Light from Darkness, Wizard Award Winner Options

[Guest_Toumai_*]

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

Revised: 26th December 2004
(With thanks for suggestions from Perry)

Light from Darkness

In the resounding silence
of the darkest hours
an unconscious chasm –

I fall
awake;
heart breaking
free of sleep.
I listen –

Light dawns.


Original

Light from Darkness

In the resounding silence
of the darkest hours
an unconscious chasm
plunges me to my depths.

I fall
awake;
heart breaking
free of sleep.
I listen –

Light dawns.

© Toumai
December 2004

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Fran,

I thought this an optimistic poem. I don’t know if you intended that but that’s what I had initially.

The title is optimistic and does not appear to be ironic. The fact the plunge occurs during sleep but waking stops it also says that for me.

However,

I fall
awake;
heart breaking
free of sleep

does confuse this thesis. Because it appears to be the waking which causes the heart break. It appears to contradict the previous verse. It is the fact that the heart break occurs after waking which I cannot quite grasp.

A great first verse; the second is centred around “heart breaking,” which is a pity as the phrase is so familiar. Nevertheless, it may be the only suitable one. Is it?

You have carefully used a son et lumiere here. I do wonder if the sound part is fulfilled? “Resounding silence” is fine but the narrator is listening. Do they hear anything? I think the dawn chorus would be awful but I wonder if some indication might be appropriate?

I wonder if this is meant to be contradictory. In the sense that life is and “sleeping on it” often solves nowt.

I enjoyed this very much, Fran. Brilliant images and phrases. But for me the light still has to dawn.

J.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,  

This was written for a particular idea given to me on MM. I promise to explain all, but I'd like to wait a little first, if you will excuse me.

Warmest regards,
Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

Well, I have been pondering the meaning of this poem.  

an unconscious chasm
plunges me to my depths

wonderful lines painting a picture of having a nightmare.

I fall
awake;
heart breaking
free of sleep.
I listen –


In this nightmare, I seem to read into it that you are dreaming of plunging to your death and at the point of falling, you wake up, still full of the emotions the nightmare invoked.  You are not just awake but wide awake, listening, slowly coming back to reality.

This often happens to me.  I wake  from a nightmare still feeling the shock and anguish of it.  I almost seem to wake myself up at the point where I couldn't bear the nightmare to go on because the pain would be too much or something horrible is about to happen such as death.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi,

As a child I had similar dreams, Nina.

A frequent one was going up a steep staircase in a Derby decorating store - the real staircase was open tread and in the very centre of the shop, so one felt very exposed. In the dream, the staircase simply keeps allowing one to climb; no roof seemed to be reached. Then suddenly I lost grip and fell into the oblivion of the gloss paints department. As I slipped and headed for a multi-coloured future I always awoke. My in-depth psychological interpretation of this nightmare is: I don't like steep stairs.

I agree almost entirely with you Nina but, Fran, that contradiction still puzzles me. I shall wait with interest to see other interpretations before you tell us what you meant. I am finding it more interesting on my own poems to hold-off giving explanations as I see them, to allow other original crits.

Cheerio for now.

James.

[Aggiel]

Hello Fran,

I really love this piece of work and the simplicity of it . It says such  a lot and it's beautiful. I see you already have good analysis from James and Nina, I don't have to add in mine.

Thanks for sharing

Aggiel

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

I'm sorry to hear you also have bad dreams. Mine have actually been much less frequent recently, but there have been stressful times when I would wake in panic - and that is indeed what the first part of the poem describes.

James,

I gather that falling (like attempting to fly) is a very common dream image. No wonder some of your images are so colourful, lol.

Aggiel,

Thank you for taking the time to visit this minimal story.


Warmest regards,  
Fran

[Guest_Nina_*]

thankfully I don't have them frequently, though having said that, the other night I did dream of a bolt of lightning striking the block of flats where I live and razing it to the ground, so nothing was left but ashes.

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Hi, Fran:

Light from Darkness

[Okay title, but uninspired.]

In the resounding silence
of the darkest hours

[Lovely first two lines - perfect, in fact]

an unconscious chasm
plunges me to my depths.

[How can a chasm plunge somebody? You might plunge into a chasm, but...  Okay, I'm very literal, but this didn't ring true for me.]

I fall
awake;

[Good]

heart breaking

[Not sure if heart is breaking or breaking free.]

free of sleep.
I listen –

Light dawns.

[Nice imagery.]

I told you I was no good with poetry.

Perry  

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Well, Hello Perry!

Welcome to MM - and thanks for your comments, too.

So are you stretching your poetry wings?  

What a lovely surprise to see you here. I did say it gets addictive, didn't I.

I find critting poetry very tricky - especially forms. You can always say which lines are favourites or which jar slightly (even if improvements don't come to mind).

Have fun. :pharoah2

Fran

[Guest_Perrorist_*]

Fran, I'm not sure if I have wings to stretch. Poetry is a bit of a dark art to me.  I sort of know what I like but much of what I'm told is good verse goes whistling over my head.

If you respond to my comments, I might learn though.  ;)

Perry

[Guest_Jox_*]

Perry,

Already said "Hi" off line but I'd still like to wish you a really big welcome to Mosaic Musings (MM). I have read some of your very good writing on BBCGW and it is really good to have another prose writer here - and one who is willing to dip their toe in poetry, too.

Very good to have you here!

"I sort of know what I like but much of what I'm told is good verse goes whistling over my head."

Well, you'll not find great agreement here... but you will find almost every style of poetry possible. In Karnak's (part of Poetry) you'll find lots of different styles and poetry education. In Homer's and Socrates - others parts of poetry (this forum is Homer's) you'll find many examples of all sorts of poetry.

To me (and you'll find many people to disagree) in the end, poetry has to be what the writer says it is. All other definitions falter some way. I suppose prose says things in full descriptions, whereas poetry is much more economic with words. But beyond that I don't know of any descriptions which are not seriously challenged somewhere. What is good? I suppose good poetry is poetry that cannot be said better, just like prose. However, whatever level of perfection one might reach, someone will disagree (just like prose).

There are some excellent form poets on here - using formal rhyme schemes and meter and layout. There are others who are into freeform and some of us (i.e. me) even look as though, if we didn't write in a drug-induced trance, perhaps we should have. (My excuse is I'm experimenting!).

Anyway, have fun, learn and take part. Again, great to see you here.

James.

[Guest_Jox_*]

Perry - PS Fran was dashing around this morning. She'll probably be back later to answer your crit.

James.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Perry,

I’m sorry that I was unable to reply properly earlier.
Thank you very much for looking at this so carefully.

Light from Darkness

[Okay title, but uninspired.]
I agree.

In the resounding silence
of the darkest hours

[Lovely first two lines - perfect, in fact]
Thank you; nice to know they work well for you.

an unconscious chasm
plunges me to my depths.

[How can a chasm plunge somebody? You might plunge into a chasm, but...  Okay, I'm very literal, but this didn't ring true for me.]
Well, I’d probably rather you were literal than Freudian on this couplet, lol. Perhaps I could even loose the second line … I will think about it (see – a useful suggestion already! )

I fall
awake;

[Good]
Thank you

heart breaking

[Not sure if heart is breaking or breaking free.]
Could be either meaning

free of sleep.
I listen –

Light dawns.

[Nice imagery.]
Thank you.
The idea started with a suggestion from JJ (who seems to have missed the result so far): ‘Insomnia and creativity’.

I told you I was no good with poetry.
On the contrary, very helpful indeed - many thanks. It is lovely to see you here; I hope you find it useful and enjoyable, but don't get too distracted from your novel.

Best wishes,
Fran

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi,

1. "JJ (who seems to have missed the result so far): ‘Insomnia and creativity’."  - not asleep is he? (That would creatively account for it).

2. A Freudian couplet - now there's a Freudianism!

Sorry, but irresistible!

James.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,

Freudian couplet?

I think fire-fighters are probably rather seasonally busy with people setting fire to their Xmas puds and too many candles and drunk people around - and Santa getting stuck in chimneys, no doubt.  

Hope everyone on MM had a peaceful holiday.  

Love,
Fran  

[Guest_Jox_*]

HI Fran,

Interesting change. Not sure I agree with it but now 'tis made, some more comments, hope they help...

Suggestion: {omit}[add]

In the resounding silence
of the darkest hours
an unconscious chasm {–}[:]

I fall[,] (- slows it down - now a line has been removed it has sped too much)
awake;
heart breaking
free of sleep.
I listen – (I should have spotted this before; you listen but a visual follows? Oops, I did spot it before, sorry - but you may still wish to think on't)

Light dawns.

James.

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi James,

Thanks for persevering with this.  Not the easiest thing to knock into shape, since it had remarkably little at the start ...

I am thinking about the punctuation you suggest; I have played with it and right now - at this instant - I'm inclined to leave it as is (may be an advantage ot gert thru it fast I'm beginning to think, lol). I may come back and change it later, if the mood takes me.

I recall (she lies thru her teeth) that the sound and sight juxtaposition was quite deliberate (serindipity); left vs right brain; creating an idea out of nothing; the kind of connections that appear in that hazy half-asleep state and can (sometimes) spark good writing.

Thank you very much for all your help.  :sun:

Fran  :dragon:

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Fran

I agree with James on the changes.  Personally I preferred your original.  For me, without the 4th line of the first verse, the poem loses the force of a nightmare.  True a chasm can't plunge you to your depths, but it did get the message across.

In the resounding silence
of the darkest hours
an unconscious chasm
plunges me to my depths.

perhaps something like this would work, but it is up to you.

In the resounding silence
of the darkest hours;
Plunging to the depths
of an unconscious chasm

[Guest_Toumai_*]

Hi Nina,

Thanks so much for coming back. This is one of those situations where, as a relative beginner, I feel rather lost; such little changes can make so much difference.

But I suppose this has to be my poem in the end and, having thought thru that 'plunging' line, I would have trouble reading it with a straight face now - although I am tempted to reinstate it for some added impetus if it goes elsewhere.

With best wishes,  
Fran