Soapstone Woman, Wizard Award Winner Options

[Guest_Jox_*]

© James Oxenholme, 2005. I, James Oxenholme, do assert my right to be identified as the author of this work in accordance with Sections 77 and 78 of The Copyrights, Designs And Patents Act, 1988. (Laws of Cymru & England, as recognised by international treaties). This work was simultaneously copyrighted in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and the United States of America. This work is posted as an unpublished work in order to elicit critical assistance, only.

Ref: PF 0242 AF

(Typo corrected, Other changes may follow. New Version AF, using some of Don's and Grace's ideas - though I may use more still.)


*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

Soapstone Woman
by PF

Soapstone Woman
plunged into the glass door;
it shattered, impaling her:
Dracula on a stake.

She bled impure alcohol;
a nauseating stench of
whisky, sherry and tobacco
permeated the marriage.

As she lay there, her skull
opened and millions of
neurons escaped death by
a thousand bottles.

Her lungs begged their
pierced end; a glass
sword of mercy to save
them from tobacco’s
merciless ravages.

Each time she escaped
with minor injuries.
Each time all survived
to endure it, yet again..

She died slowly,
rescued only by tobacco’s
success on another, giving
her the will to care for the
first time in thirty-five years.

Death finally, as an old lady;
Sisters beside her.
Lungs having taken revenge...
eventually.

Share values plunged though
the spirits danced that night.

(end)

Version AD (Original version on MM):
Ref: PF 0242 AD

Soapstone Woman
by PF

Soapstone Woman plunged
into the glass door;
it shattered,
impaling her as if she were
Dracula on a stake.

She bled impure alcohol;
a nauseating stench of
whisky, sherry and tobacco
permeated the marriage.

As she lay there, her skull
opened and millions of
neurons escaped death by
a thousand bottles.

Her lungs begged their
pierced end; a glass
sword of mercy to save
them from tobacco’s
merciless ravages.

Each time she escaped
with minor injuries.
Each time all survived
to endure next time.

And so she died slowly,
rescued only by tobacco’s
success on another, giving
her the will to care for the
first time in thirty-five years.

Death finally, as an old lady;
Sisters beside her,
lungs having taken revenge...
eventually.

Share values plunged though
the spirits danced that night.

(end)

[Guest__*]

Dear Jox,

Another death  ?

This is such a shocker that I will need to digest, and see the discussion that will certainly follow, to perhaps gain more understanding.

Meanwhile, a tiny typo :

HeR lungs begged their <<<<<<<<-------------- here !
pierced end; a glass
sword of mercy to save
them from tobacco’s
merciless ravages.

Love
Alan

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi James

This is an extremely powerful poem.  Very strong images.  I can feel the anger coming through very forcefully.

Alcohol and smoking, two of the worst addictions we have in this country, the third being drugs.  

Of course (to quote my husband) the government don't want to do anything about smoking because they earn too much money from it.

People who smoke not only damage their own lungs but those who live or work with them.  The husband of a friend of mine died of lung cancer.  He didn't smoke but worked in a pub for most of his adult life.  He was only in his 40s when he died and had 2 young children.

Nina

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Nina,

Thank you for your comments.

I once saw a calculation which said the UK lost heavily because of tobacco addiction and even HMG does because of the NHS costs (and I imagine similar abroad). However, HM Treasury set taxes directly, so there is a temptation there. Sorry! Donning my Economist's hat again.

I think all these drugs have to be legal because of the bigger problems if they are not. However, yes the damage is severe even then. Abuse is a serious illness.

I am really pleased that smoking is being clamped-down upon in public places. I would not stop people smoking but there is no reason that others should directly suffer. I am very sorry for the family which you mentioned.

Thank you Nina - for this visit and the rest.

James.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Alan,

Thanks for your comments; much appreciated again.

Death - another. Sorry. This poem was written in October and Beep just the other day - a co-incidence of posting. Then again, I was more cheerful recently; I shall try to be more cheery with the next. Promise.

Thanks for the typo correction - have done that.

Thank you for sticking with this and awaiting a discussion. We'll see what happens.

By the way, I ought to explain the title. (Meant to but forgot).

In gift shops one can buy soapstone figurines. Soapstone is a soft (hence the name) African stone which can be almost cut with a knife to sculpt it. Many of the mini-sculptures which have been produced are of women with a hole in the centre - representing a womb; a place for a child. So the title refers to a malleable woman, moulded by the abuses described. But I think the space which was meant to be positive I probably saw as a void. Just my strange mind :)

Thanks!

James.

[Ephiny]

Hello James

This is so powerful..the use of the image of soapstone works so perfectly and portrays the whole story so vividly...a personality in severe distress from constant abuse, both outwardly and inwardly, a household in torment.

It's almost a year since our smoking ban was put into place here..it's really impossible to smoke in any enclosed place (apart from one's own home of course) and although people gave out about it a lot at the beginning, overall, both smokers and non-smokers seem to be very satisfied with it, perhaps not pub owners but definately bar staff.   It seems to have worked very well.

I really like the note of hope (well, I interpreted it that way) at the end, even though it came about in a round-about way.

And so she died slowly,
rescued only by tobacco’s
success on another, giving
her the will to care for the
first time in thirty-five years.

This was very thought-provoking and I've really enjoyed reading it, James

[Cybele]

Hello James,

Whew! Strong meat here my friend (no pun intended.)

Before I comment James can you please explain the last line of this verse, I seem to have my stupid head on today,

She bled impure alcohol;
a nauseating stench of
whisky, sherry and tobacco
permeated the marriage.


Also these words?


rescued only by tobacco’s
success on another,  

Back soon.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Lucie,

Thank you very much.

Yes, Ireland is way ahead of the USA and the USA way head of the UK on this matter. We'll all follow suit - and no a moment too soon.

Perhaps a tad late for hope; redemption to some degree, maybe.

Thanks, Lucie.

James.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Grace, Hi,

Thanks for your visit and comments hitherto.

>>Before I comment James can you please explain the last line of this verse, I seem to have my stupid head on today,

Not stupid at all. Mind you, all that swan watching... :)

"She bled impure alcohol;
a nauseating stench of
whisky, sherry and tobacco
permeated the marriage."

Addiction causes obvious problems to the victim but also to their families. The smell of the substances and the effect of their consumption both penetrate the household and the relationships between its members. Does that make any sense, Grace? I think I may simply be repeating, so if I am please do tell me.

>>Also these words?

rescued only by tobacco’s
success on another,  

If both partners in a marriage are heavy smokers (as is often the case) then both will be physically damaged. I had in mind here that the main character (Soapstone Woman) might have to nurse her partner because that person was made ill by tobacco.

>>Back soon.

Thank you, Grace, I shall lookm forward.

All the best, James.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,

I most definitely agree with Nina:

This is an extremely powerful poem.  Very strong images.  I can feel the anger coming through very forcefully.

The frustrations and misery of a marriage and family life blighted by alcholism?

Each time she escaped
with minor injuries.
Each time all survived
to endure next time.

Addiction isn't temporary: unchecked it goes on and on. Sometimes people can decide to seek a cure. Sometimes they can seek help - attention - in other ways. Unless they have a real wish to 'get better' amd immense determination the cycle repeats.

Share values plunged though
the spirits danced that night.

And, also as Nina pointed out, the government and fat-cats who profit from shares in the booze and tobacco 'industries'  loose out when their products are no longer consumed.

Well done for painting us such a bitter, powerful image, James.

Fran

[Guest_Don_*]

Greetings Jox,

I like critting free verse pretending it to be ill written prose.

You first stanza is a grabber, to your credit.
Soapstone woman takes a little thought.  It does not detract from lead-in, despite going deeper into more stanzas to solidify.
The soft and malleable nature, simile for inherent addiction by exposure, perhaps?

Stanza 1:
Perhaps plunging through (instead of into) the glass door?
What is purpose of "if she were.?"

Soapstone Woman plunged
through shattering glass door,
impaling her as
Dracula on a stake.

Stanza 2:
Suggest deleting "nauseating" as almost redundant with "stench."
In fact the word, "stink" enhances emotional delivery.
Suggest "their marriage" replacing "the marriage."
This expanse personal problem to others.

I think remaining stanzas can be similarly tightened.

Suggestions are to consider or chop.  Thanks for presenting this to read and comment upon.

Don

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Don,

>>I like critting free verse pretending it to be ill written prose.

Thanks for your venture into unpoetic words! Much appreciated.

>>You first stanza is a grabber, to your credit.
Soapstone woman takes a little thought.  It does not detract from lead-in, despite going deeper into more stanzas to solidify.
The soft and malleable nature, simile for inherent addiction by exposure, perhaps?

Good point; I'd love to say I'd thought of that; but I hadn't. Thanks.

>>Perhaps plunging through (instead of into) the glass door?

Well, this is a tough one. through suggests all the way through (though I would agree it doesn't say that per se). into does suggest she somehow joins the structure of the door - which seems more appropriate.

>>What is purpose of "if she were.?"

None whatsoever. Thanks! Will change that.

>>Suggest deleting "nauseating" as almost redundant with "stench."

I shall think a little more about that but my inclination is you're quite right... "nauseating" does seem unnecessary. Thanks, again.

>>In fact the word, "stink" enhances emotional delivery.

Well it might but it's not a word I ever use so I think I'll not take that one up thanks - outside of "my voice", so to speak. (Now you've put it in my mind though, I expect my next dozen poems will feature it without me realising!)

>>Suggest "their marriage" replacing "the marriage."
This expanse personal problem to others.

I agree that it would do that, thank you. However, I wish to keep this personal to "their" marriage. Thanks, though!

I think remaining stanzas can be similarly tightened.

I'm obviously not sure what you have in mind. However, I do know the final two verses are somewhat repetitive and could be tightened.

>>Suggestions are to consider or chop.  Thanks for presenting this to read and comment upon.

No, thank you Don, some really useful ideas and corrections, there - I shall certainly be using some.

Cheers, James.

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi again Jox,

When I worked in military ordnance design we had jargon terms for projectiles that deflect (bounce off), penetrate, or pierce

Penetrate was like an arrow embedded within a target but not protruding from exit side.

Pierce meant totally passing through, or embedded protruding from exit side.

I envisioned above pierce upon reading your into glass door.

To me, your use of into does not necessarily mean glass shatter.  I envision running "into" a brick wall with no damage to the object.

I certainly do not expect anyone to consider technical jargon of a long past era.  My suggestion of through was to picture a person's torso within the door frame of shattered glass.

The other hand says that glass was shattered, which conveys picture of how she injured herself.  Hence, the word "into"  is perfectly satisfactory.

Don

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hello Don,

Thanks for your comments again.

I do take your point about into / through. I think now that you have made it more forceably I am starting to see it better - I will consider it with the update. Thanks. (Good point about "into" only meaning hitting).

>>My suggestion of through was to picture a person's torso within the door frame of shattered glass.

That was precisely the image I wished to portray - so thanks!

I shall edit this asap.

Cheers, Don.

James.

[Cybele]

Good morning James,

Sorry I took a long time to get back, but I have been thinking hard about this one after your kind explanations.

Soapstone Woman plunged
into the glass door;
it shattered,
impaling her as if she were
Dracula on a stake.

impaling her like
Dracula  on a stake.


She bled impure alcohol;
a nauseating stench of
whisky, sherry and tobacco
permeated the marriage.

She bled pure alcohol.        (undiluted)

Full stop after alcohol since this is one statement start new sentence on next line?
I understand your last line now James, but feel it is a little disconnected and needs some explanation within the verse. Perhaps..

had permeated her marriage

As she lay there, her skull
opened and millions of
neurons escaped death by
a thousand bottles.                               Fantastic imagery James.

He lungs begged their
pierced end; a glass
sword of mercy to save
them from tobacco’s
merciless ravages.

Line 1 Typo  Should this be her or the ?
 
Each time she escaped
with minor injuries.
Each time all survived
to endure next time.

One time too many James,

Once more she escaped
with minor injuries.
Again she survived
to endure the next time.


And so she died slowly,
rescued only by tobacco’s
success on another, giving
her the will to care for the
first time in thirty-five years.

This verse James doesn’t make instant sense when read. I understand now that you have explained but it is not clear without your explanation You say

And so she died slowly,

but this is a non sequitur, since you have not previously mentioned a reason why she didn’t die from alcohol poisoning, and I think your explanation of the reformed smoker who supports her is not at all clear. I have no suggestion as to how you could change this but I think it needs revision James.

She died an old lady;
Sisters beside her,
lungs having taken revenge...
eventually.

Sisters, as in nuns?  Where is the loving husband?

Share values plunged though
the spirits danced that night.

Great concept for a protest poem James, very powerful and a message that needs to be read.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

"He lungs begged ..."  You left out your "r".

I see nothing else to crit ... it's very powerful and sends a message loud and clear.  Good job!

Cathy~

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace - thanks for your comments - I'll be back to go over them later, if I may.

Cathy, hi - thanks for popping in and for your kind comment.

The typo has been corrected. Thank you.

James.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace,

At last!

>>Sorry I took a long time to get back, but I have been thinking hard about this one after your kind explanations.

Very kind of you; I’ve been a while, too - sorry!

>>She bled pure alcohol. (undiluted)
>>Full stop after alcohol since this is one statement start new sentence on next line?

She bled impure alcohol;
a nauseating stench of
whisky, sherry and tobacco
permeated the marriage.

I meant that the impure alcohol (impure because it is contained in various drinks which are a maximum of 40% alcohol). I also wanted the concept of impurity there as a metaphorical point about a marriage, sullied by the substances abuse. (so to speak).

The reason that the three lines follow-on from “impure alcohol,” is that (metaphorically, at least) I intended the stench of the alcohol, which was being bled, to find its way into all aspects of the marriage. In other words, alcohol I see as messing the marriage up. I hope that makes sense, Grace?

”As she lay there, her skull
opened and millions of
neurons escaped death by
a thousand bottles.”

>> Fantastic imagery James.

Thank you, Grace.

He lungs begged their

>>Line 1 Typo Should this be her or the ?

Yup! Alan mentioned it too and I thought I’d changed it. thanks for the reminder, Grace - changed now.

Each time she escaped
with minor injuries.
Each time all survived
to endure next time.

>>One time too many James,

Yes, I think that a good point, Grace. I will keep both “Each times” for effect but find a different ending, if I can. Thanks.

And so she died slowly,
rescued only by tobacco’s
success on another, giving
her the will to care for the
first time in thirty-five years.

>>This verse James doesn’t make instant sense when read. I understand now that you have explained but it is not clear without your explanation You say

“And so she died slowly,”

>>but this is a non sequitur, since you have not previously mentioned a reason why she didn’t die from alcohol poisoning, and I think your explanation of the reformed smoker who supports her is not at all clear. I have no suggestion as to how you could change this but I think it needs revision James.

Non-Sequitur: Good point, Grace. I shall axe the “And so” at the start. Thank you.

I wanted her not to die from alcohol poisoning - many alcoholics do not, despite amazing levels of consumption.

I think you may have my intention in reverse, there Grace (my fault - not yours). I meant her to be rescued by the need to help another person in trouble from smoking. So she would have to care for them. The idea of being needed forcing a purpose into her life. If rather late.

She died an old lady;
Sisters beside her,
lungs having taken revenge...
eventually.

>>Sisters, as in nuns?

Yes. That was my intention precisely - hence the capital letter - as you detected.

>> Where is the loving husband?

I thought of him as being that victim of tobacco - finally having succumbed before her.

“Share values plunged though
the spirits danced that night.”

>>Great concept for a protest poem James, very powerful and a message that needs to be read.

Thank you Grace. I really appreciate your comments and I will make the changes of yours as I noted - thank you.

James.

[Cybele]

Good morning James,

Thank you for your detailed explanation ~ glad to have been of some small help.

I think you may have my intention in reverse, there Grace (my fault - not yours). I meant her to be rescued by the need to help another person in trouble from smoking. So she would have to care for them. The idea of being needed forcing a purpose into her life. If rather late.

This intrigued me James. I know you are not a great film fan, but one of the best films I ever saw dealt with just such a subject.

'Days of wine and Roses' starring Lee Merrick and Jack Lemon, tackled the subject of alcoholism.
The couple met and fell in love, he an alcaholic and she a non-drinker.  On a boat trip he encouraged her to try a small drink and she finally accepted a chocolate liqour.

She encouraged him to seek help and he joined AA and was cured.
Unfortunately she gradually declined into alcoholism and he, in all his sobriety was unable to save her.

I think even you would have appreciated the great acting in this film James, and I can never hear that beautiful music without revisiting the film in my mind.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Grace,

What a superb film plot.

I do like film acting, sometimes. I'm a very big fan of British WW2 (subject) films. Jack Hawkins, Dicky Attenborough, John Mills, Kenneth Moore, et al. Wonderful acting. Love the 007 films.

I'm less good on overseas films. (Except Star Wars and Star Trek and many films with Jimmy Stewart - "Harvey" is probably my fav film of all time).

I don't know that particular one but it sounds fascinating. Good plot.

If it comes on I'll try to watch it, if I can. Thanks, Grace.

And thanks for your kind comments.

James.