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Painful Frustration / was Hurricane, Senryu ~ Revised 7/17/07 |
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jun 23 07, 15:34
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What about...
frustration crackles in twisted wet towel snaps; migraine Hurricane
frustrated a toss of the towel hurricane
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Jun 25 07, 11:51
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 376
Joined: 28-May 07
From: Co. Galway, Ireland
Member No.: 440
Real Name: Terry O C
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Ephiny
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QUOTE (Cathy @ Jun 23 07, 21:34 ) Hurricane
frustrated a toss of the towel hurricane Hi Cathy, I would say its a senryu, its satirical and obviously contains reference to a persons emotions and human objects. I was reading about senryu somewhere, and it said that they sometimes flirt with the form of haiku but they do not have to have a seasonal reference, although that is up to the author. When I read this, the image conjured was one of a domestic disturbance between two people. But after reading it a couple of more times it kept changing into an inner conflict(a person annoyed with themselves). I think it is open to different interpretation, which I don't think is a bad thing but maybe it would be better to try focus the attention on one of the above interpretations (or maybe I've missed your meaning on this one) Its a little vague as it stands IMO. Hope that was of some use, use or lose as you please Terry
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Terrylight lights light
--Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates."--Oscar WildeMM Award Winner
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jun 25 07, 12:40
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Guest
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QUOTE (Terocon101 @ Jun 25 07, 12:51 ) QUOTE (Cathy @ Jun 23 07, 21:34 ) Hurricane
frustrated a toss of the towel hurricane Hi Cathy, I would say its a senryu, its satirical and obviously contains reference to a persons emotions and human objects. I was reading about senryu somewhere, and it said that they sometimes flirt with the form of haiku but they do not have to have a seasonal reference, although that is up to the author.] I think you're right about it being senryu. Although it was meant to be haiku! lolWhen I read this, the image conjured was one of a domestic disturbance between two people. But after reading it a couple of more times it kept changing into an inner conflict(a person annoyed with themselves). I think it is open to different interpretation, which I don't think is a bad thing but maybe it would be better to try focus the attention on one of the above interpretations (or maybe I've missed your meaning on this one) Its a little vague as it stands IMO. You were right the second guess. These were my thoughts the other day when I popped in here to read a few more haiku. I've never been able to master them and just when I think I might be catching on the params change. I am so confused, thus the thoughts in the poem. I have a few more that I thought about lumping together in the Karnak thread but I'm almost afraid too. A simple 3 line poem and I can't write one! LOL Is that irony or what?? You also mentioned focusing attention and not being vague but I hear just the opposite. Don't tell or show too much... leave it to reader interpretation. So which is it? LOLHope that was of some use, use or lose as you please I appreciate your help and I will try to work on this again soon. Thanks Terry!
CathyTerry
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Jun 25 07, 16:21
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 376
Joined: 28-May 07
From: Co. Galway, Ireland
Member No.: 440
Real Name: Terry O C
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Ephiny
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Cathy,
don't do it, dont throw in the towel, lol. Maybe you need to get back to the enjoyment of it, trying too hard definitely severs inspirational ties, well it does for me anyway. I like to write haiku, I've tons of them but the haiku community may not think they are 'quite proper' but for me they do the trick. Every now and again I might feel like putting one out there, to enjoy the interaction, input and reactions from others, you learn so much. But you have to write for the right reason, you know, for yourself, thats just my opinion of course. But when the fun goes out of it, so does my interest usually, I'm not saying that hard work and concentration is bad but frustration definitely is.
For your poem, I've a suggestion:
frustrated haijin tossing the towel hurricane
What do you call the last line? Is it a kigo? well I'm not sure about the kigo in this one, seems wrong somehow. I cant put me finger on it.
Terry
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Terrylight lights light
--Raymond Rosliep "The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates."--Oscar WildeMM Award Winner
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Jun 25 07, 19:32
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Hi Cathy. Don't give up! I too find the japanese forms very difficult to grasp, but with practice, you'll master it! When I first read this one, I thought of an inner struggle, of a boxing ring where one tosses in the towel to signal defeat, but then when i read 'hurricane' - that made me think of a dog chasing his tail - round and round he goes, never catching the darn thing, getting all the more frustrated as he goes round and round and round and round and !@$%&^&.... Here, I think the first two lines are a tad repetitive - an action and reaction, frustration and tossing in the towel. Followng a boxer theme (just an exercise here, use or lose of course) - perhaps adding it to L1: Frustrated boxer tosses in the towel -- hurricane Does this help? ~Cleo
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Jun 26 07, 03:52
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hurricane
frustrated a toss of the towel hurricane Hi Cathy You've done a good job of showing the inner conflict here ... I like this one! I feel that L1&2 could flow together more, perhaps frustrated I toss in the towel -- hurricane
Snow
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Jun 28 07, 15:56
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 19,130
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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I think Snow is pointing in the right direction (as is Lori's advice, so don't throw in the towel!)... Maybe you could even go in this direction: frustration tosses in the towel; hurricane sLightly spinning, Daniel
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Guest_Rosemerta_*
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Jul 1 07, 14:31
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(((((Cathy))))) You have a great start here. However, Haiku (completely involves nature) and Senryu (coves just about everything else) both have 5-7-5 syllable lines. There are so many ways you can work what you already have. QUOTE (Cathy @ Jun 23 07, 14:34 ) Hurricane
frustrated a toss of the towel hurricane Haiku: frustrated are winds that toss with a towel snap hurricane become
Senryu: souls in frustration refrain toss of the towel insighting hurricane Hope this makes sense. ~~Jackie
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jul 17 07, 07:18
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Guest
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QUOTE (Terocon101 @ Jun 25 07, 17:21 ) Cathy,
don't do it, dont throw in the towel, lol. I won't! LOL Maybe you need to get back to the enjoyment of it, trying too hard definitely severs inspirational ties, well it does for me anyway. I like to write haiku, I've tons of them but the haiku community may not think they are 'quite proper' but for me they do the trick. Every now and again I might feel like putting one out there, to enjoy the interaction, input and reactions from others, you learn so much. But you have to write for the right reason, you know, for yourself, thats just my opinion of course. But when the fun goes out of it, so does my interest usually, I'm not saying that hard work and concentration is bad but frustration definitely is. Yes frustration is bad... all the way 'round! *smiles* But right now my enjoyment lies elsewhere... not that I plan to give up writing or enjoying a good read! Mastering the haiku isn't at the top of my priority list at the moment and if I can't enjoy it, it won't be! LOL Time will tell~
For your poem, I've a suggestion:
frustrated haijin tossing the towel hurricane
What do you call the last line? Is it a kigo? well I'm not sure about the kigo in this one, seems wrong somehow. I cant put me finger on it. I don't know what a haijin is, nor a kigo for that matter. I'd better look them up! Thanks for your suggestion... it's given me some thoughts of my own as well. I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to your comments though. Where are my manners??
Cathy
Terry
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jul 17 07, 07:22
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QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Jun 25 07, 20:32 ) Hi Cathy. Don't give up! I too find the japanese forms very difficult to grasp, but with practice, you'll master it! I'm not so sure of that! LOLWhen I first read this one, I thought of an inner struggle, of a boxing ring where one tosses in the towel to signal defeat, but then when i read 'hurricane' - that made me think of a dog chasing his tail - round and round he goes, never catching the darn thing, getting all the more frustrated as he goes round and round and round and round and !@$%&^&.... ROFL Cute imagery! Not quite what I was thinking at the time so maybe I'd better rewrite that!Here, I think the first two lines are a tad repetitive - an action and reaction, frustration and tossing in the towel. Followng a boxer theme (just an exercise here, use or lose of course) - perhaps adding it to L1: Frustrated boxer tosses in the towel -- hurricane Does this help? I'm afraid that to my sad brain it just confuses the issue! LOL What does a boxer have to do with a hurricane? Anyhoo, I'll get it one of these days!! Thanks Lori and I apologize for taking so long to respond to your comments.
Hugs, Cathy~Cleo
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jul 17 07, 07:25
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Guest
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QUOTE (Eisa @ Jun 26 07, 04:52 ) Hurricane
frustrated a toss of the towel hurricane Hi Cathy You've done a good job of showing the inner conflict here ... I like this one! I feel that L1&2 could flow together more, perhaps frustrated I toss in the towel -- hurricane
Snow Hi Snow! Thanks! Maybe a good job of showing it, but not right for this form! LOL I'll get it one of these days! Thanks for dropping by and being helpful as always~
Hugs, Cathy
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jul 17 07, 07:30
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Guest
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QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Jun 28 07, 16:56 ) I think Snow is pointing in the right direction (as is Lori's advice, so don't throw in the towel!)... Yeppers~ I've gotten some good suggestions!Maybe you could even go in this direction: frustration tosses in the towel; hurricane Yes... maybe! I can see though where I've mixed haiku and senryu (human nature and nature). Maybe a haikryu?? LOL As I asked Lori what does boxing have to do with hurricanes... but then, what does tossing in the towel have to do with them either?? I'm working on it!!
Thanks Daniel, CathysLightly spinning, Daniel
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Jul 17 07, 07:34
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Guest
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QUOTE (Rosemerta @ Jul 1 07, 15:31 ) (((((Cathy))))) You have a great start here. However, Haiku (completely involves nature) and Senryu (coves just about everything else) both have 5-7-5 syllable lines. There are so many ways you can work what you already have. QUOTE (Cathy @ Jun 23 07, 14:34 ) Hurricane
frustrated a toss of the towel hurricane Haiku: frustrated are winds that toss with a towel snap hurricane become
Senryu: souls in frustration refrain toss of the towel insighting hurricane Hope this makes sense. ~~Jackie Hi Jackie!
I like something from each of the suggestions you've made and now my mind is whirling! LOL I may pull this one off yet!
Thanks so much~ Cathy
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Aug 25 07, 12:10
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 19,130
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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um... jest ta get yer attention: frustrated, towel cracks behind her in shower; hurricane response Lightly, Daniel
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