Manual Exchanges Funless, French Kyrielle Options

[ArtesiaMeeks]

REVISED AFTER LIZ'S KIND AND IMPROVING REMARKS

A trip to Roswell clinic site
to train a course with nurses’ byte
who'll teach us to prevent such risk,
we mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

Why did his kidneys fall asleep?
His road to health is long and steep.
He walks, round track, as works that’s brisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

A higher power holds our hands.
He gives us strength. He understands
the pain we feel without life’s frisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

His renal glands are shutting down
but nurse removes his doubt and frown,
new chance for life, a healthy bisque.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

© 2006 Carol Dee Meeks
FRENCH KYRIELLE

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Carol.

Glad to see you posting a new poem!

I'll be back in a day or two (when I've some quality time, a clear mind and a looksie on the params of this form).

Best regards,
Lori

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Carol,

Your title is very fitting. There are just a couple of spots that I don't understand.

A Roswell trip to clinic site
and training course with nurses’ byte Isn't this a computer term? I don't get the connection.
who teaches us, prevent a risk, I haven't figured out if it's the 'nurses' or the 'byte' that's teaching. Wouldn't that make a difference in the tense of 'teach'?
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc. What is 'stay-safe disc'?

Why did his kidneys fall asleep?
His road to health is long and steep.
He works, round track, with walks that’s brisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

A higher power holds our hands.
He gives us strength. He understands
the pain we feel without life’s frisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

His renal glands are shutting down
but nurse removes his doubt and frown.
New chance for life like tennis bisque, Isn't bisque a soup?
we mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

I will reserve further comment until the light comes on. Could you please enlighten this poor dumb soul? lol

Cathy

[ArtesiaMeeks]

Hi Cathy,

My husband is now on kidney dialysis. We have chosen PERITONEAL dialysis--a relatively new dialysis, about fifteen years in performance. It has a total new language and description. It is very time consuming and I think HARD....once we get the training down pat, and three weeks of manual exchanges finished.....he goes on a cycler that filters him at night while he sleeps. We have met a snag in the road.............he has developed a hernia, and the manual exchanges will continue until the hernia heals. He hooks up to a machine, DRAINS out the waste, then FILLS the new solution that DWELLS in his body for 3 l/2 hours. We do this FIVE times a day......extensive cleaning, washing hands, wearing masks, etc. I have started a chapbook with poems about this PERITONEAL style of dialysis, and will have it published. The poems are how I see the dialysis, how it affects my husband, and trying to get material of this kind of dialysis out to the public. ME especially.....when I heard about dialysis, seems like a death threat......but that is not the case.

This dialysis has it own language......we are to learn it for that is the way the doctors and the PD nurses will talk to us. I just wanted to try out this poem to see what reaction I might get.............there will be poems before this one in my book, by the time you read this one, you kinda have an idea about the techinque.

Scroll down for comments about your questions.

Hi Carol,

Your title is very fitting. There are just a couple of spots that I don't understand.

A Roswell trip to clinic site
and training course with nurses’ byte; Isn't this a computer term? I don't get the connection.----IT INDEED IS A COMPUTER TERM BUT ALSO THE PERITONEAL LANGUAGE.
MAYBE
she teaches us, prevent a risk, I haven't figured out if it's the 'nurses' or the 'byte' that's teaching. Wouldn't that make a difference in the tense of 'teach'?
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc. What is 'stay-safe disc'?
A STAY-SAFE-DISC IS A WHEEL TYPE INstrument THAT THE PATIENT HOOKS UP TO THE MACHINE WITH FOR THE DRAIN (take out waste), FOR THE FILL (put in new solution) AND ALLOWS THE DWELL (solution to stay in his body for the 3 l/2 hours) IT IS A SAFE METHOD OF KEEPING OUT GERMS, ETC..............FOR THIS TYPE OF DIALYSIS IS PRONE FOR INFECTION IF NOT KEPT EXTREMELY CLEAN DURING THE DIALYSIS PROCESS.

Why did his kidneys fall asleep?
His road to health is long and steep.
He works, round track, with walks that’s brisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

A higher power holds our hands.
He gives us strength. He understands
the pain we feel without life’s frisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

His renal glands are shutting down
but nurse removes his doubt and frown.
New chance for life like tennis bisque, Isn't bisque a soup?YES IT IS A SOUP, BUT IT IS ALSO AN ADVANTAGE POINT IN SPORTS SUCH AS TENNIS. I THOUGHT THIS WAS CLEVER TO COMPARE IT IN THAT SENSE...........BUT MAYBE NOT. I KNOW THIS POEM IS CONFUSING, IT IS TOTALLY NOT EVERYDAY TALK.........THAT IS WHY I WANT TO TRY TO HELP PEOPLE UNDERSTAND WHAT GOES ON WITH KIDNEY PROBLEMS.
we mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

I will reserve further comment until the light comes on. Could you please enlighten this poor dumb soul? lol

BELIEVE ME, YOU ARE NOT DUMB..................THIS HAS TAKEN US ALMOST 20 MONTHS TO LEARN ABOUT PERITONEAL DIALYSIS.....THE METHOD WE CHOSE. Most people, and I was just as guilty, have no clue about kidney dialysis. I thought it was the end of the line, but this is my husband's ELECTRIC KIDNEY that he will have for the rest of his life, and without it, he will die. This kind of dialysis helps your life style stay normal......and not be tied down to a dialysis center with treatments three times a week, four and one half hours each treatment. We are still learning, we are still praying, we are still thanking GOD that this new style of help has been discovered. I hope you understand a bit better now...if not, let me know. The changes of SHE might make the poem more understandable.
Cathy

Thanks Cathy for your critique......AM





Carol,

Your title is very fitting. There are just a couple of spots that I don't understand.

A Roswell trip to clinic site
and training course with nurses’ byte Isn't this a computer term? I don't get the connection.
who teaches us, prevent a risk, I haven't figured out if it's the 'nurses' or the 'byte' that's teaching. Wouldn't that make a difference in the tense of 'teach'?
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc. What is 'stay-safe disc'?

Why did his kidneys fall asleep?
His road to health is long and steep.
He works, round track, with walks that’s brisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

A higher power holds our hands.
He gives us strength. He understands
the pain we feel without life’s frisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

His renal glands are shutting down
but nurse removes his doubt and frown.
New chance for life like tennis bisque, Isn't bisque a soup?
we mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

I will reserve further comment until the light comes on. Could you please enlighten this poor dumb soul? lol

Cathy
[/quote]

[Guest_Cathy_*]

[quote name='ArtesiaMeeks' date='Jun 25 06, 16:11 ' post='77484']
Hi Cathy,

My husband is now on kidney dialysis.
I am so sorry to hear that. I've never known anyone who had to do that but I've heard some about it.

We have chosen PERITONEAL dialysis--a relatively new dialysis, about fifteen years in performance. It has a total new language and description.
So I see! That explains the parts I didn't understand.

It is very time consuming and I think HARD....once we get the training down pat, and three weeks of manual exchanges finished.....he goes on a cycler that filters him at night while he sleeps. We have met a snag in the road.............he has developed a hernia, and the manual exchanges will continue until the hernia heals. He hooks up to a machine, DRAINS out the waste, then FILLS the new solution that DWELLS in his body for 3 l/2 hours. We do this FIVE times a day......extensive cleaning, washing hands, wearing masks, etc. I have started a chapbook with poems about this PERITONEAL style of dialysis, and will have it published. The poems are how I see the dialysis, how it affects my husband, and trying to get material of this kind of dialysis out to the public. ME especially.....when I heard about dialysis, seems like a death threat......but that is not the case.
I'm afraid I thought the same as you did... a death threat. It's good to hear that it's not.

This dialysis has it own language......we are to learn it for that is the way the doctors and the PD nurses will talk to us. I just wanted to try out this poem to see what reaction I might get.............there will be poems before this one in my book, by the time you read this one, you kinda have an idea about the techinque.
I would be interested in reading the book. It must be an eye-opener!

Scroll down for comments about your questions.

Hi Carol,

Your title is very fitting. There are just a couple of spots that I don't understand.

A Roswell trip to clinic site
and training course with nurses’ byte; Isn't this a computer term? I don't get the connection.----IT INDEED IS A COMPUTER TERM BUT ALSO THE PERITONEAL LANGUAGE.
MAYBE
she teaches us, prevent a risk, I haven't figured out if it's the 'nurses' or the 'byte' that's teaching. Wouldn't that make a difference in the tense of 'teach'?
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc. What is 'stay-safe disc'?
A STAY-SAFE-DISC IS A WHEEL TYPE INstrument THAT THE PATIENT HOOKS UP TO THE MACHINE WITH FOR THE DRAIN (take out waste), FOR THE FILL (put in new solution) AND ALLOWS THE DWELL (solution to stay in his body for the 3 l/2 hours) IT IS A SAFE METHOD OF KEEPING OUT GERMS, ETC..............FOR THIS TYPE OF DIALYSIS IS PRONE FOR INFECTION IF NOT KEPT EXTREMELY CLEAN DURING THE DIALYSIS PROCESS.[/quote]
Well that explains that!

[quote]Why did his kidneys fall asleep?
His road to health is long and steep.
He works, round track, with walks that’s brisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

A higher power holds our hands.
He gives us strength. He understands
the pain we feel without life’s frisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

His renal glands are shutting down
but nurse removes his doubt and frown.
New chance for life like tennis bisque, Isn't bisque a soup?YES IT IS A SOUP, BUT IT IS ALSO AN ADVANTAGE POINT IN SPORTS SUCH AS TENNIS. I THOUGHT THIS WAS CLEVER TO COMPARE IT IN THAT SENSE...........BUT MAYBE NOT. I KNOW THIS POEM IS CONFUSING, IT IS TOTALLY NOT EVERYDAY TALK.........THAT IS WHY I WANT TO TRY TO HELP PEOPLE UNDERSTAND WHAT GOES ON WITH KIDNEY PROBLEMS.
we mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.[/quote]
On the contrary, it is clever. I just wasn't aware of the 'sports' aspect to the definition.

[quote]I will reserve further comment until the light comes on. Could you please enlighten this poor dumb soul? lol

BELIEVE ME, YOU ARE NOT DUMB..................THIS HAS TAKEN US ALMOST 20 MONTHS TO LEARN ABOUT PERITONEAL DIALYSIS.....THE METHOD WE CHOSE. Most people, and I was just as guilty, have no clue about kidney dialysis. I thought it was the end of the line, but this is my husband's ELECTRIC KIDNEY that he will have for the rest of his life, and without it, he will die. This kind of dialysis helps your life style stay normal......and not be tied down to a dialysis center with treatments three times a week, four and one half hours each treatment. We are still learning, we are still praying, we are still thanking GOD that this new style of help has been discovered. I hope you understand a bit better now...if not, let me know. The changes of SHE might make the poem more understandable.
Cathy

Thanks Cathy for your critique......AM
Carol,[/quote]
Thanks for the in-depth explanation Carol and I hope all goes well.

Your title is very fitting. There are just a couple of spots that I don't understand.

A Roswell trip to clinic site
and training course with nurses’ byte Isn't this a computer term? I don't get the connection.
who teaches us, prevent a risk, I haven't figured out if it's the 'nurses' or the 'byte' that's teaching. Wouldn't that make a difference in the tense of 'teach'?
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc. What is 'stay-safe disc'?

Why did his kidneys fall asleep?
His road to health is long and steep.
He works, round track, with walks that’s brisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

A higher power holds our hands.
He gives us strength. He understands
the pain we feel without life’s frisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

His renal glands are shutting down
but nurse removes his doubt and frown.
New chance for life like tennis bisque, Isn't bisque a soup?
we mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

I will reserve further comment until the light comes on. Could you please enlighten this poor dumb soul? lol

Cathy
[/quote]

[AMETHYST]

Hello Carol,

Every poem is written for an special audience. The information that you've provided in your reply is perfect to allow those who are not familiar with this procedure to take in the fullness of the poem. Keeping your inoformation in mind, I think much of this works well.
First, let me say I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers. I know such daily procedures are emotionally overwhelming and mentally exhausting. It takes a strong support system to keep spirits up and positive. You sound, from your poetry to be taking the bull by the horn and handling things in a positive way. I admire that.

I think the form you've chosen for this is perfect. As you've mentioned the many times daily this needs to be done, the repetition of the final line, emphasizes the repetition.

Some other thoughts, pertaining to the poetry within the poem... Over all once I got a glimspse of what meanings certain words and images offered I felt this poem worked well.
The only thing I wanted to point out of the tone of voice--it sounded a little mechanical. I am not sure if A. This is your style of writing/speaking, B. it is to emphaszie on the mechanis of the machine and process or c. it was to meet the requirements of the poem in meter.

So let's see if we cannot offer something helpful. Please use anything that is useful, otherwise, disregard the rest.

Best Regards, Liz

A Roswell trip to clinic site
and training course with nurses’ byte
who teaches us, prevent a risk,
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

In S1, L1.. is a perfect example of what I was meaning by mechanical. If that is what you were going for, than this is a great opening stanza. If you wanted a little more personal toen, something more natural to voice, than maybe you would consider switching some words..
L1, "A trip to Rosewell clinic site
to train a course with nurse' byte,
who'll teach us to prevent such risk,


Why did his kidneys fall asleep?
His road to health is long and steep.
He works, round track, with walks that’s brisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.


Great opening line. Shows the expected confusion of an unexpected turn in the life of illness. Straight to the point. Honest and is followed yet, by another strong line.
I was a little unsure of L3, perhaps because I am not sure if this refers to the field of employment or if this is another regference to a medical term I am not familiar with.

A higher power holds our hands.
He gives us strength. He understands
the pain we feel without life’s frisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

Great stanza. I like the show of faith and support it paints for the reader. It relates to anyone who is or has gone through any life changing , point in there roads.
Not a single nit here.

His renal glands are shutting down
but nurse removes his doubt and frown.
New chance for life like tennis bisque,
we mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc. I must say, I didn't think the bisque works. It had two downfalls for me, first it sounded too rhyme driven and scond, in light of the seriousness of the subject, it was too frivilous. However, I am not too up on tennis, so it might be a meaning that fits and I just didn't get it..

© 2006 Carol Dee Meeks
FRENCH KYRIELLE

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Carol.

Sorry for my delay in responding. I hope you and your hon are doing well?

I like this form and the refrain is such an important aspect - yours is a witty and fitting one! I'm not too keen on your title as I couldn't easily make the connection, so I will offer something else that comes from your refrain as a suggestion to ponder: "Mask and Cleanse".

Here are a few ideas - your soft rhythms make this sing.

A trip to Roswell clinic site
to train a course with nurses’ byte
who'll teach us to prevent such risk,
we mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

Excellent opening.

Why did his kidneys fall asleep?
His road to health is long and steep.
He walks, round track, as works that’s brisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

In L3, I do not understand ‘as works that’s brisk’? ‘THIS work IS brisk’?

A higher power holds our hands.
He gives us strength. He understands
the pain we feel without life’s frisk.
We mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

Very good religious blending. Love L2!

His renal glands are shutting down
but nurse removes his doubt and frown.
New chance for life like tennis bisque,
we mask and cleanse, turn stay-safe disc.

In L3, *How about ‘new chance for life, a healthy bisque’?

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Carol, good to see you here again.

You might want to describe some of the jargon at the end to help readers.

The mechanical tone and repeat lines bring home the tedious aspects of the protocol.

I think the poem is very well done. It certainly will be a solid record of events at a later review.

God Bless

Don

[ArtesiaMeeks]

Hi Carol, good to see you here again.

You might want to describe some of the jargon at the end to help readers.

The mechanical tone and repeat lines bring home the tedious aspects of the protocol.

I think the poem is very well done. It certainly will be a solid record of events at a later review.

God Bless

Don

Thanks Don...............it is tedious.....but my aim is to hand-out information about PERITONEAL DIAYLSIS.....that it can be overcome and not be a death threat. I agree about adding an explaination..............the next poem will be covered better.

am

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Carol.

Just checking in - did you see both Liz's and my critiques (above Don's feedback)?

~Cleo

[ArtesiaMeeks]

Yes, I did see and change your thoughts. It does make a better poem. Thanks AM

[Guest_poeticpiers_*]

I could relate to this,my daughter was on this kind of dialysis for some yeras.She actually went through medical school Bagging as she called it.In time she was fortunate enough to recieve a kidney transplant and went on to qualify as both a doctor and a psychiatrist. The only thing that did not work for me was the Bisque
Bright blessing for a future return to health ivor

[AMETHYST]

Hi Carol,

This flows like warmed butter. You've tightened it up, The read feels fuller, you did quite well with revisions....

Best regards, Liz

[ArtesiaMeeks]

Hi Liz,

Thanks for the kind words. I can see the poem is better now.l

AM