Moments of Time, For my Grandchildren ** Options

[Thoth]

Version 2 6 Feb 2014 (Thanks Lori)

The weeks, the months, the fleeting years
all filled with wonder, joys and fears.
I've squandered many, (sad but true)
that’s not the path I’d wish for you.

A gift from God; each gilded day
for us to use in work or play.
The hours past are not returned
yet leave their lessons to be learned.

One precious minute paints your sky,
stays sixty seconds then shall fly
so mark each special second well;
they tick your life yet never dwell.



Original

The weeks, the months, the fleeting years
all filled with hopes and joys and fears.
I've squandered much (it's sad but true),
that’s not the path I’d wish for you.

A gift from God; each gilded day
for us to use in work or play.
The passing hour won't return
yet leaves a lesson to be learned.

One fleeting minute paints your sky,
stays sixty seconds then shall fly
so mark each special second well;
it checks your life yet will not dwell.


"unique" replaced by "special" (thanks Syl)

[Larry]

Hi Wally,

Nice to see you back and posting. It's been a bit lonely around here of late.

This is, as you state, a poem for your grandchildren and so I found it appropriate that you utilized a rhyme
scheme with which children are familiar. It is a nice lesson in the value of time and a reminder to all of us
that we have only so many allotted year and should make the most of what God has given.

I have only one small nit and it has to do with metrical flow. S2/L3 - "hour" is monosyllabic and leaves that line
half a foot short. Perhaps losing the contraction and using "will not" can alleviate that bump.

Welcome back,
Larry

[Thoth]

Hello Larry
I was hibernating - not dead

Thanks for reading and picking up that nit.
It's one I always tussle with since although technically "hour" is only one syllable, it is commonly voiced with a lightly accented r (ow-r) rather than (ow) . So it could also be two syllables.

To me, "The passing hour will not return" sounds slightly chunky unless a pause is inserted after hour

I dunno????

Cheers,

Wal

[Psyche]

Ive not been hibernating, but I'm half dead all the same

Been moving house, from one province to another. From sprawling city to mountains and lakes. Etc. With very little help. During previous moves I don't remember feeling so emotionally charged. Took me ages! Would like to chat about that topic, but not now.

OK, I came here before, but I'm back to say that I think it's a great poem for children, and adults as well. A good one for checking out whether one said such wise things to the kids...It leaves me wishful, thoughtful. About how our kids inevitably stumble. lose time, follow the wrong signposts, etc.

Lovely piece, Wally! I understand the 'hour' issue. I was raised to pronnounce it 'au-er', something like that! Maybe somewhere, if you look hard enough, you'll find some sort of justification.... In my country, end rhymes can give you a + 1/2 syll, if the word is short and strongly emphasized on last syll. So one has to fit another 1/2 syll or poetic/grammatical figure to get it perfect.

So my tiny nit is in S4L3, with the word unique. Perhaps if you show me how you pronounce unique, and where the emphasis in words and line goes, then I'd appreciate it better. At the moment I stumble with the meter there, being no expert, as you know.

The rest is fine. I'm so glad I dropped in again and found this gem!

Peace, Syl ***

[Maureen]

I love it Wally and confess that the 'hour' line works well for me - technically no doubt hour is one syllable but said with an Australian accents it equates to two - o-wer, so I would be thinking it would not be marked down because of that over here anyway.

It is a lovely poem to offer to your Grandies - words of wisdom from their Gramps. So pleased you are not 'dead'

Cheers

Maureen

[Thoth]

Hello Syl and Mau

Thank you both for popping in with interesting comments:thanks:
I'm going to change "unique" because it does sound incorrectly stressed besides it is also a bit too high for kids.

Thank you for the useful input.




Wal

[Larry]

Hi Wally,

I like the change because, as you say, some words are a bit hard for children to understand. As far as "hour"
goes, down here in the deep south, there are some folks who actually break that word down to three syllables:
"ow-er-uh". Most of them are preaching in the pulpit when they do so.

Nice life lesson for the kids!

Larry

[Eisa]

Hi Wally

How great to see you posting this thought provoking poem It's definitely a good one for children & adult too.

I like the change from unique to special. As to the 'hour' problem, I tend to use the syllables according to the meter I need

It's good to read you tonight.

Snow

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Wally,

What a lovely poem and tribute! I enjoy poems that have a deeper meaning and this one does for me. Hooray!

Here are some initial thoughts I have after reading it, first time. Please T or T as you wish.

The weeks, the months, the fleeting years --> I do enjoy the repetition of 'the' in this opening line and it reads smoothy, however, would you consider only using one of them? Maybe replace one of them with the word 'long' or 'short' or something else along those lines - something to animate/draw movement to those months and weeks (since you've used 'fleeting' to represent years) ?
all filled with hopes and joys and fears. --> There is something about the word 'wonder' when I think of children that makes me smile. Would you consider ditching one of the 'and's and replacing 'joy' with wonder - for metrical cadence, perhaps: all filled with wonder, hopes and fears - whatcha think?
I've squandered much (it's sad but true), --> Perhaps change to semi-colon
that’s not the path I’d wish for you.

A gift from God; each gilded day
for us to use enjoyed (or adored) in work or play.
The passing hour won't return --> When I read this aloud it feels abrupt with the word "won't". I too pronounce 'hour' as 2 beats (and would pluralize it), however, I feel "will not" has a softer sound and would not mess the meter up when read aloud. What do you think Wally? The passing hours will not return
yet leaves a lesson to be learned.

One fleeting minute paints your sky, --> Since you've already used 'fleeting', how about 'transient'?
stays sixty seconds then shall fly
so mark each special second well;
it checks your life yet will not dwell. --> Not sure 'checks' is what your meaning is about?

I enjoyed the read.
Cheers,
~Cleo

[Thoth]

Thanks Lori

Always good to get another's thoughts and angles on a piece,that's what what makes work-shopping a poem on MM so rewarding. Not only are bugs fixed but with some subtle changes one can sometimes end up with a piece that sits entirely differently on the palette or perhaps appeals to a wider readership.

I made some slight changes so would appreciate any further comment.

Hugz


Wally

[Thoth]

Hello Snow

Good to see you here too

Thank you for dropping in to read.

Hugz

Wal

[Cleo_Serapis]

YAY Wally!

I especially like these two changes most of all:
The hours past are not returned
and
One precious minute paints your sky,

Well done!
~Cleo

[Alan]

Dear Wally,

Certainly like the updated version, except I have one (rather philosophical) tiny point : Not "work or play", but work AND play !

Love
Alan

PS I ain't dead either, just my muse.