A Rhyme For Mamma, Dactylic tetrametre Options

[Thoth]

Pretty girl, Pretty girl, off to the town!
young student of fashion with shoes and new gown.
Be back before Easter or Christmas for sure,
to Mamma's home cooking and presents galore.

Pretty girl, Pretty girl, are you still fine?
attending your upper-crust school of design.
Papa is ploughing, your brother has grown.
and Mamma is waiting each day by the phone.

Pretty girl, Pretty girl, please won't you write
we missed you last Christmas, and miss you each night.
Your bedroom is dusted, new curtains I've sewn
it's already spring and the meadow is mown.

Pretty girl, Pretty girl, where are you now?
A job in the city your classmates avow.
There's snow on the mountain, dry hay in the barn
The harvest is gathered; it's cold on the farm.

Pretty girl, pretty girl, God only knows
where you have got to I cannot suppose.
Your papa is poorly with worry and shame;
he says it's his fault although no-one's to blame.

Pretty girl, Pretty girl, living or dead?
I miss you my darling, ill in my bed.
Your brother's out searching the streets and the bars
and Papa's at rest now, beneath the bright stars.

The elegant woman who knocks on the door
resembles a girl who once lived here before.
"You should have come sooner” she thinks in her gloom
and tentatively enters the tumbledown room.

Pretty girl, Pretty girl, where have you been,
lost are the summers that came in between?
The farm is in ruins now with graves overgrown;
and mamma no-longer awaits by the phone.

Edit #1 "prestigious" replaced by "upper-crust" (thanks Daniel)

© WW Schwim 13 August 2011

[Psyche]

Dear Wally,

Great to have you back in the fold, first of all...

And OMG, your poem has me almost in tears. It's old-fashioned style, with simple rhyme, as you point out, but it really touches the heart, pulls all those strings of sadness, longing... and then silence, death.

It could be a song, a ballad. Do you sing or compose music? Somebody should do it for you, if you're not a musician. I'd love to hear this sung as a ballad.

I just dropped in after a long absence. Lucky me, caught you right away.

Love, Syl***

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Wally, Welcome back with a winner! As Sylvia says it is sad and breath taking and lots of reminders in it to let the reader become one with it.
I am glad to see you back also, I have missed your writing.

Take Care
Steve

[Thoth]

Dear Syl and Steve
Thank you both for reading and the comments.

Syl, I write a few lyrics but cannot sing a note. This piece is a little long as is and perhaps too syncopated for singing but I'm glad the story hit home. Sorry it made you cry.

The above scenario is far more common than we imagine, young naive country girls seeking fortune in the city are easy targets for the criminal element. Although structured like a nursery rhyme, it carries a serious lesson.

Hugz

Wally

[Alan]

Dear Wally,

Superb and sad tale very well told.

Did you want crits on this ?

Love
Alan

[Thoth]

Dear Alan

thanks for reading.

You know me, if have something to offer I am always pleased to hear it.

Cheers,

Wally

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Wally...

actually, this one would sing VERY well. Syncopation makes it all the better, actually.

As to that old nemesis, Grammar, this one is missing an abundance of semi-colons, periods and commas. If you need me to show you exactly where, I'd be glad to oblige. Granted, perhaps it's not such a biggie in poetry... but it still counts, methinks.

A couple of other notes:

'prestigious' does not fit your metrical pattern... unless you pronounce it with an accent on the first syllable where you live ?

"is poorly" is a strange description that uses an adverb where an adjective ought to be; is it a vernacular saying in your neck of the woods?

sLightly in the dark, Daniel

[Thoth]

Good to see you Daniel.

Help with grammar is always welcome my friend. Thank you. The prestigious glitch in the metre is under review.

"poorly" is a common term from UK and Scotland meaning sickly.

Go well


Wally

[Maggie]

Pretty girl, Pretty girl, off to the town!
young student of fashion with shoes and new gown.
Be back before Easter or Christmas for sure,
to Mamma's home cooking and presents galore.

Pretty girl, Pretty girl, are you still fine?
attending your prestigious school of design.
Papa is ploughing, your brother has grown.
and Mamma is waiting each day by the phone.

Pretty girl, Pretty girl, please won't you write
we missed you last Christmas, and miss you each night.
Your bedroom is dusted, new curtains I've sewn
it's already spring and the meadow is mown.

Pretty girl, Pretty girl, where are you now?
A job in the city your classmates avow.
There's snow on the mountain, dry hay in the barn
The harvest is gathered; it's cold on the farm.

Pretty girl, pretty girl, God only knows
where you have got to I cannot suppose.
Your papa is poorly with worry and shame;
he says it's his fault although no-one's to blame.

Pretty girl, Pretty girl, living or dead?
I miss you my darling, ill in my bed.
Your brother's out searching the streets and the bars
and Papa's at rest now, beneath the bright stars.

The elegant woman who knocks on the door
resembles a girl who once lived here before.
"You should have come sooner” she thinks in her gloom
and tentatively enters the tumbledown room.

Pretty girl, Pretty girl, where have you been,
lost are the summers that came in between?
The farm is in ruins now with graves overgrown;
and mamma no-longer awaits by the phone.



© WW Schwim 13 August 2011

Hi again Wally,

A piece de resistance in my opinion. It is so tragic, sad, and very universal! One question: Do "between" and "been" really rhyme in South Africa?

Peggy

[Eisa]

Hi Wally

It's so good to see you back here. I've been away for a while myself, but it's warmed my heart to see you and Peggy here.

I love this poem/song - such a touching tale, that held me from beginning to end.

Thinking on Peggy's comment 'been'and 'between' rhyme for me.

Snow

[Maggie]

Hi Wally and Snow,

I've figured out the rhyme!!!! In America we pronounce "been" the say way you pronounce a garbage or trash "bin." I believe you pronounce "been" just like we'd pronounce green "bean."

Peggy

[AMETHYST]

Hi Wally,

This is strong and vital. There is a sense of life movement in between the lines. A sense of drama reaches out and draws the reader into the story heart first. Each stanza stands on its own, with a full visualization, and yet, the scenes can fit anyone, anywhere.

In the final stanza, last line I felt a very small tumble with the use of 'awaits'
perhaps just "and mamma no-longer waits by the phone."

Very power piece - indeed.

Big Hugs, Liz

(PS Good to see you here. I have been away awhile)

[Thoth]

Hi Peggy

Wonderful to see you back! And thanks for reading. Glad the rhyme for you was resolved.

Good to see you Snow,

Thank you for popping in and your kind words.

Dear Liz,

I am delighted the poem worked you and thank you for those kind words.

It is written in a Dactylic foot with leading stress variation but still need much polishing.


Huggz

Wally

[jgdittier]

Dear Wally,
Despite the passage of years away from these boards on reading "A Rhyme for Mamma", I must comment.
I'm not alone I see in finding many elements of classical poetry in this piece. I'm not alone either in sensing to effort you put into it, or its epic quality. ...such passage of so much time in so few words and its capacity to reach the reader's emotions.From the newly dusted and curtained bedroom full of hope to the dashed hope of its "tumbledown" condition!
There's so much to like; but as for me, I hear the music as I read it with inflection, and to me it's as melodic as an aria from "La Boheme".
Many folks cry at the ending of a tragic opera, don't they. So did some of your commenters!!!
The cheeriest of cheers! jgdittier

[Thoth]

Hello Ron.

What an honour and pleasure it is to receive a visit from you after such a long absence!
Thank you for those warming words, I too am less frequent at the boards and only sporadically put pen to paper these days. It is encouraging that this simple poem reached the hearts of my readers exactly as intended.

Go well my friend,

Wally

[JustDaniel]

Again I have visited, tears on my cheeks;
I had to drop in for another few peeks.


deLighting in the minor revision, Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Wally,

So GOOD to read your work again. Yay!

What a very smooth, rhymic and emotionally charged poem. I just wanted to say that I enjoyed the simple melody and the passing of time. At first glance, I feel there should be one more stanza at the end, but I'll have to think on that a bit more since the last image is of mama no longer waiting by the phone and of papa ill (or has he passed?).

I'll check back in again.
HUGZ
~Cleo

[Thoth]

Hello Cleo

Wonderful to have have you popping in too!!! That's a special surprise!

Thanks for reading and your appreciated comments.

Pappa already passed on in S6. The tumble down homestead with overgrown graves imply the farm is deserted and Mamma also dead an buried by the time here daughter comes home.

The message: Time and lives cannot be purchased with riches and the tragedy when greed substitutes wealth for love.

I don't know how to conclude any better than that. If you have any suggestions, I would be glad if you could share them.

Hugz,

Wal