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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ I Want to Hide

Posted by: ArtesiaMeeks Jul 19 06, 13:04

I want to run and hide
like the wild wayward wolf.
I want to shirk the burden
we’re facing...renal failure.

His manual-plastic kidney,
daily cleansing, exchanging,
extends our golden years
and shelters life,

I want to run from.

© 2006 Carol Dee Meeks

Posted by: Nina Jul 19 06, 16:36

Hi Carol

Sadly you cant hide from this however unpleasant and upsetting.

The only nit is with the last line:

I want to run from

It seems incomplete.

Nina

Posted by: Cathy Jul 19 06, 18:12

Hi Carol,

Very well expressed ... sad, yet hopeful. As you say;

extends our golden years
and shelters life,

My only question is, what do you want to run from? The life that is being sheltered? Am I missing something somehow? Your last line seems incomplete and is the flip-side of the security and warmth I felt in the above lines. Of course, after thinking about it and trying to put myself in your place there's probably alot I would want to run from too.

I want to run from.

Keeping good thoughts ...

Cathy

Posted by: JustDaniel Jul 19 06, 20:35

Carol, it is hard to critique a statement of real-life struggle as this one, methinks. I want to run and hide too... and I can feel your desire to do so in your words quite vividly.

Poetically, the bald statement of L4 seems perhaps too direct, though it certainly identifies the issue quite clearly. Poetically, I just think it might otherwise be hinted at, especially since you hint at it in S2. I'm not sure, however, what to suggest, except some punctuation and parallel speech suggestions... and perhaps a clarification of the end line (unless I've misunderstood it).

QUOTE(ArtesiaMeeks @ Jul 19 06, 14:04 ) [snapback]79076[/snapback]

I want to run and hide
like the wild[,] wayward wolf.
I want to shirk the burden
we’re facing...renal failure.

His manual-plastic kidney~~(,)~~
daily cleanses ~~ing~~, exchanges, ~~ing~~
extends our golden years
and shelters this life~~(,)~~ [ ... if I understand your intended meaning ]

I want to run from.

perhaps needing more Light too, Daniel

Posted by: AMETHYST Jul 19 06, 21:23

Hello Carol,

Reading this reminds me that care taking can take everything out of the care giver, especially watching the person you love suffer daily. And unfortunately, this is a common thought or feeling that overwhelms the care giver at times.

There is lots to relate to here. I liked the word shirk, would have thought also the word skirt, might be another way to say fun and hide, Some further thoughts to follow...

Best Regards, Liz

QUOTE(ArtesiaMeeks @ Jul 19 06, 18:04 ) [snapback]79076[/snapback]

I want to run and hide
like the wild wayward wolf.
I want to shirk the burden
we’re facing...renal failure.

L2, great image to compare the need of getting away.. "... wild wayward wolf' ... implying that underlying sense of guilt when the feeling of running away. I would suggest weeding it out, focusing on these stronger images..

Example:

I want to run. hide
away like the wild wayward wolf,
to shirk the burden
we're facing...renal failure.

His manual-plastic kidney,
daily cleansing, exchanging,
extends our golden years
and shelters life,

Perhaps you had intended the mechanical tone and descriptions through this stanza, to emphasis the mechanical needs to sustain life.

Example:

Manual-plastic kidney
cleansing daily, exchanging;
extending our golden years
and shelters sustained life.

I want to run from.

This felt an odd ending. I suppose you were going for the open ended ending... Leaving the wealth of imagination using the word 'from' ... However, it really doesn't work here. I would suggest considering adding a definitive word that would striking for the reader and memorable.

Such as...
I want to run from myself...

© 2006 Carol Dee Meeks

Good Luck Carol. Best Regards for both you and your husband. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts...

Best Regards, Liz

Posted by: JLY Jul 20 06, 05:57

Carol,

I read this several times with emphasis on your last line....

I want to run from.

At first I thought it was incomplete, but after pondering if for awhile, perhaps your intention was for the reader to begin creating images in their mind of all that could possibly be lost if we were in the same situation.

Your poem, although brief, drives home its message of sacrifice and the desire to escape this impacted lifestyle.

JLY

Posted by: AMETHYST Jul 20 06, 08:36

Also Carol, I could have swore that this poem was posted in Seren's... Perhaps old age is getting the better of me. I will move this into Seren's, as it is Free verse. Rhyme/Meter - Or Formed.

Amethyst

Posted by: Dove Jul 25 06, 00:08

i really liked this...maybe its my type of poetry i like? don't know...but i wasn't confused at all.

fav. part:

I want to run and hide
like the wild wayward wolf.

nit bit:

only 2. maybe add a comma after the first line and if you want to lose some of the confusion about the end maybe lose the word "from". your choice. IMHO i liked the openess.

QUOTE(ArtesiaMeeks @ Jul 19 06, 13:04 ) [snapback]79076[/snapback]

-dove

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Aug 13 06, 15:14

Hi Carol.

This is a poignant piece - How are you coping? It's a difficult adjustment to make and your poem poignantly states it in so few words. One canot help but realize that when life dishes us ailments, it certainly can change our outlook.

I have a suggestion for S2 for you to ponder below. AS always, take or toss.

Best regards,
~Cleo

I want to run and hide
like the wild[,] wayward wolf.
I want to shirk the burden
we’re facing...renal failure.
Powerful opening – right to the point.

His manual-plastic kidney,
daily cleansing, exchanging,
extends our golden years
and shelters life,

Now here I keep wanting to read this as:

His plastic kidney -
a manual ritual of
daily cleansing and exchanging;
extends our golden years
and shelters life,

I want to run from.
Excellent ending - I like it being it's own stanza, adds the drama to it.