Poor Old Man?

revision

Old man sits in his favorite chair
in front of the picture window
looking out at the world.
He watches people pass back and forth.
Cars and buses to pick up and drop off.
He watches through
seasons.
Always the same look on his face.
He makes up stories inside his head,
with running dialogs, and long complex lives,
-- he is content.

Two nurses walk by
thinking their comments are unheard.

He just sits there day after day,
been that way for years,
poor old fool

Yea, its such a shame
no real life, no family
...such is his lot.

The old man hears them and smiles inside,
for his stories include them also,
they are just unaware
of the parts they play,
just as we all are.

In his head he has
already refocused on the window,
... watching.

Original

Old man sitting in his favorite chair
right in front of the picture window
looking out at the world.
He watches all the people pass
back and forth each day, cars and
buses pick them up and drop them off.
He watches through the spring and fall,
summer and winter. Always the same look on his face.
He makes up stories for them inside his head,
with running dialogs, and long complex lives,
he is content.
Two nurses walking by comment to each other thinking that he can't hear:
"He just sits there day after day, been that way for years, poor old fool" "Yea, its such a shame no real life, no family...such is his lot."
The old man hears them and smiles inside, for his stories include them too,
they aren't aware of the parts they play out with in his head.
Already he has refocused on the window,
watching.

06 April 2010
© Steve Pray

Hey Steve,

I am impressed by this topic and find it written kind of prose-like. I feel it needs a bit of work but the concept is intriguing. The Old man isn't so poor after all. He is rich because he has seen so much and has a lifetime full of stories.

I will be back for a crit, but right now can't focus.

till then

Dani

Hi Steve,

I also like your idea behind this poem!!! The old man gives a false impression to all who see him. Seems like a poem about "Appearance and Reality" to me.

I too think this reads too much like prose, especially the long lines near the end. Perhaps re-structuring is called for. I also think you might do with a different title. Maybe using the theme as the title, Appearance and Reality.

I'm going to look in again and see if others have any good suggestions soon.

Peggy

very good, interesting portrait....the characters are fleshed out well

Dani and Peggy and Daniel, thank you all for stopping by and reading,,yea it is a bit prosey was written quite fast this morning as I was waking up part of my dream part of the waking process...lol. thats why I posted cuase i can use the help....
Goin to bed now
sleep well see you all tomm

Steve

I'd love it if you just took off the nurses. Leave it at he's content. I'm a sucker for happy endings and that would be a very comforting way to close the scene to me. If the nurses stay, I agree with everyone else, they need to be a little more disciplined. I like the 'Poor Old Man's' 'Camera Obscura'. I think he and I could share coffee and a nap.

'rum

Hi Steve

I posted a long critique last night but an error came up & I couldn't post (see staffr room thread) I'm just trying this message to see if I get the same response. If I can post in your thread I'll rewrite the critique tonight rather than cut & paste ... fingers crossed.

Snow

PS It's the cut & paste reply that's in error (just tried it again) - I'll be back to rewite my crit later on

Eisa, Sorry you seem to be having so much problem with cut and paste...strange... but it is ok I await your comments, as I already have some changes to be made from Peggy and I am hoping for a return of Dani also.

Take care
Steve

Hi Steve

This is a really interesting poem - a bit prose-like, but I suppose could be considered a narrative poem. I think that initially this would be helped by changing the format - some ideas below:-

Poor Old Man?

Old man sits(ting) in his favorite chair
(right) in front of the picture window
looking out at the world.
He watches (all the) people pass back and forth
(each day),
cars and buses pick (them) up and drop (them) off.
He watches through
(the) spring and fall, summer and winter.
Always the same look on his face.
He makes up stories (for them) inside his head,
with running dialogs, and long complex lives,
-- he is content.
Two nurses walk(ing) (by comment to each other thinking that he can't hear:)
thinking their comments are unheard.

"He just sits there day after day,
been that way for years,
poor old fool"

"Yea, its such a shame
no real life, no family
...such is his lot."

The old man hears them and smiles inside,
for his stories include them too,
(they aren't) unaware of the parts they play (out with) in his head.
Already he has refocused on the window,
... watching.

I think if you work on a better format to start - then work on getting this a bit less prose-like.
I'll be back!!!

Snow

Hooray!!!!!!! I've solved the problem!!

I emailed this to you Steve, but have at last got it here. The problem was the brackets I used were the square ones in the BB code so I changed them to the curved brackets. This has never been a problem before - always a 1st time

Snow

Snow....LOL LOL I got the email was going to paste but I see you already got it fixed.
Steve

Tee hee - I worked it offline - it was when Snow used the brackets around the word 'right' - it equates to 'right align' using BB code. !