Slowly Still, Quatern Options

[AMETHYST]

Slowly Still

I keep on feeling like our time
is running out. No reason, rhyme
or logic to defend this fear,
however weird, I sense it near.

Unconsciously, a feel the climb
and know we've wasted too much time
running about, without a care
while sifting sands now disappear.

A silent whisper says "Don't despair!
No need to fret, run here or there-
We're all allowed specific time
to tend our tills, and still the chime-

is closing in, so be aware.
When all is said and done, don't dare
to claim you hadn't seen the sign-
the clock has stopped--we're out of time!

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Liz - just about to go to bed, so please forgive me if this makes too little sense!

This is rather like Van Morrison's song - and is a good reminder to us all.

However, I sense a relationship "out of time" here, rather than a life.

Just a few comments...

Slowly Still

is running out. No reason, rhyme (Good reversal of a cliche - like that)

Unconsciously, {a}[I} feel the climb
and know we've wasted too much time [-]
running about, without a care
while sifting sands now disappear. (shifting sands - cliche)

We're all allowed specific time (Fatalism?)
to tend our tills, and still the chime- (great last phrase)

to claim you hadn't seen the sign- (seen the sign cliche)
the clock has stopped--we're out of time!

I'm not sure I like reading this - not because it's poor; it's very good. But rather chillingly too good - an unpleasant reminder.

Well done. Thank you (I think!)

James.

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Liz

This is a good poem which flows really well and has an excellent message in it.  People do tend to get comfortable in a relationship and stop putting in as much effort as they did at the beginning.  We treat our partners like a comfortable pair of old slippers without making much of attempt to keep them looking fluffy and new.  Then of course we drift apart so wrapped up in our own interests and only notice when it is too late.  The romance and passion have gone perhaps to be found elsewhere.

just a couple of thoughts {delete} [add}

A silent whisper[,] {says} "Don't despair!
No need to fret, run here or there-
We're all allowed specific time
to tend our tills, and still the chime-I did wonder if and was the right word here.

Thanks for the read.  It was thought provoking

Nina

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Liz.

Just an acedemic question for this morning, then I'm off to work outside.  Hope to look further later.

I see that you may be using a broader definition of 'quatern' than I have read so far, following the four stanzas and the repetition of "time" in successive lines of each of the four stanzas, but I'd only read of repeating the entire line, so this is new to me... though I had not even attempted to write one until this morning.  Reading your tag line spurred me to look at the form again with some excitement.

My quick thoughts are the same as Nina's note, but I'll be back.

Thanks for further Light, Daniel  :sun:

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Liz.  

I've not heard of a Quatern before. Would you mind posting th form and your example please in Karnak for us all to practice?  

Since I'm not familiar with the form, please take or toss my suggestions (and let me know if they interfere with the form).

Hugs!
~Cleo  


I keep on feeling like our time
is running out. No reason, rhyme
or logic to defend this fear,
however weird, I sense it near.  *Solid opening!  

Unconsciously, a I feel the climb
and know we've wasted too much time
running about, without a care    *How about 'running rampant'?
while sifting sands now disappear.

A silent whisper, says "Don't despair!
No need to fret, run here or there-
We're all allowed specific time   *a 'speck' of time?
to tend our tills, and still the chime-

is closing in, so be aware.
When all is said and done, don't dare
to claim you hadn't seen the sign-
the clock has stopped--we're out of time!

[AMETHYST]

Hi James,

Thank you! I like chilling and yes, after I finished it I felt the same way...An opening of the eyes, is sometimes not truly what we really need! :) Is it "This is the end" By the Doors that you are referring to? ... If so, that use to be my favorite Doors song (years ago.)

I thank you for bringing to light some area's I might relook at and develop it from cliche to a little more fresh and original text. This was a quick write and my first for an assignment for a Rhyme Class I had taken. I was running out of time for the dead line on the assignment! LOL I am glad something else other than death comes to mind as well.


I will make some changes with your suggestions in mind and I thank you for bringing them to my awareness. They are exactly what is needd to make this poem, more fruitful.

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Nina,

Thank you for stopping in! I love when a poem offers readers a multitude of interpretations. I think that is a sign of good poetics.  Your thoughts on taking a relationship for granted is what I also have noted recently, we become complacent and dulled with our input into relationships. That is also including friendships, spouses and often siblings, parents and our children. We come to take it for granted that they are there and we start looking through them and not at them... Hey, that too is certainly another poem in itself!

We're all allowed specific time
to tend our tills, and still the chime-I did wonder if and was the right word here.

Thanks for the read.  It was thought provoking

Yes, actually I wanted 'and still the chime' to offer a dual intention. To (still-stop...freeze in motion) or  and still (continues-) so that it could be read simultaneously as ... the chime continues to slow and close, but also that our actions are silling (stopping the chime) ...

I am glad it offered something to stir your thoughts.

Hugs, Liz

[Aggiel]

Hi Liz,

I love the rhymes and flow in our poem. It's a good read.




Regards

Aggiel

[Guest_Zeus˛_*]

Liz,
I think you are taking the optimist's view rather than the pessimistic.
So there is plenty of hope. Like the new form.

Hugs
Larry

[jgdittier]

Dear Liz,
How gently but adroitly you've admonished us all for frittering away time.
MY thoughts:
stanzas 1 and 4 are fine with Cleo's changes and stanza 3 a knockout with that brilliant double use of "still". All are in perfect-/-/-/-/
You've already had several polishing strokes forcing me to squint
as I add one possible rub:
Stanza 2, line 3 begins with the beat on "running"
RUNning aBOUT, withOUT aCARE
while SIFTing SANDS now DISsaPEAR
if you would like to maintain the perfect beat, tighten the rhyme and maintain the thought:
to RUN aBOUT with OUT a CARE,
of SANDS of TIME, we've NONE to SPARE."
Just a thought, your decision always.
Cheers,     jgd

[AMETHYST]

Hi Liz,

I love the rhymes and flow in our poem. It's a good read.




Regards

Aggiel

Hello Aggiel,

Thank you so very much for the encouragement. It is always a kindness to have others root us on! Best to you, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Liz,
I think you are taking the optimist's view rather than the pessimistic.
So there is plenty of hope. Like the new form.

Hugs
Larry

Thank you Larry,

At first, when I wrote this, I hadn't really taken a personal view...actually I think it was more a message to myself, some inner fears and thoughts just seeping out between the conscious thinking of bills and other things! LOL

I like that you see and understand the positive tone...a sense of wakeup, begin living and finding what works for you...

I am so glad to see you here!

Hugs, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Dear Liz,
How gently but adroitly you've admonished us all for frittering away time.
MY thoughts:
stanzas 1 and 4 are fine with Cleo's changes and stanza 3 a knockout with that brilliant double use of "still". All are in perfect-/-/-/-/
You've already had several polishing strokes forcing me to squint
as I add one possible rub:
Stanza 2, line 3 begins with the beat on "running"
RUNning aBOUT, withOUT aCARE
while SIFTing SANDS now DISsaPEAR
if you would like to maintain the perfect beat, tighten the rhyme and maintain the thought:
to RUN aBOUT with OUT a CARE,
of SANDS of TIME, we've NONE to SPARE."
Just a thought, your decision always.
Cheers,     jgd

Hi Ron,

Glad you enjoyed! Thank you for both the wonderful direction and the kind comments! The line in question, was intentionally created as a variation of iambic meter. It is a double Iamb, where a trochee and iamb, create a smooth fluxation to the ear. It helps to keep the meter from becoming too monotonous and sing songy.

Thank you for catching the multi-meaning of 'still' I wanted it to in some way add to the readers comprehension of time/life in motion.

Thank you for your excellent eye and feedback, I will be making some changes soon and hope to hear your thoughts.

Best Regards, Liz

[AMETHYST]

Hi Daniel,

I know I had posted a reply to your post and to Lori's, what happened to them, I am not sure...My apologies!

I just learned the form myself, in an online rhyme class-the params she set were a lot different from the params of the actual form. I like the way this came out, but I do find the params you've posted in the Karnak much more enjoyable.

I thank you for your feedback and your suggestions are 'spot on' will be using them to the most benefit. Thank you


Best Regards, Liz


HEY Lori,

As I just mentioned to Daniel, I posted a reply to your post and it is Pooof...
Thank you for your suggestion of "speck of time" I LOVE IT! and will be using it with your blessings!

The line "Running about' is a double iamb to freshen and enliven the meter so it didn't get too monotonous!

I will be revisions, hopefully this evening and I do look forward to your impressions!

Big Hugs, Liz