Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> haiku, haiku
Guest_prerna bala_*
post Jan 14 09, 12:22
Post #1





Guest






revise 1

sloping roofs:
splash slides for snow
high noon sun



------------


splash!
sound of molten snow
waters down the cold
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Larry
post Jan 19 09, 15:43
Post #2


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 9,431
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hello Prerna,

As you've seen and replied to in Steve's Haiku, you must realize your's needs a bit of filling in to comply with the 5-7-5 structure. Here are some suggestions which might help:

splash!

Capitalize and make a statement!
Splash!
Then reiterate that with what that sound implied or what the sound made you imagine. Things like "Rain in springtime" or "Liquid music", et al. Utilize anything which will enhance the image in the reader's mind. What do you want them to see?

sound of molten snow

"Molten" implies, in nearly all instances, something hot. There are many synonyms which can be used that signify the melting of snow. If I might paraphrase Merlin, "There are many ways of saying the same thing." Line 2 should have the requisite 7 syllables.

waters down the cold

I'm not sure what you are trying to have the reader see in this line.

Please take/toss any or all of these suggestions. I see the overall mind picture you are trying to draw but would like to see it fleshed out a bit.

Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Eisa
post Jan 22 09, 15:22
Post #3


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



QUOTE (prerna bala @ Jan 14 09, 17:22 ) *
splash!
sound of molten snow
waters down the cold


Hi prerna

A nice concise haiku - although I'm trying to visualise the last line (I'm a bit slow today - LOL!)

I am aware that there are 2 forms of haiku, the traditional where a 5-7-5 line count is required & a more modern form where conciseness is the key. Yours fits the second one very well.

I can see why you used 'molten' as the snow is heated until it becomes water.

I'm sure I'll catch on to the last line eventually.

Altogether, a great haiku.
I'll be back if I think of any logical suggestions.

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_ohsteve_*
post Jan 26 09, 03:01
Post #4





Guest






Prenra, I unlike Snow have not heard of two forms of Haiku... This could be just considerd a very short poem, a stand on it's own thing. But even then that third line doesn't make much sense, I think you need just a little more content, and to me if you want a haiku you need that 5-7-5 sylable and usually a referance to nature.
Steve
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_prerna bala_*
post Jan 29 09, 15:56
Post #5





Guest






Larry, i want the reader to hear the sound of water.

sound of molten snow

"Molten" implies, in nearly all instances, something hot. There are many synonyms which can be used that signify the melting of snow. If I might paraphrase Merlin, "There are many ways of saying the same thing." Line 2 should have the requisite 7 syllables.

yes, Larry, but so does the first line, if i need to write a traditional ku. and i will
waters down the cold
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_prerna bala_*
post Jan 29 09, 16:01
Post #6





Guest






hi Snow, i intend to rewrite it as a 5-7-5 and also improve on the existing one , so any suggestions are welcome.
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_prerna bala_*
post Jan 29 09, 16:09
Post #7





Guest






yes steve.

so the traditional one reads :

splash of water drops
from sloping roofs to ice grounds
sun at work at noon!


but i would also like to keep the form of the above one, so :

Splash!
sound of molten snow
melting down the cold

-----
what do you people think, Larry, Snow, Steve ?
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_ohsteve_*
post Jan 29 09, 20:53
Post #8





Guest






Prerna, they are both good, if snow is correct in there being two forms of Hiaku, the first attempt would be fine.
Steve
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Cleo_Serapis
post Jan 30 09, 06:26
Post #9


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,891
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Hello Prerna.

Is this your revision to post?

splash of water drops
from sloping roofs to ice grounds
sun at work at noon!


It's hard to tell when one is making changes if you don't post them up in your original topic. DO you need help with that? All you need to do is go to your first post in this thread and then click on the "edit" button, paste in your revision at the top, leave a buitof space and re-title the original. I can assist if you'd like, let me know.

With this version above, I have a suggestion:

splash of water drops
from sloping roofs to ice grounds
sun at work at noon!



A twist for L1 mght be something like:
Splash! the water drops

A twist for L2 mght be something like:
from sloped roofs to frozen ground

I suggest a twist on the last line:
noon-time sun at work

Cheers,
~Cleo sun.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Larry
post Jan 30 09, 12:54
Post #10


Creative Chieftain
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 9,431
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hi Prerna,

I had trouble finding your revision until I read the entire thread. I do prefer the more formal style but "everyone to his/her own".

QUOTE
I want the reader to hear the sound of water.


If you want the reader to hear the sound of water, show them without telling them about it. Suggestions:

splash of water drops
Splash! Liquid cascades

from sloping roofs to ice grounds

from the eaves to icy ground.

sun at work at noon!

Sun frees Winter's grip.

These are just suggestions. Feel free to toss them all.

It is looking much better and I'm sure you will polish it to a beautiful lustre.

Larry


·······IPB·······

When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_prerna bala_*
post Jan 30 09, 16:28
Post #11





Guest






Steve, Cleo and Larry, thank you.

Steve, i want to write in both trad. and non-trad, so ...

Cleo, yes i will do that, i love your suggestions.
Larry, yes, got the picture.

May i post the revises sometime on Sunday, after thinking about them ?
thank you
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Sekhmet
post Feb 26 09, 14:03
Post #12


Greek
***

Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 743
Joined: 3-February 09
From: Abingdon, Oxfordshire,UK
Member No.: 754
Real Name: Leonora Wyatt
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:No one at all



Hello Perna balla Steve, Cleo & Larry.
For someone trying to come to terms with this fascinating form of poetry, this has been a very illuminating correspondence. It is obvious that each of you has your own personal, and strongly held views about what constitutes a Haiku - but you discussed the subject with great good humour - each contributing something of interest. As an absolute beginner - I understood more of what perna balla was conveying from reading the more 'trad' version. The words, 'from sloping roofs to ice grounds' painted a vivid mental picture.
Thanks for the lesson.
Leo


·······IPB·······

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_prerna bala_*
post Jul 22 09, 05:01
Post #13





Guest






hi,

have been away from the boards for sometime i should say rolleyes.gif

but i would like to improve o the haiku, let us see if distancing myself from the haiku did any good to the inherent understanding of its handicaps :

this is summer but anyhow , here is a very -out of season but in the Alps- revise:


sloping roofs-
splash slides for snow
high noon sun


blush21.gif

 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 19th September 2019 - 10:45




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: