I have been giving this a lot of thought. I've gone back to some original words - and rewritten the ending.

Brief Escape (recent)

Rising above brume,
I sail on a cirrus carpet
through far-flung cerulean;
sun bussed.
Hirundo rusticas flock by
with a flash of russet throats.

The eye of heaven flutters,
stippling evening;
pomegranate across white
chiffon curtains.

Parachuting earthward,
with sycamore, swirling
towards appliquéd leafage,
I crash land in the mist
slumped on my chaise lounge
by the window.

Twilight peers through the panes.
Drawing the drapes across his sneer
I switch the light on seasonal despair.
He lingers outside, waiting
for the scarab beetle
to roll back the sun.

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I've added a twist at the end of this to give a deeper level. It already has subtle hints of autumn -the final stanza (I hope) hints at SAD.

Brief Escape

Rising above a brumous layer,
I sail on a cirrus carpet
through far-flung cerulean;
sun spangled.
Hirundo rusticas flock by
with a flash of russet throats.

The eye of heaven flutters,
stippling evening;
pomegranate across white
chiffon curtains.

Parachuting earthward,
like sycamore, swirling
back into mist
towards withering leafage;
I crash-land --
slumped in my armchair
by the window.

Drawing the drapes across
seasonal despair,
I switch on my light.



------------------------------------
Brief Respite (revision 1)

Rising above brume,
I sail on a cirrus carpet
through endless cerulean;
sun bussed.
Nearby swallows flock
toward baking lands.

The eye of heaven flutters,
stippling evening;
pomegranate across white
chiffon curtains.

Parachuting earthward
through sycamore;
swirling
towards crumpled foliage,
I land with a bump
by the window,
slumped in my arm chair.
------------------------------------
Parachuting earthward
through sycamore;
swirling
towards crumpled foliage,
I land with a bump
in my armchair
by the window.

ORIGINAL

Magical Journey

Rising above mist,
I sail on a cirrus carpet
through endless cerulean;
sun kissed.
Nearby swallows flock
toward baking lands.

The eye of heaven flutters,
stippling evening;
pomegranate across white
chiffon curtains.

Parachuting earthward
with sycamore, swirling,
I land with a bump
on crumpled foliage -
slump in my armchair
by the window
- reverie concluded.

Hi Snow,

Didn't get back to this before you came back and edited without any crits.
I had a few suggestions but they are all moot now that you changed your post.

Post the first one again and I'll be back.

Larry

Haha!!! you caught me out Larry! I thought no one had seen. I'll post the original now.

Happy New Year!

Snow

Hi Snow,

Happy New Year to you also.

Just a couple of quick ones but will be back with other suggestions. By the way, I much prefer your original
over your revised version which these following bits concern.

Flesh out the "mist" with a descriptive: cloying, clammy, oppressive or just "morning".

"Slumping" or "Slumped" in my armchair by the window...

Please - "sun kissed" instead of "bussed"!

Larry

Thanks Larry,

It's good to have some feedback.

I'm thinking on the mist line.

I did miss the slumped line, but found it too near 'bump' - however I've found a way round that & will put revised lines up in a minutes

As for Sun-kissed - although it sounds very pretty it is rather cliché. I've heard it quite a lot. I'm thinking on alternatives.

Thanks Larry - any more thoughts appreciated.

Snow

Okay Snow,

Here goes!


Rising above mist, Rising above (the veil of) mist,
I sail on a cirrus carpet I sail on a cirrus (ship)
through endless cerulean;
sun kissed. caressed by the sun.
Nearby swallows flock Nearby(,)
toward baking lands.

The eye of heaven flutters, The eye of heaven (pulsates)
stippling evening;
pomegranate across white pomegranate (stains) white
chiffon curtains.

Parachuting earthward (Pirouetting) earthward
with sycamore, swirling, (like) sycamore, swirling
I land with a bump I land with (muted silence)
on crumpled foliage - on (wizened) foliage -
slump in my armchair slump(ed) in my armchair
by the window
- reverie concluded.


Not sure about the titles but I think I prefer the new one (Brief Respite).

Take or toss any or all. They are merely suggestions.

Larry

Hi Eira!
I also read your first post but it was too late for me to say anything worthwhile. Today also!!!
At least I think it was this one.
I want to say that I enjoyed the reads very much. Methinks Brief Respite is the better title.

I'll see whether I have anything to nit in your revision, since Larry has already given you great pointers for the first piece.

Hi Larry

Thank you for returning with so many ideas - I read them a couple of days ago and have been chewing them over. I've left a few comment below.

Thanks Larry & Syl for your thoughts on this one.

I felt it needed another stanza to convey a deeper meaning. It already has hints of autumn, but I was thinking of SAD syndrome when I wrote it. I hope the added stanza helps.

Snow

Hi Snow,

Yes, the last stanza does provide closure to the piece.

I still have a couple of suggestions which you may want to consider. They have to do with your choice of words
used which, to some, might detract from what you are saying due to their (the reader) being a bit obtuse.

Why, if you are talking about a gray and dismal day, do you not just say "oppressive fog" or use another descriptive adjective pertaining
to the thickness or smothered feeling one gets from such an atmospheric event instead of using "brumous layer".

Also, your usage of the Latin term for the barn swallow would stop most people in their tracks and I haven't seen
a whole lot of "flocks" of barn swallows. Most hunt by themselves or in some instances, with their mate and when
they fly by, they are so fast you would seldom get a glimpse of their russet throats unless you were directly under them.

Maybe "barn swallows streak by" for S1L5.

Don't mean to be "nit-picky" but those two things just didn't feel right. Remember, TOT!

Larry

Hi Larry, thanks for returning to this one again. I'm sorry to be late replying - had a busy few days. I'm glad that you think the last stanza provides the closure I was looking for here.

Thanks for giving me some more suggestions to chew over as that is what I like.

To explain why I chose Brumous layer rather than oppressive fog:
I am constantly trying to find new words and fresher ways of saying things. I love new words! I like brume as it is not so overused as fog, mist or haze.
I didn't use an adjective to describe the mist such as oppressive/suffocating as I was hoping that it would be understood by suggestion.
I chose 'layer' as I was hoping to suggest that I rise from/through the brume(mist) in a magical reverie of pure escapism. In reality it is possible to rise above a layer of mist around us and find blue skies above.

As to the Hirundo rusticas I was first struck by the musicality of the name. I was concerned that I had not read information properly so have returned to where I researched -www.garden-birds.co.uk - a site about garden birds in UK. (I sometimes refer to this as I often include birds in poetry)
I quote what it says:

As the time to return to Africa approaches they become restless and can often be seen perching in large flocks.

Also from BBC Nature site:

Swallows are migratory and flock in large numbers in September ready to fly to Africa, south of the Sahara

Originally I read somewhere that they can fly in thousands when they are migrating, but I can't find that link now.
It has struck me that perhaps swallows might not flock where you live? Do they migrate or stay with you?

I agree, they do fly very quickly - but I didn't actually say I'd seen the flash of russet - I was merely making a statement to describe the swallows.
Mind you in a reverie anything can happen flying underneath swallows - seeing flashes of bright colour - sailing on a cloud. I could do with a reverie at the moment on a very grey dismal day.

I hope you can understand my intentions here. I'm not saying this poem is complete yet - you know me, I often return with new ideas. Thank you for your continuing interest which always gives me food for thought.

Snow

Hi Snow,

Didn't mean to be picky about the "Hirundo Rustica" Barn Swallow which is often mistaken for the "Hirundo Lucida" Red-chested Swallow.
There are about 14 different types of swallows in the genus "Hirundo". Some passerines flock and migrate while others are rather sedentary in nature.

That is the scientific/non-poetic part of my brain reacting to the beautifully poetic picture you have painted. I tend to overthink instead of enjoy sometimes.

Please don't get me wrong about "brumous". I love that word but there are many out there who would react with a "Huh?" It, too, gives
the well-read person a perfect picture of "go back to bed" weather conditions and rising above such oppressive and depressing conditions to burst into a clear blue sky is
a very pleasurable thought.

I do think you should decide on your final title though. "Brief Respite" gets my vote because you can never really escape those conditions.

Larry

Hello Eisa - I was delighted to see your use of that good old English word, (bussed) for a warm and loving kiss.
A kiss can be all sorts of things. The shallow,' duty' kiss; a greeting for an old friend; something that shatters the soul - or a healthy expression of good will and love - that, for me, is a buss - and exactly conjures up the kiss of the sun.
Leo (Sekhmet)

Hi Eisa!

Just dropped in to say hello, so that you'd know I keep you very much in mind. I do have one or two comments to make. I'll return, my daughter wants me over for supper and to look at a home movie, must rush.

Your poem is beautiful. I'm OK with 'brume' because in Spanish we use 'bruma' a lot.

Be back, hugs,
Syl***

Yes, the twist at the end is good. Talking of SAD, I think perhaps I get summer SAD. In Buenos Aires one is more liable to be imprisoned and gloomy because the hot, clammy heat hits you in the face when you venture out. The concrete absorbs heat and it's common to have 30ºC at midnight. This summer broke another record. All extremes now!!

But, as you know, I've moved further south and the summer is lovely in this mountain and lake district of Bariloche. I'll have to adapt to the long, snowy or wet winters...LOL...

QUOTE (Eisa @ Jan 2 14, 21:08 )

There were a couple of places that made me stumble. It was the word choice. But after looking them up and translating them into Spanish I realize why you've chosen them. Yes, they are new ways of saying things, fresh descriptions. I like the poem, but do agree with some of Larry's suggestions.

Sergio

Hi Larry - I'm late coming back again! Thanks for sticking with this one.

I think perhaps many might react 'huh!' to some of the words used, but is that a bad thing? I feel learning new words is how we grow. I love learning new words.
Yes, I really must decide on that title.

Hope to interact with you again soon.

Snow

Yes, the twist at the end is good. Talking of SAD, I think perhaps I get summer SAD. In Buenos Aires one is more liable to be imprisoned and gloomy because the hot, clammy heat hits you in the face when you venture out. The concrete absorbs heat and it's common to have 30ºC at midnight. This summer broke another record. All extremes now!!

But, as you know, I've moved further south and the summer is lovely in this mountain and lake district of Bariloche. I'll have to adapt to the long, snowy or wet winters...LOL...


Hi Syl - good to 'see' you again. Yes, I think I have heard of some people suffering from SAD in hot summers. The summers where you are now sound lovely!

QUOTE (Eisa @ Jan 2 14, 21:08 )

Thanks Leo - at last someone who likes sun- bussed! It's great to see you back!

Snow