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> A Wakening *, Rondeau
Larry
post Nov 7 17, 23:01
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A Wakening

Awakening in foggy night
with grey, before the dawn brings light,
which chills one's soul and veils my eyes;
I hear their tears as each leaf cries
and falls to earth as though contrite.

Although each year it is the plight
of those who try to reach the skies
as nature rules and each one dies
awakening

the cycle as the chill winds bite
and bid each red and golden kite
a sad goodbye. Winter applies
an icy shroud of white disguise
‘til seeds of Spring begin their rite,
a wakening.


S1/L3 "ones" has been changed to a possessive "one's"
S2/L3 (but) has been changed to (as)

Thanks Daniel!


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Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

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JustDaniel
post Nov 24 17, 17:38
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A very fine rondeau, Larry. Sorry I overlooked it!

Just a couple notes:

QUOTE (Larry @ Nov 7 17, 23:01 ) *
A Wakening

Awakening in foggy night
with grey, before the dawn brings light,
which chills ones soul and veils my eyes;
...one's... and my eyes seems out of parallel w/ one's soul ?
I hear their tears as each leaf cries
and falls to earth as though contrite.

Although each year it is the plight
of those who try to reach the skies
but nature rules and each one dies
Although, I believe, removes the necessity of using but, so you might restructure this ?
awakening

the cycle as the chill winds bite
and bid each red and golden kite
a sad goodbye. Winter applies
an icy shroud of white disguise
‘til seeds of Spring begin their rite,
a wakening.

deLighting in your writing, Daniel sun.gif


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Larry
post Nov 24 17, 20:51
Post #3


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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,332
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.



Hi Daniel,

Thanks for stopping in and your input. It is appreciated and both points are valid and corrections are being made as soon as this is posted.

Again, thanks for catching my goofs.

Larry


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When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

MM Award Winner
 
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