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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ The View

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 21 10, 00:59

****Revision 1*****

you haunt -
from shadows beyond,
that thick mist
where I lost you -

I walk along
cobblestone paths
toward the castle
you've prepared

cutting my way
through the fog
with the razor-sharp edge
of your memory.

****Original****

The View

you haunt
from shadows beyond,
that thick mist
where I lost you -

I walk
cobblestone paths
toward the castle
you've prepared

cutting my way
through the fog
with the razor-sharp edge
of your memory.

Posted by: Eisa Sep 21 10, 13:57

Oh Liz - this is beautiful - poignant. I always say that when we lose our muse - it returns even better, and reading this I stand by that.

On reading this a number of times, I feel it is really good as it stands ... but here are a few points to chew over.

The View

I think perhaps you could find a better title to draw the reader in.

you haunt
from shadows beyond,
that thick mist
where I lost you -

This is a great beginning – mysterious and poignant.
L2 – I’m not sure that the comma is needed at the end.

I walk
cobblestone paths
toward the castle
you've prepared

L1 – perhaps - I walk along

cutting my way
through the fog
with the razor-sharp edge
of your memory.

L1 – might be a little cliché – don’t know?
Perhaps : slicing my way?

The last line is somehow unexpected – and I like that.

Well done, Liz! You're back on track!

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 21 10, 16:24

Hi Snow,

Thank you!!! This actually stirred a bit from a photo set up as inspiration and I didn't even have to think about what to write, it just came. I have posted a thread in Karnak, with the same photo to use as a stirring. I want to talk to Lori about maybe I can post one a month, as a monthly picture inspiration thread, where members can post their poetic thoughts about the picture, sort of what we found at Malstrom ...

And perhaps it will get juices flowing and more poems posted in the critique forums to stir things up a little.

Now back to the poem at hand! LOL

Thank you for the wonderful compliments on this, it surprised me, after it flowed - that I liked it even the next day ... LOL I like your suggestion of 'I walk along' - and thinking on your thoughts about 'cut my way' being cliche, I might agree, at the very least, it isn't as strong as it could be and so I was thinking 'whittling' or slicing, or better still cleaving through the fog -

Yes, that title was a real quick placement cause I had no clue what to name it! LOL

Best wishes and big hugs, Liz

Posted by: Eisa Sep 23 10, 16:09

Hi Liz

I've just been to Karnok and found your picture. I think this is a great idea!!!

I thought the title might have been a 'stand in'. I'm sure you'll find another soon.

Great work!

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 23 10, 23:33

Hi Snow,

I was actually contemplating omitting the entire 2nd stanza and leaving -

you haunt
from shadows beyond,
that thick mist
where I lost you -

cutting my way
through the fog
with the razor-sharp edge
of your memory.

What do you think of that? ... :)

Still no sign of an approapriate title yet -

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Eisa Sep 26 10, 03:24

Hi Liz

That is amazing - that you can omit the middle St and yet it still stands as a great poem.

I've given this a lot of thought as I do like the conciseness of just 2 stanzas, but really feel perhaps it makes more sense if st2 is included. You would have to be walking along to cut your way through. However, maybe St could be trimmed:

you haunt -
from shadows beyond,
that thick mist
where I lost you -

I walk along
cobblestone paths
toward the castle
[you've prepared]

Last line might not be needed

cutting my way
through the fog
with the razor-sharp edge
of your memory.

Just another thought Liz.

Hugs
Snow