Printable Version of Topic

Click here to view this topic in its original format

Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse _ Down to the Dust (audio added)

Posted by: RC James Feb 8 16, 23:59

audio take on the poem

https://soundcloud.com/rc-james-user841120068/z0000227

Ain’ nuthin’ left here ‘cep
six uv us an’ dry stahks ‘a corn.
We’re up ta movin west
soon as I sort out the T-Ford.
Jenny, ma wife, is set to
have anuther to make us seven.
Got some taters an’ dry beans
in the root cellah, but not much
beyon’ that, relyin’ on the Lord
to provide a way through the storm.
Ah’m proud of the chilren, they got
a strenth beyon’ anything I known.
When jedgement day comes it won’
be no surprise, we alreddy been jedged
an’ been found holdin’ the strenth
of spirits who can survive culamity
and beyond, way beyond what we thought
we could hold in that handful of dust.

Posted by: Psyche Feb 9 16, 02:19

Hi RC,

This poem is so sad. I'm incapable of suggesting any changes. No point in removing or putting Caps or commas, as it's so evident that the speaker is of a lowly status, country man, probably affected by drought and low prices.

Not implying that he's not wise. He knows where his life and family may be heading.

I just read a long article about the record number of homeless people in New York City right now. I was shocked! No idea that N.Y. is like that now. Thought it had been solved.

And another one about how extremely poor single mothers are evicted by their landlords in many states. Over and over again. Mostly black, but not all. They have to move into shelters with rows and rows of beds, shared toilets and a dining-room. During the day they have to go outside...The shelters are made 'invisible', no signs or names by the entries. They're aided to get jobs, but the queues are so long that they give up. Live on welfare, which adds another black mark to their personal record...a circle they can't get out of.

So is your poem realistic? Is that how things are now? In what area would that be?

Thought provoking piece. Once again, you've deftly put yourself inside another's skin.

Syl

Posted by: RC James Feb 9 16, 03:27

Syl - In the 1930's there was a great drought in the South Central states in the U.S. the area became known as the Dust Bowl and the people leaving the area - Dust Bowl Refugees. The poem is about such a family. Here's a song by Woody Guthrie, who came from Oklahoma:

Dust Bowl Refugee
Words and Music by Woody Guthrie

I'm a dust bowl refugee,
Just a dust bowl refugee,
From that dust bowl to the peach bowl,
Now that peach fuzz is a-killin' me.

'Cross the mountains to the sea,
Come the wife and kids and me.
It's a hot old dusty highway
For a dust bowl refugee.

Hard, it's always been that way,
Here today and on our way
Down that mountain, 'cross the desert,
Just a dust bowl refugee.

We are ramblers, so they say,
We are only here today,
Then we travel with the seasons,
We're the dust bowl refugees.

From the south land and the drought land,
Come the wife and kids and me,
And this old world is a hard world
For a dust bowl refugee.

Yes, we ramble and we roam
And the highway that's our home,
It's a never-ending highway
For a dust bowl refugee.

Yes, we wander and we work
In your crops and in your fruit,
Like the whirlwinds on the desert
That's the dust bowl refugees.

I'm a dust bowl refugee,
I'm a dust bowl refugee,
And I wonder will I always
Be a dust bowl refugee?

Posted by: K.S. Lenk Feb 9 16, 09:44

Gorgeous. Perfect.

Regards,

K

Posted by: RC James Feb 9 16, 10:21

Thanks K. - RC

Posted by: Larry Feb 9 16, 11:59

Hi RC,

I don't get over here to Seren's much but stumbled across your post and the vernacular reminded me a lot of how my Grandpa talked. He was from Oklahoma and went through the Dust Bowl but stuck it out somehow.

I saw only two tiny nits which you might consider correcting: L8 and L12 both begin capitalized with no period end-stop in the prior line. It's no big deal so it really doesn't matter but changing them would be grammatically correct.

My dad was a young man back then and he told me stories about how rough it was when we started to complain about how rough we had it in the early 50's. It really put a different perspective on things and made us appreciate how much we were blessed. Thanks for the memories!

Larry

Posted by: RC James Feb 9 16, 12:27

Larry - Thanks for pointing out those two spots, I fixed them, RC

Posted by: Heather Feb 11 16, 01:15

This is what Salinger would sound like if he wrote poetry. I love that you wrote this in the vernacular, and yet there is so much rhyme present, beauty shining through the roughness. The ending was powerful and, in fact, I think the fact that to read this I had to voice the words in my head, made me experience the poem even more.
Well done.
Heather

Posted by: Heather Feb 11 16, 01:15

Posted by: RC James Feb 11 16, 03:00

Thank you Heather for your comment and also that instinctive reaction to the vernacular. RC

Posted by: RC James Mar 23 17, 15:55

An audio addition - RC

Posted by: Eisa Mar 28 17, 14:11

Wow! Richard this is fantastic. You are so talented.

Is it you singing?

I'm so glad I called here today.

Eira