Altered Outlook, Wizard Award ~ Anna Psst Options

[Merlin]

The Ballad of One-Eye Joe

High up in the northland, where snowdrifts make mountains,
there lives an old trapper they call One-Eye Joe;
his cabin sits back underneath swaying pine boughs
where shadows turn purple and elk come and go.

You seldom see One-Eye, he stays near his trapline,
and only comes out with his furs in the spring
when he trades for essentials of hardware and foodstuffs
that he’ll need for subsistence and various things. *

Some several years back, I got Joe to start talking
after asking him questions of folks he once knew.
He had met Muktuk Annie, the cabaret dancer,
and even drank whisky with Daniel McGrew.

An incident happened down deep in Nahanni
while prospecting creeks for that elusive gold:
loup garou paid a visit, he’d like to forget it;
that was long seasons backward, in harsh, bitter cold.

“It was Anouk,” he swears it, the girl he’d been courting
before coming west for adventure and gain,
but he never went back and she never forgave him
and that cost him one eye, and a good deal of pain.

Now and then, in the moonlight, when heavens are crystal,
loup garou is seen wandering our snow-covered hills.
He calls out to One-Eye, but Joe doesn’t answer;
that attack took an eye out and still rouses chills.





* originally other such things.
Loup garou is French, meaning werewolf. Capital "lg" changed to small "LG".
Altered lines >>
He was deep in Nahanni when an incident happened
He swears it was Anouk, the girl he’d been courting

original final verse >>
Now and then, in the moonlight, when heavens are crystal,
loup garou is seen wandering our snow-covered hills.
She calls to her One-Eye, but Joe doesn’t answer;
that time she attacked him still rouses ice chills.

[Mary Boren]

Merlin,

I came, I saw, I liked. No time for further comment right now but I'll be back.

-M.

[Guest_Don_*]

Thoroughly enjoy your prospector, hunter, and trapper ballads.

Don

[heartsong7]

What a tale!
Makes me want more.
The meter carries me along effortlessly but I did trip a bit toward the end:
Loup Garou is seen wandering our snow-covered hills.
S2, L4 "and other such things" is a bit of a waste of 5 sylls.
I'll be back later to read with my crit glasses, but that's all that jumped out at me on first read.
Enjoyed.
Sue

[Merlin]

Thank you Mary, Don, & Sue for being common taters 1, 2, & 3.
Sometimes it's not easy getting 3.

I'm glad you liked my northland tale. I needed to get out of iambic mode for a bit, so I spun this off this morning. It's quite fresh, needing medicinal compound. Usually I wait a few days before posting anything.

As you noted, Sue, the "other" line was not only a late substitute, but not well executed. I searched for a better something, and along the way, found the simple one that got overlooked. I believe it fits better into this ballad mode; I don't want anything too sophisticated.

As far as the bump, maybe you're not reading "wandering" as Juan Dring. I actually placed a bump by design, but it hasn't been noted yet.

Thanks for all replies.

Merlin

[MFK Buckley]

a bump by design sounds like a family planning reality show!

I love your characters Merlin. Muktuk Annie sounds like a hoot and I'd be in cahoots with Anouk, though I'm more of a kneecap gal myself. tee hee

You call to mind the beautifully illustrated Cremation of Sam McGee. Fran

[Merlin]

I forgot to remember >>
for those who have the Lyre, check page 208 for Annie.

M

[heartsong7]

Intentional bump, eh? Now that you've got me looking real hard,
I see several possibilities.

words in ( ) could be omitted to maintain consistant beat;
suggested word subs in { }
These scanned lines are just to show whether I've got the beat as you intend.

when he trades for es sen tials of hard ware and food stuffs
(that) he’ll need for sub sis tence and var i ous things. *
(
(Some) {It was} several years back, I got Joe to start talking

(after){by} asking him questions (of) {'bout}folks he once knew.
He had met Muktuk Annie, the cabaret dancer, >>> the name messes with the meter, but it's important here, so I'll just have to deal, eh?

and even drank whisky with Daniel McGrew.

(He was deep in) {In the wilds of} Nahanni (when) an incident happened,
while prospecting creeks for that (elusive) gold:>>> I think it's e LUS ive, which messes the meter. how about: "... for some nuggets of gold."
Loup Garou paid a visit, he’d like to forget it;>>> Not sure how to pronounce the name, but it's being first is bound to throw the meter off.
that was long seasons backward, in harsh, bitter cold. >>> Aren't harsh and bitter about the same... and besides, they mess up the meter. suggest. "those many years back in the bitterest cold"

He {still} swears it was Anouk, the girl he’d been courting
before (coming) {he came} west for adventure and gain,
(but) {when} he never went back{,} (and) she could never (forgave) {forgive} him;
(so) she left him one eye, and a good deal of pain.
Wait a minute... if he never went back, how did she manage to take out his eye?

Now and then, in the moonlight, when heavens are crystal,
Loup Garou is seen wandering our snow-covered hills.>>> it's the name to start that throws the meter again.
consider: "Ole Loup is seen wandering...."

She calls to her One-Eye, but Joe doesn’t answer;
that time she attacked him still rouses ice chills.

there 'tis...for what it's worth.
seeya,
Sue

[Merlin]

Ooey, ooey. Yer missing the best part.
Google "loup garou" for more info, but skip the rock band.

Here's one link, you'll need to continue the story in the small window.

CLICK

It's a French phrase, thereby making the final syllable the stressed one, loop ga-ROO.

I'll get back to the rest in a bit.

Merlin

[heartsong7]

Very interesting.
It looks like you wouldn't need to cap loup garou.... thus saving reader's from assuming it's a guy's name. Plus, I note that in the article, they use a hyphen...loup-garou. I usually do go a googlin' when I see a term I don't recognize, but this time I thought it was just a fictional name created in your wizardly brain. So, forget any suggestions in above crit relative to meter there, (except maybe to leave a cap off 'garou' and inserting a hyphen after loup and maybe a * footnote, indicating it's a werewolf.)
Re: my confusion about Anouk... I'm surmising now that she's actually the werewolf, right?
S

[Merlin]

Just a fly-by reply, I'll be back later.

Re the capping - I'm really unsure of the proper usage. I'm using personification, and drawing from this well-known tale >>
Little Red Riding Hood wore her little red riding hood when she went to visit the Three Little Pigs. She was huffing and puffing on the way homeward when a loup garou, just back from the dentist, accosted her.

Using as a name, when unsure of the true identity, Capped. When referring to a thing, uncapped. I'm open to suggestions, but accept that a link would have helped.

I'm also EE-lated that you found the EE-lusive bump...

Will get to the rest forthwith. Yes, Anouk transformed herself into a loup garou to persou Joe to the wilds of the north.

M

[heartsong7]

"Re the capping - I'm really unsure of the proper usage"


I'm wondering if you had used 'werewolf' instead of 'loup garou', would you cap that?
Here's a thought: If you'd said a loup garou or a werewolf, then no caps but since you suggest you are using personification-- as if Werewolf is a proper name then it needs a cap. You've begun the sentences in question with Loup Garou, so without an article (a or the) it must represent a name...but if it's to be a proper name, seems to me Loup gets a stress, since it appears to be the first name, Garou being the last name.
however, meter is not the real issue for me... it's making it clear that your not talking about a person named Loup Garou.
S

[Guest_Don_*]

It strikes me that a person transformed into a werewolf. Did they change into a werewolf or change into the named werewolf. I've read other poems where a person unexpectedly transformed into a werewolf with no specific name.

I prefer the general non specific werewolf; therefore, I vote for no capitalization. The lack of proper name capitals also aborts absolute need for preceeding a. By same token, capitalization makes it a proper noun and aborts absolute need for preceeding the.

Don

[Merlin]

Hi Sue & Don,

I tend to agree re the capping - it is a general werewolf she's turning into, and should probably retain her given name. Therefore, no caps. I don't speak French, but from what I've gleaned off the web sites, it seems to be that loup (lupus) garou is a werewolf, not Mr/Ms Werewolf, as it were. I'll drop the caps, which should aid in that section.

As to the metrical bumps, as I mentioned, one is intentional in that gold is not that easy to find, and remains EE-lusive. That stays. The others, I'm well over the need to have perfect meter, so any variations are okay by me and if there's a one instead of a two, whooppee.

There is a spot you pointed out, Sue, that had already caught my eye but I didn't have a good fix for. Your assistance there helped.

Thank you for giving the amount of time to this. Tis appreciated.

Merlin



I've done a little fiddling with this, and believe there is clarity now as to who took his eye out, which seemed obscure in the first round. Thx for the input. My fiddle is still out.

[MFK Buckley]

... I'm well over the need to have perfect meter, so any variations are okay by me and if there's a one instead of a two, whooppee.

Pardon moi? Merlin, what do you mean by this? Fran

[Merlin]

Confoosed?

Both V1 & V2 begin their L2's with an iamb. V3 begins it with an anapest. Sue suggested a change that would bring conformity. That's where I no longer care for absolute perfection. I believe my flow works, so dam all the speedoes! One beat per foot, 2 beets per foot, all da same.

M

[heartsong7]

"Sue suggested a change that would bring conformity. That's where I no longer care for absolute perfection. I believe my flow works, so dam all the speedoes! One beat per foot, 2 beets per foot, all da same."
Well, alrighty then wizard man. That's good to know. Saves the metermaids like me a little time.
S

[MFK Buckley]

I believe my flow works, so dam all the speedoes! One beat per foot, 2 beets per foot, all da same.

Confoosed? I believe I am now and I was already on tilt. Fran

[jgdittier]

Dear Merlin,
My first comment is that this thread prooves that there is still much life in R&M.
To get this many to comment is such a short time proves your poem was well received, entertained and resulted in intelligent comment further promoting such verse.
My personal style holds no strong commitment to terseness and little benefit in metric substitutions other than when their use is obvious. However, each of us have our personal likes and dislikes and when our poetry is so good as to have a response such as this, we prove that the dislikes are easily overcome.
Eric, I believe many of your sagas are your best verse, at least, the keep my interest as Robert Service's do. I also think your ability to write as well in non-iambic metre
adds to your power to please.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Mary Boren]

Why not use italics, as customary, for the foreign words?

I agree that your work generally flows, Merlin, and I accept if not applaud your recently acquired drift into metrical nonconformity ... but I still gotta say "that elusive gold" stops me cold. My only other quibble is the ho-hum "some several."

Otherwise, top drawer stuff. Makes me want to go chase down some of those anty pesties of my own.

Mary