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god
Posted on: Dec 28 06, 01:03


Nomad
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Group: Banned Member
Posts: 11
Joined: 3-October 06
Member No.: 276


In brackets are cliches. Originality is key to great writing, and if you don't know how, think of ideas, meanings, etc., that haven't or a rarely expressed.

[Reflective times]

[jar the mind] while salvation’s chimes

we neglect, [scurrying past] scarlet pails of hope.


It's said, that when we [give to those less fortunate]: [it helps us cope]

with [life’s ever-changing] dichotomy of scales - our ‘fortune scope’.

[Let us cherish] the [wealth of generosity] –


compose charity’s symphony;

a [sacred plea.]



peace
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #89159 · Replies: 15 · Views: 6,140

god
Posted on: Dec 26 06, 01:22


Nomad
*

Group: Banned Member
Posts: 11
Joined: 3-October 06
Member No.: 276


as a suggestion, you could tighten or condense this more, and use less cliche phrases and syntax.
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #89078 · Replies: 7 · Views: 3,514


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