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Laugh Lines (Revised, with thanks), Sonnet |
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Mar 6 12, 01:02
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 240
Joined: 23-November 07
From: Lake Erie North Shore
Member No.: 482
Real Name: Frances Kennedy
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eric Linden
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Thank you for the crits, I've adjusted happily accordingly. However consider a man who, if chastened, hastens to recall... F
Laugh Lines
If years from now you hasten to recall my witticisms in another light, inflections, buoyant once, are apt to fall, deflecting into peevishness despite how we are now. (Though I’ve said this before in other arms, interpretations blurred.) When we no longer linger I’ll ignore you passing; it’s both best and most preferred. But always you will be to me, as now, endearingly disarmed, without a name. Should memories of this conspire somehow to recollect me harshly, you’re to blame: the heft and cleave of me without the laughter was all it meant, and all that you were after.
MFK Buckley
Laugh Lines
If years from now you hasten to recall my witticisms in another light inflections, buoyant once, are apt to fall deflecting into peevishness despite how we are now. (But I’ve said this before in other arms, interpretations blurred.) When you no longer linger I’ll ignore your leaving; given that, don’t be disturbed. You’ll always be to me as you are now – endearingly disarmed, without a name. Should memories of this conspire somehow to recollect me harshly, you’re to blame: the heft and cleave of me without the laughter was all it meant, and all that you were after.
MFK Buckley
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Mar 6 12, 09:28
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 369
Joined: 10-May 11
From: Outskirts of Sonoran Desert
Member No.: 4,480
Real Name: JerryK
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
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Hi Fran; it's nice to meet you, and I'm delighted to read your interesting sonnet in the Shakespearean form. I noticed that you rhymed "blurred" with "disturbed" which appear to be near-rhymes? Also, the couplet contains 11 syllables per line, "after" and "laughter" ending on a weak beat. Intentionally? I still struggle with the sonnet forms and wonder whether or not some irregularities in contemporary sonnets are acceptable? Best regards, Jerry PS: Oh, boy! I have to read more carefully; of course yours is of the Spenserian rhyme scheme (ababbcbc cdcdee.) Sorry.
QUOTE (MFK Buckley @ Mar 5 12, 23:02 ) Laugh Lines
If years from now you hasten to recall my witticisms in another light inflections, buoyant once, are apt to fall deflecting into peevishness despite how we are now. (But I’ve said this before in other arms, interpretations blurred.) When you no longer linger I’ll ignore your leaving; given that, don’t be disturbed. You’ll always be to me as you are now – endearingly disarmed, without a name. Should memories of this conspire somehow to recollect me harshly, you’re to blame: the heft and cleave of me without the laughter was all it meant, and all that you were after.
MFK Buckley
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Mar 6 12, 11:19
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,332
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hi Fran,
Nice Spencerian Stanza as usual (and expected). You didn't note any asterisks so I'm not sure if you wanted crits. Enjoyed the double entendre'd title which I'm sure was intended.
I do have a few suggestions which you may TOT.
L1: "hasten to recall" gives the implication of someone wanting to get past a certain mental point whereas if you were to use "labor" instead, it might denote the difficulty in remembering instead of the hurriedness to do so.
L2: semicolon after "light" - it now reads as though "light" is a descriptive adjective for "inflections" instead of inflections being a descriptor of witticisms.
L6 & L8 rhyme endings: I agree with Jerry in that they are near-rhymes and detract from the otherwise perfect rhyme patterns in the rest of your stanza. Perhaps you might consider changing "disturbed" to "deterred". It is a much better rhyme and would reiterate "no longer linger" and "leaving".
Like I say, take or toss. Much enjoyed.
Larry
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Mar 10 12, 10:06
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter
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Oh my goodness, it's my Franny!!! How have you been? I haven't seen you around in so long and it is always such a blessing to read your poetry. Your poetry along with Mary and some others helped me learn the little I know now, and I am forever grateful. Anyway ... I hope this finds you doing your best both health, and every other aspect life has to offer... Great title on so many levels. The meat of the poem is forceful and I love the confessional tone, as you so often imploy in your work. I would second the suggestion by Larry for 'labor' over hasten, it gives that 'just right' feel that reflects a struggle to recall the early memories of life, of a relationship ... I especially loved and felt a camaraderie with the meaning of the final 4 lines. Another swift and skillfully crafted poem that touched me as no other can! Biggest Hugs, Liz ... QUOTE Laugh Lines
If years from now you hasten to recall my witticisms in another light inflections, buoyant once, are apt to fall deflecting into peevishness despite how we are now. (But I’ve said this before in other arms, interpretations blurred.) When you no longer linger I’ll ignore your leaving; given that, don’t be disturbed. You’ll always be to me as you are now – endearingly disarmed, without a name. Should memories of this conspire somehow to recollect me harshly, you’re to blame: the heft and cleave of me without the laughter was all it meant, and all that you were after.
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Mar 17 12, 00:00
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 240
Joined: 23-November 07
From: Lake Erie North Shore
Member No.: 482
Real Name: Frances Kennedy
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eric Linden
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Well Liz! Darling Girl, how lovely to meet again and how are you? It has been so long it's hard to think about it. Thank you for asking, I am well and all is well. I have far less time than previously to commit to the rigours of critique and thus this is my first foray into this section. I tend to hover over in Challenges just to keep my hand in.
I just dusted off this old thing but very much appreciate both the pleasure of the work as well as nips and tucks thanks to this poet community. Currently my work is entirely Spenserian stanzas... I prefer the constraints of the form.
I'm delighted to know you're in residence here! I look forward to the pleasure of reading you! Hugs right back, Franny
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Mar 29 12, 21:08
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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Hello Fran, and it is delightful to see your name on the screen once again. What times we had in cyberspace (along with Sue) and the volleys we did. Twas grand.
I've all but given up the critique thing, and what with moving and other adventures, haven't done much with the pen for a considerable while. Also, I've moved into the other camp while still remaining here, and that (FV) has been both learning experience and a new way of looking at the written word.
Wonderful to see you're still with Spenser. I've discovered a few more poets who have used the form during my search for what is FV. There might be a mite of a nudge for me to try some myself.
All's well on the western front. I've left city life for a rural (tiny town) setting, which is my project to fix up and see what happens. You see, more motivation to get the Spens out!
There tis,
Merlin
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Mar 30 12, 21:57
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 240
Joined: 23-November 07
From: Lake Erie North Shore
Member No.: 482
Real Name: Frances Kennedy
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Eric Linden
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Tis you Merlin! Hello wise wizard, how grand to hear from you! It's been so long but volumes of volleys are a testament to good times! I was delighted to learn of your migration to rural life! I've been in my tiny fishing village for a decade now and in this, my sixteenth house, Divine Madness is where I found home. I wish the same for you. Like you, my appetite for serious critique has waned however I have been a regular in the monthly and weekly challenges here. Do visit, it's good exercise and I'd love to see you. The Spenser stanza form continues to intrigue and challenge me. I'll be on the lookout for Sue.
Nothing like spinning a few Spens among friends! Fran
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Apr 4 12, 16:48
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Group: Platinum Member
Posts: 1,802
Joined: 24-April 04
From: Connecticut
Member No.: 58
Real Name: Ron Jones
Writer of: Poetry
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Dear Fran, I've never been good at critiquing or for that matter interpriting goog poetry and those skills have receeded even more over these few years of widowerhood. However, I still believe i often get the gist of good stuff even if I miss the subtlities. Knowing the past I truly hope the volleys will return and we might even be blessed with Sue. I'll not write unless my muses return, but I'll read and I'll enjoy! Cheers, jgdittier
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Apr 9 12, 11:40
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 18,457
Joined: 2-August 03
From: Southwest New Jersey, USA
Member No.: 6
Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr.
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Greetings, Fran. Great to see you in this forum, and I do think your modifications have improved an already fine piece. I've not had much desire to participate in critique myself for some time, and I've not had much time even for the challenges of late either, though I hope soon to return. This is another example of your clear grasp of the Spencerian Form. You have so much to teach us in this. It's almost eerie (no pun intended!) that this passage simply jumped out at me in this excellent, thoughtful grappling-with-aging piece: When we no longer linger I’ll ignore you passing; it’s both best and most preferred. But always you will be to me, as now, endearingly disarmed, without a name.Since my writing almost never has had a visible visit from your pen (I suppose because I'd not been around in the past to volley with you and Sue and Ron and Eric in this milieu -- though I have with volleyed with them often in times past), you may have never gotten to know me. But I've admired your writing from the distance you've kept, and I've even been kind of jealous not to be able to interact with your skills. I hope one day you'll not simply ignore my passing here. ... and by the way, I think your pronoun ought to be possessive ['you r passing'], since 'passing' is a gerund which normally is modified by a possessive noun or pronoun. deLighting in your contributions as I have the opportunity to read them, Daniel
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