LIFE CLASS, THOUGHTS OF A RECLINING NUDE Options

[Cybele]

REVISION

THOUGHTS OF A RECLINING NUDE

The only sound heard
for forty five minutes
has been the mechanical
click of the clock.
The students are lost
in the canvas they’re painting
except for McGuire
who has got painter’s block.

For Jimmy McGuire has
no paint on his brush yet ;
he studies me closely
with one eye half shut
thumb held at arms length,
he is sighting along it -
expressed concentration
but mind full of smut.

He’s telling the tutor
that he cannot capture
the decadent curve of
my arm on the rest,
or shadow that’s cast
by the tilt of my swan’s neck
or the fold in the robe that’s
half-cloaking my breast.


It’s the end of the session
and I’m off to lunch now
but notice in passing
McGuire’s tortured nude.
Picasso–like squiggles of
squares, of lines and circles
in red, black and blue
and distastefully crude.


But it’s cheaper than Soho
and so, full of hot dogs
the pervert will turn up again
-dirty snake! –

Still..

At the end of the day
I’ll be thirty quid richer
and poxy McGuire
can go jump in the lake!





                 THOUGHTS OF A RECLINING NUDE

The only sound heard
now for forty five minutes
has been the mechanical
click of the clock.
The students are lost
in the canvas they’re painting
except for McGuire
who has got painter’s block

For Jimmy McGuire has
no paint on his brush yet;
he studies me closely
with one eye half shut
his thumb held at arms length ,
he’s sighting along it -
expressed concentration
but mind full of smut.

He’s telling the tutor
that he cannot capture
the decadent curve of
my arm on the rest,
or the shadow that’s cast
by the tilt of my swan’s neck
or the fold in the robe that’s
half cloaking my breast.

It’s the end of the session
and I’m off to lunch now
and notice in passing
McGuire’s tortured nude.
Picasso–like squiggles of
squares,lines and circles
in red, black and blue
and distastefully crude.

But it’s cheaper than Soho
and so, full of hot dogs.
the pervert will turn up again
-dirty snake! –

Still..

At the end of the day
I’ll be thirty quid richer
And poxy McGuire
Can go jump in the lake!  



(All rights reserved by Grace Galton as an unpublished work)

http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/cgi-bin....l=;st=0

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hey Grace,

Most chucklesome!  LOL

A few suggestions: (toss if you want)  
{omit}[add]

The only sound heard
{now} for forty five minutes
has been the mechanical
click of the clock. -tick of the clock
{The} Students are lost
in the canvas they’re painting
except for McGuire
who has {got} painter’s block[.]

For Jimmy McGuire has
no paint on his brush {yet};"hue" instead of "paint"? You
have 3 forms of "paint" in 5 lines.
he studies me closely
with one eye half shut[,] Should "half shut" be hyphenated?
{his} thumb held at arms length ,
he’s sighting {along it} -
expressed concentration
{but} mind full of smut.

He’s telling the tutor
{that} he cannot capture
the decadent curve of
my arm on the rest,
or {the} shadow that’s cast
{by the} tilt[ing] {of} my swan’s neck
or the fold in the robe that’s
half cloaking my breast.  -I think too many "the"s here
and the next stanza.  *smiles* Hyphen in "half cloaking"?

It’s {the} end of the session[,]
{and} I’m off to lunch now
and notice in passing
McGuire’s tortured nude.
Picasso –like squiggles of
squares{.}[,] lines and circles
in red, black and blue[;]
{and} distastefully crude.

{But} It’s cheaper than Soho
and so, full of hot dogs
the pervert {will} turn[s] up again
-dirty snake! –

Still..

At the end of {the} day
I’ll be thirty quid richer
And poxy McGuire
Can go jump in the lake!    
Lower case letters on "And" and "Can"



The only sound heard
for forty five minutes
has been the mechanical
tick of the clock.
Students are lost
in the canvas they’re painting
except for McGuire
who has painter’s block.

For Jimmy McGuire has
no hue on his brush;
he studies me closely
with one eye half-shut
thumb held at arms length ,
he’s sighting -
expressed concentration,
mind full of smut.

He’s telling the tutor
he cannot capture
the decadent curve of
my arm on the rest,
or shadow that’s cast
tilting my swan’s neck
or the fold in the robe that’s
half-cloaking my breast.

It’s end of the session,
I’m off to lunch now
and notice in passing
McGuire’s tortured nude.
Picasso –like squiggles of
squares, lines and circles
in red, black and blue;
distastefully crude.

It’s cheaper than Soho
and so, full of hot dogs
the pervert turns up again
-dirty snake! –

Still..

At the end of day
I’ll be thirty quid richer
and poxy McGuire
can go jump in the lake!

Oh man!  It looks like I've torn it apart!  Shock  I didn't mean to!  Just some things for you to consider.   ???
I really enjoyed the read!  

Cathy

[JLY]

Grace,
I enjoyed the story and it flowed very smoothly.  Our friend Cathy had been very thorough with her comments and the few I had have already been stated.
I will just say that this was something different and quite an interesting perspective from beneath the cloak.
JLY

[Cybele]

Hello Cathy,

I was so pleased to see that you had read this and bothered to go back to the original to comment and offer crits.

As you have not seen the original comments, I will point out that repeated words are important in this piece.


If you read the first four lines out loud

The only sound heard
now for forty five minutes
has been the mechanical
click of the clock.

you will notice that I have based the poem on the mesmeric and boring (mechanical) click of the clock, (not so much a tick Cathy) to indicate how slowly time is passing for the model. Each line is like one swing of a pendulum in length.

With that in mind, if you now read it through again in that mechanical manner you will see that the words which seem extraneous here (including repeated words) are very necessary to keep the slow, boring beat.

If this were to be read in any other way then your suggestions would not only be valid but most welcome.  

I value your crits Cathy, and if you have any other points to raise, I shall be delighted to hear them.

Thank you for reading this.

[Cybele]

Hello John,

I enjoyed the story and it flowed very smoothly.  Our friend Cathy had been very thorough with her comments and the few I had have already been stated.
I will just say that this was something different and quite an interesting perspective from beneath the cloak.

I am glad you got the boring beat John. I have always wondered what goes through the minds of these models. New shoes? Day out with the children on the proceeds?

If, (God forbid) it had been me, obviously this is what I should have been thinking!

Thank you so much for reading and commenting. Much appreciated.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

This is an interesting departure from your normal style.  I like the idea of pondering what the sitter might be thinking during the time.  My thoughts wouldn''t be on what shoes I'd buy or an outing with the kids..  I reckon it would be more in the line of  "How much longer do I have to hold this position, I'm getting a crick in my neck. It is so uncomfortable, I think my arm is going to sleep"

I'd make a hopeless sitter, I can't stay in the same position for more than two seconds (I'm a terrible fidget)

I saw Cathy's suggestions and your reply about the mechanical slowness of the clock but I'd still like to offer a few suggestions which of course you can totally ignore.

{delete} [add] (comment)

The only sound heard
{now} for forty five minutes
has been the mechanical
click of the clock.
The students are lost
in the canvas they’re painting
except for McGuire
who has got painter’s block

For Jimmy McGuire has
no paint on his brush {yet};
he studies me closely
with one eye half shut[;]
his thumb held at arms length{ },
he’s sighting along it -
express{ed}[ing] concentration
but mind full of smut.

It’s the end of the session[,]
{and} I’m off to lunch now
and notice in passing
McGuire’s tortured nude.
Picasso{ }–like squiggles[:] {of}
squares{.}[,] lines and circles
in red, black and blue
and distastefully crude.

But it’s cheaper than Soho
and so{,} full of hot dogs[.]
{t}[T]he pervert will turn up again [-]
{-}[the] dirty snake! {–}  (I'm never too sure about cliches but wonder if dirty snake is one)

Still..

At the end of the day
I’ll be thirty quid richer
{A}[a]nd poxy McGuire
{C}[c]an go jump in the lake!


Thanks for the read, most enlightening

Nina

[jgdittier]

Dear Grace,
Patience has never been one of my virtues and perhaps occasional ungoverned enthusiasm isn't either.
I nonetheless will think of today as a breakthrough day in my 4+ years of versifying.
I've long espoused here at MM that:
1) I like the style of the verse of yore,
2) Cadence is for me usually the most important element of the verse I like and write.
3)One motive of verse should be to entertain and
4) Modern poetry, even R&M, has strayed far from the form of the past masters.

I often have a piece I'd post here, but in looking for the necessary pieces to comment on and considering that my goal is to be constructive and that I'm in an environment that has generally much less respect for cadence than I, I post more elsewhere.

Today JLY has posted a piece in dactylic that knocks my socks off!
An hour later you post this prime keeper which I believe has all the elements of a money maker. (Better remuneration than that nude model too!)

As a Brit, I doubt you saw many American cowboy/indian black and white movies made in trhe forties and fifties. Most had a scene in which the distant beat of the tom-tom assured the next scene to show smoke signals and then the
indian/calvary clash. That incessant dactylic foot, dum,da,da,dum,da,da
seems to work in cultures around the world. It speeds up hearts and
energizes glands and heightens our senses.

Your continuous spacing of beats to my mind doesn't slow your verse down, rather it provides a matrix for your words to capture our increased attention and so adds immeasureably to our assimilation of your message which is ingenious in its own right.

In my formative years I was taught to enjoy the poetic beat. I suspect most younger than I were taught otherwise.

Thank you for this opportunity for all of us to reconsider those teachings.

May I read this to my shut-ins?

Nicely done and cheers,    Ron   jgd

[Guest_Don_*]

Though I could not quote per sé, you have posted this one in the past.

Amazing how a new crew conjures so many fresh comments.

I think the relationship, or rather lack thereof, between a percentage of students and a model is taken well.  Did you say in the past that you did model some?  

I always wondered how the model could be physically comfortable in cool drafty painter's environment.

Don

[Cybele]

Hello Nina,

Thank you for your comments and constructive crit, which I am now studying carefully, and I will get back to you soon.

Cathy,

Having read Nina's suggestions it seems a lot of them coincide with yours, so I will take yours away to study also.  I shall return      

[Cybele]

Dear Ron,  

I have seen your comprehensive reply to this tile which I find extremely interesting. I am pressed for time this evening, but will study it more closely in the morning and reply.

I really appreciate your commenting Ron.

[Cybele]

Hello Don,

Just a quick note to let you know that I have seen your comments and will reply in the morning when I have more time to devote to my replies.

Many thanks for commenting. I really appreciate it.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Grace,

After reading your response I went back to reread the poem
and I can see what you're trying to accomplish in your rhythm.
It works well.  Thanks for the explanation!  *smiles*

Cathy

[Cybele]

Hello Ron,

Patience has never been one of my virtues and perhaps occasional ungoverned enthusiasm isn't either.
I nonetheless will think of today as a breakthrough day in my 4+ years of versifying.

I've long espoused here at MM that:
1) I like the style of the verse of yore,
2) Cadence is for me usually the most important element of the verse I like and write.
3)One motive of verse should be to entertain and
4) Modern poetry, even R&M, has strayed far from the form of the past masters.

I often have a piece I'd post here, but in looking for the necessary pieces to comment on and considering that my goal is to be constructive and that I'm in an environment that has generally much less respect for cadence than I, I post more elsewhere.

Today JLY has posted a piece in dactylic that knocks my socks off!

An hour later you post this prime keeper which I believe has all the elements of a money maker. (Better remuneration than that nude model too!

Very kindly said Ron – and much appreciated!

As a Brit, I doubt you saw many American cowboy/indian black and white movies made in the forties and fifties. Most had a scene in which the distant beat of the tom-tom assured the next scene to show smoke signals and then the
indian/calvary clash. That incessant dactylic foot, dum,da,da,dum,da,da
seems to work in cultures around the world. It speeds up hearts and
energizes glands and heightens our senses.

Oh, yes I did Ron, and thoroughly enjoyed them. One such film inspired my poem THE PASSING.

Your continuous spacing of beats to my mind doesn't slow your verse down, rather it provides a matrix for your words to capture our increased attention and so adds immeasureably to our assimilation of your message which is ingenious in its own right.

I am very pleased the clicking clock beat worked Ron.

In my formative years I was taught to enjoy the poetic beat. I suspect most younger than I were taught otherwise.

Me too Ron, as I said, everything I originally wrote had poetic beat.

Thank you for this opportunity for all of us to reconsider those teachings.

May I read this to my shut-ins?



Nicely done and cheers,

I should be delighted to think that you had done so Ron.

[Cybele]

Good morning Don,  

Though I could not quote per sé, you have posted this one in the past.

Yes Don, you are now reading this in the new Showcase tile. A receptacle available to us all to post and keep our works together for quick and easy reference.

Amazing how a new crew conjures so many fresh comments.

Totally amazing! I never expected anyone to re-read these.  

I think the relationship, or rather lack thereof, between a percentage of students and a model is taken well.  Did you say in the past that you did model some?

Have you seen the photo of me on the Gallery Don? Obviously not, or you wouldn't pose that question|  

I always wondered how the model could be physically comfortable in cool drafty painter's environment.

I am quite sure they are not comfortable Don ~ but hey! everyone has to earn a living ~ and at least she doesn't have to wonder what to wear to work each day.

Thank you for visiting and reading again Don.  

[Cybele]

Hi Cathy and Nina,  :sings:

I have now incorporated some of the suggestions you both made and hope it reads a little smoother. Many thanks for the interest and the input.  :block:

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Grace

I like the revisions you've made.   :pharoah2


Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace,

Sorry I missed the original crit on this.

Yes, I, too like your revisions - well done.

I know people who've done nude modelling and, despite the breaks every twenty minutes, the cramp can set in. Not to mention the boredom and, of course, the terror of farting. (Nowhere to hide; no dog to blame it on!)

Well done, cheers, J.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Grace!

I remember this one from Homer's and I must say your revision in how you portray each stanza sings even more (the shorter lines add to the rhyme scheme).  :pharoah2

This is a keeper Grace!

Cheers!
Cleo  :lovie:

[Cybele]

Hello James,

Sorry, I have been away again so I missed this reply.

Many thanks for dropping be this time to read.

So now I know why you are always with your dogs.

[Cybele]

Hi Lori, :pharoah2

I am glad you enjoyed the revision on this one. Nina and Cathy came up with some good ideas.

Which only goes to prove a poem is never finished!  :speechless:  :block: