Unfinished Work Options

[Norman D Gutter]

Unfinished Work

To do the work you gave me as a father,
Lord, demands too much of me, too much.
I live life drained, and can’t do what I’d rather
do for lack of time. Right now she’ll clutch
to me, insisting to be close. I hint
that she should play with friends, leave me alone.
Yet still she stays close by, clinging like lint.
I love her, but right now I wish her grown.

Did I really say that? What’s wrong with me?
Why do I struggle so with fatherhood?
I’m up, I’m down, a yo-yo man. Can’t see
results, or if I cause her harm or good.
So, Lord, I’m begging You, give me a sign;
help me to willingly give up my time.

“Let me, let me!” she cries and grabs the mower,
confident she’s helping out her dad.
He sighs, because he knows his work goes slower
when she “helps.” Oh well, I won’t get mad.
Today’s the day I set aside and gave
to her. Although, if she’d just go and play
I might have time to fix that screen and save
myself a bunch of work another day.

She stumbles, causing him to slow a bit.
He chides himself for thinking of his needs,
and swerves hard left to miss her baseball mitt.
He knows today’s his chance to plant some seeds.
Her life’s my work right now. That screen can wait.
“Hey little girl, let’s cut a figure eight!”

I need a transformation of the mind,
an extra jolt that transcends common sense,
and wisdom that will check me when I’m dense,
or driven till I’m weary, dull, and blind.
Each time I’m all consumed by daily grind,
I ought to watch my girl, ’cause just a glance
of her at play confirms it’s not by chance
that I’m her dad. I hope today will bind
us close together, even more than planned.
I’m so ashamed I almost did my worst
and put my cherished wants, not her needs, first.
This gift from God’s a joy, not a demand.
Forgive me, Lord, for thinking it a bother
to do the work You gave me as a father.

[heartsong7]

Hi Dave,

You've a touching sonnet series that poses some courageous and honest questioning by an over-stressed father.
I notice that the first 2 are English sonnets and the 3rd, which seems to resolve his doubts is a Pet.
Is that intentional?
I'm ok with most of the meter and don't mind some of the slant rhymes, like sign/time, much /clutch... The father/rather pair are a stretch for me. The father/bother pair in the 3rd sonnet are good. Other rhymes are simple but strong... meaning they don't detract the reader from the message.
I'll try to get back for another look re: some of the rough spots (for me) meterwise...like:
I live life drained which has 3 stressed words in a row.
and this...Did I really say that? What’s wrong with me? really bumps to my ear.

An ambitious piece... well handled for the most part.

Take care.
Sue

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Norman,

The stress of parenthood can be quite heavy at times. You've done a good job of describing the emotional struggle that a parent goes through when having feelings like this. But... before I open mouth, insert foot I need some clarification and maybe some education. I see where Sue thinks these are sonnets and I was wondering if they are? I thought sonnets were iambic and some of your lines don't seem to fit that pattern. So I will await enlightenment before going any further and embarrassing myself! LOL

Cathy

[jgdittier]

Dear Norman,
It seems to me that the sonnet is the queen of poetic forms and as so is entitled to greater adherence to form than its sisters.
I take them as sonnets and so reduce in my mind the freedom from form that perhaps the ballad might allow.
42 lines though make for many potential nits. However, the sincerity throughout, like a shame-filled father in prayer, has the effect for me in actually being a ploy of the poet. It seems that the nits perceived by one reader may be attributed to the author's mode of presenting both sincerity and his conflicting schedules.
Cathy has indicated she can comment better once she knows your intent. I agree with her.
I see a clue in that lines 1&42 are identical, suggesting considerable forethought in laying out the poem and so I'll presume that just as mixed meter can bring out emphasis, the occasional 13th syllable, etc, can imply sincerity.

I think we need your comment first.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Norman D Gutter]

Thanks Sue, Cathy, and Ron for taking time to read and comment on these.

I do indeed intend for this to be a sonnet sequence, though with the third one Petrarchan instead of Shakespearean.

Cathy: You are correct that these, as sonnets, should be iambic. I think they are for the most part, with variations in meter which I hope and believe are within acceptable variations. People often talk about strict iambic meter. But a metrical pattern that is strict can be worse than having a few substitue feet. It can seem as comical even. Most of the serious metricists, after whom I try to pattern my work, use substitute feet to break up the pattern. MM has a post at Karnak Crossing that discusses substitutions.

My first line includes an extra, unstressed syllable at the end, usually called a feminine ending but perhaps more correctly called a hypermetrical ending. This is an acceptable variation of the meter, I believe. When I do this, I sometimes go with a headless iamb to begin the next line. This smooths out the reading to my ear. It does result in one line having 11 syllables and the next line 9, but the lines are still basically iambic.

If you have any specific places where the meter does not seem iambic, I'd be interested in knowing where they are.

Best Regards,
NDG

[AMETHYST]

Hi Dave,


Oh yes ... I see that you've taken that one Sonnet from Father Daughter Day, as he mows the lawn and built around it using other Sonnets. I think that is a very strong goal and works for me. I suppose because I am familiar with the intentions of the Manuscript and can see how the Trio works on a whole.

First, I think the title is absolutely magnificent, as it refers to both the unfinished work of raising a child and the unfinished work of daily chores and tasks. The dual reference strengthens the idea of the Sonnets, as the narrator is simultaneously conflicted with both and Unfinished Work, implies both at the same time.

I also think most of the meter is acceptable, but Like Sue, I felt a few bumps that aren't working. I have just printed this out and will return with some more specific thoughts and comments. I do like this very much.

I am very excited about Father Daughter Day and hope to see it make great achievements to come. I am glad to see some further work on it.

Hugs, Liz ...

Unfinished Work

To do the work you gave me as a father,
Lord, demands too much of me, too much.
I live life drained, and can’t do what I’d rather
do for lack of time. Right now she’ll clutch
to me, insisting to be close. I hint
that she should play with friends, leave me alone.
Yet still she stays close by, clinging like lint.
I love her, but right now I wish her grown.

Did I really say that? What’s wrong with me?
Why do I struggle so with fatherhood?
I’m up, I’m down, a yo-yo man. Can’t see
results, or if I cause her harm or good.
So, Lord, I’m begging You, give me a sign;
help me to willingly give up my time.


“Let me, let me!” she cries and grabs the mower,
confident she’s helping out her dad.
He sighs, because he knows his work goes slower
when she “helps.” Oh well, I won’t get mad.
Today’s the day I set aside and gave
to her. Although, if she’d just go and play
I might have time to fix that screen and save
myself a bunch of work another day.

She stumbles, causing him to slow a bit.
He chides himself for thinking of his needs,
and swerves hard left to miss her baseball mitt.
He knows today’s his chance to plant some seeds.
Her life’s my work right now. That screen can wait.
“Hey little girl, let’s cut a figure eight!”

I need a transformation of the mind,
an extra jolt that transcends common sense,
and wisdom that will check me when I’m dense,
or driven till I’m weary, dull, and blind.
Each time I’m all consumed by daily grind,
I ought to watch my girl, ’cause just a glance
of her at play confirms it’s not by chance
that I’m her dad. I hope today will bind
us close together, even more than planned.
I’m so ashamed I almost did my worst
and put my cherished wants, not her needs, first.
This gift from God’s a joy, not a demand.
Forgive me, Lord, for thinking it a bother
to do the work You gave me as a father.

[Mary Boren]

Hi Norm,

Nice sentiments, adequately expressed. Mmm, is adequate sufficient for you?

If you have any specific places where the meter does not seem iambic, I'd be interested in knowing where they are.

Did I really say that? What's wrong with me?

Ha! Sounds like you're responding to your own question there.

did i REAL ly SAY THAT? WHAT'S WRONG with ME?

I'll grant you that scansion varies region to region, or from mood to mood, but this is a far cry from iambic on any front. Even so, one lumpy line is not my biggest concern here. The poem doubles back several times to cover the same ground, and there is a plodding feel throughout the 42 lines. Maybe that's your intent, considering the mindset of the narrator, but it's a lot of ask of a reader. Why does it plod? Well, for one thing, of the 344 words (yes, I counted), only 33 have two syllables, 3 have three, and 1 has four. Of the 308 single-syllablers, 134 or more are nonworking words. (i.e., articles, pronouns, conjunctions)

I'm sorry to be so obsessive compulsive about numbers, but I was curious about why it wasn't grabbing me, and felt you should know that the only word in this poem that made me sit up and take notice was transformation. I think you have the raw material here to transform it into something special, but I'm not sure it wants to be a sonnet sequence.

I like the figure eight a lot.

Hope this helps. I'm delighted to see you writing again, and the last thing I'd want to do is dampen your enthusiasm.

Mary

[Norman D Gutter]

Liz: Thanks for the initial comments. I'll look forward to more if you get the time.

Mary: I did intend for the dad to bounce back and forth as he struggles with his duties as a mentor versus his obligations as a homeowner. Hopefully his change of heart is evident by the end. I agree that L9 is a clunker, but unfortunately inspiration hasn't come and perspiration hasn't worked. As to the word choice, I guess I'm just a common words kind of poet. The big word, multiple syllable word type poems usually turn me off, for the look like the poet is trying too hard. I like simple words, mixed into new ideas. That's not to say I'm satisfied with it. I'm hoping to generate ideas for improvements.

NDG

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hey Norman!

Cathy: You are correct that these, as sonnets, should be iambic. I think they are for the most part, with variations in meter which I hope and believe are within acceptable variations. People often talk about strict iambic meter. But a metrical pattern that is strict can be worse than having a few substitue feet. It can seem as comical even. Most of the serious metricists, after whom I try to pattern my work, use substitute feet to break up the pattern. MM has a post at Karnak Crossing that discusses substitutions.

I wouldn't know an 'acceptable variation' if it came up and bit me in the rear! ROFL

My first line includes an extra, unstressed syllable at the end, usually called a feminine ending but perhaps more correctly called a hypermetrical ending. This is an acceptable variation of the meter, I believe. When I do this, I sometimes go with a headless iamb to begin the next line. This smooths out the reading to my ear. It does result in one line having 11 syllables and the next line 9, but the lines are still basically iambic.

LOL Please excuse my lack of education! I've just recently come to terms with iambics and I still have yet to figure out headless iambs and substitutions. I have some studying to do! LOL

If you have any specific places where the meter does not seem iambic, I'd be interested in knowing where they are.

I'll take another look (with your explanations in mind) and I shall return!

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Norman,

It's me again! LOL

I guess the only place that I stumble is

Did I really say that? What’s wrong with me?

Maybe...

Did I say that? What on earth is wrong with me?

Of course that gives you two fairly heavy stressed words together... 'that' and 'what'. Is that what you call a double iamb?

Cathy

[Norman D Gutter]

Cathy:

I agree that line is a clunker. Hopefully I'll get it fixed.

NDG

[Judi]

Unfinished Work

To do the work you gave me as a father,
Lord, demands too much of me, too much.
I live life drained, and can’t do what I’d rather
do for lack of time. Right now she’ll clutch
to me, insisting to be close. I hint
that she should play with friends, leave me alone.
Yet still she stays close by, clinging like lint. Maybe "and clings"
I love her, but right now I wish her grown.

Did I (really) say that? (What’s) wrong with me? Would read "Did I say that? What is wrong with me"
evens out meter on that line
Why do I struggle so with fatherhood?
I’m up, I’m down, a yo-yo man. Can’t see
results, or if I cause her harm or good.
So, Lord, I’m begging You, give me a sign;
help me to willingly give up my time.

“Let me, (let me!)” she cries and grabs the mower, "Let me help" would make the meter correct!
confident she’s helping out her dad. He sighs (because) he knows his work will {just }go slower delete because-add just
when she “helps.” Oh well, I won’t get mad.
Today’s the day I set aside and gave
to her. Although, if she’d just go and play
I might have time to fix that screen and save
myself a bunch of work another day.

She stumbles, causing him to slow a bit.
He chides himself for thinking of his needs,
and swerves hard left to miss her baseball mitt.
He knows today’s his chance to plant some seeds.

Her life’s my work right now. That screen can wait.
“Hey little girl, let’s cut a figure eight!”

I need a transformation of the mind,
an extra jolt that transcends common sense,
and wisdom that will check me when I’m dense,
or driven till I’m weary, dull, and blind.
Each time I’m all consumed by daily grind,
I ought to watch my girl, ’cause just a glance
of her at play confirms it’s not by chance
that I’m her dad. I hope today will bind
us close together, even more than planned.
I’m so ashamed I almost did my worst
and put my cherished wants, not her needs, first.
This gift from God’s a joy, not a demand.
Forgive me, Lord, for thinking it a bother
to do the work You gave me as a father.

This is wonderful...how well I can relate to this as a mother and a grandmother who is raising her 5th grandchild...I only changed several things to correct your meter a bit..I enjoyed the read so much! Judi

[jgdittier]

Dear Norman,
I believe you are familiar with jtb, John Baker, my idol, now deceased.
John and I once discussed word lengths in poetry and John suggested that 130-140 syllables per 100 words seemed to him to be a fair balance. It was just his preference but I do greatly respect his work and my guess is he had good reason. Over the years I've forgotten to bother to make the count as my guess is we become more confident of our style.
As I read "Unfinished WorK", I thought it's message was somewhat simple and that the delivery matched the mood. That's not to say a relatively complete rewrite would not better convey the message, but then, I wouldn't bet on it. Sometimes we find that our first instinct should persevere.
I admire greatly your last two lines. Had your piece contained 56 or 70 lines, your closing couplet would wrap them up just as well.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Norman D Gutter]

Thanks for the comments, Judi, and for taking the time to read and comment.

Thanks, Ron, for coming back to this, and for the thoughts about word length in poetry. I, too, like the closing couplet. In fact, it is the climax couplet in the book of which this poem forms a part.

NDG

[Mary Boren]

As to the word choice, I guess I'm just a common words kind of poet. The big word, multiple syllable word type poems usually turn me off, for the look like the poet is trying too hard.

Okay, fair enough then, Norm. I'll know to avoid that topic with you. For future reference, what kind of critique are you interested in receiving? I've added some general fodder for thought on the art of critiquing to your fine article at the top of this forum.

Mary

[Norman D Gutter]

Mary:

I'm interested in any type of critique someone wants to give; I don't believe in restricting critique, or requesting a certain type of critique. When I put the poem out there in the world, it belongs to the critter, not to me. But knowing that all critique is opinion and not absolute truth, I get to pick and choose among the critiques given those which will most help with my intent for the poem. And please don't think I was belittling your critique for, although it brought out some aspects of the poem where my tastes differ from your tastes, the critique was indeed valid and appreciated.

I'll check out your post about critiquing. BTW, my enthusiasm for writing is at an all time low right now, and getting this piece finished was a struggle. Life needs and obligations are choking out life wants, and I'll probably be taking a lengthy break from from writing as soon as the critique of this poem is complete.

Best Regards,
NDG