage
in a filthy vivarium.
Her scrawny chest revealed neglect;
I paid the price – took her home.

Nurtured -- Daisy blossomed,
slowly saturating my affection.

In Scotland, a childless couple
glimpsed a mirage
in their perpetual desert;
adoption – their oasis
the girl -- doted on.

Collecting cold-blooded pets
from their holiday hotel,
disbelief engulfed me;
my favourite had vanished,
leaving no signs of her presence.

Northern News Report:
Girl did not return from school,
leaving no clues ...
parents grapple in turmoil
as hope floats to the skyline.

Was she purloined --
or did she scamper from her den?
Emotions snarl with uncertainty,
while I yearn for her return.

Did she leave to discover
the woman who generated her life --
or was she snatched
by a depraved soul
who violated her?

I gaze at the daisy clump,
remembering my little gecko --
and that suffocating anguish.
Yet, torment would devour me
if my offspring had been missing.


Just added L6 in St 2 (thanks Bev)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have been trying to make this clearer



FOURTH REVISION 5/01/07 [tweaked 6/01/07]


Planted in reminiscence,
the cluster flourishes
as alabaster petals unfurl
into memories ...

Tucked into a gloomy corner
of All Pets, she watched me,
large eyes peering
through plastic foliage.
A scrawny chest revealed neglect.
I paid the price – took her home.

Nurtured -- Daisy blossomed,
slowly saturating my affection.

A childless couple glimpsed
a mirage in their perpetual desert --
adoption brought an oasis
and the girl was doted on.

Collecting cold-blooded pets
from their holiday hotel,
my favourite was gone;
disbelief engulfed me.
We searched but found
no signs of Daisy's presence.

News Report:
She did not return from school,
leaving no clues ...
parents grapple in turmoil
as hope floats to the skyline.

Was she purloined --
or did she scamper form her den?
Emotions snarling with uncertainty
I yearned for her return.

Did she scarper to discover
the woman who generated her life --
or was she snatched
by a depraved soul who violated her?

I gaze at the daisy clump,
remembering my little gecko --
and my suffocating anguish.
Yet torment would devour my life
if my offspring had been missing.



L4 was --with my memories ...
L9 was -- showed neglect
L12 was -- creeping into my affection.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

THIRD REVISION 11/12/06

Without Trace


Planted in reminiscence,
the cluster flourishes;
alabaster petals.

Frightened eyes peered
through plastic foliage --
breathing quickened
in her scrawny chest.
She must be saved
from Pets Parade.

Nurtured,
Daisy blossomed,
soon creeping
into my affection.

They glimpsed a mirage
in perpetual desert --
adoption brought an oasis
and she was doted on.

Collecting cold-blooded pets
from their holiday hotel,
my favourite was gone;
disbelief engulfed me.
Searching found no signs.

News Report:
She did not return from school,
leaving no clues.
Parents grapple in turmoil
as hope floats to the skyline.

Was she purloined --
or did she scamper form her den?
Emotions snarling with uncertainty
I yearned for her return.

Did she run away--
or some depraved soul
snatch and violate her?

I gaze at the daisy clump,
remembering my little gecko --
anguish now buried.
Yet torment would devour my life
if my offspring had been missing.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2ND REVISION

Daisies Grow

Planted in reminiscence,
a cluster of alabaster petals
flourishes.

She lived neglected
in a gloomy corner
at the far end of Pets Parade.

I nurtured Daisy
and she thrived,
creeping into my affection.

After years of barrenness
they adopted a girl
doted on her as their own.

Three years on, collecting
my cold-blooded pets
from their holiday hotel,
my favourite was gone;
disbelief engulfed me.
A search revealed no sign.

She did not return from school
-- no clues left behind.
parents grapple in turmoil
while hope floats to the skyline.

Did she scamper from her den?
-- or was she purloined?
I yearned for her return,
emotions snarling at uncertainty.

Did she run away?
or did some depraved soul
snatch and violate her?
Parents’ sleep is devoured
by the nightmares
that deluge waking hours.

I gaze at the daisy clump,
my mind in a half forgotten place
where anguish was buried and
memories of my little gecko cherished.
Yet torment would fill eternity
if my offspring had been missing.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Liked Daniah's suggestions for weaving the two stories together, and I am trying that in this revision.

Where Daisies Grow (revision Aug 12th 2006)

A cluster flourishes
-- alabaster petals
planted in reminiscence.

At the far end of the shop
Daisy was neglected,
stature diminutive
to most Leopard Geckos.

Nurtured she thrived
and crept into my heart.

After years of barrenness
they adopted a child
doted on her as their own.

Three years on, collecting
cold-blooded pets
from their holiday hotel,
my favourite was gone;
disbelief engulfed me.
A search found no sign.

She is lost -- not,
returning from school.
A pursuit reveals no clues;
parents grapple in turmoil
while hope floats to the skyline.

Did she scamper from her den?
-- or was she purloined?
I yearned for her return,
emotions snarling at uncertainty.

Did she run away?
or did some depraved soul
snatch and violate her?
Parents’ sleep is devoured by nightmares
that deluge waking hours.

I gaze at the daisy clump,
my mind in a half forgotten place
where anguish is buried.
Torment would fill eternity
if my offspring had gone missing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where Daisies Grow (original May 2006)

Beneath a climbing rose
the cluster flourishes
-- alabaster petals
planted in reminiscence.

I happened upon Daisy,
neglected
at the far end of the shop.
Her stature was diminutive
to most other Leopard Geckos.

At home I nurtured her;
she thrived,
and crept into my heart.


Three years on, collecting
my cold-blooded pets
from their holiday hotel,
my favourite was gone;
I was engulfed in disbelief.
A search revealed no sign.

Did she scamper from her den?
-- or perhaps she was purloined
by crooked hands.
For eternity I yearned for her return,
emotions snarling at uncertainty.


A family’s child is lost -- not,
returning home from school.
A search party finds no signs
while parents grapple in turmoil
and hope floats into the skyline.

I gaze at the clump of Daisies
my mind in that half forgotten place
where wounds are concealed.
How deep the damage might have been
if my offspring had gone missing

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Snow

How very sad when something you have cared for and loved disappears like that but as you highlight, it must be even worse when it is a child. I find it very hard to watch stories of children being abducted and murdered and can't even bear to think of the pain their parents must go through..

A few suggestions for you to use or reject as you wish.


Where Daisies Grow

Beneath {a} climbing rose
{the}[a] cluster flourishes
-- alabaster petals
planted in reminiscence.

I happened upon Daisy,
{neglected}
at the far end of the shop.
[neglected]
{Her} stature {was} diminutive
to most other Leopard Geckos.

At home {I }nurtured[,] {her}{;}
she thrived,
and crept into my heart.


Three years on, collecting
{my} cold-blooded pets
from their holiday hotel,
my favourite was gone;
{I was engulfed in} disbelief [engulfed me].
A search revealed no sign.

Did she scamper from her den?
-- {or perhaps she was purloined
by crooked hands.}[was she stolen?] ...crooked hands gives an image of gnarled fingers rather than thieves
For eternity I yearned for her return,
emotions snarling at uncertainty. great line


A {family’s} child is lost -- not,
returning {home} from school.
A search party finds no signs
{while} parents grapple in turmoil
{and} hope floats {in}to the skyline. ..I really like this excellent image.

I gaze at the [daisy] clump {of Daisies}
my mind in that half forgotten place
where wounds are concealed.
How [much] deep[er] the damage {might have been}
{if}[had] my offspring {had} gone missing


Thus plus a few extra suggestions:

Beneath climbing rose
a cluster flourishes
-- alabaster petals
planted in reminiscence.

I happened upon Daisy,
at the far end of the shop;
neglected,
stature diminutive
to most other Leopard Geckos.

At home,
nurtured,
she thrived,
and crept into my heart.

Three years on,
collecting cold-blooded pets
from their holiday hotel,
my favourite was gone;
disbelief engulfed me.
A search revealed no sign.

Did she scamper from her den?
-- was she stolen?
For eternity I yearned for her return,
emotions snarling at uncertainty.

A child is lost -- not,
returning from school.
A search party finds no signs;
parents grapple in turmoil
hope floats to the skyline.

I gaze at the daisy clump
my mind in that half forgotten place
where wounds are concealed.
How much deeper the damage
had my offspring gone missing.

Nina

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Snow,

To some this would be like a missing child. I couldn't even imagine what one would go through. You have done a good job expressing that.


Beneath {a} climbing rose
the cluster flourishes
-- alabaster petals
planted in reminiscence.

I happened upon Daisy,
neglected
at the far end of the shop.
Her stature {was} diminutive
to most other Leopard Geckos.

{At home} I nurtured her;
she thrived,
and crept into my heart.


Three years on, collecting
{my} cold-blooded pets
from their holiday hotel,
my favourite was gone;
I was engulfed in disbelief. Disbelief engulfed me!
A search revealed no sign.

Did she scamper from her den[,]{?}
-- or perhaps {she was} purloined
by {crooked hands}[thieves]{.}[?]
For eternity I yearned for her return,
emotions snarling at uncertainty.


A {family’s} child is lost -- not, Is there a tense change from above? From 'was' to 'is'?
returning home from school.
A search party finds no signs Another word for 'search' since you've already used it? Maybe 'investigation', 'hunting', 'rescue mission' or some such ...
while parents grapple in turmoil
and hope floats {in}to the skyline.

I gaze at the clump of Daisies
my mind in that half[-]forgotten place
where wounds are concealed.
How deep the damage might have been
if my offspring had gone missing[.]

Just some thoughts ... feel free to use or toss, whichever you prefer! *smiles*

Cathy

[Siren]

Dear Eira,

How I've missed you! :) I read this aloud and felt a tug in my heart during the nurturing and loss.

I like the analogy of this. My perception of this is the comparison of losing a flower (something you've nurtured into growth) and the loss of a child. Kind of the lesser of two evils. (that's just me I guess)

I like how you approach the subject. The lure you have set at the flower shop, and how that one Daisy was so special (obvious in your naming her-- quite clever) :)

The last 2 S came as a surprise. They made me pause. How about switching stanzas. Maybe Italize the parts about the missing child and incorporate the lines in between stanzas. Just a thought. Then again my thoughts might not be too clear because of personal strain.

Great to read you again honey....

Hugs
Daniah

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Snow..this is an interesting take on missing pet and comparing it to a missing child, must have loved the pet and had it become an integral part of your life to miss it as much as someone might miss a child. good read.
Steve

[Eisa]

Hi Nina and thanks!

I often find it difficult to trim back FV and this has really helped.

Also, I found the last 2 lines difficult to explain what I meant. Your suggestion seems to have done that for me.

Thanks again

Snow

[Eisa]

Great suggestions Cathy.

The tense in the first and last stanzas are present and the stanzas in italics are as if I'm looking back. I'll see if I haven't made that clear enough. Thanks for mentioning.

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Daniah

Great to see you here. I like your suggestion about weaving the 2 stories together, that's a good idea and will look into it.

By the way ~ I was nurturing a lizard, but I like your interpretation.

Hope to see you soon

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Steve

Thanks for your comments here. The pet was well loved but I don't think anything would be as bad as loosing a child in this way. Glad you enjoyed.


Snow

[Eisa]

I decided to try Daniah's idea of weaving the 2 stories together

Snow

[Eisa]

Hi all

I feel I still have some work to do on this one -- any suggestions?

Snow

[Eisa]

A second revision at last!

Snow

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Snow!

I like the way you've interwoven the two stories! It works well... I've just a few thoughts for you to ponder, use or lose!

Cathy

Planted in reminiscence[,]
the[a] cluster of alabaster petals
flourishes.

She lived neglected
in a gloomy corner
at the far end of Pets Parade.

I nurtured Daisy
and she thrived[,]
creeping into my affection.

After years of barrenness
they adopted a girl[,]
doted on her as their own.

Three years on, collecting
my cold-blooded pets
from their holiday hotel,
my favourite was gone;
disbelief engulfed me.
A search found[revealed] no sign.

She did not return from school
-- no clues left behind.
parents grapple in turmoil
while hope floats to the skyline.

Did she scamper from her den?
-- or was she purloined?
I yearned for her return,
emotions snarling at uncertainty. 'with' instead of 'at'?

Did she run away?
or did some depraved soul
snatch and violate her?
Parents’ sleep is devoured
by the nightmares
that deluge waking hours.

I gaze at the daisy clump,
my mind in a half[-]forgotten place
where anguish was buried and
memories of my little gecko cherished.
Yet torment would fill eternity
if my offspring had gone[been] missing.

[Eisa]

Hi Cathy

I could have sworn I replied to this a few days ago -- just shows I don't know what I'm doing

I like all your suggestions and am going to make the changes now -- thank you!

Hugs Snow

[Eisa]

Another revision -- made some changes as I felt it was rather telly.

Snow

[Peterpan]

THIRD REVISION 11/12/06

Without Trace


Planted in reminiscence,
the cluster flourishes;
alabaster petals.

Frightened eyes peered
through plastic foliage --
breathing quickened
in her scrawny chest.
She must be saved
from Pets Parade.

Nurtured,
Daisy blossomed,
soon creeping
into my affection.

They glimpsed a mirage
in perpetual desert --
adoption brought an oasis
and she was doted on.

Collecting cold-blooded pets
from their holiday hotel,
my favourite was gone;
disbelief engulfed me.
Searching found no signs.

News Report:
She did not return from school,
leaving no clues.
Parents grapple in turmoil
as hope floats to the skyline. B> Although I understand what you mean with the 'child' I find this paragraph a bit confusing.

Was she purloined --
or did she scamper form her den?
Emotions snarling with uncertainty B> Like the animal-like snarling emotion! Good!
I yearned for her return.

Did she run away--
or some depraved soul
snatch and violate her?

I gaze at the daisy clump,
remembering my little gecko -- B> Just my thought: you have already spoken of a dog, cold-blooded pets, a child and now you mention a gecko. I find it a bit confusing exactly what your pet actually was. As I said, I know what you mean but, I think you have used many images and metaphors? Probably, because you are feeling so emotional on the subject. I understand! Perhaps, try and be less emotional and stick to one metaphor and develop it further? Let me know what you think.
anguish now buried.
Yet torment would devour my life
if my offspring had been missing.

Hi Eisa~

Another thought is to write like you have lost a child and at the end reveal that it was Daisy your faithful, furry friend!

These are just my thoughts for a Monday afternoon. You dont have to listen to any. Writing about pets is notoriously difficult, and you have done extremely well.

Let me know what you think.

Bev



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2ND REVISION

Daisies Grow

Planted in reminiscence,
a cluster of alabaster petals
flourishes.

She lived neglected
in a gloomy corner
at the far end of Pets Parade.

I nurtured Daisy
and she thrived,
creeping into my affection.

After years of barrenness
they adopted a girl
doted on her as their own.

Three years on, collecting
my cold-blooded pets
from their holiday hotel,
my favourite was gone;
disbelief engulfed me.
A search revealed no sign.

She did not return from school
-- no clues left behind.
parents grapple in turmoil
while hope floats to the skyline.

Did she scamper from her den?
-- or was she purloined?
I yearned for her return,
emotions snarling at uncertainty.

Did she run away?
or did some depraved soul
snatch and violate her?
Parents’ sleep is devoured
by the nightmares
that deluge waking hours.

I gaze at the daisy clump,
my mind in a half forgotten place
where anguish was buried and
memories of my little gecko cherished.
Yet torment would fill eternity
if my offspring had been missing.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Liked Daniah's suggestions for weaving the two stories together, and I am trying that in this revision.

Where Daisies Grow (revision Aug 12th 2006)

A cluster flourishes
-- alabaster petals
planted in reminiscence.

At the far end of the shop
Daisy was neglected,
stature diminutive
to most Leopard Geckos.

Nurtured she thrived
and crept into my heart.

After years of barrenness
they adopted a child
doted on her as their own.

Three years on, collecting
cold-blooded pets
from their holiday hotel,
my favourite was gone;
disbelief engulfed me.
A search found no sign.

She is lost -- not,
returning from school.
A pursuit reveals no clues;
parents grapple in turmoil
while hope floats to the skyline.

Did she scamper from her den?
-- or was she purloined?
I yearned for her return,
emotions snarling at uncertainty.

Did she run away?
or did some depraved soul
snatch and violate her?
Parents’ sleep is devoured by nightmares
that deluge waking hours.

I gaze at the daisy clump,
my mind in a half forgotten place
where anguish is buried.
Torment would fill eternity
if my offspring had gone missing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where Daisies Grow (original May 2006)

Beneath a climbing rose
the cluster flourishes
-- alabaster petals
planted in reminiscence.

I happened upon Daisy,
neglected
at the far end of the shop.
Her stature was diminutive
to most other Leopard Geckos.

At home I nurtured her;
she thrived,
and crept into my heart.


Three years on, collecting
my cold-blooded pets
from their holiday hotel,
my favourite was gone;
I was engulfed in disbelief.
A search revealed no sign.

Did she scamper from her den?
-- or perhaps she was purloined
by crooked hands.
For eternity I yearned for her return,
emotions snarling at uncertainty.


A family’s child is lost -- not,
returning home from school.
A search party finds no signs
while parents grapple in turmoil
and hope floats into the skyline.

I gaze at the clump of Daisies
my mind in that half forgotten place
where wounds are concealed.
How deep the damage might have been
if my offspring had gone missing

[Eisa]

Hi Bev

I really have confused you here haven't I?


"you have already spoken of a dog, cold-blooded pets, a child and now you mention a gecko. I find it a bit confusing exactly what your pet actually was. As I said, I know what you mean but, I think you have used many images and metaphors? Probably, because you are feeling so emotional on the subject. I understand! Perhaps, try and be less emotional and stick to one metaphor and develop it further? Let me know what you think."

I didn't actually mention a dog anywhere. The poem is about one pet --a gecko, which is why I say 'cold blooded pets' as my geckos are cold- blooded reptiles.
The story is about a gecko I bought, interlinked with a story of an adopted child (I read about) and I have tried to show the paralells between the two stories. I end trying to show that how ever awful it is to lose a pet, to lose a child is worse.
I didn't think I was being so emotional as this actually happened 5 years ago.

I will think how I can make this clearer -- though I don't think anyone else has had a problem yet. Perhaps it is the recent changes I have made in wording though. I'll give this some thought as soon as I can.

Snow

[Peterpan]

Hi Eisa!

Giggle, giggle - yes I was confused. With Pets Parade I think I got the 'dog' part - not thinking of a gecko from the start!!!!!

I see it now. Perhaps it is just me!

I even looked back at your other revisions and they did not help my confusion!

Sorry I got the wrong impression. I will take another look.

Bev

[Mysty]

Hiya Eisa

I like this Third Revision version the best.... I liked watching your process from beginning to this one. Awesome work.

~Mysty~

[Eisa]

Hi Eisa!

Giggle, giggle - yes I was confused. With Pets Parade I think I got the 'dog' part - not thinking of a gecko from the start!!!!!

I see it now. Perhaps it is just me!

I even looked back at your other revisions and they did not help my confusion!

Sorry I got the wrong impression. I will take another look.

Bev

Never mind Bev -- I often don't get the plot straight away.

I am still looking to make certain lines clearer.

Snow