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LIFE CLASS, THOUGHTS OF A RECLINING NUDE |
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Aug 10 05, 09:53
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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REVISION
THOUGHTS OF A RECLINING NUDE
The only sound heard for forty five minutes has been the mechanical click of the clock. The students are lost in the canvas they’re painting except for McGuire who has got painter’s block.
For Jimmy McGuire has no paint on his brush yet ; he studies me closely with one eye half shut thumb held at arms length, he is sighting along it - expressed concentration but mind full of smut.
He’s telling the tutor that he cannot capture the decadent curve of my arm on the rest, or shadow that’s cast by the tilt of my swan’s neck or the fold in the robe that’s half-cloaking my breast.
It’s the end of the session and I’m off to lunch now but notice in passing McGuire’s tortured nude. Picasso–like squiggles of squares, of lines and circles in red, black and blue and distastefully crude.
But it’s cheaper than Soho and so, full of hot dogs the pervert will turn up again -dirty snake! – Still..
At the end of the day I’ll be thirty quid richer and poxy McGuire can go jump in the lake!
THOUGHTS OF A RECLINING NUDE
The only sound heard now for forty five minutes has been the mechanical click of the clock. The students are lost in the canvas they’re painting except for McGuire who has got painter’s block
For Jimmy McGuire has no paint on his brush yet; he studies me closely with one eye half shut his thumb held at arms length , he’s sighting along it - expressed concentration but mind full of smut.
He’s telling the tutor that he cannot capture the decadent curve of my arm on the rest, or the shadow that’s cast by the tilt of my swan’s neck or the fold in the robe that’s half cloaking my breast.
It’s the end of the session and I’m off to lunch now and notice in passing McGuire’s tortured nude. Picasso–like squiggles of squares,lines and circles in red, black and blue and distastefully crude.
But it’s cheaper than Soho and so, full of hot dogs. the pervert will turn up again -dirty snake! –
Still..
At the end of the day I’ll be thirty quid richer And poxy McGuire Can go jump in the lake!
(All rights reserved by Grace Galton as an unpublished work)
http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....l=;st=0
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Aug 10 05, 10:56
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Guest
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Hey Grace,
Most chucklesome! LOL
A few suggestions: (toss if you want) {omit}[add]
The only sound heard {now} for forty five minutes has been the mechanical click of the clock. -tick of the clock {The} Students are lost in the canvas they’re painting except for McGuire who has {got} painter’s block[.]
For Jimmy McGuire has no paint on his brush {yet};"hue" instead of "paint"? You have 3 forms of "paint" in 5 lines. he studies me closely with one eye half shut[,] Should "half shut" be hyphenated? {his} thumb held at arms length , he’s sighting {along it} - expressed concentration {but} mind full of smut.
He’s telling the tutor {that} he cannot capture the decadent curve of my arm on the rest, or {the} shadow that’s cast {by the} tilt[ing] {of} my swan’s neck or the fold in the robe that’s half cloaking my breast. -I think too many "the"s here and the next stanza. *smiles* Hyphen in "half cloaking"?
It’s {the} end of the session[,] {and} I’m off to lunch now and notice in passing McGuire’s tortured nude. Picasso –like squiggles of squares{.}[,] lines and circles in red, black and blue[;] {and} distastefully crude.
{But} It’s cheaper than Soho and so, full of hot dogs the pervert {will} turn[s] up again -dirty snake! –
Still..
At the end of {the} day I’ll be thirty quid richer And poxy McGuire Can go jump in the lake! Lower case letters on "And" and "Can"
The only sound heard for forty five minutes has been the mechanical tick of the clock. Students are lost in the canvas they’re painting except for McGuire who has painter’s block.
For Jimmy McGuire has no hue on his brush; he studies me closely with one eye half-shut thumb held at arms length , he’s sighting - expressed concentration, mind full of smut.
He’s telling the tutor he cannot capture the decadent curve of my arm on the rest, or shadow that’s cast tilting my swan’s neck or the fold in the robe that’s half-cloaking my breast.
It’s end of the session, I’m off to lunch now and notice in passing McGuire’s tortured nude. Picasso –like squiggles of squares, lines and circles in red, black and blue; distastefully crude.
It’s cheaper than Soho and so, full of hot dogs the pervert turns up again -dirty snake! –
Still..
At the end of day I’ll be thirty quid richer and poxy McGuire can go jump in the lake!
Oh man! It looks like I've torn it apart! Shock I didn't mean to! Just some things for you to consider. ??? I really enjoyed the read!
Cathy
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Aug 10 05, 12:17
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hello Cathy,
I was so pleased to see that you had read this and bothered to go back to the original to comment and offer crits.
As you have not seen the original comments, I will point out that repeated words are important in this piece.
If you read the first four lines out loud
QUOTE The only sound heard now for forty five minutes has been the mechanical click of the clock.
you will notice that I have based the poem on the mesmeric and boring (mechanical) click of the clock, (not so much a tick Cathy) to indicate how slowly time is passing for the model. Each line is like one swing of a pendulum in length.
With that in mind, if you now read it through again in that mechanical manner you will see that the words which seem extraneous here (including repeated words) are very necessary to keep the slow, boring beat.
If this were to be read in any other way then your suggestions would not only be valid but most welcome.
I value your crits Cathy, and if you have any other points to raise, I shall be delighted to hear them.
Thank you for reading this.
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Aug 10 05, 12:22
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hello John,
QUOTE I enjoyed the story and it flowed very smoothly. Our friend Cathy had been very thorough with her comments and the few I had have already been stated. I will just say that this was something different and quite an interesting perspective from beneath the cloak.
I am glad you got the boring beat John. I have always wondered what goes through the minds of these models. New shoes? Day out with the children on the proceeds?
If, (God forbid) it had been me, obviously this is what I should have been thinking!
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Much appreciated.
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Guest_Nina_*
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Aug 10 05, 13:20
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Hi Grace
This is an interesting departure from your normal style. I like the idea of pondering what the sitter might be thinking during the time. My thoughts wouldn''t be on what shoes I'd buy or an outing with the kids.. I reckon it would be more in the line of "How much longer do I have to hold this position, I'm getting a crick in my neck. It is so uncomfortable, I think my arm is going to sleep"
I'd make a hopeless sitter, I can't stay in the same position for more than two seconds (I'm a terrible fidget)
I saw Cathy's suggestions and your reply about the mechanical slowness of the clock but I'd still like to offer a few suggestions which of course you can totally ignore.
{delete} [add] (comment)
The only sound heard {now} for forty five minutes has been the mechanical click of the clock. The students are lost in the canvas they’re painting except for McGuire who has got painter’s block
For Jimmy McGuire has no paint on his brush {yet}; he studies me closely with one eye half shut[;] his thumb held at arms length{ }, he’s sighting along it - express{ed}[ing] concentration but mind full of smut.
It’s the end of the session[,] {and} I’m off to lunch now and notice in passing McGuire’s tortured nude. Picasso{ }–like squiggles[:] {of} squares{.}[,] lines and circles in red, black and blue and distastefully crude.
But it’s cheaper than Soho and so{,} full of hot dogs[.] {t}[T]he pervert will turn up again [-] {-}[the] dirty snake! {–} (I'm never too sure about cliches but wonder if dirty snake is one)
Still..
At the end of the day I’ll be thirty quid richer {A}[a]nd poxy McGuire {C}[c]an go jump in the lake!
Thanks for the read, most enlightening
Nina
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Aug 10 05, 14:58
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Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 1,802
Joined: 24-April 04
From: Connecticut
Member No.: 58
Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
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Dear Grace, Patience has never been one of my virtues and perhaps occasional ungoverned enthusiasm isn't either. I nonetheless will think of today as a breakthrough day in my 4+ years of versifying. I've long espoused here at MM that: 1) I like the style of the verse of yore, 2) Cadence is for me usually the most important element of the verse I like and write. 3)One motive of verse should be to entertain and 4) Modern poetry, even R&M, has strayed far from the form of the past masters.
I often have a piece I'd post here, but in looking for the necessary pieces to comment on and considering that my goal is to be constructive and that I'm in an environment that has generally much less respect for cadence than I, I post more elsewhere.
Today JLY has posted a piece in dactylic that knocks my socks off! An hour later you post this prime keeper which I believe has all the elements of a money maker. (Better remuneration than that nude model too!)
As a Brit, I doubt you saw many American cowboy/indian black and white movies made in trhe forties and fifties. Most had a scene in which the distant beat of the tom-tom assured the next scene to show smoke signals and then the indian/calvary clash. That incessant dactylic foot, dum,da,da,dum,da,da seems to work in cultures around the world. It speeds up hearts and energizes glands and heightens our senses.
Your continuous spacing of beats to my mind doesn't slow your verse down, rather it provides a matrix for your words to capture our increased attention and so adds immeasureably to our assimilation of your message which is ingenious in its own right.
In my formative years I was taught to enjoy the poetic beat. I suspect most younger than I were taught otherwise.
Thank you for this opportunity for all of us to reconsider those teachings.
May I read this to my shut-ins?
Nicely done and cheers, Ron jgd
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Guest_Don_*
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Aug 10 05, 15:16
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Guest
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Though I could not quote per sé, you have posted this one in the past.
Amazing how a new crew conjures so many fresh comments.
I think the relationship, or rather lack thereof, between a percentage of students and a model is taken well. Did you say in the past that you did model some?
I always wondered how the model could be physically comfortable in cool drafty painter's environment.
Don
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Aug 10 05, 15:28
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Dear Ron,
I have seen your comprehensive reply to this tile which I find extremely interesting. I am pressed for time this evening, but will study it more closely in the morning and reply.
I really appreciate your commenting Ron.
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Aug 10 05, 15:29
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hello Don,
Just a quick note to let you know that I have seen your comments and will reply in the morning when I have more time to devote to my replies.
Many thanks for commenting. I really appreciate it.
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Guest_Cathy_*
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Aug 10 05, 16:22
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Guest
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Hi Grace,
After reading your response I went back to reread the poem and I can see what you're trying to accomplish in your rhythm. It works well. Thanks for the explanation! *smiles*
Cathy
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Aug 11 05, 05:05
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hello Ron,
QUOTE Patience has never been one of my virtues and perhaps occasional ungoverned enthusiasm isn't either. I nonetheless will think of today as a breakthrough day in my 4+ years of versifying.
I've long espoused here at MM that: 1) I like the style of the verse of yore, 2) Cadence is for me usually the most important element of the verse I like and write. 3)One motive of verse should be to entertain and 4) Modern poetry, even R&M, has strayed far from the form of the past masters.
I often have a piece I'd post here, but in looking for the necessary pieces to comment on and considering that my goal is to be constructive and that I'm in an environment that has generally much less respect for cadence than I, I post more elsewhere.
Today JLY has posted a piece in dactylic that knocks my socks off!
An hour later you post this prime keeper which I believe has all the elements of a money maker. (Better remuneration than that nude model too!
Very kindly said Ron – and much appreciated!
QUOTE As a Brit, I doubt you saw many American cowboy/indian black and white movies made in the forties and fifties. Most had a scene in which the distant beat of the tom-tom assured the next scene to show smoke signals and then the indian/calvary clash. That incessant dactylic foot, dum,da,da,dum,da,da seems to work in cultures around the world. It speeds up hearts and energizes glands and heightens our senses.
Oh, yes I did Ron, and thoroughly enjoyed them. One such film inspired my poem THE PASSING.
QUOTE Your continuous spacing of beats to my mind doesn't slow your verse down, rather it provides a matrix for your words to capture our increased attention and so adds immeasureably to our assimilation of your message which is ingenious in its own right.
I am very pleased the clicking clock beat worked Ron.
QUOTE In my formative years I was taught to enjoy the poetic beat. I suspect most younger than I were taught otherwise.
Me too Ron, as I said, everything I originally wrote had poetic beat.
QUOTE Thank you for this opportunity for all of us to reconsider those teachings.
May I read this to my shut-ins?
Nicely done and cheers,
I should be delighted to think that you had done so Ron.
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Aug 11 05, 05:13
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Good morning Don,
QUOTE Though I could not quote per sé, you have posted this one in the past.
Yes Don, you are now reading this in the new Showcase tile. A receptacle available to us all to post and keep our works together for quick and easy reference.
QUOTE Amazing how a new crew conjures so many fresh comments.
Totally amazing! I never expected anyone to re-read these.
QUOTE I think the relationship, or rather lack thereof, between a percentage of students and a model is taken well. Did you say in the past that you did model some?
Have you seen the photo of me on the Gallery Don? Obviously not, or you wouldn't pose that question|
QUOTE I always wondered how the model could be physically comfortable in cool drafty painter's environment.
I am quite sure they are not comfortable Don ~ but hey! everyone has to earn a living ~ and at least she doesn't have to wonder what to wear to work each day.
Thank you for visiting and reading again Don.
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Aug 11 05, 05:25
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hi Cathy and Nina, :sings:
I have now incorporated some of the suggestions you both made and hope it reads a little smoother. Many thanks for the interest and the input. :block:
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Guest_Nina_*
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Aug 14 05, 00:15
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Guest
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Hi Grace
I like the revisions you've made. :pharoah2
Nina
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Guest_Jox_*
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Aug 14 05, 02:42
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Guest
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Hi Grace,
Sorry I missed the original crit on this.
Yes, I, too like your revisions - well done.
I know people who've done nude modelling and, despite the breaks every twenty minutes, the cramp can set in. Not to mention the boredom and, of course, the terror of farting. (Nowhere to hide; no dog to blame it on!)
Well done, cheers, J.
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Aug 20 05, 08:00
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Mosaic Master
Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep
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Grace!
I remember this one from Homer's and I must say your revision in how you portray each stanza sings even more (the shorter lines add to the rhyme scheme). :pharoah2
This is a keeper Grace!
Cheers! Cleo :lovie:
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"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the RingsCollaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. KanterNominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner
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Aug 20 05, 10:57
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hello James,
Sorry, I have been away again so I missed this reply.
Many thanks for dropping be this time to read.
So now I know why you are always with your dogs.
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Aug 20 05, 11:00
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,660
Joined: 23-August 03
From: Somerset, England
Member No.: 22
Real Name: Grace
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hi Lori, :pharoah2
I am glad you enjoyed the revision on this one. Nina and Cathy came up with some good ideas.
Which only goes to prove a poem is never finished! :speechless: :block:
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