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> On The Wire, Old Poem Needing Fleshing Out
AMETHYST
post Sep 9 10, 23:42
Post #1


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Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



This was written in response to Guardian Poetry Workshop -Aiden On the wire is a tribute to the telephone wires that go from pole to pole -


********Third Revision ******** Thank you Snow *********

On the Wire

A threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
easily dismissed
until swayed by God's breath.

It endures

Families unite.

closing miles
into a hair's-breadth -

connecting conversations,
that create friends from strangers.

It's privy
to our private whispers,
entrusted
with dirty confessions;
dark and sate
with passion -

sacred truths, unholy lies.

our chatter breeds
loneliness, funneling energy
of an over extended perseity-

a conducer of our lives --
we hunger
for consolation;
it brings solace with a single ring.

Yet, it's the birds, perched
along thin fibers, that contemplate
the telephone wire.

Sparrows rest, blue jays sing,
and an ebon crow calls, Tek Tek
inviting human-kind, to pay homage
to its silent prominence.







******** Second Revision *****Thank You Snow******************

On the Wire

A threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
is easily dismissed
until God's breath sways it.

It endures

families united,
closing miles into a hair's-breadth -
connecting conversations,
that create friends from strangers.

It's privy to private whispers,
entrusted with dirty confessions;
dark and sate with passion -
sacred truths, unholy lies.

Listening to chatter
breeds loneliness,
funneling energy
of an over extended perseity-

a conducer of their lives --
they hunger
for consolation; it brings solace
with a single ring.

Yet, it's the birds, perched
along thin fibers, that contemplate
the telephone wire.

Sparrows rest, blue jays sing,
and an ebon crow calls, Tek Tek
inviting human-kind, to pay homage
to its silent prominence.





********FIRST REVISION*****************only Temp. revisions open to all thoughts****


On the Wire

it appears a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
it's existence is easily dismissed
until God's breath sways it.

It endures

Uniting family, closing miles
into a hair's-breadth -
connecting conversations,
that create friends from strangers.

It's privy to private conversations,
entrusted with dirty confessions; dark
and sate with passion -
sacred truths and unholy lies.

Listening to chatter breeds loneliness,
lost in all their apathy--
they hunger for consolation;
it bring solace with a single ring.

a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives --

and yet, it is the birds, perched
along thin fibers that contemplate
the telephone wire.
As sparrows rest and blue jays sing,

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to its silent prominence.






On the Wire

I appear a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
unnoticed,
if not for the winds
that sway me.

Society confabulates
a chaotic void
through my cylindrical sphere;
easily dismissing
my existence,
until God's breath
breaks me.

Steadfast, I endure,
second by second, uniting
family to distant family,
closing the miles
into a hair's-breadth,
connecting conversations,
creating friends from strangers.

I'm privy to their private notions,
entrusted to carry off
dirty confessions;
dark and sate of passion, sacred
truths and unholy lies.

It is lonely listening to chatter,
in all their apathy--they hunger
for consolation; I bring solace
in a single ring.

I am a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives --

and yet, it is the birds, perched
along my fibers that contemplate me.
As sparrows rest and blue jays sing,

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to my silent prominence.


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Alan
post Sep 10 10, 01:47
Post #2


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Real Name: Alan McAlpine Douglas
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Referred By:Lori/Eisa/loads of old friends



Dear Liz,

I am not the best reader of others' verse, so ignore if I displease you.

I think the idea brilliant. However, I completely failed to get a rhythm going while reading this, so would recommend completely recasting the words into a new "version". I think I would also recommend tightening it up.

I hate having to be so negative, but I know you to be a very experienced poet, and think you will track with what I have said, even if you dieagree !

Love
Alan


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AMETHYST
post Sep 10 10, 05:32
Post #3


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Referred By:Lori Kanter



Hi Alan,

So good to hear from you!! Missed you much!! You never displease and believe me, this has been pulling at me in different directions. I get what you say and fully agree. There is a lot that I like here, however, I think there is 'too much' overstretch in words that make the reader work too hard. A poem should read with pleasure, with ease and feel complete at end, instead of leaving the reader (myself at this point too) with a what the heck did I just read feeling.

This was written as a quick response (though I never submitted it for just this reason) to the workshop at Guardian, however I think it has a great premise to be something worth reading with some revision.

Thank you for confirming that feeling - and believe me, if we were only looking for positive comments, then posting it in a critique forum would definitely not be the place! HAHA ... If you have other thoughts to follow or something strikes you as a consideration, please feel free to stop in again and let me know.

Hugs, Liz


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Eisa
post Sep 10 10, 16:49
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Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Liz

I remember this one and feeling very impressed by it. I think the revision has simplified it, but possibly needs a bit more trimming. Here are some thoughts to take or toss ( I might even see this differently tomorrow)



On the Wire

[it appears] a threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
[it's existence] is easily dismissed
until God's breath sways it.

A threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
is easily dismissed
until God's breath sways it.

I have trimmed this quite severely & am not sure whether this will suit



It endures

I like the way this line stands alone

Uniting family, closing miles
into a hair's-breadth -
connecting conversations,
that create friends from strangers.


Closing miles into a hair's-breadth
families are united in conversations,
friends are created from strangers.


It's privy to private conversations,
entrusted with dirty confessions; dark
and sate with passion -
sacred truths and unholy lies.

It's privy to private whispers,
entrusted with dirty confessions;
dark and sate with passion -
sacred truths, unholy lies.


Perhaps because 'converastions' has been mentioned in the previous st. another word could be used eg. whispers/chat/talks

Listening to chatter breeds loneliness,
lost in all their apathy--
they hunger for consolation;
it bring solace with a single ring.

a conduit of universal need,
funneling energy of an over extended perseity-
a conducer of their lives --


I think these 2 stanzas could be combined and trimmed together. I will come back to them another time when I get my head round them

and yet, it is the birds, perched
along thin fibers that contemplate
the telephone wire.
As sparrows rest and blue jays sing,

"Tek, Tek" an ebon crow calls,
inviting human-kind
to pay homage to its silent prominence.

Yet, it is the birds, perched
along thin fibers, that contemplate
the telephone wire.


Sparrows rest, blue jays sing,
and an ebon crow calls, Tek Tek
inviting human-kind, to pay homage
to its silent prominence.

I love the change to the birds at the end, keeping the ending fresh. I feel a little rearranging of lines might help here. I have offerered a suggestion.
I think the crow's call would be better in italics.


Well done, Liz! I feel you are getting back into the swing now. I'll look forward to any changes you make.

Big Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif


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Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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AMETHYST
post Sep 11 10, 00:16
Post #5


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Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



Hey Snow,

Thank you for your strong suggestions. I've already posted the most recent revision and as you can see I used (with much gratitude) most if not all of your suggestions. I trimmed those 2 stanza down as well and connected them. I still feel some further trimming and revising is necessary to find the gem within the poem, but over all I like where it is going. Thank you!

Big Hugs, Liz


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Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Eisa
post Sep 12 10, 08:39
Post #6


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From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Wow Liz! - this is taking shape nicely!

A few more thoughts:-



On the Wire

A threadbare crack
against an ashen sky,
is easily dismissed
until God's breath sways it.

I think the last line here might sound more complete as -

until swayed by God's breath



It endures

families united,
closing miles into a hair's-breadth -
connecting conversations,
that create friends from strangers.

Perhaps bring the first line into present tense

Families unite


It's privy to private whispers,
entrusted with dirty confessions;
dark and sate with passion -
sacred truths, unholy lies.

Listening to chatter
breeds loneliness,
funneling energy
of an over extended perseity-

Perhaps

Listening to others chatter


a conducer of their lives --
they hunger
for consolation; it brings solace
with a single ring.

Yet, it's the birds, perched
along thin fibers, that contemplate
the telephone wire.

Sparrows rest, blue jays sing,
and an ebon crow calls, Tek Tek
inviting human-kind, to pay homage
to its silent prominence.

Just a few further thoughts - take or toss. I'll call back if I think of anything else.

Hugs
Snow


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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AMETHYST
post Sep 13 10, 00:21
Post #7


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



Hey Snow,

Agree with all but one point and will make those changes. Your suggestions certainly improve this so much and I am always open to further thoughts, as always. I think this might be nearing 'ready to add' to that manuscript for the chapbook. And perhaps another will be ready to face the forums...


Big Hugs, and much love, Liz ...


·······IPB·······

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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Eisa
post Sep 13 10, 15:47
Post #8


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Group: Praetorian
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Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Hi Liz

I've just read this again and can see nothing I'd change. I think it might be ready to go!!!!!! So, bring out another - let's get that chap book written!!

Well done Liz!

Hugs
Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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AMETHYST
post Sep 14 10, 13:30
Post #9


Ornate Oracle
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



You got it Snow ... on my way back with another oldie (Goodness I hope my muse starts me writing again real soon) lol



·······IPB·······

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
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