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Posted by: danimik Oct 31 15, 17:13

Rev1

Moses

They ask Moses for proof:

Imagine a man of height, barrel chested
and a three mile stare - as seen on film
if needs be, but Moses, lacking direction,
has less of the insane behind his eyes.
Hint of rickets in his stance
and twin walking sticks as tall as the man.
I like his smile, that rare flash of humour.

He gives them fragments of rocks
ripped from the roots of the mountain
as he stumbles upslope across the scree.

He stands at the ridge, a foot to either side
of the summit, shouts to the passing cloud,
'I am not Moses!'
God adds, 'Any more!'
I like the voice, love the voice even
but not enough for faith.

Finally God shrugs; we can hear it
as the mountain shudders and that voice again
'I need another hero!'
Moses/not Moses feigns deafness, walks down hill,
rejoins the children of the desert,
surrounded by applause.

For myself, I have the remnant of a voice
to which I cling. Not faith perhaps
but hope certainly. Not bad for new beginnings.


original
Moses

They ask Moses for proof:

Imagine a man of height, barrel chested
and a three mile stare - Charlton Heston
if needs be, but Moses has less of the insane
behind his eyes. Hint of rickets in his stance
and twin walking sticks as tall as the man.
I like his smile, that rare flash of humour.

He gives them fragments of rocks
ripped from the roots of the mountain
as he stumbles upslope across the scree.

He stands at the ridge, a foot to either side
of the summit, shouts to the passing cloud,
'I am not Moses!' God adds, 'Any more!'
I like the voice, love the voice even
but not enough for faith.

Finally God shrugs; we can hear it
as the mountain shudders and that voice again
'I need another hero!'
Moses/not Moses feigns deafness, walks down hill,
rejoins the children of the desert,
surrounded by applause.

For myself, I have the remnant of a voice
to which I cling. Not faith perhaps
but hope certainly. Not bad for new beginnings.

Posted by: Eisa Oct 31 15, 17:38

Hi Mike,

It's great to see a poem from you. You are one of the poets I would really miss reading again, so I'm glad you found your way here.

They ask Moses for proof:

Imagine a man of height, barrel chested
and a three mile stare - Charlton Heston
if needs be, but Moses has less of the insane
behind his eyes. Hint of rickets in his stance
and twin walking sticks as tall as the man.
I like his smile, that rare flash of humour.

I really love this description - it's detail makes me see him standing there

He gives them fragments of rocks
ripped from the roots of the mountain
as he stumbles upslope across the scree.

Nice description

He stands at the ridge, a foot to either side
of the summit, shouts to the passing cloud,
'I am not Moses!' God adds, 'Any more!'
I like the voice, love the voice even
but not enough for faith.

I had to read this a few times to 'get' that it was God saying 'any more' It's me, I'm sure - feeling tired.

Finally God shrugs; we can hear it
as the mountain shudders and that voice again
'I need another hero!'
Moses/not Moses feigns deafness, walks down hill,
rejoins the children of the desert,
surrounded by applause.

Not sure you need the '/not Moses'

Now my computer says there should be a hyphen in re-joins. Really! Not sure about that!

For myself, I have the remnant of a voice
to which I cling. Not faith perhaps
but hope certainly. Not bad for new beginnings.

Very Nice ending, very satisfactory!

Great to see you here

Eira

Posted by: posthumous Oct 31 15, 21:54

The "I" in the poem is hard to place. Seems more a moviegoer than an actual witness. Sounds like a criticism but that might actually be the whole point, or at least the poetry. A strange, almost funny, cynical retelling of a Biblical tale.

Posted by: Psyche Nov 2 15, 00:15

Hi danimik, and welcome to MM!
Your poem gives me food for thought. I'll have to return, as I feel pretty dim at 2 a.m.
Just a few comments:

QUOTE (danimik @ Oct 31 15, 20:13 )

Posted by: Heather Nov 2 15, 02:36

Mike,
I enjoyed the tone, almost a running commentary. I got quite confused with these lines:
...shouts at a passing cloud,
'I am not Moses!' God adds, 'Anymore!'

I didn't read that as separate speech until I read other comments. Understanding this line is key, and I was much happier once it became clear. The way it's set up on the same line is misdirecting a bit.
This brought me to pause with:
...that voice again

When followed up with:
I have the remnant of a voice\to which I cling


Because although it seems to reference the voice of God there's enough play here for it to be Moses...or Charleton Heston! And I like that there's that tiny space to twist about in...
What I don't like is 'to which I cling' (without going into the linguistics behind it)- I don't think it follows the tone you've established throughout. I think a simple 'I cling to' would work... Or even a 'which I cling to'....just my opinion...
Hope this helps,
Heather

Posted by: RC James Nov 3 15, 11:28

danmik - Glad to see you made it to the refugee camp. This seems an appropriate piece for the situation. Your dscription of Moses/not Moses is bang on, ringingtrue. Heston, stand aside. And the sliver of hope straining against faith is compelling. Well done, as always, RC

Posted by: Adhamh MacAodh Nov 8 15, 01:04

Mike,

good to see you here. Hopefully we can find our own exodus here and even if it's a wandering through the desert, at least we'll be together.

As for the poem, I think the vast majority of it is brilliant. My only nit (and feel free to disregard it) is the allusion to Charlton Heston. It feels cheap, gimmicky. At the least it takes me out of the poem. The rest of the poem is mystical with a hint of humor (or humour) and works wonderfully. I don't you need the Heston bit. But again, that could just be me.

Enjoyed as always.

-A-

Posted by: danimik Nov 12 15, 18:52

Hi Guys and Gals

First off a big thanks for the welcome. Second off a big thanks for the comments.

I had a line - they asked Moses for proof - and everything else spins off from there, though the original span in another direction
which changed substantially as I typed the piece up. This is not my normal method of working - I work from inspiration straight into these little windows using the keyboard to slow my thoughts down enough to lend a structure and a sense to the piece. Thus, a substantial amendment occurred which I liked, though I struggled for the longest time about the Charlton Heston section as I was aware that the image is clichéd in my head, and probably/possibly the minds of others.

Hi Eira - and you are not alone in wanting me to distinguish more clearly the voice of God from the voice of Moses. I'm thinking that moving that section of the line to the next line would allow that space to develop in the reader's mind. For me, poetry exists in the detail, the specificity where appropriate, so your comments about descriptions working are most welcome. Thanks.

Hi Posthumous - and me, cynical about Bible Stories. (Why is it so hard to do 'sardonic' in print?) Moses is one of the stranger heroes in the Bible, I'm thinking - control freak, visionary. I can' break free from the thought that he'd have been another James Warren Jones if he'd been born 20th century. The Heston reference seems to have intruded more than I wanted. Thanks

HI Psyche - I have, like other poets, a very individual understanding of poetry, purpose or value or design. For me, there should always be space within the poem for the reader to intrude, to develop their own set of meanings. Thus, your comment about 'always going beyond the poet's intentions' is an absolute delight and pleasure as I want my readers to do just that, to find their own meanings and purpose. Thanks for the read and the comment.

Hi Heather - you aren't alone in not picking up the voice of God as distinct from Moses. This definitely needs addressing. As to the grammar - sorry but it has been beaten into me from a very early age and for the rest of my life that I mustn't end a sentence with a participle, and 'to which I cling' it just has to be. As to spaces in poems - please read my comment to Psyche... Thanks, it has been a big help as I have come to expect of your comments.

Hi Richard - I guess we've indulged in our own exodus have we not and that was certainly in there somewhere when I sat down to write. People we miss that we can't bring with us -always a sadness, yet such a vital part of the process. So yes, it's hope and faith and freewill constrained. Thanks.

Hi Adhamh - pleased you made it. Your work has been so strong over recent months, it has been hugely inspirational. I had second thoughts and third thoughts about the image of Heston as it is such a strong image in my head that I worried about it dominating and bring a different reality to the piece. I will have to think about this again and again until I resolve it, I'm thinking. Thanks.

Mike

Posted by: danimik Nov 15 15, 17:46

Okay - posted a revision. The Heston image is revised and I hope I've clarified the issues about whose voice is talking.

M

Posted by: Eisa Nov 15 15, 18:20

QUOTE (danimik @ Nov 15 15, 22:46 )