Hi Judi,

I see you have piece of work written in free rhyme verses
and now about to use the meters. Good idea . I did the same with my
poem to get myself started in an easier way.

You don’t mind if I experiment with your piece a bit. I am
usually poor at Crits.

The WINDS are COLD as WINtry MONTHS are NIGH
and WARMTH is GONE from INdian SUMmer NOON.

Consider this as my experiment, for I am learning like you.

Cheers

Aggie

Hi, I have edited my poem. Please take a look.




Aggie

I'll be back soon.

Yes, Michelle,I see what I can do about it.



aggie

Hi Liz and Michelle,

I really hope you can come up with something more logical than mine
using this form. As for me I have to leave it
till better ideas crops up.

Thanks for showing the interest.



Aggie

Hi Liz,

Pantun or sing song , translated, is writen in the Malay Language.

In tragitional parties that I happened to go to, quite sometime back,
men and women used to dance and "balas pantun), which means one
recites a verse and the other replies in a verse to the question in singing
while dancing the joget. I was a child then.

I have written a few Pantun myself in Malay, but very poor imitation
compared to the real stuff. I used the AB, ab rhyme scheme.

But I love the example you posted by Phillip A. Ellis.

Pantumn, an adopted version, is totally different form Pantung.

So you know as much as I do.

Aggie

Hi Liz,


The reason I posted this piece here is to know what
readers think of it, I am glad you have given me a clear
picture of what you think.

Frankly speaking I expect readers to be confused
as I follow the Puntun style: where by the real object
of the poem is precided by a series of pretty write
and not to launch into it directly.

Like for example when a Pantun writer describes his
love for a gal he'll first talk of the mountain and water
and later pens his love to be as high as the mountain
and as beautiful as the water and so on.

In my piece of work, my real intent is stated in my last stanza
asking a friend to relax, tomorow is another day.
In stanza two, I ask that person not to go away, to his lonely window,
or to hide like an ostrich or rabbit.problems can be solved in due
course, like what is penned in stanza three.

I supose it is a challenge both for me and my critics to solve
my problem: how to put across my thoughts using the Pantun method.


Thanks for your effort in putting across your thoughts.



Aggie.

Cathy,

Thanks for checking in.

You have got a lot of useful tips and observations
which will help in my revision.

I like a friendly hand. It sounds much better than the original,
" a wave of the right hand" .

But I think “ as each composes lines to praise the rose.”
is ok to me as artists do use lines too to create a picture.

I rather like your two lines too, something for me
to ponder.



But I want to keep” lonely window, “ that speaks
volumes to me as a window is a place we
sit to stare out and see the world goes by.

A Chinese poem describes a person’s learning
as “ten years beneath the poor window.”

I suppose when we write we let a bit of us slip in.

Yes, I am excited about “ saffron” ,and will drop orange.

Thanks for checking in Cathy and the useful help.


Liz, I will be back to you later after I have prepared
my breakfast.



Aggie

Hi Sue,

This is exciting, apart from the story, still, the he-she tale,
the syllable count is regular, eleven through out.

Is this a made up story or based on any fairy tale?



Aggie

Hi Sue,

That’s the concluding line of that famous novel too.

Coming back to my poem, I am glad you think it flows well even
it is not iambic. I have written it in a hurry for a contest, which
did not favour rhyme poems and thus it has flaw, which I think
is good for workshop as there’s a lot to do and say.

I agree about that line and I like your suggestion, and will use it.

Thanks for checking in to comment.



Aggie

Hi Terry,

It was deleted by mistake when the power failed here. Now I have put it back.

Go ahead, solve it.

aggiel

A Problem to Solve ( Revised )

Though flowers beautify a printed card,
but add some lines so readers will not doze.
A painter spawns the art, so does a bard,
as each composes lines to praise the rose.

A farewell brandish from a friendly hand
will send you off to yonder lonely seat
to bury like an ostrich in the sand.
Take time to think before you wet your feet.

Reflect, the sun that sinks behind the hills
again will rise at dawn, to shine, to glow.
Today a daisy withers in the chills,
tomorrow, other buds will bloom, will grow.

Friends, if your mood is gloomy, let's break it;
go watch the saffron moon until it fades,
or read a book or quietly sit and knit.
Do choose to smile, not scowl, till luck cascades.




A Problem to Solve( Original)

A flower looks pretty printed on cards.
But add some lines so readers will not doze.
A painter creates art and so do bards
as each composes lines to praise the rose.

A farewell is a wave of the right hand,
to send you off to your lonely window;
like an ostrich hides its head on the sand,
or a rabbit burrows in a meadow.

Today the sun sinks beyond the horizon
Tomorrow the sun will rise, will glow.
Today, a lily drops to the ground,
Tomorrow, another bud will bloom, will grow.

My friend, if you have a problem,
so have I. But let us leave it a while,
to savor the orange sun while it lasts,
then hug our pillows till dreams beguile.

correction:

stanza 1, line 3,4

We sit around the park to doze and doze.
A painter creates art, so do most bards;
one loves to paint, the others smell a rose.

I really do love fireflies.This bring e back to my childhood, full of
memories of these little thing to brighten up my nights.

I love your write, heartsong.




Aggie

Cathy,

Just check in to say, this is lovely poem and I love the images,

with slender bough of give and take,
a tow'ring trunk of strong belief;

A great write!



Aggie

Happy Anniversary, Mosaic Musings !

Congratulation, Lori and all.





Aggie

Thanks a lot. I appreciate it.



Aggiel

Thanks Lori, especially the smile.




Aggie

Dear MM members,


I have just got my certificate of Senior Poets Laureate International
Diplomatic Award, 2007 from Amy Kitchener's Angels Without Wings Foundation.

My other wins of past years are :

http://www.amykitchenerfdn.org/gw05/region2005.html

http://www.amykitchenerfdn.org/bwa.html

Smiling Aggie

CONGRATULATIONS, DON.


I have just got my cert as well.


Aggie

Yes, Cathy, you are right about feeling lonely in the middle of a crowd.
That is what I am trying to describe, a picture of it.

Thanks for the encouraging words.

Aggiel

Hi Cathy,

So happy to see you here. Yes, I suppose it's a mini sestina , a form
I saw at a poetry website.

You have done some nit pick which I overlook and will soon fix them,
thanks.




Aggie

Hi Wally,

I am glad to make your acquaintance. Thanks for checking in to comment.

Yes, it’s a half-size sestina, for a sestina will look like this:

http://www.shadowpoetry.com/resources/wip/types.html

Since you have already given a clear definition, I suppose my poem is a
Variation of Metasestina. It is not metric and consists only three repeated words
At line end. The order of repetition is :

Stanza 1 …ABC
Stanza 2 CAB
Stanza 3 BAC

I am afraid it does sound very repetitious.




Aggiel

Hi Mistral,




This is just lovely, a nature poem, my favorite.I can feel the sublime
tranquility, see butterflies fluttering and hear the murmuring of trees.




Aggie

Hi Heartsong,

This piece really intrigues me, a two piece poem,
using the same words on both. I love it.




Aggie

Faces in Places

Wandering around feeling so lonely,
cardboard faces in cardboard places,
none will stop to ask, " Who are you, stranger? "

No grassy field, it’s all concrete and stranger
still, as the pavement is shouting, “ I’m lonely!”
Its echo is not heard; emptiness fills the places.

See this building, tallest among the places.
Here, you rub shoulders with folks, yet lonely.
Who will know that you are a stranger?

Ah, this place, but for the yammers, is lonely.

Agatha Lai

corrections:

stanza 1 Cardboard, None

last line , it's