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Poverty, Senryu |
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Jun 26 08, 16:36
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,505
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Poverty
Poverty guides one across chasms which divide his needs from his wants
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Jun 30 08, 14:29
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 698
Joined: 29-May 06
From: US East Coast
Member No.: 185
Real Name: Peggy Harwood
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:just wandered in
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Hi Larry,
Quite an original idea!!
Since you use the pronoun "one," the poem shouldn't say "your." The poem should instead say "his."
I like the separation of "wants" from "needs" with a "chasm." I'd never thought about that before!!
Peggy
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Jun 30 08, 19:06
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Larry, Yes, I tend to agree that the tense might need some tweaking here. I think an easy fix is to change the two 'your's to 'his' instead: Poverty guides one across chasms which divide his needs from his wants. An interesting viewpoint. Does poverty guide someone though, or are they forced into it by virtue of the situations dealt to them and the manner that they respond? I suppose if one extends their wants far beyond their needs they will have a magnitude of 'things' and a huge debt on their shoulders, but I don't think of poverty as someone having lots of 'things'. I envision poverty as a state of being where one does not have the 'needed things' to survive. They are in great need of the basic necessities such as food, water, shelter, not to mention love, family, friends. It's great to have 'wants', don't get me wrong, but only if the needs are taken care of. So I guess the end result could be poverty? Another view would be that 'poverty divides' in L1 - then replace L2 with the outcome of the person? Enjoyed the read, ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jun 30 08, 20:14
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,505
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hi Peggy and Lori,
Thanks for the visit, read and crits.
If we, as humans, did not try to maintain a "certain" standard of living and lived only on what we needed, capitalism would die a swift death. Our wants, on the other hand, are not really necessities. Poverty guides (or lets someone obtain a new perspective) on the differences.
Poverty, in this instance, is an entity who assists us in this understanding. It actually forces those who exist in this state to realize they really don't want this or that thing. Poverty is much like a cattle prod in this context. The cattle prod does guide (very forcefully) the reluctant ones on a chosen path. Poverty does much the same. I think that a lot of "poverty stricken" people suffer from too much pride or have been institutionalized by being on the dole and are unwilling to change how or where they work, live, etc. It is a state of being which eventually turns into a state of mind for those who either give up trying or don't care. Poverty has little to do with how much money one makes. It has a lot to do with the choices made. I've seen a lot of "rich" people who are abjectly poverty stricken and don't even realize it.
I agree on the singular/plural change and will edit "Poverty" post haste.
Thanks, Larry
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Jul 1 08, 15:38
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
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From: Birmingham, England
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Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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QUOTE (Larry @ Jun 26 08, 22:36 ) Poverty
Poverty guides one across chasms which divide his needs from his wants An interesting discussion you have started here Larry and give much food for thought. As to your haiku/senryu - I don't know if you strictly follow the 5-7-5 rule, but there is another way of thinking that concisesness is best (and now acceptlable) Poverty guides across chasms dividing needs from wantsThis would mean the same but consicely. Thanks for sharing you thoughts. Snow
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Jul 2 08, 00:34
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,505
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hi Snow,
Thanks for dropping in for a read. I do love conciseness but am also enamored with the strict 5-7-5 format of both Haiku and Senryu. They force the writer to pick each word with care so as to convey their thoughts in as precise a manner as possible. I've never been a minimalist and would have to force myself into changing the style I have utilized for a few decades. Your suggestion made me think of how to use as few words as possible and convey the same meaning. I came up with:
Poverty excludes wants
That is about as short as I can make it: 3-2-1!
Thank you for your input and the thoughts obtained from your concise crit.
Larry
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Jul 2 08, 05:32
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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VERY GOOD, Larry! 3.2.1 - just like a Bose product I have at the house. Once I'm back from this mini-vacation long weekend, I'll take a look at drafting your Haiku book too and send you some info in email. TTYL ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Guest_sigh_*
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Oct 9 08, 11:58
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Guest
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I really liked this, a lot. I might be way off base on this but, could you drop the 'one' and the 'his' totally?
Poverty guides, across chasms which divide, needs from wants
Just a suggestion :)
nice piece
thanks, sigh
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