Withhold Not, and Enter, Really, it's untitled, at least as yet. Options

[Guest_sehrgut_*]

Would thou withhold from me the thing
thy presence makes me know I need?
Cruel 'twould be to shade me here,
and even shower mist around and one me,
and yet to grant no sating shower.

Chill to bone am I, or say
that only bones are chilled within,
and want the warmth thy smile swore.
My flesh, though warm, has not the warmth that bone
might take to quench its icy core.

Hollow 'tis, this life that, sturdy, on thee must depend.
Hollow is a cave; would thou, warm, the chill explore?

[Guest_Taita_*]

Hey, Sehgrut.

Nice to read you.  :grinning:

You definitely have your own style and it's one I appreciate. I also love your  picture. Cool stuff.

Nice opening 2 lines to introduce the theme...L3 is a great line.
L4 you have 'one' when I think you need 'on'?

I'd be inclined to say'....and yet not grant the sating shower ...in L5

I get lost in the way you phrase things from this point.

quench its marrow core maybe? by that stage we are well aware of the chill theme....

I guess the diction you've adopted qualifies some of the way things are phrased but the last line is distracting despite knowing what you are saying. I guess the main point for me is that for the last half of the poem I had to struggle to line up what you were saying in my mind and have it follow and flow as far as syntax etc. Not my strong point at any rate.

Has a timeless feel to it and the theme is a really good one.
Hope you can get some help from someone less challenged and more knowledgeable in the use of English that me.

Take or toss.

Best wishes,
Daniel.

[Guest_sehrgut_*]

Daniel-

Many thanks for the analysis. I do have trouble sometimes with my typing: I'd much rather scan my handwritten poems and put them up, but besides not being possible, I don't think you guys would be able to read my writing!

L4 you have 'one' when I think you need 'on'?

So, yes, I mean on. <grin>

I'd be inclined to say'....and yet not grant the sating shower ...in L5

Quite right. My original line is quite awkward. However, I think it'll be "a sating shower", to remain more in keeping with the original. i.e. "No" is opposite "a" or "one", rather than "the".

quench its marrow core maybe? by that stage we are well aware of the chill theme....

Yes, quenching ice is an odd idea, but you know how excessively cold objects can feel hot at first touch?

. . . the last line is distracting despite knowing what you are saying.

Hmmmm. I did struggle on that line. The difficulty is in trying to keep this within sonnet form, and yet fit all the ideas. I think I may have to drop the whole "cave" metaphor which needs, I think, more than one line to develop. Or, I could just add another quatrain about the cave. (My definition of a sonnet permits such: I figure the only way to include under one definition all the sonnets which have been called such by our illustrious past authors, the definition must be sufficiently wide. Thus, a repeating stanzaic unit (in this case a quatrain) concluded by a unique stanza, such as a couplet.)

Has a timeless feel to it and the theme is a really good one.

Thank you. I really do strive for timelessness in nearly all I write. And when I do fix a piece in time, it invariably ends up being Victorian England. (Though technology continued to develop past then, I don't believe civilization has.) In fact, one of my prose pieces, "High Up and Unstable", illustrates how I try to keep things universally applicable by never mentioning anything which could fix the plot in time.

Cheers!
— Keith

p.s.: This is very nearly a goodby-for-now post. Read my latest reply to "High Up and Unstable" for details.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Is it possible to find substitute words without changing your meaning?

shower used twice
chill/chilled- three times
bone- three times
warm/warmth- four times
hollow- twice

I just think that its a bit too much repetition.  Unless of course they need to be used to get your point across.

Cathy