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Posted by: Eisa May 7 15, 14:46

I've dragged this out of the depths of the archives and given it a makeover!
I've also just revised the last stanza to make it less moralistic more humorous/sardonic.

I've chosen Elderberry as there is a lot of folklore connected with the elder tree. The branches signify remorse and flowers sorrow. Elderberries are said to soothe sore nerves. Witches have been connected with the elderberry tree. (and lots more)


The Witch’s Potion

Contempt is sprinkled with a pinch of pique
and slowly added to her odious pot.
She whisks some spite into the mix to wreak
revenge. It bubbles until piping hot.

Enticed, you sniff the effervescent brew
and salivating test a morsel first,
but soon you're hooked on ladles of her stew
and gobble quickly, unaware it's cursed.

Awakening, Chimera's madness surges
through your body, bending as it shakes
with rage. Unleashed, your tongue succumbs to urges
bludgeoning your prey until he quakes.

As anger ebbs away the victim grieves
and burnt with guilt you vow a change of heart.
but impish temptress cackles as she leaves
I'm sure you'll love my elderberry tart.

---------------------------------------------------
St3 was

Awakening, Chimera's madness surges
through your blood and hands begin to shake
with rage. Unleashed, your tongue succumbs to urges
bludgeoning your prey until he aches.

------------------------------------
1st revision of last stanza was:

Remorse comes late to ease your victim's woes.
When anger ebbs away, the crone departs,
mischievously she cackles as she goes
'I'm sure you'll love my elderberry tart.'


-----------------------------------
original last stanza was:
Remorse comes late to ease your victim's woes.
As anger ebbs away, the temptress leaves
her mischief made - but just before she goes
you hear her cackle, What did that achieve?

Posted by: Larry May 12 15, 11:56

Hi Snow,

It is not often we are visited by witches in May. Guess they are around all year long but only brought to the fore
around Halloween.

As far as your poem goes, (seeing as how there are no "crit asterisks") it is nicely done and amusing to read. The
only correction I might suggest is in S4/L3 - "mischievously" gives that line an extra beat (suggest dropping the "ly".
There are other instances through the poem that also have the extra beat but they segue into the next line which is
missing a beat. This is the only instance where there is no commensurate line to make up the difference.

A note about your "Elderberry" usage (FYI):
Elderberries and Health - Clinical trials have supported the use of the elderberry to reduce flu symptoms. In the 1990s,
Israeli researchers put folk use to the test and found that elderberry really does slow the replication of flu viruses, speeding up recovery. The most important benefit of elderberry juice is its ability to prevent and cure illnesses related to the respiratory system like asthma, bronchitis, common cold, sore throat, cough and flu or influenza. It reduces mucus secretions and inflammation of the sinus and mucous membranes, and also helps drain the sinus of mucus, thereby reducing nasal congestion causes due to sinusitis.
It has proved to be extremely effective in the treatment and cure of flu and was also used to treat people suffering from flu during an epidemic in Panama in 1995. Elderberry juice contains sambucus nigra agglutinins that protects healthy cells in the body from being infected by flu. The large amount of vitamins, especially vitamin C, that elderberry juice contains makes it very beneficial in the treatment of ailments caused due to viral and bacterial infections.
Another very important benefit of elderberry juice is its ability to prevent and treat cancer, a fact attributed to the antioxidants that it contains. Elderberry juice contains bioflavonoids that are known to be the most effective antioxidants for the prevention of human cell damage. Elderberry juice boosts the immune system which can be quite helpful in treating diseases like AIDS and cancer.
Elderberry juice is known to lower cholesterol levels and reduce bad cholesterol. This can be highly beneficial in preventing the various heart related disorders. Using elderberry juice for culinary purposes helps improve and maintain a healthy digestive system. The harmful effects of environmental pollution, stress, and unhealthy eating can be prevented and reduced by the daily consumption of elderberry juice.
Elderberry juice concentrate benefits include prevention and cure of diabetes, protection against viral infections, and chest congestion. It has anti-viral, anti-histamine and anti-oxidant properties and its daily consumption can be very beneficial for overall well-being.
Consuming elderberry juice also helps prevent and cure hemorrhoids, constipation, and diarrhea. It also improves heart and kidney health, improves vision, cures yeast infections, and urinary tract infections. Consumption of elderberry juice on a regular basis helps clear complexion of blemishes and dark spots. It can delay the appearance of wrinkles and fine lines and helps reduce acne breakouts.
The best thing which can be said about elderberry juice is that it’s natural, tastes a lot better and is more effective and a lot less expensive than the numerous medicines you would have to take to treat all the above symptoms and diseases.


Larry

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 6 15, 07:08

Hi Snow,

Nice to see you posting and I just wanted to let you know I am reading this and will be back soon! Have you seen Larry's comments yet?

Hugz,
~Cleo

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 10 15, 15:51

Hi Snow,

OK, I am back again - I love this one (I love all your poetry)! I enjoyed the title - for a less obvious one - perhaps just 'Potion' as an alternate?
Here are a few things I observed with regard to the rhythm.


Contempt is sprinkled with a pinch of pique
and slowly added to her odious pot.
She whisks some spite into the mix to wreak
revenge. It bubbles until piping hot.
Above, I feel a slight bump with 'it bubbles until piping hot'. A suggestion I have is perhaps change to: revenge. It bubbles up until its hot.

Enticed, you sniff the effervescent brew <<Perhaps for a slightly different view: Enticed, you're drawn by Effervescent's brew?
and salivating test a morsel first, salivating is a mouthful, lol. What if you changed it to drooling - and drooling test a {scrumptious} morsel first -
but soon you're hooked on ladles of her stew
and gobble quickly, unaware it's cursed.

Awakening, Chimera's madness surges
through your blood and hands begin to shake
with rage. Unleashed, your tongue succumbs to urges
bludgeoning your prey until he aches.
^^LUV THIS!

Remorse comes late to ease your victim's woes.
When anger ebbs away, the crone departs,
mischievously she cackles as she goes
'I'm sure you'll love my elderberry tart.'

SWEET!
Enjoyed the read.
~Cleo

Posted by: JustDaniel Jun 22 15, 15:56

... and Larry and Snow...

just wanted you to know that I ordered a couple varieties of elderberry tree this week. We already have three or four mulberry trees, and the past couple of weeks the turkeys on the property have been FEASTING on them.

Lightly, Daniel

Posted by: anaisa Nov 1 15, 15:43

Hi Snow,

Perfect poem for this time of year! I didn't see anything to critique but a possible
line change if you see fit...it would match up shakes with aches (tiny detail I know)
but that's all I have- Nice to read your work again!

it could be an alternate line:

through your body, bending as it shakes



Awakening, Chimera's madness surges
through your blood and hands begin to shake
with rage. Unleashed, your tongue succumbs to urges
bludgeoning your prey until he aches.

Posted by: RC James Nov 2 15, 12:01

Everyone else is calling you "snow" so me too. This is packed with alliteration and usually that much becomes tiresome and overdone, but this seems to fit, all the way through. The playfulness of the language and the playfulness of the subject match up quite well. I enjoyed it, the rhythms added to the sustainabliity of the subject. RC

Posted by: Psyche Nov 2 15, 23:57

Hi Eira,
Love this rhyming poem and its old-fashioned style, reminds me of Macbeth's witches...LOL...except that they put frogs and snakes into the brew, and much else.
However, I've been reading Larry's info about Elderberries...so I'm off to bed and will return.
Just want to say that I take elderberry juice nearly every day! Delicious. I add tablespoons to my fruit-juices, the ones I prepare in my blender.
Larry, where I live one can also buy elderberry raisins in winter. Soak them in a little water, keep them in the fridge, then use as wanted in the blender. Wash them well first, just in case...
One can also purchase them frozen, but I'm wary of the cold-chain being broken. Better use raisins!
Cheers to all,
Syl***

Posted by: Eisa Nov 3 15, 15:36

Hi Karen,

I'd almost forgotten about this one. I like your suggestion and will change that line. Actually I had made a few slight changes to the last stanza - must update it.

Eira

Posted by: Eisa Nov 3 15, 15:45

QUOTE (RC James @ Nov 2 15, 17:01 )

Posted by: Eisa Nov 3 15, 15:50

That's really interesting, Syl. At the moment I love cranberry juice.

We do have 2 elderberry trees in our garden & one produces lots of berries. However, they are soon eaten by the wood pigeons that come into the garden. They love them in the autumn.

Hugs
Eira