and I let you go Options

[Siren]

Note: A preliminary revision... Forgive me for the delay...

Revision #1


and I let you go
like Summer Sun slipping into Autumn
its searing kisses
flailing cooling earth
as Winter nears.

and I let you go
like sown years rustling past
and you but a candied memory
melting through.

and I let you go
like run-down shackles
of an unkempt home
collapsing into rubble.

and I let you go
like a shuttle
refueled for a glorified journey
shattering latched on dreams
with its final blast.

Spearing tears
dissolve whispering filaments;
and my lips quiver
as I let you go...


Original

and I let you go
like summer's sun wading into autumn
its searing kisses flailing on cooling earth,
so close to winter.

and I let you go
like sweet years running past memory lane
with you but a mere day in their expanse,
hurriedly disappearing.

and I let you go
like run down shackles of a home
unkempt, dissipating into rubble
bashed in.

and I let you go
like a shuttle refueled for a glorified journey
dreams latched onto its final blast
shattering

whispering filaments dissolved
by spearing tears,
lips quiver
as I let you go...

trying to wade through all that noise...

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Dani

It is good to read your poetry again. A poem full of regret for what you let go and can no longer have.

Some thoughts for you. Take them or reject as you wish. My apologies if my ideas are too far away from your intention.

[add] {delete} comment

and I let you go
like {s}[S]ummer{'s} {s}[S]un wading into {a}[A]utumn ..how about slips instead of wading?
its searing kisses flailing {on} cooling earth,
{so close to winter}[ as Winter nears].

and I let you go
like sweet years running past memory lane ..I think memory lane is a cliche
with you but a mere day in their expanse,
{hurriedly} disappearing.

I think I understand what you are trying to say but I'm not sure.

Suggestion

and I let you go
like the fading memory
of a mere day with you.


and I let you go
like run[-]down shackles of a[n] [unkempt] home
{unkempt}, {dissipating}[collapsing] into rubble ..I don't think dissipate works here
{bashed in}.

and I let you go
like a shuttle refueled for a glorified journey
[shatters] [latched-on]dreams {latched onto}[with] its final blast
{shattering}

whispering filaments dissolved
by spearing tears, ...I love the imagery
lips quiver
as I let you go...

suggestion:

Spearing tears
disolve whispering filaments;
lips quiver
as I let you go...

trying to wade through all that noise... ..I'm not sure this line works as it doesn't seem to relate to the previous verses. I'd leave it out.


thus:

and I let you go
like Summer Sun slips into Autumn;
its searing kisses
flailing cooling earth,
as Winter nears.

and I let you go
like the fading memory
of a mere day with you.

and I let you go
like run-down shackles
of an unkempt home
collapsing into rubble.

and I let you go
like a shuttle
refueled for a glorified journey
shatters latched-on dreams
with its final blast.


Spearing tears
disolve whispering filaments;
lips quiver
as I let you go...

[Guest_Rosemerta_*]

Greetings Siren,

(I'll try this again as my review was lost when I tried to post it.)

I really liked the message in your poem and the way you are presenting it. You have some really terrific imagery going on here. Repeating lines doesn't always work but you did it right. Nina had some terrific suggestions. However, I tend to be drawn to even number lines when using repetative lines (my hangup I'm sure) thus these are my suggestions (beyond what Nina shared) to use or leave as you will.

Nina's suggestion:
and I let you go
like Summer Sun slips into Autumn;
its searing kisses
flailing cooling earth,
as Winter nears.

and I let you go
like sweet years running past memory lane
with you but a mere day in their expanse,
hurriedly disappearing.

and I let you go
like sweet years sifting
through memory's filter,
you but a mere day,
hastily disappearing.

and I let you go
like run-down shackles
of an unkempt home
collapsing into rubble.

and I let you go
like run-down shackles
of an unkempt home
collapsing into rubble,
a reminder of what was.

and I let you go
like a shuttle refueled for a glorified journey
dreams latched onto its final blast
shattering

and I let you go
like a shuttle refueled
for a glorified journey,
dreams latched to its final blast,
shattering hope.

whispering filaments dissolved
by spearing tears,
lips quiver
as I let you go...

trying to wade through all that noise...

whispering filaments dissolved
by spearing tears.
lost within the noise,
lips quiver with regret
as I let you go...

[galoutofdixie]

Hi Siren,

I liked this poem. I do agree with Nina that memory lane is a cliche, how about something like this:

and I let you go
like sweet years slipping through memories fingertips
with you but a mere day in their expanse,
hurriedly disappearing.

[Siren]

Dearest Nina,

I have gone through your suggestions and will return with a detailed reply soon... Thanks so much for the help and your patience.

Jackie,

Hi... It's nice to see a new face in one of my threads. Thanks so much for your offerings and a detailed response will be on its way soon. :)

Galoutofdxie,

It's great to see you here and thank you for your suggestion. I hope that you'd be patient enough with me till my return.

I appreciate all your help
Thank you

Will be back soon.

Dani

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Daniah.

Hope you are feeling better!

I have read through and like both what Nina and Jackie have suggested so I will await your revision before coming back to make a new comment for you.

Take care and be well!
Lori

[Eisa]

Hi Dani

It's good to read you again.

I love the way you have started each line with 'and I let you go'. I don't always like repeats, but here I think it draws the stanzas together ... and then the last stanza repeating it at the very end ... nice touch!

Hope you are well

Hugs Snow

[Siren]

Dearest All,

I am so grateful for all your help and crits. I have made minor revisions on paper and told my daughter to print them for me and post along with this message. Being online has been extremely trying with the buzzing's increase.

I have an appointment for a CT-Scan on saturday and from then on I'll know what meds to use to hopefully help me.

I will return in the next couple of days, by the grace of Allah, to reply in detail to each one of you.

Thank you so much for understanding and for your continued support and love.

Hugs
Dani

[Siren]

Hello Nina,

I am so sorry for the delay of my detailed reply. I used most yhour suggestions except in S2. The meaning there was slightly changed.

I wanted the normalcy of losing this love; of letting go of that person, to be as normal as the turn of seasons. Where the heat of summer is likened to the passion of that love which then cools as it slips into winter.

It's always hard to let go of ones inner belief in romantic love. The strength of it and sweetness.

It is sweet. and when it passes it'll be a sweet memory. I don't regret letting go, just savoring the reality of what it truly was then and what it became now. It lost it's allure because the dreams born by that love were shattered in a final blast.


Nina:

trying to wade through all that noise... ..I'm not sure this line works as it doesn't seem to relate to the previous verses. I'd leave it out.

I shoould have made this clear. forgive my faux-pas.

That line was a personal message to you and others who know of my dilemma with Tinnitus.

Nina,

I hope you come back to check on the revision and always look forward to your insight.

I know I have so much catching up to do but hopefully will get to it everytime I can.

thank you again for being you.

Hugs
Dani

[Siren]

Hello Jackie,
I'm sorry that the first time u crit my work, the response to it is tardy. I appreciate your help so much Jackie, so thank you.

Jackie:
(I'll try this again as my review was lost when I tried to post it.)

I really liked the message in your poem and the way you are presenting it. You have some really terrific imagery going on here. Repeating lines doesn't always work but you did it right. Nina had some terrific suggestions. However, I tend to be drawn to even number lines when using repetative lines (my hangup I'm sure) thus these are my suggestions (beyond what Nina shared) to use or leave as you will.

Jackie,

I'm glad that the repetitive lines worked in the body of this poem. I understand how they can sometimes take away from the joy of reading a poem, so I was a bit worried about that aspect. I made some revisions inspired by your help. I hope you come back to check on the revision and I owe you an in depth visit. :)

Thank you so much.

dani

[Siren]

Hi Siren,

I liked this poem. I do agree with Nina that memory lane is a cliche, how about something like this:

and I let you go
like sweet years slipping through memories fingertips
with you but a mere day in their expanse,
hurriedly disappearing.

Hello Dixie,

I'm glad you liked the poem and I do agree with you and Nina's point in "memory lane" being a cliche. I made a change and would love ur input on it. That stanza is still bugging me though and will work on it more.

Your help inspired me so thank you. :)

Hugs
Dani

[Siren]

Hi Daniah.

Hope you are feeling better!

I have read through and like both what Nina and Jackie have suggested so I will await your revision before coming back to make a new comment for you.

Take care and be well!
Lori

Dearest Lori,

It's awesome to see you in my thread. I know I've been lacking in my member responsibilities and I'm truly sorry for that. I'll be back ion full form soon. :)

I made the Ct-Scan today and will see what the doc will say, hopefully later this evenning.

You too Take care and see your thoughts soon.

Hugs
Dani

[Siren]

Hi Dani

It's good to read you again.

I love the way you have started each line with 'and I let you go'. I don't always like repeats, but here I think it draws the stanzas together ... and then the last stanza repeating it at the very end ... nice touch!

Hope you are well

Hugs Snow

My dearest Eira,

I have truly missed you. I miss our message exchange. :) I do hope your family is doing well and most importantly you too.

It's always a joy to read your reaction to my poems. The repeats made me a bit wary but now I'm smiling because they seemed to have worked well in this topic.

Glad you enjoyed and hope u get back to check the revision.

Hugs and Much Love
Dani

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Dani

>D>That line was a personal message to you and others who know of my dilemma with Tinnitus.

Ah, sorry. I thought it was part of the poem, my mistake. How is your tinnitus? How did the CT scan go.

My husband suffers from tinnitus and has found eliminating certain foods and drinks help. Coffee makes his worse.

I like your revision and I think it works well now. I do like:

and you but a candied memory
melting through.

Keep well.

Nina