Wait... Listen in Silence [ Revision #3 15 Jan ], Wizard Award ~ triple rictameter Options

[JustDaniel]

Wait… Listen in Silence


Waiting

so we might see

what his clenched fingers cry

through flared nostrils… pain-shaded eyes

whispering with shoulder-shrugs… her bowed head

daring hope with a hopeless glance.

Patient—we must sit… still

to feel what’s been

weighting.


Listen

for heaven’s sake—

hearing’s more than data

we chug in through our fax machine;

as we transfer, processing, we translate

codes shrouded in sinew and veins;

pathos pours forth, bristling

when we truly

listen.


Silent

eyes breathe warm trust

through tight-shuttered windows

shattered from storms still a mem'ry,

duct-taped over with bloodied gauze curtains;

they'll give Light when the power’s off,

warmth to a brick-cold hearth,

Love that won’t stay

silent.


© MLee Dickens'son 04 Jan 2007

in Revision 2

S2L3 don't view mere stark data
S2L4 chugging in through our fax machine
S2L5 We also must transfer, process, translate

in Revision 1

S1L4 through flared nostrils… pain-tinted eyes

S2L3-7
that's more than tending data
chugging in through our fax machine;
though we must transfer, process, translate
codes shrouded in sinew and veins,
words will pour forth, bristling

S3L2 eyes breathe fresh hope
S3L4 shattered from storms still a memory,
[ Though there's always a tension between allowing the reader to leave off the syllable,
and suggesting it with an apostrophe...
since modernists frown on such...
then tell you it's too long. It's a lose/lose proposition! ]

Original

Waiting
so we might see
what his clenched fingers cry
through flared nostrils… pain-tinted eyes
whispering with shoulder-shrugs… her bowed head
daring hope with a hopeless glance.
Patient—we must sit… still
to feel what’s been
weighting.

Listen
for heaven’s sake—
it’s more than taking data
that is sent through our FAX machine;
though we’ll also transfer, process, translate,
runes shrouded in sinew and veins
will pour forth, bristling
when we truly
listen.

Silent
eyes can breathe hope
through tight-shuttered windows
shattered from storms still a memory,
duct taped over with bloody-gauze curtains,
shedding Light when the power’s off,
warmth in a brick-cold hearth,
Love that won’t stay
silent.

[Eisa]

Exquisitely written Daniel -- you leave me in awe! Well written and beautifully formatted.

Snow

[JustDaniel]

Thank you so much, Snow!

... and thank you for the awesome nomination too!

deLightingly, Daniel

[Eisa]

Thank you so much, Snow!

... and thank you for the awesome nomination too!

deLightingly, Daniel

My pleasure Daniel.

Snow

[JustDaniel]

Thanks still again for your encouragement, Snow...

I've offered a considerable revision to what I was previously satisfied with... but now I see should be open for further revision...

if I want to represent MM well in February!

Lightly dancing around a few more words, Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Daniel,

If you are caught up on crits in Hermes, I can move this over there for you for crits?

Let me know.
~Cleo

[JustDaniel]

Thanks, Lori...

I think I should... and since I've kind of almost been icognito in the past week-and-a half, and my mind is so boggled with other things going on, I have honestly lost track... so could you please PM me with my status. I KNOW I have some crits on my own pieces that I'm struggling over, which I will be answering... but I'm not sure what my status on responses to others is. Is there a way for me to keep track when I've been 'away' like this?

sLightly jumbled, Daneil

[Cleo_Serapis]

Thanks, Lori...

I think I should... and since I've kind of almost been icognito in the past week-and-a half, and my mind is so boggled with other things going on, I have honestly lost track... so could you please PM me with my status. I KNOW I have some crits on my own pieces that I'm struggling over, which I will be answering... but I'm not sure what my status on responses to others is. Is there a way for me to keep track when I've been 'away' like this?

sLightly jumbled, Daneil

Hi Daniel.

Yes, I can only imagine that being a mod at PT now must certainly keep you and your mind "juggling". Congrats!

I ran a search (will post instructions below) for you in Hermes for the last 30 days. Then I looked from your 'ivory eye' topic on Dec 20th forward. There are a total of 24 posts in all by you (3 new topics and 7 replies to other members' threads, 5 being crits - the remaining 14 are replies to your own topics). That means you will need to post one more crit to catch up before I can move this post over there and then you will need to post the obligatory 2 crits when I DO move this over before you can post another new topic in Hermes.

New Topics:
ivory eye ~ 12/20/2006
Awakened to Light ~ 12/24/2006
Concrete Lizard ~ 12/30/2006

Crits/Comments:
The Christmas Mall ~ 12/20/2006
The Christmas Mall ~ 12/23/2006
Cause (not a crit) ~ 12/30/2006
untitled (Snow) ~ 12/30/2006
Christmas Spirit Stew ~ 12/30/2006
Banner (not a crit, posted when tile was in Platos) ~ 1/1/2007
New Model Fervor ~ 1/5/2007


Here is an instructional note on how to check to see if you've met the forum participation rule requirements in a given forum before posting another new topic.

1. Click on the 'Search' at the top of the forum, near our logo.

2. Then immediately click on the 'More Options' button at the bottom of the screen.

3. Type in your member name (left side of screen) in the 'Filter by Member Name (optional)' input box.

4. Choose ONE forum to search in the 'Search Where' selection menu below the keywords input box by clicking on it. In my example, use Stonehenge, the Prose for Critique forum (to narrow the results).

5. In the 'Search posts from' choose your date range (I chose '7 days ago' and also chose 'newer').

6. In the 'Search Where' selection, I chose 'Search entire post'.

7. In the ‘Result Type’ selection, choose ‘Show results as posts’.

8. Click 'Perform the Search' button.

Hope this helps!
~Cleo

Attached File(s)

 search_sample.JPG ( 75.85K ) Number of downloads: 4

 

[JustDaniel]

¡Gracias mucho!

You should be able to move it, then, in just a few moments...

and then I'll proceed to prepare for another one when I have it...

and thanks for the encouragement, understanding, and congratulations.

deLighting in sharing, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Hey Daniel,

Yes, congratulations on both the Nomination and the Moderation! LOL This poem is surely a good prospect for success!

Blessings, Liz

[JustDaniel]

HERMES-BOUND...

Thank you on both matters, Liz...

and now this piece is ready to head over to Hermes...

to hopefully RAISE the prospects with others' assistance.

deLightin' in all our unselfish sharin', Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Daniel.

I see your posted crit to Widdle, Waddle so I'll go ahead and move this into Hermes now.

Thanks! Pleae note 2 more will be needed prior to posting a new topic again (in 2 days time or more).

Thanks bunches!
~Cleo

[Merlin]

Hi Daniel,
I was just down at Pearl's Place and see you got turfed out of the oyster shell. As you know, I keep distant from crit, and just wanted to say that this is great - Ron jgd just may get his wish to get enuff stars to decorated a Christmas tree!

My mind has been totally empty of late - thus there has been no appearance here or elsewhere.

Merlin

[JustDaniel]

Thanks SO much for stoppin' in, Eric. It's always a pleasure, and I always benefit from whatever bit of wit or wisdom you pass on in your astute observations. As to your writing hand being cold, perhaps it's because all the blood ran out of it into that beautiful rictameter creation you put forth! Ya think?

deLighting to sing with you, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

Well Daniel,

It has been almost 2 years since I've written a Rictameter, or perhaps one that I wrote with meaning. I enjoy the form so much, and the challenge they offer to make each line count. To adhere to Iambic and to make each one worth the read. You've done that with this.

Some thoughts that might smooth out a couple of rough spots is all I can see...

Hugs and good luck! Liz

Wait… Listen in Silence


Waiting

so we might see

what his clenched fingers cry

L3 felt awkward, as it seems to say that it is his clenched fingers that will speak or yell out. Perhaps...

him, fingers clenched, cry out

through flared nostrils… pain-tinted eyes

would you consider '...pain-tainted eyes'

whispering with shoulder-shrugs… her bowed head

daring hope with a hopeless glance.

Patient—we must sit… still

to feel what’s been

weighting.


Listen

for heaven’s sake—

that's more than tending data

An extra syllable here... I count 7. Perhaps,

more than tended data

chugging in through our fax machine;

though we must transfer, process, translate

And this line is missing a beat... perhaps..
although we must transfer, process, translate

codes shrouded in sinew and veins,

words will pour forth, bristling

when we truly

listen.


Silent

eyes breathe fresh hope

I find eyes breathing a little awkward, perhaps ...
breathe in fresh hope

through tight-shuttered windows

shattered from storms still a memory,

again, an extra beat. Perhaps... although a visual 'mem'ry will fix that.

duct-taped over with bloodied gauze curtains;

they'll give Light when the power’s off,

warmth to a brick-cold hearth,

Love that won’t stay

silent.

Those were my minor little nits. I loved the way you worked your way from 'him' linking a storm, and the aftermath of the storm then sheltering 'love' which grows cold because of the silence that the narrator keeps of that love... because of her cold 'hearth....
If I am off... please let me know.

Hugs, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Ah... I see that my revision has lost pace in several places, Liz!

Thank you SO much for pointing them out. I will surely be working on them, and I hope that I can come up with a better revisoin.

One comment, though, regarding your stumble over fingers speaking. Part of what I'm trying to share about LISTENING is that the body is speaking... perhaps much louder and truer than the words we are listening to also. Does that make sense?

Lightly for now... and no, by the way, you're not off track at all.

deLighting in the feedback, Daniel

[AMETHYST]

One comment, though, regarding your stumble over fingers speaking. Part of what I'm trying to share about LISTENING is that the body is speaking... perhaps much louder and truer than the words we are listening to also. Does that make sense?

Yes, actually it makes sense. I reread it before signing off last night and wondered it there was a meaning to it than I saw.

Best Wishes, Liz

[JustDaniel]

Thanks, Liz...

I've mulled your suggestions and a few other matters over, and I've now posted Revision #2, hopefully to prepare the piece to represent MM in Feb, if it's approved by the rest... whom I hope will help me.

deLighting in the sharing process, as we learn together, Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Daneil.

I'm taking a quick lunch pause here so I'll be back later with more in the way of critique, however, pon first glance I wanted to share something of a tip that I think might make this piece more powerful.

Since this post is really three separate Rictameters, I suggest that you try to limit repeating words wherever possible and replace them with alternatives since this is posted as a combined poem. The word 'hope' is the first one I spot.

I note "daring hope with a hopeless glance" in S1 and "eyes breathe fresh hope" in S3.

I'll be back again.

~Cleo

[JustDaniel]

Thank you for that observation...

and the three separate rictameters are intended to demonstrate a progression in hope, but I suppose others also might feel an over-doing of it, so I've added a change to S3L2 into the posted Revision, changing the eyes' part in the process to their providing an avenue toward hope through TRUST.

Thank you for attention to details...

and I'll look forward to your further suggestions and/or comments.

deLighting in your sharing, Daniel